My "Timehop" told me that a year ago today I blogged on being "three days away from implantation." I can't believe it. A year ago, I was three days from the biggest change of my life. It doesn't seem that long ago! And, to even imagine one year later that I would have not one, but two beautiful, miracle boys!
Wow, this has gone by fast! That is all I can say! These boys are growing quickly, especially over the past month! They are continuing to be quite the social babies. They love people (like their Momma) and are full of smiles and cooes. Over the past month, they have acknowledged each other. It is quite humorous. They stare each other down, laugh at each other, and have started "talking" to each other. The exersaucers are their new toy that they love to play in. They love looking at themselves in the mirror and smile and reach for that "other baby." Ayden is obsessed with himself in the mirror in his exersaucer. He will just stare and reach and talk forever. They are great traveling babies and as long as we are moving in the car, don't mind the car seat too much. It is nice because I have gotten to travel with Alan with them (though we are stuck in a hotel room it is nice being together as a family). We, also, got to experience two Thanksgivings with family with them. They loved all the attention and weren't put down for a minute both days. They even got to taste a little "mashed potato" for the first time….let's just say Zach is a huge fan and Ayden is not. I think we might have a picky eater.
They had their 5 month check up on Friday and they have gained 2 pounds a piece in two weeks! These boys love to eat, though they are still in the 25-50% for weight. Ayden is up to 14 lbs 11 oz and Zach is 16 lbs 7 oz. Yes, this is past triple their birth weights. Their doctor even had a moment telling them apart. They got four shots a piece and it is so funny watching how they take them. Ayden screams in pain and is over it. Zachary is so different. He is so sensitive and his feelings were definitely hurt with the shots, so his tears lasted. Every time someone new entered the room or passed by on our way out, that bottom lip came out and he began crying again. He wants all the sympathy he can get. Ayden is definitely easier to console!
After praying over Zachary and so many people praying for him, plus us working with him, he is holding his head up so well and standing when we put his feet on surfaces. This just "clicked" this past week and we are so excited. The neurologist and physical therapist wanted the boys to be evaluated for home therapy for early intervention for disabilities. Well, we had that screening yesterday. Both were evaluated and I had a calm about me. If it was last week you asked me, I would tell you that I was a nervous wreck because of Zach. I have always had a "feeling" there was something wrong. Well, prayer works miracles. Zach actually passed the screening better than Ayden (humor of God I tell you)! So, they both are on track developmentally and physically (for their corrected age) how they are supposed to without any concerns. It makes me so excited and praising God!
We, also, more importantly, dedicated the babies to raising them in a godly home this past Sunday. Alan and I both don't take this lightly. Having each of our parents there and my sister-in-law and her family (and my sister via internet), and Alan's cousin (and best friend) and his family there plus close friends meant a lot to us. Them being there just signified how they are supporting us and our children in growing a relationship with God and praying for them. It is an amazing thing to have this support.
It is a busy month ahead as we prepare for Christmas and my return to work. We are excited to spend the time with family and each other and cherish each moment we have. We look forward to continue watching these boys grow (which is bittersweet as I put away now over three totes of clothes they've grown out of). We wish you the Merriest of Christmas seasons and keeping Jesus first and enjoy family.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Unjustly Judged
The bringing of a baby into this world is pretty simple in the ideas of many people. You want to get pregnant, you try, get pregnant the first try. Your pregnancy is AMAZING, you love it and eat healthy or whatever your cravings desire at that moment. In coming up with a birth plan, you are going natural (who needs drugs anyway) and the delivery goes so smoothly. You instantly bond with your baby and she/he latches immediately to breast feed (because you know, that is the best and only option). You are so blessed because you stay in the hospital for 23 hours (as insurance allows) and you return home with your baby to be a stay at home mom and live a wonderful life. Oh, and your baby weight just drops off. Then, there is the other way of life.
In my experience, thus far, it has been almost ridiculous the looks and judging eyes I have received over certain things. Let me expand:
1. Natural vs Assisted - We couldn't get pregnant naturally. We tried for a year. When we went in to see what was going on, IVF was presented to us as our only option of having a biological child. A lot of people were supportive, and I am so grateful for that, but then there are those that weren't. AND, when telling people I was pregnant with twins, or even now when people ask if I have twins that run in my family (which please, does that really matter???) and I say, we had IVF, I still get disappointing looks. (I know that was the longest run on sentence, sorry English people!) I don't need you to feel sorry for me. I don't need you to judge me. This is how we have been able to be blessed to have our family. So, why judge how I get pregnant. That is not fair to me or any other woman struggling in the same way. There is enough emotion in seeing a "NOT PREGNANT" on that stick month by month that sends a depression through us, why add to that in making us feel guilty of our natural desire to have a biological child?
