Over the past few days, I've done a lot of reflecting on this past year. Today, specifically has hit me in my heart. A year ago today, Alan and I were in the hospital room listening to praise music, reading a devotional and of course, pumping. Alan went to go take my milk up to the NICU, we would both go up when it was the mark for us being able to visit the babies. When he returned, his face was gray and our pleasant morning did an 180 degree turn before our eyes. It was this morning, a year ago, Zachary stopped breathing twice and had to be bagged and have several tests performed on him. It was this day, a year ago, that my parents' church stopped in the middle of the benediction and prayed for my son. Many of your prayed. It was this day, a year ago, that miracles of healing took place. His outcome could have been much worse. He could've been placed on a ventilator and spent several months in the NICU, like many babies we saw, but he was healed. He had a brain bleed that was of the 1st grade, not a 2nd or 3rd or even more detrimental 4th. God performed a miracle (one of many) last year on this day. There was a lot of fear on this day last year, but God carried us through. And through this past year, God has carried us through.
I've reflected on a life with twins and how it is different then with a singleton. Some differences are quite humorous, some challenging, and some bittersweet. There are the usual common things - twice the diapers, at once; twice the food; twice the clothes; twice the toys; and twice the cribs/pack'n'plays. I think the hardest part of these past 12 months is the month they spent in the NICU. I have had tears thinking back to those days. I am a picture fanatic (as you all know) and as I have been going through pictures these past few weeks, it saddens me that I don't have many pictures of the day they were born (other than in the OR). It makes me cry thinking back how I didn't get to hold them until they were a week old and didn't get to just "be their mom" for those first few weeks. I want to go back and change that so badly. But, I will continue to say even to this day that we are grateful for the NICU. Grateful for their care for our boys and for the awesome schedule they were on when they returned home. That has been the key to our sanity! A schedule that has kept them doing the same thing at the same time. There's something about having two babies lie on your chest sleeping. Man how I miss those days! There's something about the conversations they have begun to have and watch them laugh at each other. Priceless. It is always humorous to me to the stares in the store and that I know going in that I will be asked at least 5 times if they are twins. It may get old, but it never stops being funny to me. You get a lot of attention with twins. So, there is no quick shopping trip - therefore, I have slowly learned going near or at nap time is a sure "no, no" because these people will wake up your sleeping children "just to get a peak" at your twins. Then, as we have started, the jealousy of each other when one is getting held or having attention and the other isn't. Double the temper tantrums has begun, which sometimes are just humorous, and are quickly nipped in the butt. I think it is easier to have two at the same age. I'm not chasing after one and trying to make it "not wake the baby." But, the thing that is bittersweet is that I have two babies that are growing up quickly and I know they are my only babies. It is hard knowing they don't snuggle as much and when I get those moments of them lying on my chest, I savor it….even if it is them pushing each other out of the way or trying to take over my whole chest.
I have learned over the past year that life passes by way too fast, and it is so finite. It has made me realize even more how important time with those you love is and how important it is to make time for those you love. It has shown me true friendship and how much love we have for Alan and myself, along with these boys. We have developed new friendships and stronger relationships that just are overwhelming in love.
I really wouldn't change this last year for the world. It is amazing how much babies grow and develop! Zachary and Ayden continue to amaze us and I believe they have just blossomed like crazy over the past few weeks. Zachary is actually moving around when he crawls and we just are amazed! AND, last night he actually pulled up twice without assistance! We were in tears so excited, and so was he! Ayden is crawling and into EVERYTHING. He has stood without holding onto anything a few times, as well. Ayden has begun to actually babble now, instead of just growling at us! It is stinkin' adorable. Zachary says "dog", "Dada", and "Lolli." Yea, no "Momma" yet. Their personalities are so different but they are both so hilarious. Zachary is definitely the clown of the two and loves to make people laugh. Ayden is a definite flirt! They are 5 times their birth weight. Zach is 23 lbs 3 oz and Ayden 20 lbs 1 oz and 30 inches and 29 inches, respectively. Still undergrowth of a 1 year old, but getting there! Ayden is still picky with food and will be eating baby food until he is 14, Zach will eat pretty much anything. They may be drinking bottles until then, too.
It is amazing all that God has done with them in this past year and how much they have grown and developed. We are grateful for them and the impact they have had on our extended family relationships and relationship with God. We are looking forward to this coming year!
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
A Letter to my Granny
Granny,
It's been 23 years today. Twenty-three years since I sat beside you, saw your face, and held your hand. I can't believe it, because it just seems like yesterday. I can recall every minute of that day in my head and I often relive it over and over. I remember seeing your last moments and running out to my bike riding around the yard screaming at God to "heal my Granny." And "please don't let her go." Asking Him, "Why???" But I know why and He did heal you. You are healed and praising His name every second of every day. But still, I miss you.
You were an amazing woman. Someone I still admire and still consider my hero. Your love for Jesus still radiates in my mind and I can just see you showing Jesus to people through your actions. You praising Him while you were sick and having me read the Bible to you every night has had such an impact on my life. I do believe, that if it wasn't for you and your constant heart for God, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. Your love for people is something I strive for. I strive to treat everyone like you did, as God's prince and princess. To make each and every person feel special. Thank you for teaching me that. Thank you for loving people like you loved Jesus and Jesus loved you. Thank you for caring about the important stuff and convicting me of the same, people's hearts. Your smile and laugh were contagious, something you have passed down to your daughter and granddaughters. And as my Momma says, she still sees your temper in me…I guess I got it honest.
A lot has happened this past year. And honestly, I have really wished you were here to witness it all. Three of your four great grandsons were born. I think you would love them more than you loved Sally and me. They would love you too. They even growl like Sally did with you, so it would've been a perfect match! They would've loved your snuggles, floor time play, singing and dancing, constant praise, and love and I am sure we would want for nothing and have houses piled with the cutest outfits and toys because you would be spoiling them rotten, more than they already are. But, I want you to know, you raised a daughter who has become the best Lolli that they could have. She is a lot like you. She is on the floor playing with these four boys, even when she doesn't feel good. I think she gets that stamina and love from you. She walks in the room and the look on the boys' faces is the same as what Sally and I had when you walked into the room. We knew that love and excitement and fun was here. So, thank you, Granny, for raising my Momma to be like you. You would be so proud of her. She has grown to be a woman of God that loves the unloveable and loves her family to almost a fault. These boys are her world, just like your grandchildren were your's.
I think you would be proud of Sally and me, too. Sally now brushes her hair without having to be told (at least I think so!) and she has become the greatest mom to her boys. It's surprising that crazy Sally has turned out to be such a wonderful woman. She still has that same joy and silliness that she had when you were around. And her boys knew how to make animal sounds and play with sticks before they even talked. But, you would be proud of her. A college degree, a God-fearing husband, and a love for Jesus that you prayed over us.
But, I still miss you. I still think of how I wish you had been here when I got married, found out I was pregnant, and at the hospital when the boys were born. I think of how I would've had to fight you out of spending the night in the NICU every night….and maybe even getting onto a nurse or two that upset me. I wish that you could've watched them come home, helped me with questions I had, and even spent a few weeks with Mom and me on bed rest. Oh the conversations we could've had! I wish you were here for birthday parties….we would have a lot more cake that way! And make sure everyone was celebrated. I hope we continue on your tradition. Making each and every child feel special for every occasion, just like you did. But, I think you are here. In spirit, you are here for all of it, I know. I miss your hugs, your talks, and you just being my best friend.
You were always someone I could turn to and knew that you would be there for me no matter, but I also knew that I could have to go get a switch out of the back yard if need be, as well. There are moments, I won't lie, that I cry and just ask for you to come back and be here. You are missed more than you know, and it is all aspects of you that are remembered.
As the years go by, it doesn't get any easier not having you here. But, the thing that keeps us all going is that we know that we will be reunited again. It will be a marvelous day on more than one accord. We anticipate the day we see Jesus and we see you. So, until that day, know we miss you, Granny. We all miss you. We love you and think of you often and how life would be with you here. Thank you for being such an example to me and everyone around you. I hope I make you proud.
Forever love you,
Lauren
It's been 23 years today. Twenty-three years since I sat beside you, saw your face, and held your hand. I can't believe it, because it just seems like yesterday. I can recall every minute of that day in my head and I often relive it over and over. I remember seeing your last moments and running out to my bike riding around the yard screaming at God to "heal my Granny." And "please don't let her go." Asking Him, "Why???" But I know why and He did heal you. You are healed and praising His name every second of every day. But still, I miss you.
You were an amazing woman. Someone I still admire and still consider my hero. Your love for Jesus still radiates in my mind and I can just see you showing Jesus to people through your actions. You praising Him while you were sick and having me read the Bible to you every night has had such an impact on my life. I do believe, that if it wasn't for you and your constant heart for God, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. Your love for people is something I strive for. I strive to treat everyone like you did, as God's prince and princess. To make each and every person feel special. Thank you for teaching me that. Thank you for loving people like you loved Jesus and Jesus loved you. Thank you for caring about the important stuff and convicting me of the same, people's hearts. Your smile and laugh were contagious, something you have passed down to your daughter and granddaughters. And as my Momma says, she still sees your temper in me…I guess I got it honest.
