A guest blog:
I will never forget this day one year ago. I will never forget that sinking feeling when multiple phone calls went unanswered. I will never forget the moment my worst fear was confirmed. It was a literal gut wrenching, bring you to your knees, absolutely horrible feeling. It was his birthday. We were supposed to celebrate later that evening. The next few days brought so much pain. Decisions had to be made, papers signed, and legal matters handled. The hardest was the final goodbye. It was very difficult to let go. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It took all the literal physical and emotional strength I had to walk out of that room. That is a day I want to forget. Three days prior to his death, we had Judah's second birthday party. Had I known it would be the last time I ever spoke to or saw my dad again I would have cherished that moment longer. I would have talked more to him. I would have hugged him a little longer. I would have been less concerned with cleaning my house and more concerned with listening to what he had to say. He had to get home before it rained. He always said he couldn't see to drive in the rain. Losing a parent is hard, especially when it's unexpected. Life changed dramatically one year ago today. I changed dramatically. This has been one of the most tumultuous years of my life. There have been many good times this year but there have also been many dark times. It's part of grief. It's part of healing and dealing with emotions that can't be put into words. I started a new job. I made new friends this year. I deepened some friendships but, unfortunately, I've also lost some friendships. I've turned to God and I've also turned from God. I renewed my passion for missions. I've searched for happiness and anything that would take away the pain. My family has been through it this year in more ways than most people know. The people that have stood beside us through it all will never fully grasp the magnitude of my appreciation. These are the people that have been there from the moment they got the phone call to the present time. They have supported us through the tears, the anger, and the long, hard conversations. You see, grief doesn't immediately disappear after the funeral. It's a process that takes much longer and I believe everyone deals with it differently and in different stages. Some people deal with it faster than others and some don't deal with it at all. The funeral is still a state of shock and a disconnection with reality. It's making small talk with people you haven't seen in a while that come to pay their respects. People ask how you're doing and you give the standard "ok" reply. People tell you that you are being so strong like it's a complement. Being "strong" is only a temporary state that occurs in order to avoid dealing with emotions. Eventually everything will come at you like a freight train. It's actually the weeks and months after the funeral that are the hardest as reality sets in. It's adjusting to your new life without your loved one and also accepting the change that occurs within yourself. Most people avoid the subject with the grieved. They think bringing it up will cause negative emotions. Pretending it never happened is the worst anyone can do to help someone through grief. Ask someone weeks and months down the road how they are doing. Check up on them because I guarantee they are still hurting. Talking about it is part of the healing but the grieved doesn't want to feel like they are being Debbie Downers by mentioning the subject to friends and family. One of the most prominent lessons I've learned from my dad's death is to love and love hard, even if that means rejection and disappointment are in the future. In his own way, he loved us with everything he had. Loving others is a central Biblical theme and one Jesus speaks about often. It's often said but there is a blatant truth in "life is short." It's too short to hold grudges and too short to hate one another. People are the way they are for a reason. Get to know people and you will realize their life's events have shaped the core of who they are. People are hurting and people want to be loved. We were created to love and be loved. Some are more readily accepting than others but that doesn't mean give up on them. I believe loving someone consists of accepting them through the good times and the bad. It means that you are willing to accept them regardless of how screwed up they may or may not be. It means you will be there for them during the tough, vulnerable times of their life. I'm so thankful I've had people stick with me this year. While this has been a tough year I try to look forward and hang on to the memories of my dad. Even a year later there are times I start to pick up the phone to call him. There are so many things I want to tell him. He would love to know he was getting another grandchild. He loved his grandchildren so much. He would be so proud of Xander playing baseball and doing well in school. He would laugh at the endless adventures Judah finds. Harper's precious dancing and singing performances would make him smile big time. He would be proud of Carim making huge improvements in school. He also never hesitated to tell me how proud he was of Matt, Jenna, John, and myself. While there are many things I doubt in life, one constant truth remains that he loved me very much. Even at 32 I was still his baby girl. I miss him every day. I tell stories of him to my boys so they won't forget him. I tell them how much he loved them. Though they didn't have him long, he will always be their Grandad. I'm thankful for the 32 years I had with him. I'm thankful for everything he taught me. I'm thankful he loved Matt and I so much. I'm thankful he was my Dad. If my life wasn't changed by his death then I wasn't affected by his life. He was the best Dad I could have wanted. I will always love him. He is my Dad.
