The boys decided to straighten up and not have any more spells after I blogged last. They had "harsh" talking to's from both Alan and me and all of their nurses - I am glad they listen! This, also, meant that they got to come home together, which is rare we were told! God answers prayers. The process of being discharged from our NICU is pretty strict, which I love. The babies had to meet a list of criteria and Alan and I had to watch three films, one including CPR training. Also, part of the discharge process is "rooming in" with the babies. This entails us in a room in the hospital with both babies, a refrigerator, a breast pump, and two rocking chairs for the night. The nurse comes in every few hours to check the babies and make sure we are able to handle it all. I personally think this would be great for every mom who delivers a baby to have to do (but then again I guess most parents have their babies in the rooms when they are born and we hadn't, so never mind).
The day before the boys were discharged they had their circumcisions and because they were somewhat tongue tied, they had frenulotomies, as well. They did so well and are much like their mom in not going to miss a meal, even after being cut on top and bottom! We had a wonderful doctor in the NICU who decided to come back to the unit after her last day, just to discharge our babies. We felt blessed by this. So, we roomed in, everything went smoothly, we were visited by our favorite nurses to say good bye and given our discharge instructions to go home.
Now coming home with a NICU premie is different than coming home with a full term baby. Little did I know how restrictive things would be! I mean, I figured on some of it, but not all. I learned that babies usually gain the majority of their ability to fight infection during the last trimester of pregnancy. Due to our boys lacking in a good portion of this being in utero, it is easier for them to get sick from people. So, that means that there are limitations on people holding them and them being in large groups. (This is awful for me because I want everyone to hold my babies and to show them off to everyone!). We have to wait to go to church and can't go out to Target or Walmart or even grocery stores with the boys. On top of that, everyone who is planning to spend time with them has to be vaccinated against Pertussis, which I knew this already. I just didn't realize how serious it was until some of the nurses were talking about babies who had returned to the PICU with this infection. It was awfully sad. Also, due to RSV, after October 1st, we will be home bound until February (for the most part). Because of their premie state, the RSV infection is easier to get and harder to fight. They will be getting a shot to hopefully help with this once a month from October until February. And of course, hand washing is a must before they are touched or held by everyone!
Those are the starts of our exciting rules over the next few months. It is disheartening to not be able to go show these cuties off, but I want my babies to be healthy and continue to grow strong. So, for that, I will make sacrifices and hopefully you will bear with me as I post probably way too many Facebook pictures!
We were truly blessed in the NICU. I miss seeing the familiar faces of nurses and I never thought I would say that. We made some friends of other NICU babies' parents and that is a blessing, as well. We are very thankful for the things that our nurses did and thankful for the schedule they put these kids on! We have been able to continue the schedule and the boys sleep almost 4 hours at a time at night, which is great for mom and dad! It has been an adjustment to bring them home and we are so glad we got to bring them home together because that made it so much easier. Alan is beyond wonderful and has gotten every bottle ready for the boys. My Momma has been beyond a blessing in serving us and we would not be able to have survived without her (still not able to).
So now it is onto the trek of being a wonderful family of six (though four under this roof). We have truly been blessed by our God in this whole situation and looking back on it, I wouldn't have it any other way. The testimony of God throughout this whole thing has just been rampant and vivid. We thank you for the prayers for the boys and can't wait for a time we can really show them off. Until then, we will just be hanging out at home, getting our snuggles in.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Saturday, August 2, 2014
NICU Continued
Yesterday, I cried. I cried when I walked into the NICU. Trying to not let the nurses hear. Thankfully my mom was standing there seeing the tears run down my cheeks and my soft gulps for air and she wrapped her arms around me and let me cry. I wiped the tears away, trying to appear strong. Trying to appear like everything is okay. But it wasn't. See, my boys had been doing so well. We hadn't had any spells (occurrences where both the heart rate and oxygen saturation decline) since July 13 and 14th and all of a sudden, Ayden had 3 within the past 12 hours. This messed up my plan. We were looking at bringing them home in the next week as soon as they got their feeds in and I wasn't worried about spells. But now, we would have to wait, at least 5 days or more, until he quit these spells. And most likely the boys would be coming home at separate times.
Today, I cried again. Alan and I were sitting at lunch during a break between feedings (our lunches seem to be late and our dinners even later). He asked me what we were going to do if we brought one home before the other and asked me my plan for it. I broke, I don't want to think about that. I couldn't answer. Then on our way home, after we found out that Zach had had a spell yesterday, as well, that we weren't informed of, I cried again. My boys will be 4 weeks old, a full month, on Wednesday. The earliest day we could possibly get to think about coming home (if there are no other spells) is Wednesday. And my babies will have spent the first full month of their life in a NICU. Not cuddled and loved on at home. But in a NICU, in an isollette or crib with limited contact from their Mom and Dad and other relatives and friends. They do not know what life is without pokes and prods and wires and beeps of alarms. They have lived in a hospital and I can never get this month of their life back. It's a hard pill to swallow.
A friend of mine sent me an article/letter this NICU mother wrote to her twin boys who spent a lot more time in the NICU than my boys will, hopefully. And it talked about the things she wanted her boys to forget about NICU life, which is what I pray my boys won't remember. It also talked about what she hopes they remember - love, not being alone, strength, privileges. Of course I cried as I read this and hope my boys remember the same. It is very hard to be okay with yourself and acknowledge that your babies will not remember these times. That bonding will happen when they get home and you will be able to have the time to snuggle and spend every waking moment with them. But it is hard as you are going through it to even think that is coming. My children are loved, prayed for, not alone, strong, and privileged. This is what has to get me through.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am just trying to not get my hopes up and not make that light too close. Trying to take in every second I have with my boys in holding them and take in every feature they have and memorize them for when I come home. And until the time we can bring them home, I will ride up to the hospital, hold my babies, feed them, and pray over them. Praying for their strength and that they come home to us soon, healthy and ready.