A lot has happened this past year. And honestly, I have really wished you were here to witness it all. Three of your four great grandsons were born. I think you would love them more than you loved Sally and me. They would love you too. They even growl like Sally did with you, so it would've been a perfect match! They would've loved your snuggles, floor time play, singing and dancing, constant praise, and love and I am sure we would want for nothing and have houses piled with the cutest outfits and toys because you would be spoiling them rotten, more than they already are. But, I want you to know, you raised a daughter who has become the best Lolli that they could have. She is a lot like you. She is on the floor playing with these four boys, even when she doesn't feel good. I think she gets that stamina and love from you. She walks in the room and the look on the boys' faces is the same as what Sally and I had when you walked into the room. We knew that love and excitement and fun was here. So, thank you, Granny, for raising my Momma to be like you. You would be so proud of her. She has grown to be a woman of God that loves the unloveable and loves her family to almost a fault. These boys are her world, just like your grandchildren were your's.
I think you would be proud of Sally and me, too. Sally now brushes her hair without having to be told (at least I think so!) and she has become the greatest mom to her boys. It's surprising that crazy Sally has turned out to be such a wonderful woman. She still has that same joy and silliness that she had when you were around. And her boys knew how to make animal sounds and play with sticks before they even talked. But, you would be proud of her. A college degree, a God-fearing husband, and a love for Jesus that you prayed over us.
But, I still miss you. I still think of how I wish you had been here when I got married, found out I was pregnant, and at the hospital when the boys were born. I think of how I would've had to fight you out of spending the night in the NICU every night….and maybe even getting onto a nurse or two that upset me. I wish that you could've watched them come home, helped me with questions I had, and even spent a few weeks with Mom and me on bed rest. Oh the conversations we could've had! I wish you were here for birthday parties….we would have a lot more cake that way! And make sure everyone was celebrated. I hope we continue on your tradition. Making each and every child feel special for every occasion, just like you did. But, I think you are here. In spirit, you are here for all of it, I know. I miss your hugs, your talks, and you just being my best friend.
You were always someone I could turn to and knew that you would be there for me no matter, but I also knew that I could have to go get a switch out of the back yard if need be, as well. There are moments, I won't lie, that I cry and just ask for you to come back and be here. You are missed more than you know, and it is all aspects of you that are remembered.
As the years go by, it doesn't get any easier not having you here. But, the thing that keeps us all going is that we know that we will be reunited again. It will be a marvelous day on more than one accord. We anticipate the day we see Jesus and we see you. So, until that day, know we miss you, Granny. We all miss you. We love you and think of you often and how life would be with you here. Thank you for being such an example to me and everyone around you. I hope I make you proud.
Forever love you,
Lauren
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Identity to 11 months
Eleven months is coming upon us, and quickly. It is hard to believe that last year, at this time, I was on strict bed rest. And I am almost wishing I was back at that spot, just to get a good night's rest again! Haha. Also , it is a period of transition. I am reflecting over the past few weeks on my identity.
Some people have an instant "mom" identity when they have babies born. I was a bit different. I think that some of that had to do with the babies being in the NICU and some with my post-partum depression I dealt with. I feel like my attachment with my boys didn't come instantaneously and really has taken a long time to happen. I always thought that when I had babies I would be so selfish in holding them and not letting anyone get that extra second, but yet I have been the first to let them be held. It wasn't until I went back to work this second time that I became super attached to these kiddos. I'm not sure if it was the fact that the boys have gotten super clingy to me, or what. But my identity hasn't been that of a pure "mom" since they have been born. I finally have that identity. I finally have that role deep into me, and though people told me it would get easier going to work, it has become immeasurably hard to leave them each morning. My "mom" title has hit and hit hard and the "physician assistant" title has taken a far third or fourth running. Even today, when I heard from our nanny that Ayden had been crying inconsolably for some time, I broke as a Mom. It used to not be so heart-breaking to me, which I hate to say, but it's changed and now my heart breaks every time I hear something sad going on.
So, as I pick up writing this, again, it is the turn of being 11 months old. I got my "Facebook history" notification that one year ago today, I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor. It is crazy to think about this time a year ago. So much fear and anxiety surrounding these babies and their health. It is amazing what has come over the past year. These kids are something else.
Zachary is getting stronger by the day. He actually pulled himself up from a sitting position to standing this past weekend….I cried. He, also, has stopped pitching a full out temper tantrum when he goes to his stomach (and even puts himself in that position!). He moved a little bit "crawling" the other day with Alan….again, I cried. It is amazing how strong he is becoming as we work with him, daily. He loves to stand up and be like his brother. He is so proud of himself. He even knows how to turn around as he is sitting and scoot on his bottom. He is still the talker of the two. Babbles all day and night and still loves to make everyone laugh. He has been teething like crazy the past two weeks, chewing on EVERYTHING, but we have yet to see a tooth. Poor little buddy. He loves eating "table" food, even without teeth he does a pretty good job of getting it down. He is funny because he loves to pick out clothes. He gets so excited when I take him to his closet and he grabs the outfit he wants with the day and just grins.
Ayden is on the move and fast. He went from limited crawling last month to full force. He is into EVERYTHING. He loves to stand up on everything and pull up on everything. He has learned he can crawl out of the living room and that the kitchen and formal dining room have lots of goodies. He knows what he can and can't get into. He has, also, learned the meaning of the word "No" this past week and is a really good pouter when he is told it! I even experienced his first meltdown over it! He has been teething, as well, and this morning had his third tooth break through. He is still picky in eating, loves his fruit and veggies, but is very picky on consistency. He loves to growl at people and it is his form of communication. He has no bubble (like his Momma) and crawls all over his brother (much to Zach's chagrin) and everyone else. He, also, had his first busted lip this month…..mean bath tubs when you are trying to dance and get dried off.
They both have contagious grins and love to smile at everyone. They are both social babies and love being around people. They are loving the water and outside. I am hoping this continue to transfers to the love of the beach! They both are developing so quickly and it is just amazing to sit and watch them sleep and be able to hold them, when they let you. Time passes by way too quickly and I am trying to truly soak in every moment. I know when I blink, it will be their first birthday. Having these twins is truly a blessing. They have been the best gift that I have received. We just look forward to what God has in store for us here forward.
Some people have an instant "mom" identity when they have babies born. I was a bit different. I think that some of that had to do with the babies being in the NICU and some with my post-partum depression I dealt with. I feel like my attachment with my boys didn't come instantaneously and really has taken a long time to happen. I always thought that when I had babies I would be so selfish in holding them and not letting anyone get that extra second, but yet I have been the first to let them be held. It wasn't until I went back to work this second time that I became super attached to these kiddos. I'm not sure if it was the fact that the boys have gotten super clingy to me, or what. But my identity hasn't been that of a pure "mom" since they have been born. I finally have that identity. I finally have that role deep into me, and though people told me it would get easier going to work, it has become immeasurably hard to leave them each morning. My "mom" title has hit and hit hard and the "physician assistant" title has taken a far third or fourth running. Even today, when I heard from our nanny that Ayden had been crying inconsolably for some time, I broke as a Mom. It used to not be so heart-breaking to me, which I hate to say, but it's changed and now my heart breaks every time I hear something sad going on.
So, as I pick up writing this, again, it is the turn of being 11 months old. I got my "Facebook history" notification that one year ago today, I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor. It is crazy to think about this time a year ago. So much fear and anxiety surrounding these babies and their health. It is amazing what has come over the past year. These kids are something else.
Zachary is getting stronger by the day. He actually pulled himself up from a sitting position to standing this past weekend….I cried. He, also, has stopped pitching a full out temper tantrum when he goes to his stomach (and even puts himself in that position!). He moved a little bit "crawling" the other day with Alan….again, I cried. It is amazing how strong he is becoming as we work with him, daily. He loves to stand up and be like his brother. He is so proud of himself. He even knows how to turn around as he is sitting and scoot on his bottom. He is still the talker of the two. Babbles all day and night and still loves to make everyone laugh. He has been teething like crazy the past two weeks, chewing on EVERYTHING, but we have yet to see a tooth. Poor little buddy. He loves eating "table" food, even without teeth he does a pretty good job of getting it down. He is funny because he loves to pick out clothes. He gets so excited when I take him to his closet and he grabs the outfit he wants with the day and just grins.
Ayden is on the move and fast. He went from limited crawling last month to full force. He is into EVERYTHING. He loves to stand up on everything and pull up on everything. He has learned he can crawl out of the living room and that the kitchen and formal dining room have lots of goodies. He knows what he can and can't get into. He has, also, learned the meaning of the word "No" this past week and is a really good pouter when he is told it! I even experienced his first meltdown over it! He has been teething, as well, and this morning had his third tooth break through. He is still picky in eating, loves his fruit and veggies, but is very picky on consistency. He loves to growl at people and it is his form of communication. He has no bubble (like his Momma) and crawls all over his brother (much to Zach's chagrin) and everyone else. He, also, had his first busted lip this month…..mean bath tubs when you are trying to dance and get dried off.