I will never forget this day one year ago. I will never forget that sinking feeling when multiple phone calls went unanswered. I will never forget the moment my worst fear was confirmed. It was a literal gut wrenching, bring you to your knees, absolutely horrible feeling. It was his birthday. We were supposed to celebrate later that evening. The next few days brought so much pain. Decisions had to be made, papers signed, and legal matters handled. The hardest was the final goodbye. It was very difficult to let go. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It took all the literal physical and emotional strength I had to walk out of that room. That is a day I want to forget. Three days prior to his death, we had Judah's second birthday party. Had I known it would be the last time I ever spoke to or saw my dad again I would have cherished that moment longer. I would have talked more to him. I would have hugged him a little longer. I would have been less concerned with cleaning my house and more concerned with listening to what he had to say. He had to get home before it rained. He always said he couldn't see to drive in the rain. Losing a parent is hard, especially when it's unexpected. Life changed dramatically one year ago today. I changed dramatically. This has been one of the most tumultuous years of my life. There have been many good times this year but there have also been many dark times. It's part of grief. It's part of healing and dealing with emotions that can't be put into words. I started a new job. I made new friends this year. I deepened some friendships but, unfortunately, I've also lost some friendships. I've turned to God and I've also turned from God. I renewed my passion for missions. I've searched for happiness and anything that would take away the pain. My family has been through it this year in more ways than most people know. The people that have stood beside us through it all will never fully grasp the magnitude of my appreciation. These are the people that have been there from the moment they got the phone call to the present time. They have supported us through the tears, the anger, and the long, hard conversations. You see, grief doesn't immediately disappear after the funeral. It's a process that takes much longer and I believe everyone deals with it differently and in different stages. Some people deal with it faster than others and some don't deal with it at all. The funeral is still a state of shock and a disconnection with reality. It's making small talk with people you haven't seen in a while that come to pay their respects. People ask how you're doing and you give the standard "ok" reply. People tell you that you are being so strong like it's a complement. Being "strong" is only a temporary state that occurs in order to avoid dealing with emotions. Eventually everything will come at you like a freight train. It's actually the weeks and months after the funeral that are the hardest as reality sets in. It's adjusting to your new life without your loved one and also accepting the change that occurs within yourself. Most people avoid the subject with the grieved. They think bringing it up will cause negative emotions. Pretending it never happened is the worst anyone can do to help someone through grief. Ask someone weeks and months down the road how they are doing. Check up on them because I guarantee they are still hurting. Talking about it is part of the healing but the grieved doesn't want to feel like they are being Debbie Downers by mentioning the subject to friends and family. One of the most prominent lessons I've learned from my dad's death is to love and love hard, even if that means rejection and disappointment are in the future. In his own way, he loved us with everything he had. Loving others is a central Biblical theme and one Jesus speaks about often. It's often said but there is a blatant truth in "life is short." It's too short to hold grudges and too short to hate one another. People are the way they are for a reason. Get to know people and you will realize their life's events have shaped the core of who they are. People are hurting and people want to be loved. We were created to love and be loved. Some are more readily accepting than others but that doesn't mean give up on them. I believe loving someone consists of accepting them through the good times and the bad. It means that you are willing to accept them regardless of how screwed up they may or may not be. It means you will be there for them during the tough, vulnerable times of their life. I'm so thankful I've had people stick with me this year. While this has been a tough year I try to look forward and hang on to the memories of my dad. Even a year later there are times I start to pick up the phone to call him. There are so many things I want to tell him. He would love to know he was getting another grandchild. He loved his grandchildren so much. He would be so proud of Xander playing baseball and doing well in school. He would laugh at the endless adventures Judah finds. Harper's precious dancing and singing performances would make him smile big time. He would be proud of Carim making huge improvements in school. He also never hesitated to tell me how proud he was of Matt, Jenna, John, and myself. While there are many things I doubt in life, one constant truth remains that he loved me very much. Even at 32 I was still his baby girl. I miss him every day. I tell stories of him to my boys so they won't forget him. I tell them how much he loved them. Though they didn't have him long, he will always be their Grandad. I'm thankful for the 32 years I had with him. I'm thankful for everything he taught me. I'm thankful he loved Matt and I so much. I'm thankful he was my Dad. If my life wasn't changed by his death then I wasn't affected by his life. He was the best Dad I could have wanted. I will always love him. He is my Dad.