I will still have my weak moments, but in those, I will be strong in my Lord. Being reminded that God's timing will ensue and that these babies will be home soon. No matter if it is 5 days or 10, together or separate.
Today, I cried again. Alan and I were sitting at lunch during a break between feedings (our lunches seem to be late and our dinners even later). He asked me what we were going to do if we brought one home before the other and asked me my plan for it. I broke, I don't want to think about that. I couldn't answer. Then on our way home, after we found out that Zach had had a spell yesterday, as well, that we weren't informed of, I cried again. My boys will be 4 weeks old, a full month, on Wednesday. The earliest day we could possibly get to think about coming home (if there are no other spells) is Wednesday. And my babies will have spent the first full month of their life in a NICU. Not cuddled and loved on at home. But in a NICU, in an isollette or crib with limited contact from their Mom and Dad and other relatives and friends. They do not know what life is without pokes and prods and wires and beeps of alarms. They have lived in a hospital and I can never get this month of their life back. It's a hard pill to swallow.
A friend of mine sent me an article/letter this NICU mother wrote to her twin boys who spent a lot more time in the NICU than my boys will, hopefully. And it talked about the things she wanted her boys to forget about NICU life, which is what I pray my boys won't remember. It also talked about what she hopes they remember - love, not being alone, strength, privileges. Of course I cried as I read this and hope my boys remember the same. It is very hard to be okay with yourself and acknowledge that your babies will not remember these times. That bonding will happen when they get home and you will be able to have the time to snuggle and spend every waking moment with them. But it is hard as you are going through it to even think that is coming. My children are loved, prayed for, not alone, strong, and privileged. This is what has to get me through.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am just trying to not get my hopes up and not make that light too close. Trying to take in every second I have with my boys in holding them and take in every feature they have and memorize them for when I come home. And until the time we can bring them home, I will ride up to the hospital, hold my babies, feed them, and pray over them. Praying for their strength and that they come home to us soon, healthy and ready.
I will still have my weak moments, but in those, I will be strong in my Lord. Being reminded that God's timing will ensue and that these babies will be home soon. No matter if it is 5 days or 10, together or separate.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Life in the NICU
My plan was to skip the NICU. Make it to 35 weeks gestation and just bring these babies home. It sounded good to me, it was my goal. God had other plans.
Even with my plan, we picked the hospital we were to deliver at based on their NICU. Yes, this was a hospital 30-45 minutes from our home, but we wanted the best care if circumstances presented themselves. I will say up front that we have been beyond blessed with the care and kindness of our NICU staff - doctors, nurse practitioners, nurses, occupational therapist, and speech therapist. They have been personable, understanding, and supportive which we don't think we could find anywhere else. Also, we know we are beyond blessed with how healthy our boys were when they were born, and could be a lot sicker in the NICU.
So our NICU story began -
Both Zachary and Ayden were whisked away to the NICU almost immediately after birth. I got to see them both for approximately one minute a piece. There was no time for "skin to skin" to bond, no time to hold them and truly soak in my babies every features. They had to be stabilized (moreso Zachary), so off they went. Alan followed them. He watched them be cleaned up and weighed. He watched as a more permanent CPAP was placed on their faces and those perfect little babies were then transformed to wires and machinery taking over.
After my procedure was completed, I was wheeled to my room for recovery and told I wouldn't be able to see the babies until at least 4 hours later. I immediately was heartbroken. What happened to this "skin to skin" that they preached was so important within an hour of their birth that would help regulate everything? Alan came back down from the NICU to let me know their lengths and weights. Big boys! For a moment I felt excited they may not be have to stay there long.
I got to go up after about 4 hours, once I was "stable." Being in the medical field, the lines and monitors didn't seem to phase me much, but the fact I couldn't see my babies' faces did. And the fact I couldn't touch my children broke me. Originally, they were hooked up to CPAP for breathing, Ayden had a peripheral IV, both had central lines through their umbilical cord, then leads for EKG and respirations, a probe for their temperature and an O2 Saturation monitor. I was told at that point we could come visit them every three hours to "touch" them and change their diaper. This is hard for a new mom, especially a first time mom who just wanted to have her babies in her arms.
Alan spent a lot of time in the NICU, while I was wheeled back and forth as I was able to in between pumping sessions and my own vitals being taken. Mom and Dad had their watchful eyes, as well. The nurse practitioners were always available to answer questions and seemed to ease our fears. And I was preached at that I needed to take care of myself. I don't understand how any mother can "take care of herself" when her babies are in the NICU. You just live for the moment of being able to stare at your babies through the plastic incubator and watch them breathe. Many hours were spent tearfully praying. And it was really hard to get connected with my babies, to feel as if they were mine.