They both have contagious grins and love to smile at everyone. They are both social babies and love being around people. They are loving the water and outside. I am hoping this continue to transfers to the love of the beach! They both are developing so quickly and it is just amazing to sit and watch them sleep and be able to hold them, when they let you. Time passes by way too quickly and I am trying to truly soak in every moment. I know when I blink, it will be their first birthday. Having these twins is truly a blessing. They have been the best gift that I have received. We just look forward to what God has in store for us here forward.
Monday, May 18, 2015
10 Months Old and New Job
Looking back on this month for the boys, it is just crazy to see how they have transformed and changed. They are just hilarious and developing so well! We are truly blessed with them and I can't believe that we are coming up on a year, quickly!
Zachary is slowly gaining strength. His "low tone" is definitely still noticeable, but we are so proud of him when he practices moving with his legs and how he has improved on standing up (even up against objects and without our support, at times!)! He gets so proud of himself when he does it and looks so happy! He just grins so big and laughs. He knows he isn't able to move as much as Ayden and it is quite sad, because he cries, at times, over it. Breaks my heart, but we just encourage him and Alan is really good at telling him he is "Big and Strong." He continues to talk up a storm. He thinks he is HILARIOUS. He dances and it is just past adorable. He continues to love to make everyone laugh and smile. He continues to be sensitive, as well. He does not like his brother to touch or pull on him (or his cousin Jonathan for that matter!). He makes it known (and quite dramatically) whenever this happens. His blonde hair is just growing and he is looking more and more like a little boy, everyday.
Ayden is a true mess. He has begun to crawl and once he got the hang of going forward, he hasn't slowed down! He loves to move ALWAYS and is never in the same position we leave him, even in bed! He is loving climbing up on things and so proud of himself for climbing off the recliners….you should see the big grin on his face when that happens! He loves to dance, too. His dancing is much more of a bouncing and jumping. He has not started to truly "talk" yet but he is really good at growling and saying "Huh." His poor little bald head is staying bald, but we think his hair is turning blonde! We have had to lower his bed, too, for him climbing up the sides. He is our little monkey!
They love their Daddy and seeing him first thing in the morning and love him making them laugh, at night. Momma comes second at those times! They love their Lolli keeping them, too, while I work. They have had a new experience of a nanny keeping them on days when my mom couldn't and have adjusted really well! Ayden is clingy but it began before the nanny. They are such good social babies.
My new job is great! It has been an adjustment working 12 hour shifts, but not nearly as difficult as I thought. I love the work I am doing now, it is what I enjoyed before my neurosurgery stint and what I have wanted to do for a long time. I am happy I can go to work, work my shift, and come home without worrying about being on call, hospital calling me, or having to go back into work. The office is nice and so are the people I work with. It has been a BIG adjustment to have someone other than a family member take care of my children. Though when I'm writing this we are in the process of getting a new nanny, she was really good with the kids. I had a hard time with her telling me how much they loved her and how they did things. I really secretly wanted them to have a little bit of an issue since I'm their mom! It was nice, too, not having to worry about doing dishes or washing bottles or doing laundry. A nice perk!
I think the hardest part, this month, has been people asking if they are crawling and walking yet. It is a weekly struggle to not compare them to other babies their age (or even younger). I get a weekly e-mail about what they are to be doing that month, milestone wise, and several weeks I am just deleting it because I know they aren't doing those things. I started crying a few weeks ago when someone asked me if they were crawling yet, then proceeds to say, well why not? My sons started crying at 6-7 months. Yea, well thanks for making me extremely upset and even more sad for Zach. It's hard not to compare. Hard not to get upset. Hard to just focus on the moment and where they are right now knowing that it is going by WAY too fast and I'm not wanting them to move around like crazy yet. I want them to revert to my week old babies that just snuggle and eat! (Though really, I want them to grow and be healthy and still snuggle). I think society, and women in general, compare things with others way too much. So, I pray for my boys to develop regularly, be healthy, and me to focus on their achievements and not what they haven't done.
So, we will see what the next month holds and I will just stare and take pictures and video and play and take in every moment with these boys…..
Zachary is slowly gaining strength. His "low tone" is definitely still noticeable, but we are so proud of him when he practices moving with his legs and how he has improved on standing up (even up against objects and without our support, at times!)! He gets so proud of himself when he does it and looks so happy! He just grins so big and laughs. He knows he isn't able to move as much as Ayden and it is quite sad, because he cries, at times, over it. Breaks my heart, but we just encourage him and Alan is really good at telling him he is "Big and Strong." He continues to talk up a storm. He thinks he is HILARIOUS. He dances and it is just past adorable. He continues to love to make everyone laugh and smile. He continues to be sensitive, as well. He does not like his brother to touch or pull on him (or his cousin Jonathan for that matter!). He makes it known (and quite dramatically) whenever this happens. His blonde hair is just growing and he is looking more and more like a little boy, everyday.
Ayden is a true mess. He has begun to crawl and once he got the hang of going forward, he hasn't slowed down! He loves to move ALWAYS and is never in the same position we leave him, even in bed! He is loving climbing up on things and so proud of himself for climbing off the recliners….you should see the big grin on his face when that happens! He loves to dance, too. His dancing is much more of a bouncing and jumping. He has not started to truly "talk" yet but he is really good at growling and saying "Huh." His poor little bald head is staying bald, but we think his hair is turning blonde! We have had to lower his bed, too, for him climbing up the sides. He is our little monkey!
They love their Daddy and seeing him first thing in the morning and love him making them laugh, at night. Momma comes second at those times! They love their Lolli keeping them, too, while I work. They have had a new experience of a nanny keeping them on days when my mom couldn't and have adjusted really well! Ayden is clingy but it began before the nanny. They are such good social babies.
My new job is great! It has been an adjustment working 12 hour shifts, but not nearly as difficult as I thought. I love the work I am doing now, it is what I enjoyed before my neurosurgery stint and what I have wanted to do for a long time. I am happy I can go to work, work my shift, and come home without worrying about being on call, hospital calling me, or having to go back into work. The office is nice and so are the people I work with. It has been a BIG adjustment to have someone other than a family member take care of my children. Though when I'm writing this we are in the process of getting a new nanny, she was really good with the kids. I had a hard time with her telling me how much they loved her and how they did things. I really secretly wanted them to have a little bit of an issue since I'm their mom! It was nice, too, not having to worry about doing dishes or washing bottles or doing laundry. A nice perk!
I think the hardest part, this month, has been people asking if they are crawling and walking yet. It is a weekly struggle to not compare them to other babies their age (or even younger). I get a weekly e-mail about what they are to be doing that month, milestone wise, and several weeks I am just deleting it because I know they aren't doing those things. I started crying a few weeks ago when someone asked me if they were crawling yet, then proceeds to say, well why not? My sons started crying at 6-7 months. Yea, well thanks for making me extremely upset and even more sad for Zach. It's hard not to compare. Hard not to get upset. Hard to just focus on the moment and where they are right now knowing that it is going by WAY too fast and I'm not wanting them to move around like crazy yet. I want them to revert to my week old babies that just snuggle and eat! (Though really, I want them to grow and be healthy and still snuggle). I think society, and women in general, compare things with others way too much. So, I pray for my boys to develop regularly, be healthy, and me to focus on their achievements and not what they haven't done.
So, we will see what the next month holds and I will just stare and take pictures and video and play and take in every moment with these boys…..
Thursday, April 9, 2015
9 Months
Where has the time gone??? It seems like yesterday we were all in the hospital and they were these tiny little creatures and now they are big and not looking anything like a premie! I saw a new baby the other day at the store that was 2 weeks old and bigger than both of them at birth and I just though, oh my word how tiny is she! It's hard to believe these big boys were so small and that it was 9 months ago!
My how quick this month has passed. It doesn't seem like it has been 2 months since I last worked and hard to believe I go back next week. We have been extremely busy this month, but the nice part is that we've been able to travel with Alan a lot of is, so it has been great family time. The boys have been on their first vacation to Charleston. They loved the beach, which makes this Momma extremely happy! Hopefully it will continue! We were so happy to get to introduce them to all our friends in Charleston, as well. We then took on the trek to Virginia and Knoxville with Alan and they handled a 9 days trip like champs!
The boys:
Zachary is weighing a whopping 21 lbs 8 oz! He hasn't slowed down on the gaining weight! He and Ayden eat the same amount, he just packs it on! He is quite the ham and entertainer. He has learned this month to growl like a dog (thanks to Brady and Beau being at our house for a few weeks) and growls at people and animals just alike….he thinks that is how you get attention. He, also, has continued on his fake cough (which he learned that Ayden got attention when he was sick with a cough). He even fooled the doctor's office receptionists with this trick! He loves making people laugh. He LOVES his Daddy, even more. Alan will just peek in a room and he lights up. He has started making his brother laugh and they are having a lot more conversations! They are, also, learning to play together, even more. He still isn't into crawling and is quite content where you leave him most times. His hair is growing long and is quite blonde! He is becoming more assertive in playing with his brother. He is working hard at it, but still no teeth!