2. Natural vs Epidural vs C-section? What does it matter??? Why do women judge each other on how we decide to bring our babies into the world? I have friends who have birthed completely naturally and all I can say is, "More power to you." I went through 11 hours of labor with the twins without medication (not because I wanted to) and it was miserable. So, if that is your cup of tea, then you are superwoman. BUT, you are ALSO superwoman getting an epidural and birthing. Or heaven forbid something could be dangerously wrong or the baby be too big or breach or some other situation where a c-section is needed. Let me tell you, WE ARE SUPERWOMEN too! That was a major question when I was pregnant, "Are you going to try to go natural or have a c-section?" I almost felt like it was a "cop out" in me replying a c-section was most likely because of Ayden being breach. Why must I feel like I was less of a woman for my decision? It actually saved his life that I decided a c-section prior to the birth because of the complications we had in getting him out anyway!
3. Breast feeding vs. Formula - We all know what the doctor preaches. I'm in medicine, I know what is best. But women ask, "Are you going to breastfeed?" And heaven forbid you say you are using formula. It's like you are on a short walk to hell! It isn't easy to breastfeed, number 1. And some babies just don't want to latch or are even allergic. I was blessed enough to be able to give the boys some breastmilk for the first 11 weeks of their lives, but it was never enough to completely feed them. I remember walking into the NICU with my little supply while other moms brought in coolers full. I felt like not good enough of a mom or a failure, and why must I feel that way? I mean, yes, some was my own thought process and doing, but still. There is a judgmental overtone to moms who formula feed. I am sorry for ever doing that before I went through the process. If your baby is getting its nutrition, then that is all that is important. When it wasn't working for me, I had every person giving me "advice" on what I needed to do. I was on every supplement, tried every old wives' tale, etc and still, couldn't produce enough. Please don't judge other women because of their decisions on this, we all have our reasonings.
4. Staying at Home vs Going Back to work - Can I just say that if one more person gives me the judgmental, sappy eyes on this when I say I have to return to work, I might lose it (and this is probably my hormones driving that.). I cry about it almost every time I think about it, but I have to. Do you think most women would return to work (and especially as quick as we have to due to federal rules) if we didn't have to? It is such a blessing to stay at home and be able to be a full-time mom. I have loved the past almost 5 months of it and am blessed I can stay home for the first 6 months of their lives. BUT, we are not all able to do that. Why must women judge women on this matter? I am allowed to do both, we are allowed to follow both dreams. I dreamed when I was younger of being a stay at home mom and life circumstances don't allow that. It's not my dream, but it is reality. I'm sorry that my reality is not what you think is acceptable.
5. Baby weight - oh the joys of baby weight. I have friends who give birth and look like they did pre-pregnancy within a few days (I secretly envy them). I am not one of those people (nor have I ever been one to easily lose weight). Now, when the twins were born I lost 35 pounds before even leaving the hospital, but things shift. I think that it should be illegal for famous people to show their bodies 6 weeks later looking "tiny wasted" and perfect. It is such a discouragement for us all. I thought I would be in a lot better shape then I am in, but my focus hasn't been on losing weight, it has been my children, like it should be. I mean, I barely have time to shower every day much less get in a workout and eating is usually an afterthought! So, women, don't get discouraged when at 6 weeks postpartum you haven't bounced back to that bikini body. (And men, too, encourage your wives on how good they look) We don't have nannies, night nurses, trainers, nutritionists, and cooks to keep us looking fresh and allow us the time to spend 4 hours a day 7 days a week working out to get trim and look well-rested. AND, if you haven't had a baby, please don't try to give us dieting advice. I know how to lose weight. I know what works for me and it is just not my top priority right now. Once you have kids, you'll understand it isn't as easy as it is pre-kid. (Not trying to be mean, I promise.)
I'm not trying to be an angry person, and honestly I'm not angry, but why must women judge other women on these things. We are all mothers and more than anything need encouragement. I can't think of what I need more than that. It is what has gotten me through my hardest moments. Not the judgmental glares or statements, but encouragement that the way things happen are okay. I am still a mother no matter how I got here or what I have to do to live. God has blessed me and many of us to be mothers. So, next time you are around a pregnant woman/new mom just love on her. Who cares if she had IVF with a c-section, feeding her baby formula and is returning to work. She still goes through the same emotions each and every other woman goes through. Let's pray for each other and encourage each other. Take the focus off of the "perfect' mentality of how things "should be" and accept each other for the way they are.