On Sunday morning, Alan and I woke up and had listened to praise and worship music as we pumped and he was preparing to go upstairs to the NICU. I had my usual morning cry but was feeling like everything was going to be okay and it was a good day. He went upstairs to the NICU as I stayed in my room to get dressed and my vitals taken. When he returned, their were tears in his eyes and I knew something was wrong. He sat down on the bed and began talking to me about Zachary. He had stopped breathing during the night and when he had just gone upstairs, they were bagging him a second time because he stopped breathing, again. He was at that time on his way to CT and many tests were going to be performed. I lost it. This IS my baby and I'm supposed to be there protecting him. Why hadn't the NICU nurses called us during the night or even right then? I was angry, sad, and overwhelmed all at once. Why God? Why? This was probably the hardest day of my life. And we lived moment by moment waiting on test results. We went up to visit the babies and Zachary looked so sad. He screamed and cried as he was hungry and they couldn't feed him. It's a horrible thing to watch your child suffer like that. Then you have the tugging of making sure you spread attention evenly between the babies. Thankfully everything turned out to be within normal limits and he did not have any more episodes. But those moments of fear will forever be etched in my mind. We believe because of prayers by thousands, he was healed with everything normal.
I was actually grateful for the fact I had medical problems going on that kept me in the hospital. That meant I was closer to my babies and could see them easily. I was not looking forward to my discharge. At one week, the babies got off their CPAP and were transferred over to a different NICU which meant they were "healthier." From this point forward, they were considered "feeders and growers." We finally got to hold them once their central line was removed. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I FINALLY got to hold my child. Even though it was only for 15 minutes, my babies were in my arms, separately, but in my arms. It is a moment I still live for every day. To get my babies in my arms. We were still limited on the amount of time we could hold them and how often. Everything is on schedules in the NICU. It is very hard to let someone tell you when you can do something with your child/children. It just doesn't seem right or fair.
When they were 10 days old, I was discharged home. My nurse told me even though I was discharged I could stay in my room all day so that I could visit the babies easier and then go home whenever I wanted that night. She was a blessing. Alan came by after work and we went to see the babies and decided after their 6 o'clock feeding, we would go home. Walking out of that hospital was the hardest thing to do. I'm supposed to be leaving with two babies, two car seats, and happiness. The feelings that were in me were emptiness, sadness, and guilt. Was I neglecting my children by leaving?
Now each day consists of visiting the babies. It is still a feeding schedule of 12, 3, 6, 9, 12, 3, 6, 9 which is when we are able to actually touch them and hold them and feed them. Our time is limited on how long we get to hold them and when. But, we wake up each morning and head to the hospital. If it is a weekday, Alan leaves to go to work after saying good morning to the babies and I stay, usually taking a break from the 3 o'clock feeding and back for Alan to return after work at 6. It is equally as hard to leave each night without my babies. I cry every time I see a new mom leaving with her baby and just yearn for that moment, knowing it is coming. We wait each day for the NP's and doctors to round and hear an update on what the babies will be doing next, hoping it is a step forward to getting them home. Knowing it can't come soon enough.
The life of a NICU parent is not an easy one. We are blessed, like I said, that our children are healthy and only waiting to learn how to eat and breathe and regulate temperature. It is an exhausting life, going from hospital to home, trying to pump like you are instructed to to have food for your children and getting the "rest" that your doctor and family prescribe. Their is no rest for the weary though. Because if someone asked me to sleep or see my babies, I'm going to see my babies each time. There is an internal struggle of what is enough time with your babies. What is neglectful? I can't seem to miss a feeding without feeling horrible about it, yet so many mothers are not in their to see their children at all. You add the hormones onto the sleepless nights and tiring schedules, you can only imagine the emotions and tears filling our house.
But, it isn't all bad. Our babies will have a schedule coming home! Which we, of course, say is a perk. We have wonderful nurses and physicians watching our children to make sure they are healthy and that hopefully nothing will happen when they come home. And we have healthy babies that are growing and getting the care that they need.
I told Alan today, I am just ready for conventional at this point. We didn't have a conventional conception or even pregnancy. I didn't get a conventional baby shower. Their birth wasn't conventional and neither has their hospital stay. So, "normal" moms. Be thankful you get to have a photographer come into your hospital room to take newborn pictures, don't take it for granted. Think about how blessed you are to have your baby beside you in the bed and can hold them at any time and take them home with you. And when you see a NICU mom, give her a special hug and prayer, because we all need it.
Even with my plan, we picked the hospital we were to deliver at based on their NICU. Yes, this was a hospital 30-45 minutes from our home, but we wanted the best care if circumstances presented themselves. I will say up front that we have been beyond blessed with the care and kindness of our NICU staff - doctors, nurse practitioners, nurses, occupational therapist, and speech therapist. They have been personable, understanding, and supportive which we don't think we could find anywhere else. Also, we know we are beyond blessed with how healthy our boys were when they were born, and could be a lot sicker in the NICU.
So our NICU story began -
Both Zachary and Ayden were whisked away to the NICU almost immediately after birth. I got to see them both for approximately one minute a piece. There was no time for "skin to skin" to bond, no time to hold them and truly soak in my babies every features. They had to be stabilized (moreso Zachary), so off they went. Alan followed them. He watched them be cleaned up and weighed. He watched as a more permanent CPAP was placed on their faces and those perfect little babies were then transformed to wires and machinery taking over.
After my procedure was completed, I was wheeled to my room for recovery and told I wouldn't be able to see the babies until at least 4 hours later. I immediately was heartbroken. What happened to this "skin to skin" that they preached was so important within an hour of their birth that would help regulate everything? Alan came back down from the NICU to let me know their lengths and weights. Big boys! For a moment I felt excited they may not be have to stay there long.
I got to go up after about 4 hours, once I was "stable." Being in the medical field, the lines and monitors didn't seem to phase me much, but the fact I couldn't see my babies' faces did. And the fact I couldn't touch my children broke me. Originally, they were hooked up to CPAP for breathing, Ayden had a peripheral IV, both had central lines through their umbilical cord, then leads for EKG and respirations, a probe for their temperature and an O2 Saturation monitor. I was told at that point we could come visit them every three hours to "touch" them and change their diaper. This is hard for a new mom, especially a first time mom who just wanted to have her babies in her arms.