Ayden is weighing in at 18 lbs 6 oz. He is loving more foods and has become quite the eater. He is crazy busy, though, so the weight doesn't stick on him. He loves to be moving at all times, even in bed. He has crawling backwards down pack, but now has to learn to go forwards. He can get pretty much anywhere he really wants with rolling and reaching. We went to the GI doctor this month and he believes he has food allergies which are causing his GI issues and eczema, so we are working on figuring those out! He is king of stealing toys away from his brother, because you know whatever he is playing with isn't as fun as what his brother just grabbed! Zach is getting better about not letting this happen as often. He has pushed through his second tooth! It is so crazy seeing my baby boy with two teeth! He is becoming a little more vocal. He is definitely the clingy child and loves to be attached to his Momma's shoulder at all times (if it was up to him)…being on his own is quite tragic! He is still working on consistently sleeping through the night.
They still LOVE Frozen. We even bought them other Disney movies with singing, but Frozen still wins out and stops any tantrum in its tracks! It definitely made the car ride all over the southeast doable! They have conquered the southeast (all but Florida after this weekend). This month they have traveled to Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee and this weekend will conquer Alabama and Mississippi.
We had their neurodevelopment check up this past month. This is where the neurologist, NP, and physical therapist evaluate them from the hospital team that took care of them in the NICU. Both are doing pretty well on their milestones, hitting all of their corrected age milestones and even advanced into actual age on some of them. We were informed it could take up to age 2 for them to "catch up" to actual age. Ayden has "loosened up" and is doing perfectly well! They are still concerned with Zachary and his low tone of his muscles and ligaments. We are working with him to strengthen his muscles and joints. They are wanting some extra physical therapy for him, so we are considering that.
I am quite nervous about returning to work but excited in the same. I have wanted to return to general medicine, so excited about that. It is just nerve wrecking to be leaving them for a full day and not being able to put them to bed at night. Also, we have hired a nanny to help Mom out so she won't have to be here every day I work. It will be the first time a "stranger" has kept them. We are excited about this opportunity, as well. We are, also, excited about our house being built and ready for it to be completed so we will be close to church and my work!
We are looking forward to the next month and the changes ahead. Looking forward to celebrating Alan and my 3rd wedding anniversary in the next few weeks. It has been a wild ride and I love that it has been with him! We are excited to continue to watch these boys grow and hope it slows down, just a little!
My how quick this month has passed. It doesn't seem like it has been 2 months since I last worked and hard to believe I go back next week. We have been extremely busy this month, but the nice part is that we've been able to travel with Alan a lot of is, so it has been great family time. The boys have been on their first vacation to Charleston. They loved the beach, which makes this Momma extremely happy! Hopefully it will continue! We were so happy to get to introduce them to all our friends in Charleston, as well. We then took on the trek to Virginia and Knoxville with Alan and they handled a 9 days trip like champs!
The boys:
Zachary is weighing a whopping 21 lbs 8 oz! He hasn't slowed down on the gaining weight! He and Ayden eat the same amount, he just packs it on! He is quite the ham and entertainer. He has learned this month to growl like a dog (thanks to Brady and Beau being at our house for a few weeks) and growls at people and animals just alike….he thinks that is how you get attention. He, also, has continued on his fake cough (which he learned that Ayden got attention when he was sick with a cough). He even fooled the doctor's office receptionists with this trick! He loves making people laugh. He LOVES his Daddy, even more. Alan will just peek in a room and he lights up. He has started making his brother laugh and they are having a lot more conversations! They are, also, learning to play together, even more. He still isn't into crawling and is quite content where you leave him most times. His hair is growing long and is quite blonde! He is becoming more assertive in playing with his brother. He is working hard at it, but still no teeth!
Ayden is weighing in at 18 lbs 6 oz. He is loving more foods and has become quite the eater. He is crazy busy, though, so the weight doesn't stick on him. He loves to be moving at all times, even in bed. He has crawling backwards down pack, but now has to learn to go forwards. He can get pretty much anywhere he really wants with rolling and reaching. We went to the GI doctor this month and he believes he has food allergies which are causing his GI issues and eczema, so we are working on figuring those out! He is king of stealing toys away from his brother, because you know whatever he is playing with isn't as fun as what his brother just grabbed! Zach is getting better about not letting this happen as often. He has pushed through his second tooth! It is so crazy seeing my baby boy with two teeth! He is becoming a little more vocal. He is definitely the clingy child and loves to be attached to his Momma's shoulder at all times (if it was up to him)…being on his own is quite tragic! He is still working on consistently sleeping through the night.
They still LOVE Frozen. We even bought them other Disney movies with singing, but Frozen still wins out and stops any tantrum in its tracks! It definitely made the car ride all over the southeast doable! They have conquered the southeast (all but Florida after this weekend). This month they have traveled to Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee and this weekend will conquer Alabama and Mississippi.
We had their neurodevelopment check up this past month. This is where the neurologist, NP, and physical therapist evaluate them from the hospital team that took care of them in the NICU. Both are doing pretty well on their milestones, hitting all of their corrected age milestones and even advanced into actual age on some of them. We were informed it could take up to age 2 for them to "catch up" to actual age. Ayden has "loosened up" and is doing perfectly well! They are still concerned with Zachary and his low tone of his muscles and ligaments. We are working with him to strengthen his muscles and joints. They are wanting some extra physical therapy for him, so we are considering that.
I am quite nervous about returning to work but excited in the same. I have wanted to return to general medicine, so excited about that. It is just nerve wrecking to be leaving them for a full day and not being able to put them to bed at night. Also, we have hired a nanny to help Mom out so she won't have to be here every day I work. It will be the first time a "stranger" has kept them. We are excited about this opportunity, as well. We are, also, excited about our house being built and ready for it to be completed so we will be close to church and my work!
We are looking forward to the next month and the changes ahead. Looking forward to celebrating Alan and my 3rd wedding anniversary in the next few weeks. It has been a wild ride and I love that it has been with him! We are excited to continue to watch these boys grow and hope it slows down, just a little!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
What's Your Life Say?
Conviction. It is a regular part of my life. And honestly, I am glad I get convicted on a regular basis, because it means I am growing and learning. It, also, reminds me I am an every day sinner. I am the first to admit that on a daily basis I do things I'm not proud of, don't put priorities right, and have a little temper or frustration that shouldn't be there. But, God has His Word and people in this world to help us learn and convict us to do better and follow Him better.
Last weekend, we had the pleasure of being in Dalton at Grace Presbyterian for church. Randy Jackson preached a sermon on Acts 1:1-11. His points really got me thinking, and well, he hit a few things that got me running. Things that we REALLY need to EXAMINE ourselves as Christians and people. Don't stop reading now. I think this is important.
Churches are big on outreach (majority of them that is). It was the Great Commission that Jesus gave us. "Go to the ends of the earth and preach about Me." Randy asked a question to the church: "We outreach to prisons and different cultures but are we as a church ready for them to be a PART of our church?" Profound. A lot of us are okay with mission's trips to foreign countries, prison fellowship, and outreach to needy communities. But when the people we outreach to actually come to our church, how do we respond?
I am one quick to judge those that treat people differently but I am also one that doesn't treat people the same when it comes down to it. Funny thing, our preacher preached on judging this past Sunday (talk about conviction, again!). But I digress. I want us to truly examine ourselves. How would you feel if someone who was a convicted burglar came into your church home? He/She has served their time, repented of their doings, and accepted Christ and is a new believer. How do you treat them when they enter your comfort zone? How about a convicted child molester? How about a convicted murderer? How would you respond as they sat next to you in church? Do you greet them? Invite them to lunch? How would you respond if their children want to play with your children? How about if they wanted to join your small group? Would you isolate them because they are a convicted felon? I am one to think that yes, we quickly would. And it isn't what would you do, what do you do?
That brings to my next question. How are we any different in our Father's eyes than a convicted felon? Guess what? When they are redeemed through His grace, He doesn't see them any different. We are just as awful. Why then, do we feel like we can quickly judge and isolate those different then us? How is that enveloping the whole truth of the Gospel?
Sadly, I have seen how preconceived ideas can isolate the best people. For example, my step son has long hair (I am actually jealous of how pretty it is) and gauges in his ears. He has a single tattoo and loves loud music. He is quickly to be judged by others in a negative way. BUT, I can tell you that he is one of the sweetest, most caring and sensitive men I know. He is so kind and never fails to give me and his dad a hug when entering and leaving our home. He is the most appreciative for all we do. Yet, if I had judged him on appearance, I could lose a relationship with an amazing person who needs Jesus' love. So, what are you missing? What are you allowing your child to miss? How quickly we say "My child isn't going to play with that child, have you seen their parents? Do you know what they do?" It sickens me.