In my experience, thus far, it has been almost ridiculous the looks and judging eyes I have received over certain things. Let me expand:
1. Natural vs Assisted - We couldn't get pregnant naturally. We tried for a year. When we went in to see what was going on, IVF was presented to us as our only option of having a biological child. A lot of people were supportive, and I am so grateful for that, but then there are those that weren't. AND, when telling people I was pregnant with twins, or even now when people ask if I have twins that run in my family (which please, does that really matter???) and I say, we had IVF, I still get disappointing looks. (I know that was the longest run on sentence, sorry English people!) I don't need you to feel sorry for me. I don't need you to judge me. This is how we have been able to be blessed to have our family. So, why judge how I get pregnant. That is not fair to me or any other woman struggling in the same way. There is enough emotion in seeing a "NOT PREGNANT" on that stick month by month that sends a depression through us, why add to that in making us feel guilty of our natural desire to have a biological child?
2. Natural vs Epidural vs C-section? What does it matter??? Why do women judge each other on how we decide to bring our babies into the world? I have friends who have birthed completely naturally and all I can say is, "More power to you." I went through 11 hours of labor with the twins without medication (not because I wanted to) and it was miserable. So, if that is your cup of tea, then you are superwoman. BUT, you are ALSO superwoman getting an epidural and birthing. Or heaven forbid something could be dangerously wrong or the baby be too big or breach or some other situation where a c-section is needed. Let me tell you, WE ARE SUPERWOMEN too! That was a major question when I was pregnant, "Are you going to try to go natural or have a c-section?" I almost felt like it was a "cop out" in me replying a c-section was most likely because of Ayden being breach. Why must I feel like I was less of a woman for my decision? It actually saved his life that I decided a c-section prior to the birth because of the complications we had in getting him out anyway!
3. Breast feeding vs. Formula - We all know what the doctor preaches. I'm in medicine, I know what is best. But women ask, "Are you going to breastfeed?" And heaven forbid you say you are using formula. It's like you are on a short walk to hell! It isn't easy to breastfeed, number 1. And some babies just don't want to latch or are even allergic. I was blessed enough to be able to give the boys some breastmilk for the first 11 weeks of their lives, but it was never enough to completely feed them. I remember walking into the NICU with my little supply while other moms brought in coolers full. I felt like not good enough of a mom or a failure, and why must I feel that way? I mean, yes, some was my own thought process and doing, but still. There is a judgmental overtone to moms who formula feed. I am sorry for ever doing that before I went through the process. If your baby is getting its nutrition, then that is all that is important. When it wasn't working for me, I had every person giving me "advice" on what I needed to do. I was on every supplement, tried every old wives' tale, etc and still, couldn't produce enough. Please don't judge other women because of their decisions on this, we all have our reasonings.
4. Staying at Home vs Going Back to work - Can I just say that if one more person gives me the judgmental, sappy eyes on this when I say I have to return to work, I might lose it (and this is probably my hormones driving that.). I cry about it almost every time I think about it, but I have to. Do you think most women would return to work (and especially as quick as we have to due to federal rules) if we didn't have to? It is such a blessing to stay at home and be able to be a full-time mom. I have loved the past almost 5 months of it and am blessed I can stay home for the first 6 months of their lives. BUT, we are not all able to do that. Why must women judge women on this matter? I am allowed to do both, we are allowed to follow both dreams. I dreamed when I was younger of being a stay at home mom and life circumstances don't allow that. It's not my dream, but it is reality. I'm sorry that my reality is not what you think is acceptable.
5. Baby weight - oh the joys of baby weight. I have friends who give birth and look like they did pre-pregnancy within a few days (I secretly envy them). I am not one of those people (nor have I ever been one to easily lose weight). Now, when the twins were born I lost 35 pounds before even leaving the hospital, but things shift. I think that it should be illegal for famous people to show their bodies 6 weeks later looking "tiny wasted" and perfect. It is such a discouragement for us all. I thought I would be in a lot better shape then I am in, but my focus hasn't been on losing weight, it has been my children, like it should be. I mean, I barely have time to shower every day much less get in a workout and eating is usually an afterthought! So, women, don't get discouraged when at 6 weeks postpartum you haven't bounced back to that bikini body. (And men, too, encourage your wives on how good they look) We don't have nannies, night nurses, trainers, nutritionists, and cooks to keep us looking fresh and allow us the time to spend 4 hours a day 7 days a week working out to get trim and look well-rested. AND, if you haven't had a baby, please don't try to give us dieting advice. I know how to lose weight. I know what works for me and it is just not my top priority right now. Once you have kids, you'll understand it isn't as easy as it is pre-kid. (Not trying to be mean, I promise.)