Alan spent a lot of time in the NICU, while I was wheeled back and forth as I was able to in between pumping sessions and my own vitals being taken. Mom and Dad had their watchful eyes, as well. The nurse practitioners were always available to answer questions and seemed to ease our fears. And I was preached at that I needed to take care of myself. I don't understand how any mother can "take care of herself" when her babies are in the NICU. You just live for the moment of being able to stare at your babies through the plastic incubator and watch them breathe. Many hours were spent tearfully praying. And it was really hard to get connected with my babies, to feel as if they were mine.
On Sunday morning, Alan and I woke up and had listened to praise and worship music as we pumped and he was preparing to go upstairs to the NICU. I had my usual morning cry but was feeling like everything was going to be okay and it was a good day. He went upstairs to the NICU as I stayed in my room to get dressed and my vitals taken. When he returned, their were tears in his eyes and I knew something was wrong. He sat down on the bed and began talking to me about Zachary. He had stopped breathing during the night and when he had just gone upstairs, they were bagging him a second time because he stopped breathing, again. He was at that time on his way to CT and many tests were going to be performed. I lost it. This IS my baby and I'm supposed to be there protecting him. Why hadn't the NICU nurses called us during the night or even right then? I was angry, sad, and overwhelmed all at once. Why God? Why? This was probably the hardest day of my life. And we lived moment by moment waiting on test results. We went up to visit the babies and Zachary looked so sad. He screamed and cried as he was hungry and they couldn't feed him. It's a horrible thing to watch your child suffer like that. Then you have the tugging of making sure you spread attention evenly between the babies. Thankfully everything turned out to be within normal limits and he did not have any more episodes. But those moments of fear will forever be etched in my mind. We believe because of prayers by thousands, he was healed with everything normal.
I was actually grateful for the fact I had medical problems going on that kept me in the hospital. That meant I was closer to my babies and could see them easily. I was not looking forward to my discharge. At one week, the babies got off their CPAP and were transferred over to a different NICU which meant they were "healthier." From this point forward, they were considered "feeders and growers." We finally got to hold them once their central line was removed. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I FINALLY got to hold my child. Even though it was only for 15 minutes, my babies were in my arms, separately, but in my arms. It is a moment I still live for every day. To get my babies in my arms. We were still limited on the amount of time we could hold them and how often. Everything is on schedules in the NICU. It is very hard to let someone tell you when you can do something with your child/children. It just doesn't seem right or fair.
When they were 10 days old, I was discharged home. My nurse told me even though I was discharged I could stay in my room all day so that I could visit the babies easier and then go home whenever I wanted that night. She was a blessing. Alan came by after work and we went to see the babies and decided after their 6 o'clock feeding, we would go home. Walking out of that hospital was the hardest thing to do. I'm supposed to be leaving with two babies, two car seats, and happiness. The feelings that were in me were emptiness, sadness, and guilt. Was I neglecting my children by leaving?
Now each day consists of visiting the babies. It is still a feeding schedule of 12, 3, 6, 9, 12, 3, 6, 9 which is when we are able to actually touch them and hold them and feed them. Our time is limited on how long we get to hold them and when. But, we wake up each morning and head to the hospital. If it is a weekday, Alan leaves to go to work after saying good morning to the babies and I stay, usually taking a break from the 3 o'clock feeding and back for Alan to return after work at 6. It is equally as hard to leave each night without my babies. I cry every time I see a new mom leaving with her baby and just yearn for that moment, knowing it is coming. We wait each day for the NP's and doctors to round and hear an update on what the babies will be doing next, hoping it is a step forward to getting them home. Knowing it can't come soon enough.
The life of a NICU parent is not an easy one. We are blessed, like I said, that our children are healthy and only waiting to learn how to eat and breathe and regulate temperature. It is an exhausting life, going from hospital to home, trying to pump like you are instructed to to have food for your children and getting the "rest" that your doctor and family prescribe. Their is no rest for the weary though. Because if someone asked me to sleep or see my babies, I'm going to see my babies each time. There is an internal struggle of what is enough time with your babies. What is neglectful? I can't seem to miss a feeding without feeling horrible about it, yet so many mothers are not in their to see their children at all. You add the hormones onto the sleepless nights and tiring schedules, you can only imagine the emotions and tears filling our house.
But, it isn't all bad. Our babies will have a schedule coming home! Which we, of course, say is a perk. We have wonderful nurses and physicians watching our children to make sure they are healthy and that hopefully nothing will happen when they come home. And we have healthy babies that are growing and getting the care that they need.
I told Alan today, I am just ready for conventional at this point. We didn't have a conventional conception or even pregnancy. I didn't get a conventional baby shower. Their birth wasn't conventional and neither has their hospital stay. So, "normal" moms. Be thankful you get to have a photographer come into your hospital room to take newborn pictures, don't take it for granted. Think about how blessed you are to have your baby beside you in the bed and can hold them at any time and take them home with you. And when you see a NICU mom, give her a special hug and prayer, because we all need it.
Monday, July 21, 2014
The After Story
After Zach and Ayden were born, life got a little interesting to say the least, and not just with the babies. During delivery, I lost over two liters of blood alone. Between that and hormones going crazy, I got the "shakes" really badly...which of course made everyone freak out, though I knew it was not anything major. At that point, they began monitoring my blood levels. Also, after delivery there was a big issue with my uterus not wanting to contract. So, I was given several medications to help with this. It began helping, some, but even into the next day I was borderline with where they wanted my uterus to be contracted and my fluid loss. And to top if all off, my blood pressure decided to shoot through the roof the night the babies were born.