So, we have to look at ourselves. Are we too comfortable in our lives to daily reach out to others? Do we have the "too good" attitude to truly accept and love the prisoners and "different" people into our daily life? Are we "fake" acceptors? It's good from afar and being able to leave them at prison or their neighborhood but if they enter our daily life it is a different story? What do we teach our children to do? Accept everyone for their differences and teach them Jesus or judge those that aren't in our social circle/social class? Do you not make them go to youth group because of the different "culture" that is there?
I remember a song by DC Talk when I was growing up "The single most cause of atheism in the world today is Christians. Who accept Him with our mouths but deny him with our lives." Take action and get busy being friends outside your comfort circle. You will be blessed far more than expected and dreamed. We are called to do so. God calls us to and we need to accept this challenge. Be prepared to be blessed!
Last weekend, we had the pleasure of being in Dalton at Grace Presbyterian for church. Randy Jackson preached a sermon on Acts 1:1-11. His points really got me thinking, and well, he hit a few things that got me running. Things that we REALLY need to EXAMINE ourselves as Christians and people. Don't stop reading now. I think this is important.
Churches are big on outreach (majority of them that is). It was the Great Commission that Jesus gave us. "Go to the ends of the earth and preach about Me." Randy asked a question to the church: "We outreach to prisons and different cultures but are we as a church ready for them to be a PART of our church?" Profound. A lot of us are okay with mission's trips to foreign countries, prison fellowship, and outreach to needy communities. But when the people we outreach to actually come to our church, how do we respond?
I am one quick to judge those that treat people differently but I am also one that doesn't treat people the same when it comes down to it. Funny thing, our preacher preached on judging this past Sunday (talk about conviction, again!). But I digress. I want us to truly examine ourselves. How would you feel if someone who was a convicted burglar came into your church home? He/She has served their time, repented of their doings, and accepted Christ and is a new believer. How do you treat them when they enter your comfort zone? How about a convicted child molester? How about a convicted murderer? How would you respond as they sat next to you in church? Do you greet them? Invite them to lunch? How would you respond if their children want to play with your children? How about if they wanted to join your small group? Would you isolate them because they are a convicted felon? I am one to think that yes, we quickly would. And it isn't what would you do, what do you do?
That brings to my next question. How are we any different in our Father's eyes than a convicted felon? Guess what? When they are redeemed through His grace, He doesn't see them any different. We are just as awful. Why then, do we feel like we can quickly judge and isolate those different then us? How is that enveloping the whole truth of the Gospel?
Sadly, I have seen how preconceived ideas can isolate the best people. For example, my step son has long hair (I am actually jealous of how pretty it is) and gauges in his ears. He has a single tattoo and loves loud music. He is quickly to be judged by others in a negative way. BUT, I can tell you that he is one of the sweetest, most caring and sensitive men I know. He is so kind and never fails to give me and his dad a hug when entering and leaving our home. He is the most appreciative for all we do. Yet, if I had judged him on appearance, I could lose a relationship with an amazing person who needs Jesus' love. So, what are you missing? What are you allowing your child to miss? How quickly we say "My child isn't going to play with that child, have you seen their parents? Do you know what they do?" It sickens me.
So, we have to look at ourselves. Are we too comfortable in our lives to daily reach out to others? Do we have the "too good" attitude to truly accept and love the prisoners and "different" people into our daily life? Are we "fake" acceptors? It's good from afar and being able to leave them at prison or their neighborhood but if they enter our daily life it is a different story? What do we teach our children to do? Accept everyone for their differences and teach them Jesus or judge those that aren't in our social circle/social class? Do you not make them go to youth group because of the different "culture" that is there?
I remember a song by DC Talk when I was growing up "The single most cause of atheism in the world today is Christians. Who accept Him with our mouths but deny him with our lives." Take action and get busy being friends outside your comfort circle. You will be blessed far more than expected and dreamed. We are called to do so. God calls us to and we need to accept this challenge. Be prepared to be blessed!
Monday, March 9, 2015
8 Months
The boys are 8 months old today!!! It is really hard to believe and process. 2/3 of a year has just flown by and my tiny babies are no longer tiny! They are quite the pair.
People who had twins told me that if you make it past the first four months, you are good. Well, I hate to disagree with them, but it seems that it is harder with twins right now than it was back then! Yes, you are up every 3-4 hours, but it was on a rigid schedule you knew about and not craziness of times dependent if they wake up or not during the night. Also, back then, they just slept and ate and pooped and slept and really just laid there…..now they know what's going on and it is all too hard!
Both boys have started to get jealous of the other. If one is being held, the other immediately notices and more times than not acts out to get the same attention. If you put one down to go get the other, well, expect crying until that other baby is doing the exact same thing as he is. It's humorous at times but trying, too, as I am home with them without help a lot. Zach has noticed that Ayden has gotten noticed for coughing and just today has begun to fake cough to see if I will pay attention to him about it. It is actually quite cute and funny….he will "cough cough cough" then turn and smile big and laugh. He's a ham. They both are.
Both boys are becoming more mobile, as well. Ayden has surpassed Zachary (as we fully expected because he is the more active of the two). He is all over the place in his bed, during tummy time, while they sit on the floor to play, and in his jumparoo and exersaucer. He will definitely be keeping me busy! Zachary, for the most part, is content wherever you put him. He does role over in his bed but mostly stays put and only roles over when he wakes up. He continues to be the more talkative of the two. He starts when he wakes up and we hear "dada-dada" continuously. He is our early riser, as well. He doesn't stop talking all the days long!! Ayden isn't making his syllables yet, but he makes plenty of noise, too! It is funny to listen them talk back and forth and laugh at each other. They also like to steal toys from each other, back and forth. Neither seems to mind, yet.
Ayden has cut his first tooth, this month. It just popped up last Saturday out of no where. I figured that Zach was teething because he was drooling and gnawing on everything and low and behold Ayden got his tooth! Zach is still working on it, pretty hard core. And I think Ayden is cutting his second tooth, already.
They are both eating really well and Ayden is actually liking more foods (thank heavens!). Zach is a hoss. He loves his food. We are still trying to figure out if Ayden has food allergies. He continues to have some pretty bad eczema and we aren't sure the cause or what to do to make it better…..we have tried everything to no avail. He still is quite opinionated on food and will gag or cough to throw it up if he doesn't find it enjoyable.
They went swimming for the first time, too! They both loved it, which I thought for sure Zachary would be opinionated and cry! Ayden kicked all over the place and Zachary enjoyed relaxin in the water. He is quite laid back, like his Daddy. Which, to no ones' surprise, he is QUITE the Daddy's boy. He loves his Daddy and the world stops when he walks into the room and he gets the biggest grins! I am happy they love the water and am hoping they love the water at the beach in a few weeks!!!
I am home with them for another month and I am enjoying this time. It has flown by over the past few weeks. We have been busy but I have enjoyed traveling with Alan and spending time with family. We have a very busy next few weeks, so I know that they will fly by, too. I am still nervous about my new job, but have a peace over it. Working 12 days a month is going to be a blessing and I had a "God affirming" moment in the middle of the night the other night. SO, I am excited for this new journey, as well! We are in the process of deciding on a home for us and looking forward to the path God has for us. Looking forward to this next month and the advances the boys will make!
People who had twins told me that if you make it past the first four months, you are good. Well, I hate to disagree with them, but it seems that it is harder with twins right now than it was back then! Yes, you are up every 3-4 hours, but it was on a rigid schedule you knew about and not craziness of times dependent if they wake up or not during the night. Also, back then, they just slept and ate and pooped and slept and really just laid there…..now they know what's going on and it is all too hard!
Both boys have started to get jealous of the other. If one is being held, the other immediately notices and more times than not acts out to get the same attention. If you put one down to go get the other, well, expect crying until that other baby is doing the exact same thing as he is. It's humorous at times but trying, too, as I am home with them without help a lot. Zach has noticed that Ayden has gotten noticed for coughing and just today has begun to fake cough to see if I will pay attention to him about it. It is actually quite cute and funny….he will "cough cough cough" then turn and smile big and laugh. He's a ham. They both are.
Both boys are becoming more mobile, as well. Ayden has surpassed Zachary (as we fully expected because he is the more active of the two). He is all over the place in his bed, during tummy time, while they sit on the floor to play, and in his jumparoo and exersaucer. He will definitely be keeping me busy! Zachary, for the most part, is content wherever you put him. He does role over in his bed but mostly stays put and only roles over when he wakes up. He continues to be the more talkative of the two. He starts when he wakes up and we hear "dada-dada" continuously. He is our early riser, as well. He doesn't stop talking all the days long!! Ayden isn't making his syllables yet, but he makes plenty of noise, too! It is funny to listen them talk back and forth and laugh at each other. They also like to steal toys from each other, back and forth. Neither seems to mind, yet.
Ayden has cut his first tooth, this month. It just popped up last Saturday out of no where. I figured that Zach was teething because he was drooling and gnawing on everything and low and behold Ayden got his tooth! Zach is still working on it, pretty hard core. And I think Ayden is cutting his second tooth, already.