I'm not trying to be an angry person, and honestly I'm not angry, but why must women judge other women on these things. We are all mothers and more than anything need encouragement. I can't think of what I need more than that. It is what has gotten me through my hardest moments. Not the judgmental glares or statements, but encouragement that the way things happen are okay. I am still a mother no matter how I got here or what I have to do to live. God has blessed me and many of us to be mothers. So, next time you are around a pregnant woman/new mom just love on her. Who cares if she had IVF with a c-section, feeding her baby formula and is returning to work. She still goes through the same emotions each and every other woman goes through. Let's pray for each other and encourage each other. Take the focus off of the "perfect' mentality of how things "should be" and accept each other for the way they are.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Neurodevelopment Check
Since the boys are "premie" babies and spent a stint in the NICU, the neonatologist and neurologist like to do a neurodevelopment check when the babies are between 4-5 months old. Our pediatrician had told us they had written this to her in their discharge summary and we would receive a letter. So, we received the letter two weeks ago stating our appointment date. I have been the skeptical one even going. It said we would meet with the nurse, nurse practitioner, physical therapist and neurologist. To me, it was just a way to charge my insurance. My babies are amazing, doing things normal four month olds would be doing (or at least a lot of things). So, I went in with an apprehensive attitude.
So, Alan went along with me to the boys appointment this past Friday. Of course it was a morning appointment, which was right during the boys' nap time. This made for lethargic, unhappy babies. The physical therapist came into the room first. She looked at Zachary first. She asked me a lot of questions about if he was doing things and tested him on several things, as well. She was concerned because he wasn't holding his head up like he was supposed to while he went from lying to sitting. Also, he wouldn't stand up for her when he was placed on his feet. She said this was concerning and gave us some exercises to work on with him. She, also, is calling to get in home physical therapy for him. HOWEVER, he did roll over from his tummy to his back for the first time, second time, and third time while lying on the table! (Now he hasn't done it since he has gotten home, but still!). He, also, was good at tracking objects with his eyes.
Ayden was next. He of course showed off - how he can jump when he puts his feet on the table, grabbing things, and way too active. The only thing she said about him was that his muscles are really tight (which is quite funny since his pediatrician and the GI surgeon both say he has a tight butt, as well). We are going to have to do stretches with him daily to loosen his hamstrings.
The nurse practitioner looked at them next and it seems everything she checked out was good. They actually liked her and smiled. Then came in the neonatologist/neurologist. He checked out each boy. He confirmed to us that Zachary had a brain bleed (which I told him we were never informed of this in the hospital and not until my pediatrician informed me which I was unhappy about). He said it had cleared by his discharge. As well as, he may have suffered a seizure in the hospital….another bit of information that was new to me. I got pretty emotional and upset because I had not known these things. He said that Zachary is a little behind which may be because of the bleed or may be because of the fact he is just a little lazy, but either way, we will need a follow up appointment in 3 months and at home therapy. Ayden is doing really well. He is right on track. He will have a follow up appointment, as well.
Oh, and a side note - these boys have GAINED SOME WEIGHT! Zachary is up to 15 lbs 3 oz and Ayden is up to 13 lbs 13 oz. They love their food!
On the way home and since the appointment I have had a hard time. I have worried about Zach since his birth. I can't even count the times I've asked Alan and my mom if they thought something could be wrong with Zach and they just telling me he is lazy. I have prayed and prayed and continue to pray. He is kinda lazy. He loves to sleep and when he plays, well, he just gets tired quicker - I mean have you seen his belly?? He has actually met the cooing and laughing and attention milestones before his brother. But, the jury is still out on anything. So, I have to just keep praying that there are no true residual effects of his brain bleed or possible seizure.
These boys are just precious and absolutely hilarious. They have noticed themselves in the mirror the past few days and get really excited about those babies laughing and talking back to them. They are also loving to see each other (FINALLY!). My time is nearing for me to go back to work and I am struggling with even thinking of it, but enjoying each moment with these boys. They are definitely starting to eat more and interested in what everyone else is eating. It's just so crazy how fast they are growing. I'm just going to keep believing my babies are perfect, because that is how God made him. They are such sweet boys.