I had decided I was going to breast feed, so we began pumping right away, this actually wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. The only set back was, I had no blood in my system which means not a lot of fluid, so it meant a harder time. By Friday my blood levels had decreased to a pretty low amount, and I was feeling quite crappy so my doctor decided a transfusion was needed. Friday night was spent receiving a transfusion and I was restricted to my room and unable to see the babies.
By Saturday morning, my blood levels were on the rise and my babies were visited. I was rounded on by the physician on call and she decided that my blood pressure was still questionable, so she wanted me to stay another night….I wasn't opposed to that!! By Sunday, my blood pressure had only increased but my blood levels had equaled out to a reasonable level. That morning, Zachary had apnea episodes and was being bagged and then several tests performed, so my emotions were everywhere. The doctor decided I needed to stay again, and I was not opposed. The more nights close to my babies, the better, especially with the day we had. By Monday, my blood pressure had risen even more, I was swollen like crazy, and I began having headaches. I was diagnosed with post-partum pre-eclampsia. At this point, I was started on Magnesium for 24 hours, which meant back to bed rest, catheters, and no food. This also meant that for 24 hours, I would not be able to visit my babies. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to go through, especially after the day before.
I had purposefully forgotten what it was like to be on Magnesium, and I hopefully will purposefully forget, again! By the end of my 24 hours, I told Mom and Alan that I was ready to not be Jesus to people. It was awful. Along with the Magnesium, I was on blood pressure medication, which I ended up being allergic to. My blood pressures had not really gone down any at that point. By Wednesday morning, my doctor decided that I was done with complications. She literally came in and said "IVF, twin pregnancy, gestational diabetes, preterm labor, bed rest, cholestasis, premature rupture of membranes, premie babies with c-section, transfusion, and now postpartum pre-eclampsia. My discharge summary is long enough!" I was started on a new blood pressure medication which seemed to help moreso than the previous. By Thursday, my blood pressure had decreased enough for me to be discharged home. Another hard day. No mom wants to go home without her precious bundles of joy.
Sorry for the long post of my health problems, but its part of my journey. It hasn't been the easiest road. I think the hardest part of my time in the hospital was not having my babies by my bedside, like so many "normal" pregnancies/births have. It wasn't that I got to hold them and feed them and take them home with me. I was told an hour I could see them and I might get to touch them for 2 minutes, but that was it. I wasn't able to hold them when they cried or even just to connect. I wasn't even able to feed them. t cried many times in that hospital bed to Alan because I didn't feel like a "Mom" yet, these babies didn't feel like mine but me visiting someone else's. I didn't know what to do and it made me horribly upset and like a bad person. What kind of mother doesn't feel connected to her children immediately? It has been a big struggle. And the superimposed health problems have not helped with this. But, it is part of my journey and God has a plan and a testimony for it all. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and know He has a plan in this all, like He has had from the beginning.
I'll post about being a NICU mom when I get a chance, for now, I am going to work on my hour of sleep and rest before up to pump! Thank you all for the prayers through all of this.
By Saturday morning, my blood levels were on the rise and my babies were visited. I was rounded on by the physician on call and she decided that my blood pressure was still questionable, so she wanted me to stay another night….I wasn't opposed to that!! By Sunday, my blood pressure had only increased but my blood levels had equaled out to a reasonable level. That morning, Zachary had apnea episodes and was being bagged and then several tests performed, so my emotions were everywhere. The doctor decided I needed to stay again, and I was not opposed. The more nights close to my babies, the better, especially with the day we had. By Monday, my blood pressure had risen even more, I was swollen like crazy, and I began having headaches. I was diagnosed with post-partum pre-eclampsia. At this point, I was started on Magnesium for 24 hours, which meant back to bed rest, catheters, and no food. This also meant that for 24 hours, I would not be able to visit my babies. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to go through, especially after the day before.
I had purposefully forgotten what it was like to be on Magnesium, and I hopefully will purposefully forget, again! By the end of my 24 hours, I told Mom and Alan that I was ready to not be Jesus to people. It was awful. Along with the Magnesium, I was on blood pressure medication, which I ended up being allergic to. My blood pressures had not really gone down any at that point. By Wednesday morning, my doctor decided that I was done with complications. She literally came in and said "IVF, twin pregnancy, gestational diabetes, preterm labor, bed rest, cholestasis, premature rupture of membranes, premie babies with c-section, transfusion, and now postpartum pre-eclampsia. My discharge summary is long enough!" I was started on a new blood pressure medication which seemed to help moreso than the previous. By Thursday, my blood pressure had decreased enough for me to be discharged home. Another hard day. No mom wants to go home without her precious bundles of joy.
Sorry for the long post of my health problems, but its part of my journey. It hasn't been the easiest road. I think the hardest part of my time in the hospital was not having my babies by my bedside, like so many "normal" pregnancies/births have. It wasn't that I got to hold them and feed them and take them home with me. I was told an hour I could see them and I might get to touch them for 2 minutes, but that was it. I wasn't able to hold them when they cried or even just to connect. I wasn't even able to feed them. t cried many times in that hospital bed to Alan because I didn't feel like a "Mom" yet, these babies didn't feel like mine but me visiting someone else's. I didn't know what to do and it made me horribly upset and like a bad person. What kind of mother doesn't feel connected to her children immediately? It has been a big struggle. And the superimposed health problems have not helped with this. But, it is part of my journey and God has a plan and a testimony for it all. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and know He has a plan in this all, like He has had from the beginning.