They are both eating really well and Ayden is actually liking more foods (thank heavens!). Zach is a hoss. He loves his food. We are still trying to figure out if Ayden has food allergies. He continues to have some pretty bad eczema and we aren't sure the cause or what to do to make it better…..we have tried everything to no avail. He still is quite opinionated on food and will gag or cough to throw it up if he doesn't find it enjoyable.
They went swimming for the first time, too! They both loved it, which I thought for sure Zachary would be opinionated and cry! Ayden kicked all over the place and Zachary enjoyed relaxin in the water. He is quite laid back, like his Daddy. Which, to no ones' surprise, he is QUITE the Daddy's boy. He loves his Daddy and the world stops when he walks into the room and he gets the biggest grins! I am happy they love the water and am hoping they love the water at the beach in a few weeks!!!
I am home with them for another month and I am enjoying this time. It has flown by over the past few weeks. We have been busy but I have enjoyed traveling with Alan and spending time with family. We have a very busy next few weeks, so I know that they will fly by, too. I am still nervous about my new job, but have a peace over it. Working 12 days a month is going to be a blessing and I had a "God affirming" moment in the middle of the night the other night. SO, I am excited for this new journey, as well! We are in the process of deciding on a home for us and looking forward to the path God has for us. Looking forward to this next month and the advances the boys will make!
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
The Craziness of Life - 7 months old
This has been a crazy past month! I went back to work part-time which was a blessing to be able to kind of command my schedule. The boys have had my mom come take care of them during the day and have thrived beautifully! They are now sitting up all on their own without assistance. Ayden is ready to be mobile…he tries really hard when something is just out of reach. Zachary is content with being put where ever you place him, except if Mommy or Daddy walks out of the room, then we have tears. Separation anxiety has begun!
They had their 6 month check up (just a month behind) last week and immunizations. They took them like a champ (though it was tough on their Daddy to watch). Zachary is up to 20 lbs 5 oz (four times his birth weight) and Ayden is at 17 lbs 15 oz (over four times his birth weight). Our doctor said she isn't worried about them gaining weight anymore, it is time for a diet, haha! They are definitely eaters! Ayden is still quite picky and continues to gag himself when he doesn't like something.
They are talking to each other up a storm. They find it quite humorous. Jealousy has also begun in the Swartwood household. Both boys don't like not to be held if the other one is being held. AND, Zachary is not okay with me holding them both at the same time (which began this past week). He is quite dramatic about it. He, also, does not like Ayden to touch him (I had no clue this started this young!). I can just hear it in the car now - "Mom, he touched me!" with screaming. They are both enamored with "Let It Go" from Frozen and it can instantaneously stop a screaming fit! Though I did not originally like this movie, it has become my favorite!
Another change over the past week is that I quit my job. There was a lot of drama and situations I wasn't comfortable with, so after much prayer and thought, we decided it would be best for me at this moment. The nice part is that I have to give a two months notice for my resignation and my doctor decided that I could spend the two months at home spending time with the babies than working that time out. I have, also, found another job, in the meantime. I will begin at the end of the two months with an urgent care in Hendersonville, TN. This is quite exciting (as I will be back in general medicine) and scary at the same time (I will be working 12 hours shifts). It will still be 3 days a week, which is nice, but I am struggling with being a full day away from the babies and not able to put them to bed at night.
We have had a crazy amount of options and changes in the work environment for both Alan and myself in the past week. We are looking for a home closer to my new job and church. It's proving to be a little more difficult than we thought (though it has taken almost 3 years for us to decide to buy a house and figure out what we like). So, we are praying for God's wisdom and guidance through it all. We know it will all pan out in the perfect timing (like everything in our life has)!
That's this month's update and we are hoping that not every month is as lively and chaotic as this one. I am so grateful to get to be a stay at home mom for the next month and a half or so again. Looking forward to cherishing each moment with these boys as I watch them grow up way too fast!
They had their 6 month check up (just a month behind) last week and immunizations. They took them like a champ (though it was tough on their Daddy to watch). Zachary is up to 20 lbs 5 oz (four times his birth weight) and Ayden is at 17 lbs 15 oz (over four times his birth weight). Our doctor said she isn't worried about them gaining weight anymore, it is time for a diet, haha! They are definitely eaters! Ayden is still quite picky and continues to gag himself when he doesn't like something.
They are talking to each other up a storm. They find it quite humorous. Jealousy has also begun in the Swartwood household. Both boys don't like not to be held if the other one is being held. AND, Zachary is not okay with me holding them both at the same time (which began this past week). He is quite dramatic about it. He, also, does not like Ayden to touch him (I had no clue this started this young!). I can just hear it in the car now - "Mom, he touched me!" with screaming. They are both enamored with "Let It Go" from Frozen and it can instantaneously stop a screaming fit! Though I did not originally like this movie, it has become my favorite!
Another change over the past week is that I quit my job. There was a lot of drama and situations I wasn't comfortable with, so after much prayer and thought, we decided it would be best for me at this moment. The nice part is that I have to give a two months notice for my resignation and my doctor decided that I could spend the two months at home spending time with the babies than working that time out. I have, also, found another job, in the meantime. I will begin at the end of the two months with an urgent care in Hendersonville, TN. This is quite exciting (as I will be back in general medicine) and scary at the same time (I will be working 12 hours shifts). It will still be 3 days a week, which is nice, but I am struggling with being a full day away from the babies and not able to put them to bed at night.
We have had a crazy amount of options and changes in the work environment for both Alan and myself in the past week. We are looking for a home closer to my new job and church. It's proving to be a little more difficult than we thought (though it has taken almost 3 years for us to decide to buy a house and figure out what we like). So, we are praying for God's wisdom and guidance through it all. We know it will all pan out in the perfect timing (like everything in our life has)!
That's this month's update and we are hoping that not every month is as lively and chaotic as this one. I am so grateful to get to be a stay at home mom for the next month and a half or so again. Looking forward to cherishing each moment with these boys as I watch them grow up way too fast!
Sunday, January 25, 2015
The Step Mom Story
I never wanted to be a step-mother. Like EVER. I never dreamed of it and actually, in my mind for years and years, I promised I would NEVER marry a divorced man with children. God laughed (like He usually does when I say I will never do something). That being said, I am a step-mother. And though I do no mothering, nor do I want to, I am still a step-mother.
There is a lot that comes with being a step-mother. First, getting acceptance. This is the hardest and most complicated part. And honestly, it may never happen. I have a hard time with this part. I want to be loved by all and don't understand when someone can dislike me for no reason, other than that I married their father and I am not their mother. Which, I guess in itself is plenty of reason to dislike someone. But, to just dislike someone without knowing them, is quite unfair. But, I also don't want to be used to be accepted, which happens a lot in mixed families. There are many factors that go into acceptance. The relationship your spouse has with their children, the relationship the ex has with their children, and the way that relationship ended. It isn't an easy place to be in, an outsider coming in. Also, a lot can be placed on the ages of the children. I used to think it would be harder to be a step parent to young children, boy was I wrong. I think "adult" children are more difficult. I am still working on this part, and it is hard, especially when you hardly get to see your step-children and they are waiting for you to mess up for affirmation from the words their mother has spoken about you.
Second, dealing with your step children. It is hard, because you aren't their parent and you aren't allowed to impose the way you would do things on them. They aren't your children, so any expectations and consequences you would like to have in place aren't necessarily allowed. With me, this is hard. I know how I was raised and believe in tough love and consequences, which I plan to use with my boys, but can't on my step-children. When I see no effort put into a relationship or my husband hurt by them I am the first and quickest to say "They deserve nothing and don't let them return to this house." But then my temper settles and I realize how wrong I am in saying that. And then, well I get convicted. Because how many times does my heavenly Father want to spend time with me and call me to sit with him and visit and I am "too busy" with life or "don't know what my plans are" or any other excuse in the book. He doesn't disown me, He is hurt, but he shows grace. And man have I had to learn that, and am still learning. But, it is the perfect example, which I have to remind myself on a frequent basis that my relationship with my step-children needs to look like my Father's relationship with me.
Thirdly, scheduling holidays. It is quite hard. Now that there are our own two little ones in tow, we are starting our own family traditions and for the first time our holidays don't revolve around the schedule of my step-children. This has entailed them missing every holiday with us this year. It's hurtful that they haven't made the effort and it is hurtful to see their dad so sad, but I have to remember, they are adults and we are focusing on our boys. Between their mother, her father, my parents, his dad and sister, cousins, and their significant others it gets quite difficult to get it all in sync.
Fourth would be blending. Once you start a family of your own, it is very important and difficult to show them you are not "replacing" them but just expanding their family. This is also, extremely difficult. Especially with older children who have been used to their lives with their parent. I don't have advice for this because, well, frankly we are in the midst of it.