So, Alan went along with me to the boys appointment this past Friday. Of course it was a morning appointment, which was right during the boys' nap time. This made for lethargic, unhappy babies. The physical therapist came into the room first. She looked at Zachary first. She asked me a lot of questions about if he was doing things and tested him on several things, as well. She was concerned because he wasn't holding his head up like he was supposed to while he went from lying to sitting. Also, he wouldn't stand up for her when he was placed on his feet. She said this was concerning and gave us some exercises to work on with him. She, also, is calling to get in home physical therapy for him. HOWEVER, he did roll over from his tummy to his back for the first time, second time, and third time while lying on the table! (Now he hasn't done it since he has gotten home, but still!). He, also, was good at tracking objects with his eyes.
Ayden was next. He of course showed off - how he can jump when he puts his feet on the table, grabbing things, and way too active. The only thing she said about him was that his muscles are really tight (which is quite funny since his pediatrician and the GI surgeon both say he has a tight butt, as well). We are going to have to do stretches with him daily to loosen his hamstrings.
The nurse practitioner looked at them next and it seems everything she checked out was good. They actually liked her and smiled. Then came in the neonatologist/neurologist. He checked out each boy. He confirmed to us that Zachary had a brain bleed (which I told him we were never informed of this in the hospital and not until my pediatrician informed me which I was unhappy about). He said it had cleared by his discharge. As well as, he may have suffered a seizure in the hospital….another bit of information that was new to me. I got pretty emotional and upset because I had not known these things. He said that Zachary is a little behind which may be because of the bleed or may be because of the fact he is just a little lazy, but either way, we will need a follow up appointment in 3 months and at home therapy. Ayden is doing really well. He is right on track. He will have a follow up appointment, as well.
Oh, and a side note - these boys have GAINED SOME WEIGHT! Zachary is up to 15 lbs 3 oz and Ayden is up to 13 lbs 13 oz. They love their food!
On the way home and since the appointment I have had a hard time. I have worried about Zach since his birth. I can't even count the times I've asked Alan and my mom if they thought something could be wrong with Zach and they just telling me he is lazy. I have prayed and prayed and continue to pray. He is kinda lazy. He loves to sleep and when he plays, well, he just gets tired quicker - I mean have you seen his belly?? He has actually met the cooing and laughing and attention milestones before his brother. But, the jury is still out on anything. So, I have to just keep praying that there are no true residual effects of his brain bleed or possible seizure.
These boys are just precious and absolutely hilarious. They have noticed themselves in the mirror the past few days and get really excited about those babies laughing and talking back to them. They are also loving to see each other (FINALLY!). My time is nearing for me to go back to work and I am struggling with even thinking of it, but enjoying each moment with these boys. They are definitely starting to eat more and interested in what everyone else is eating. It's just so crazy how fast they are growing. I'm just going to keep believing my babies are perfect, because that is how God made him. They are such sweet boys.
Monday, November 17, 2014
The True Meaning of Holidays
I've mentioned it before, I am quite a sentimental human being. On top of that, I get just as excited when holidays come around as I'm sure any kid (I thank my Daddy for that). We decorate to the ultimate degree (5 or 6 Christmas trees in the house growing up), but, that isn't what I want to especially address today. See, lately, I've heard way too many times that "Holidays are just another day of the year." Or "I'm too busy with work." or "Live too far away." or "We just don't get along to spend holidays together." And honestly, this saddens me more than I can imagine.
First, Holidays. I'm talking Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, the whole shebang are all based on something. Easter isn't just another day, it is the celebration of the rising of our Lord from the tomb. Thanksgiving, celebration of thanks for all of our blessings in this country. Christmas, the birth of our Savior (even though it has been secularized into Santa and other customs, there is a spiritual beginning). Fourth of July, our freedom. And so on, and so on. So, to say they are just another day is, well, negating anything of any belief. And honestly, that is sad that you have to think that way and there is no joy in your life to celebrate something.