I'll post about being a NICU mom when I get a chance, for now, I am going to work on my hour of sleep and rest before up to pump! Thank you all for the prayers through all of this.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Our Birth Story
(This may be a little graphic)
After an eventful Monday, we had a rather relaxing Tuesday. Mom and I laid around the house in our normal routine - breakfast, catching up on shows, lunch, nap, reading and crafting and then welcoming Alan home to dinner. It was a relatively uneventful day. No contractions and just feeling big! Alan had work to do from home, so he was set up in the dining room and Mom and I decided to hit the sack right before 11 pm. Went to bed, got up my 4 times in 8 minutes to use the bathroom. The fourth time, I felt a pop and gush. "Okay, what just happened? ALAN!!!! ALAN!!!" He came running and I began crying…."My water broke!" No question, it was definitely like in the movies! He yelled for Mom and I kept crying. This wasn't supposed to be happening right now. I had been good on my bed rest today and they were supposed to "cook" for 2 more weeks!! It was the plan! I wasn't ready. As I sobbed, Alan tried to calm me down in the midst of the franticness of getting everything in the car (thankfully it was all packed in the house). I was terrified.
We called the doctor and headed to the hospital. Within minutes of arriving at the hospital, we were checked and I had dilated in 1 day to 2 cm and 50% effaced. Thankfully I wasn't having consistent contractions at that point, but it was admission for me. By Wednesday morning, I began having contractions. When you have your water break before 34 weeks, they try to keep you undelivered until the 34 week mark, so that was the original plan. They pumped me with fluids just in case I was dehydrated causing contractions, I wasn't allowed even Tylenol so they could monitor my "true pain" of contractions, and I was constrained to bed rest. (I found out I am a pansy and I wouldn't be able to truly handle natural labor (so much respect for those of you that do!)). They finally decided to check me at 10 AM when the fluids seemed to be only making the contractions worse. I was 4 cm and fully effaced, Baby A was deep in my pelvis and his head was ready to be delivered. Just to make sure that was true though because Baby A's head was so so low they couldn't quite get to my cervix, I was checked by 4 separate people…..let's just say that isn't a pleasure! My OB was called, we called Mom and Dad (who had frantically driven through the night to be here), and Alan's dad to let them know we were delivering.
Because Ayden was breach, the plan was for a c-section. We were rushed to the OR (which I was really impressed with that whole process), except we couldn't wait 5 minutes for my parents to get there. Spinal was performed which is so weird feeling, and we got started. Zachary Barrett was born quickly at 10:40 AM and we heard him cry which warmed my heart. He immediately after that had some trouble breathing, though, so they immediately put him on CPAP. He was a whopping 5 lbs 2 oz and 19 inches long, which is great for 32 weeks gestation! Now was my feisty child. His amniotic fluid was a sight to see, I was told, when it was "popped" and the attempt to turn him was made. He decided he didn't want to turn easy and just made it to transverse at first. He kept sticking his little arm out and the doctor had to keep sticking it back in. I don't know how Alan watched all of this, by the way. At about that time, the laborist was called for because an extra set of hands was needed. Ayden decided he wanted to get wedged in between the two placentas. It was quite a frantic time, I prayed and Alan said it seemed like forever before they got a handle on it. Thankfully, he made it out kinda quickly after that and at 10:43 Ayden Jackson was born into this world with his little scream! He weighed in at 4 lbs 5 oz and was 17.5 inches long. He wasn't originally placed on CPAP, but once they were in the NICU, he decided to act up, so they placed him on it as well.
Alan was able to go with them straight to the NICU while I was finished up. When rolled out of the OR, it was amazing at the amount of family and friends waiting on us to deliver. The love abounded! Our little bundles came earlier than expected, but it is definitely a blessing. Thankfully they had no other problems other than breathing and eating, we are truly blessed! Now to live the life of a NICU Mom and Dad. That will be posted on later.
After an eventful Monday, we had a rather relaxing Tuesday. Mom and I laid around the house in our normal routine - breakfast, catching up on shows, lunch, nap, reading and crafting and then welcoming Alan home to dinner. It was a relatively uneventful day. No contractions and just feeling big! Alan had work to do from home, so he was set up in the dining room and Mom and I decided to hit the sack right before 11 pm. Went to bed, got up my 4 times in 8 minutes to use the bathroom. The fourth time, I felt a pop and gush. "Okay, what just happened? ALAN!!!! ALAN!!!" He came running and I began crying…."My water broke!" No question, it was definitely like in the movies! He yelled for Mom and I kept crying. This wasn't supposed to be happening right now. I had been good on my bed rest today and they were supposed to "cook" for 2 more weeks!! It was the plan! I wasn't ready. As I sobbed, Alan tried to calm me down in the midst of the franticness of getting everything in the car (thankfully it was all packed in the house). I was terrified.