I read a book when we first got married called "Super Step Mom." It was actually one of the best books I read regarding this. It let my high expectations be broken and realize we are like a crock pot. Some things get blended and cooked faster than others. Like a friend of mine was discussing with me a few weeks ago who is in a similar situation, we love the men we married and know we are supposed to be with them. There is no doubt and our love is unconditional, it is just hard adjusting to having a child that isn't your own and you have no control over.
So, I will continue to pray, and ask forgiveness, and hope that life as a blended family becomes blended. That I do my part like my Father wants me to, no matter the circumstances on the other end. And beyond all, that I continue to love my husband and support him and his relationship with them.
There is a lot that comes with being a step-mother. First, getting acceptance. This is the hardest and most complicated part. And honestly, it may never happen. I have a hard time with this part. I want to be loved by all and don't understand when someone can dislike me for no reason, other than that I married their father and I am not their mother. Which, I guess in itself is plenty of reason to dislike someone. But, to just dislike someone without knowing them, is quite unfair. But, I also don't want to be used to be accepted, which happens a lot in mixed families. There are many factors that go into acceptance. The relationship your spouse has with their children, the relationship the ex has with their children, and the way that relationship ended. It isn't an easy place to be in, an outsider coming in. Also, a lot can be placed on the ages of the children. I used to think it would be harder to be a step parent to young children, boy was I wrong. I think "adult" children are more difficult. I am still working on this part, and it is hard, especially when you hardly get to see your step-children and they are waiting for you to mess up for affirmation from the words their mother has spoken about you.
Second, dealing with your step children. It is hard, because you aren't their parent and you aren't allowed to impose the way you would do things on them. They aren't your children, so any expectations and consequences you would like to have in place aren't necessarily allowed. With me, this is hard. I know how I was raised and believe in tough love and consequences, which I plan to use with my boys, but can't on my step-children. When I see no effort put into a relationship or my husband hurt by them I am the first and quickest to say "They deserve nothing and don't let them return to this house." But then my temper settles and I realize how wrong I am in saying that. And then, well I get convicted. Because how many times does my heavenly Father want to spend time with me and call me to sit with him and visit and I am "too busy" with life or "don't know what my plans are" or any other excuse in the book. He doesn't disown me, He is hurt, but he shows grace. And man have I had to learn that, and am still learning. But, it is the perfect example, which I have to remind myself on a frequent basis that my relationship with my step-children needs to look like my Father's relationship with me.
Thirdly, scheduling holidays. It is quite hard. Now that there are our own two little ones in tow, we are starting our own family traditions and for the first time our holidays don't revolve around the schedule of my step-children. This has entailed them missing every holiday with us this year. It's hurtful that they haven't made the effort and it is hurtful to see their dad so sad, but I have to remember, they are adults and we are focusing on our boys. Between their mother, her father, my parents, his dad and sister, cousins, and their significant others it gets quite difficult to get it all in sync.
Fourth would be blending. Once you start a family of your own, it is very important and difficult to show them you are not "replacing" them but just expanding their family. This is also, extremely difficult. Especially with older children who have been used to their lives with their parent. I don't have advice for this because, well, frankly we are in the midst of it.
I read a book when we first got married called "Super Step Mom." It was actually one of the best books I read regarding this. It let my high expectations be broken and realize we are like a crock pot. Some things get blended and cooked faster than others. Like a friend of mine was discussing with me a few weeks ago who is in a similar situation, we love the men we married and know we are supposed to be with them. There is no doubt and our love is unconditional, it is just hard adjusting to having a child that isn't your own and you have no control over.
So, I will continue to pray, and ask forgiveness, and hope that life as a blended family becomes blended. That I do my part like my Father wants me to, no matter the circumstances on the other end. And beyond all, that I continue to love my husband and support him and his relationship with them.
Friday, January 23, 2015
The Balancing Act: Wife, Mother, and now again a PA
Balancing roles is a difficult thing. It's definitely a juggling act on a daily basis. My first role in my "adult" world was physician assistant. Being a physician assistant was pretty easy to me, I love it. I was very picky in the role I chose to work in so that I could have weekends free and plenty of vacation time - most of you all saw my travels because that's what I enjoyed. I transitioned into that role pretty easily and didn't have a problem leaving work at work and enjoying life at home. The single life.
Then came marriage. Balancing between work identity and wife was pretty easy too. I took on my most challenging and demanding (both intellectually and by hours worked) job when I got married. Since Alan traveled a good amount, it was still pretty easy to balance wife and PA. When I was finished with work, I was done (most of the time) and my weekends were still free….so we had our moments together and life was good. We had date nights weekly (or biweekly) and still were able to travel a fair amount. No schedule, really, and just fly by the seat of our pants. The only real struggle was finding who I was in a new city, knowing no one but Alan's family. That transition, still continues.
Then came babies. Becoming a mom was the thing I had dreamed of my whole life. I remember at 4 years old "birthing" my baby dolls and being their mom. I had it covered. Transition was kind of slow because of the NICU but then came on quick being the mom of twins. It's hard! Being a mother (or parent) is a 24 hour a day job. There are no breaks (and I know everyone is going, well duh) and honestly, being away from my babies was something I didn't want to happen because I knew they are my only babies and time goes by so quickly. But, I also knew that Alan's and my relationship is one of the most important (most under God of course) and that it has to be a priority. While on maternity leave, it wasn't too hard to make time for each other. I didn't mind leaving them for a night with my parents a few times and one weekend, because I knew my days would be filled with them. It has been a slow adjustment to being a good wife and mother and I am still working on it.
They say that becoming a parent is one of the hardest things on a marriage. Lack of sleep, crazy schedules, all the duties of taking care of a child, and just the busyness of life come into play and a lot of times the relationship between husband and wife takes on the back burner role….it is dangerous. It is important for those date nights and quality conversation. It is important for you to stay friends with your spouse and do things to show that you love each other, even in the craziness of parenthood.
Then came becoming a working mom. Though I am only working part-time, it is back to being a role I am playing. Honestly, right now, it is the lowest priority on my totem pole of life, but yet it takes up three days a week and takes away time from me being "mommy." Transitioning back into being a PA has been harder than I thought. I love my patients, they make the days go by, but leaving my children is hard. (Though I am super blessed to have my mom take care of them so I don't have to worry about them). Transitioning into PA, wife and mother is harder than I though in multiple ways. I feel like I am not as good of a mom because I leave my children and they have shown their disapproval through staying awake most nights when I am working the next day. That being said, the exhaustion we have from that takes away time from being able to have that quality time with my husband after our babies go to bed. We are just ready to fall asleep! (And they are not "early to bed" children.)
It's a struggle to get out to date nights, now. Most weekends are the only time we truly get to be a family of four (Alan still has to travel) and it is our only quality time together. Having twins, it is harder to obtain a babysitter than with a singleton….most people find it overwhelming at just the thought of two, so to actually have someone agree or volunteer to babysit is few and far between. I'm not complaining, it's just the real of my life. It's been 3 months since we've been out on a date by ourselves (and trust me I never imagined that!). Our dates mostly consist of ordering in and sitting at the kitchen table talking. And let me tell you, those moments are good moments! And vital to our relationship.
It's hard to find a balance in life. I'm no where close to finding it. All I know is, I want to be able to find it and be a good wife and mother. Our life has become quite routine, I mean, we've been on a schedule that has been for the most part strict since the boys arrived. But, I don't want my life to be routine. I long for adventure and spontaneity and being social and being able to go and I want the same for my husband and my kids.
Everything is for a season, and I know this season of hardship will pass. We will have babysitters that aren't scared of twins and allow us to go for a dinner or movie out. We will have our boys grow up way too fast and go and do their own things that will allow us to have that time together, again. So now, I cherish the fact that we get to spend our evenings together, laughing and watching and playing. But, I also know that I have to get better at prioritizing and making sacrifices (like an hour of sleep) to be able to spend that quality time with my husband. God calls us to do it because it is vital.
So, as I continue to juggle life and work on balancing life, I pray. I know that spreading myself thin is not the answer, but I know HE is and God will give me the strength and ability to be what I am supposed to be.
Then came marriage. Balancing between work identity and wife was pretty easy too. I took on my most challenging and demanding (both intellectually and by hours worked) job when I got married. Since Alan traveled a good amount, it was still pretty easy to balance wife and PA. When I was finished with work, I was done (most of the time) and my weekends were still free….so we had our moments together and life was good. We had date nights weekly (or biweekly) and still were able to travel a fair amount. No schedule, really, and just fly by the seat of our pants. The only real struggle was finding who I was in a new city, knowing no one but Alan's family. That transition, still continues.
Then came babies. Becoming a mom was the thing I had dreamed of my whole life. I remember at 4 years old "birthing" my baby dolls and being their mom. I had it covered. Transition was kind of slow because of the NICU but then came on quick being the mom of twins. It's hard! Being a mother (or parent) is a 24 hour a day job. There are no breaks (and I know everyone is going, well duh) and honestly, being away from my babies was something I didn't want to happen because I knew they are my only babies and time goes by so quickly. But, I also knew that Alan's and my relationship is one of the most important (most under God of course) and that it has to be a priority. While on maternity leave, it wasn't too hard to make time for each other. I didn't mind leaving them for a night with my parents a few times and one weekend, because I knew my days would be filled with them. It has been a slow adjustment to being a good wife and mother and I am still working on it.
They say that becoming a parent is one of the hardest things on a marriage. Lack of sleep, crazy schedules, all the duties of taking care of a child, and just the busyness of life come into play and a lot of times the relationship between husband and wife takes on the back burner role….it is dangerous. It is important for those date nights and quality conversation. It is important for you to stay friends with your spouse and do things to show that you love each other, even in the craziness of parenthood.
Then came becoming a working mom. Though I am only working part-time, it is back to being a role I am playing. Honestly, right now, it is the lowest priority on my totem pole of life, but yet it takes up three days a week and takes away time from me being "mommy." Transitioning back into being a PA has been harder than I thought. I love my patients, they make the days go by, but leaving my children is hard. (Though I am super blessed to have my mom take care of them so I don't have to worry about them). Transitioning into PA, wife and mother is harder than I though in multiple ways. I feel like I am not as good of a mom because I leave my children and they have shown their disapproval through staying awake most nights when I am working the next day. That being said, the exhaustion we have from that takes away time from being able to have that quality time with my husband after our babies go to bed. We are just ready to fall asleep! (And they are not "early to bed" children.)
It's a struggle to get out to date nights, now. Most weekends are the only time we truly get to be a family of four (Alan still has to travel) and it is our only quality time together. Having twins, it is harder to obtain a babysitter than with a singleton….most people find it overwhelming at just the thought of two, so to actually have someone agree or volunteer to babysit is few and far between. I'm not complaining, it's just the real of my life. It's been 3 months since we've been out on a date by ourselves (and trust me I never imagined that!). Our dates mostly consist of ordering in and sitting at the kitchen table talking. And let me tell you, those moments are good moments! And vital to our relationship.
It's hard to find a balance in life. I'm no where close to finding it. All I know is, I want to be able to find it and be a good wife and mother. Our life has become quite routine, I mean, we've been on a schedule that has been for the most part strict since the boys arrived. But, I don't want my life to be routine. I long for adventure and spontaneity and being social and being able to go and I want the same for my husband and my kids.
Everything is for a season, and I know this season of hardship will pass. We will have babysitters that aren't scared of twins and allow us to go for a dinner or movie out. We will have our boys grow up way too fast and go and do their own things that will allow us to have that time together, again. So now, I cherish the fact that we get to spend our evenings together, laughing and watching and playing. But, I also know that I have to get better at prioritizing and making sacrifices (like an hour of sleep) to be able to spend that quality time with my husband. God calls us to do it because it is vital.
So, as I continue to juggle life and work on balancing life, I pray. I know that spreading myself thin is not the answer, but I know HE is and God will give me the strength and ability to be what I am supposed to be.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
6 Months and Returning to Work
I can't believe half a year has passed (tomorrow) since these little ones have arrived in our lives! Though, they aren't so little anymore! The time has flown past and well, I am wishing already it would slow down a little bit!
Zachary is a whopping 18 lbs 8 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds since birth! He loves to talk and will "talk" your ears off all morning and night. He actually wakes up in his crib "talking" in the morning and from naps. He has found his foot and loves admiring it. And, this week, his Lolli got him to sit on his own for the first time! Such a big boy. We began solids this past week and he loves them. He will gobble down anything you put into his mouth….so not a picky eater! He loves his naps and we have learned we don't wake him from them, because pitching a fit will begin. He has been the more consistent "sleeper through the night." He loves to snuggle and would stay that way all day if he could. He loves looking in the mirror and thinks he is a good looking baby. He continues to be the more sensitive one and very much the more opinionated/tempermental one of the two.
Ayden is catching up to his brother at 17 lbs 6 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds, as well, since birth and quadrupled his birth weight….let's just say these boys don't miss a meal! He is more picky of the two eating. He does not like any vegetable, thus far, but will "suffer" eating them as long as it is mixed with prunes - which he has been getting in his bottle since he was around 2 months old. He loves to laugh and figure things out. He is the more serious of the two and when in his exersaucer or playing with a toy really tries to "figure it out." Looks like a future engineer. He is the more active of the two and full of energy. He loves to be held and snuggle too, but has to have his energy out so it is more "jumping" in your lap. He loves looking at himself in the mirror, too. He continues to have stomach issues, so we are hoping those dissipate over the next few weeks with baby food.
They have grown so much and their personalities keep developing. They are actually doing really well on their "corrected age" scale of things they should be doing - though they have yet to really roll over because they love sleeping on their belly and think that is what you are making them do when they have tummy time. They love being around people and being held and are such good babies. I couldn't imagine having better babies! Thank heavens they aren't like me when I was an infant!
The BIG change happened this week with my return to work. Monday night was a very hard night for me putting the babies to bed, but they knew I needed to see them before I left for work so were up extra early that morning….thankfully went back to sleep so their Lolli could rest before she had to keep them. I think I wouldn't be able to work if it wasn't for my mom keeping them. She is BEYOND a blessing. Thankfully, too, my work schedule is progressing me back into work and I didn't start off with an impossibly hard and busy schedule. It has kept me busy enough to get through the day and make it home at a decent time to see the boys. I have a great boss who has been wonderful through this whole process. Unfortunately my three day work week continues tomorrow and Saturday of this week, but it shouldn't be too bad. I remembered right when I first went into a patient's room on Tuesday why I do what I do and why I love it. Love my patients. Loving my patients makes it a little easier to know that I have to leave my babies. It's also funny because what should take no time to round in the hospital this week has taken me at least 3 hours due to everyone welcoming me back and wanting to see pictures of the babies….felt good to be missed, in a way!
I look forward to the months ahead and the growth these boys are going to do. It is just crazy that half a year of their life is over already and the second half is fastly going to pass as well. Trying to take in each moment with them. Thank you all for your prayers over this past week, they were definitely felt and I appreciate it more than you know…think it is what has made work bearable.
Zachary is a whopping 18 lbs 8 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds since birth! He loves to talk and will "talk" your ears off all morning and night. He actually wakes up in his crib "talking" in the morning and from naps. He has found his foot and loves admiring it. And, this week, his Lolli got him to sit on his own for the first time! Such a big boy. We began solids this past week and he loves them. He will gobble down anything you put into his mouth….so not a picky eater! He loves his naps and we have learned we don't wake him from them, because pitching a fit will begin. He has been the more consistent "sleeper through the night." He loves to snuggle and would stay that way all day if he could. He loves looking in the mirror and thinks he is a good looking baby. He continues to be the more sensitive one and very much the more opinionated/tempermental one of the two.
Ayden is catching up to his brother at 17 lbs 6 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds, as well, since birth and quadrupled his birth weight….let's just say these boys don't miss a meal! He is more picky of the two eating. He does not like any vegetable, thus far, but will "suffer" eating them as long as it is mixed with prunes - which he has been getting in his bottle since he was around 2 months old. He loves to laugh and figure things out. He is the more serious of the two and when in his exersaucer or playing with a toy really tries to "figure it out." Looks like a future engineer. He is the more active of the two and full of energy. He loves to be held and snuggle too, but has to have his energy out so it is more "jumping" in your lap. He loves looking at himself in the mirror, too. He continues to have stomach issues, so we are hoping those dissipate over the next few weeks with baby food.
They have grown so much and their personalities keep developing. They are actually doing really well on their "corrected age" scale of things they should be doing - though they have yet to really roll over because they love sleeping on their belly and think that is what you are making them do when they have tummy time. They love being around people and being held and are such good babies. I couldn't imagine having better babies! Thank heavens they aren't like me when I was an infant!
The BIG change happened this week with my return to work. Monday night was a very hard night for me putting the babies to bed, but they knew I needed to see them before I left for work so were up extra early that morning….thankfully went back to sleep so their Lolli could rest before she had to keep them. I think I wouldn't be able to work if it wasn't for my mom keeping them. She is BEYOND a blessing. Thankfully, too, my work schedule is progressing me back into work and I didn't start off with an impossibly hard and busy schedule. It has kept me busy enough to get through the day and make it home at a decent time to see the boys. I have a great boss who has been wonderful through this whole process. Unfortunately my three day work week continues tomorrow and Saturday of this week, but it shouldn't be too bad. I remembered right when I first went into a patient's room on Tuesday why I do what I do and why I love it. Love my patients. Loving my patients makes it a little easier to know that I have to leave my babies. It's also funny because what should take no time to round in the hospital this week has taken me at least 3 hours due to everyone welcoming me back and wanting to see pictures of the babies….felt good to be missed, in a way!
I look forward to the months ahead and the growth these boys are going to do. It is just crazy that half a year of their life is over already and the second half is fastly going to pass as well. Trying to take in each moment with them. Thank you all for your prayers over this past week, they were definitely felt and I appreciate it more than you know…think it is what has made work bearable.
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