We called the doctor and headed to the hospital. Within minutes of arriving at the hospital, we were checked and I had dilated in 1 day to 2 cm and 50% effaced. Thankfully I wasn't having consistent contractions at that point, but it was admission for me. By Wednesday morning, I began having contractions. When you have your water break before 34 weeks, they try to keep you undelivered until the 34 week mark, so that was the original plan. They pumped me with fluids just in case I was dehydrated causing contractions, I wasn't allowed even Tylenol so they could monitor my "true pain" of contractions, and I was constrained to bed rest. (I found out I am a pansy and I wouldn't be able to truly handle natural labor (so much respect for those of you that do!)). They finally decided to check me at 10 AM when the fluids seemed to be only making the contractions worse. I was 4 cm and fully effaced, Baby A was deep in my pelvis and his head was ready to be delivered. Just to make sure that was true though because Baby A's head was so so low they couldn't quite get to my cervix, I was checked by 4 separate people…..let's just say that isn't a pleasure! My OB was called, we called Mom and Dad (who had frantically driven through the night to be here), and Alan's dad to let them know we were delivering.
Because Ayden was breach, the plan was for a c-section. We were rushed to the OR (which I was really impressed with that whole process), except we couldn't wait 5 minutes for my parents to get there. Spinal was performed which is so weird feeling, and we got started. Zachary Barrett was born quickly at 10:40 AM and we heard him cry which warmed my heart. He immediately after that had some trouble breathing, though, so they immediately put him on CPAP. He was a whopping 5 lbs 2 oz and 19 inches long, which is great for 32 weeks gestation! Now was my feisty child. His amniotic fluid was a sight to see, I was told, when it was "popped" and the attempt to turn him was made. He decided he didn't want to turn easy and just made it to transverse at first. He kept sticking his little arm out and the doctor had to keep sticking it back in. I don't know how Alan watched all of this, by the way. At about that time, the laborist was called for because an extra set of hands was needed. Ayden decided he wanted to get wedged in between the two placentas. It was quite a frantic time, I prayed and Alan said it seemed like forever before they got a handle on it. Thankfully, he made it out kinda quickly after that and at 10:43 Ayden Jackson was born into this world with his little scream! He weighed in at 4 lbs 5 oz and was 17.5 inches long. He wasn't originally placed on CPAP, but once they were in the NICU, he decided to act up, so they placed him on it as well.
Alan was able to go with them straight to the NICU while I was finished up. When rolled out of the OR, it was amazing at the amount of family and friends waiting on us to deliver. The love abounded! Our little bundles came earlier than expected, but it is definitely a blessing. Thankfully they had no other problems other than breathing and eating, we are truly blessed! Now to live the life of a NICU Mom and Dad. That will be posted on later.
Monday, July 7, 2014
There Isn't a Dull Moment
Last Thursday, we had an ultrasound for what is called a BPP. It pretty much looks at the amniotic fluid levels, the umbilical cord blood flow, their movement, their heart rates, their "breathing" (practicing breathing since they don't actually breathe), and a few other things. Thankfully, both of them scored an 8 out of 8! We then had a follow up appointment with my OB. Alan had to work, so his dad and Louise took me to my appointments, which I was really excited they were able to see the ultrasounds of the babies! It also meant I went into my OB appointment by myself. She and I had a good discussion on the cholestasis and what this meant going forward, as well as delivery.
Thankfully, my medicine seems to be helping my symptoms of cholestasis, my itching has not been nearly as bad as it once was. Also, I had gained 10 pounds in 10 days, which was crazy to me and I had started swelling. Due to the cholestasis, however, we discussed an earlier delivery. Because of the risk of fetal death/stillborn in later gestation, she says we will deliver prior to 37 weeks, if I have not gone into labor by that point naturally. Of course this risk puts Alan and myself at heightened alert on the movement of the babies. We are journaling their movement. Like I said, we decided their method of delivery, as well, c-section vs. natural delivery. I really appreciate my OB and her honesty with risks and benefits in everything she does. So, I felt that it was a really good visit. A lot of questions were answered. But, after the visit I was a mess and definitely shed tears and was stressing about them being okay. Pregnancy just seems so much harder then what everyone seemed to make it seem before I became pregnant.
Which leads to today, our next of our two a week appointments. We had a NST this morning, which is where they monitor the babies' heartbeats and my contractions. They want the babies to have an "active" strip which means that their heartbeat accelerates a certain amount in a certain time period. Well, my babies decided not to be "active" today and I was having some pretty good contractions. So, the lady who administered the test let me OB know and we were immediately set up for an ultrasound for a BPP and to be examined by my OB. Also, I haven't been feeling the greatest the past few days with nausea and my ribs/stomach killing me (which I figured was Baby B being his stubborn self). Also, I had gained 3 more pounds since Thursday. She checked me, thankfully I have not dilated any further. Baby A is deep in my wonderful pelvis and Baby B is continuing to stay breech with his head in my ribs/liver. She pressed on my stomach and over my liver which wasn't comfortable and also stated I had swollen more. So, she is checking more labs to check for HELLP syndrome.
We then had our ultrasound/BPP. The babies were a little sleepy, but once they were "zapped" a few times, I ate some peanut butter crackers, and FINALLY I had to drink a Coke, Baby A practiced his breathing (just don't tell Alan it was a coke that made his baby behave!). They ended up passing the test right at an hour (which is all that time they have to complete their activities). So, we were sent home on stricter bed rest and waiting on lab results. Needless to say, it has been a highly emotional day, really few days. We are just praying they continue to grow (they are now at 5 lbs and 4 and a half pounds) and develop. All of these uncertainties are just making me fall into God's arms more. I know He has it all in his control, but it is hard to handle at times.
Sorry for the long post, but thank you for your prayers. We will keep you posted!
Thankfully, my medicine seems to be helping my symptoms of cholestasis, my itching has not been nearly as bad as it once was. Also, I had gained 10 pounds in 10 days, which was crazy to me and I had started swelling. Due to the cholestasis, however, we discussed an earlier delivery. Because of the risk of fetal death/stillborn in later gestation, she says we will deliver prior to 37 weeks, if I have not gone into labor by that point naturally. Of course this risk puts Alan and myself at heightened alert on the movement of the babies. We are journaling their movement. Like I said, we decided their method of delivery, as well, c-section vs. natural delivery. I really appreciate my OB and her honesty with risks and benefits in everything she does. So, I felt that it was a really good visit. A lot of questions were answered. But, after the visit I was a mess and definitely shed tears and was stressing about them being okay. Pregnancy just seems so much harder then what everyone seemed to make it seem before I became pregnant.
Which leads to today, our next of our two a week appointments. We had a NST this morning, which is where they monitor the babies' heartbeats and my contractions. They want the babies to have an "active" strip which means that their heartbeat accelerates a certain amount in a certain time period. Well, my babies decided not to be "active" today and I was having some pretty good contractions. So, the lady who administered the test let me OB know and we were immediately set up for an ultrasound for a BPP and to be examined by my OB. Also, I haven't been feeling the greatest the past few days with nausea and my ribs/stomach killing me (which I figured was Baby B being his stubborn self). Also, I had gained 3 more pounds since Thursday. She checked me, thankfully I have not dilated any further. Baby A is deep in my wonderful pelvis and Baby B is continuing to stay breech with his head in my ribs/liver. She pressed on my stomach and over my liver which wasn't comfortable and also stated I had swollen more. So, she is checking more labs to check for HELLP syndrome.
We then had our ultrasound/BPP. The babies were a little sleepy, but once they were "zapped" a few times, I ate some peanut butter crackers, and FINALLY I had to drink a Coke, Baby A practiced his breathing (just don't tell Alan it was a coke that made his baby behave!). They ended up passing the test right at an hour (which is all that time they have to complete their activities). So, we were sent home on stricter bed rest and waiting on lab results. Needless to say, it has been a highly emotional day, really few days. We are just praying they continue to grow (they are now at 5 lbs and 4 and a half pounds) and develop. All of these uncertainties are just making me fall into God's arms more. I know He has it all in his control, but it is hard to handle at times.
Sorry for the long post, but thank you for your prayers. We will keep you posted!
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Itching and Scratching and Itching and Scratching
Well, two weeks ago I began having intense itching of my soles of my feet and palms of my hands, as well as general itching all over. After it disrupted me from sleep for a few nights and having an upcoming appointment, I decided to mention it to my doctor (especially after Mom and Alan had done their research). I had tried benadryl and hydrocortisone cream which hadn't helped, at all. The only thing that seemed to help was cold packs on the bottom of my feet. Weird, I know.
So, like I said, I brought it up to my OB and she ordered some labs to be performed on my liver. So, we have been waiting on the results. My itching hasn't been as bad, but still am itching. Today, I got a call from my doctor herself, which is enough to freak any patient out! And she let me know that my bile acids and liver functions were elevated. This is called obstetrical cholestasis. This means that my bile from my liver/gallbladder is slow or not releasing. This builds up the levels in my blood which causes itching mostly but if it is severe enough you can have jaundice among other symptoms, but most likely just itching. It also can effect the babies. If it is not controlled and gets high enough, it can lead to fetal distress, preterm labor, or babies being stillborn or fetal death. She is now starting me on a medication to help decrease the levels of bile acids. Hopefully that will help not only with the itching, but with the possible complications, as well.
Also, next week I start my "two a weeks" which means I go to the doctor on Mondays and Thursdays for ultrasounds (because I have temperamental babies that don't like to stay on the fetal monitors) and now blood work and a check up. I was going to have to begin these anyway because of the gestational diabetes, but now I have to add in the blood work to keep watch over my liver. As well as, I have to make sure to be conscious to the movement of the babies on a daily basis.
For someone who had this pregnancy "under control" and was not going to take medications to save her life during pregnancy, it has definitely become a 180 of what I expected! I know all is in God's hands and we are just going to lie here and do what we are told. We are just praying for these little boys' safety and making it into this world plump and perfect! So, this is our latest update and we will keep trekking! Thank you, again, for the prayers!
So, like I said, I brought it up to my OB and she ordered some labs to be performed on my liver. So, we have been waiting on the results. My itching hasn't been as bad, but still am itching. Today, I got a call from my doctor herself, which is enough to freak any patient out! And she let me know that my bile acids and liver functions were elevated. This is called obstetrical cholestasis. This means that my bile from my liver/gallbladder is slow or not releasing. This builds up the levels in my blood which causes itching mostly but if it is severe enough you can have jaundice among other symptoms, but most likely just itching. It also can effect the babies. If it is not controlled and gets high enough, it can lead to fetal distress, preterm labor, or babies being stillborn or fetal death. She is now starting me on a medication to help decrease the levels of bile acids. Hopefully that will help not only with the itching, but with the possible complications, as well.
Also, next week I start my "two a weeks" which means I go to the doctor on Mondays and Thursdays for ultrasounds (because I have temperamental babies that don't like to stay on the fetal monitors) and now blood work and a check up. I was going to have to begin these anyway because of the gestational diabetes, but now I have to add in the blood work to keep watch over my liver. As well as, I have to make sure to be conscious to the movement of the babies on a daily basis.
For someone who had this pregnancy "under control" and was not going to take medications to save her life during pregnancy, it has definitely become a 180 of what I expected! I know all is in God's hands and we are just going to lie here and do what we are told. We are just praying for these little boys' safety and making it into this world plump and perfect! So, this is our latest update and we will keep trekking! Thank you, again, for the prayers!
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