Secondly, and really my secondary belief, is that holidays are for families. They are supposed to all get together and just enjoy each other. Now, my family is a prime example of how we are scattered near and far. But, I can tell you that my most treasured memories are those that we drove the 14 hours to South Georgia every year to spend with family at each holiday. Also, it is a time where people need to mature up a little and get over bitterness or grudges. How hard is it to put things behind you for a few hours or a few days to truly be able to enjoy family and make memories? I mean, I am not asking you to be best friends with every single person in your family, but don't act like we are in high school and ignore or not show up because one person made you upset 10 years ago by beating you in a cooking competition or stole a toy soldier from your room when you were 7. That's not what family is about. I wish my family was closer together so we could spend time more frequently together, but it just isn't that way. And our times together are just so sweet and are way too short. It is so great seeing people you don't see all year and double over laughing from memories past. Then it is sad to see those that choose not to be apart of family because of their pre-determined idea of how miserable they will be because so-and-so will be there or they are different than others. It just makes me so sad to see people hurt themselves by not coming to family events. They will not admit to it, but, loneliness is there, I am sure of it. Also, family just isn't blood relatives, but friends too. Including those that have no one close and involve them in your family is only spreading the joy that we should all have….my philosophy has always been the more the merrier! And I have to say the years we have been apart of the "Parson Family Thanksgiving" when we can't make it to our own family events has become a tradition I am going to miss.
Thirdly, food. Now, we all know that I do not lack in eating, nor anyone in my family (sorry folks). But man, that is one reason why I love my family! We have some of the best cooks in the world! And, NO ONE can be unhappy around some good cooking and amazing desserts. Have you ever seen someone eating something good that is mad? Ham, turkey, barbecue, casseroles, pies, cakes, and every side you can ever think of…I don't even attempt diets when holidays are around. If for any reason, put aside your differences and just enjoy a good meal…you may surprise yourself at how much fun you will have.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are fastly approaching as we all know. I am truly excited this year because it is my first year with my own children to enjoy it (though they won't remember one thing about it), but also because it is the first year that we will have both holidays with both sides of our families. I live for this. I love making memories and I am so excited that my children, nephews, and step-kids can have memories that will last for years to come. It's not about gifts (though I love watching the joy on people's faces as they open them), it is about the quality time with those we love and making memories with them. It is soaking in each moment so that one day, because yes, one day, someone will no longer be here to enjoy them with us and we want to remember those moments. It is laughing until tears roll down your cheeks at stories from years past. And it is watching new relationships form as a new generation arises below us.
See, the true meaning of Christmas is celebrating Jesus' birth. God's love for us in sending his Son began a reason in of itself for us to celebrate daily. Each day isn't just "another day" they are all reasons to celebrate. But, in our world, people have set aside days where we can truly relax and commemorate those days. So, this year, I challenge you not to treat holidays as just another day or not attend a family event because someone has upset you, but embrace it all. Let yourself go and enjoy people, the ones who love you and who think you are weird and still want to be around you (whether you believe it or not). Don't let your own insecurities get to you this holiday season. Embrace your family and friends and loved ones. Make memories. It's what it's all about.
And if you need somewhere to spend holidays, know our door is always open :)
First, Holidays. I'm talking Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, the whole shebang are all based on something. Easter isn't just another day, it is the celebration of the rising of our Lord from the tomb. Thanksgiving, celebration of thanks for all of our blessings in this country. Christmas, the birth of our Savior (even though it has been secularized into Santa and other customs, there is a spiritual beginning). Fourth of July, our freedom. And so on, and so on. So, to say they are just another day is, well, negating anything of any belief. And honestly, that is sad that you have to think that way and there is no joy in your life to celebrate something.
Secondly, and really my secondary belief, is that holidays are for families. They are supposed to all get together and just enjoy each other. Now, my family is a prime example of how we are scattered near and far. But, I can tell you that my most treasured memories are those that we drove the 14 hours to South Georgia every year to spend with family at each holiday. Also, it is a time where people need to mature up a little and get over bitterness or grudges. How hard is it to put things behind you for a few hours or a few days to truly be able to enjoy family and make memories? I mean, I am not asking you to be best friends with every single person in your family, but don't act like we are in high school and ignore or not show up because one person made you upset 10 years ago by beating you in a cooking competition or stole a toy soldier from your room when you were 7. That's not what family is about. I wish my family was closer together so we could spend time more frequently together, but it just isn't that way. And our times together are just so sweet and are way too short. It is so great seeing people you don't see all year and double over laughing from memories past. Then it is sad to see those that choose not to be apart of family because of their pre-determined idea of how miserable they will be because so-and-so will be there or they are different than others. It just makes me so sad to see people hurt themselves by not coming to family events. They will not admit to it, but, loneliness is there, I am sure of it. Also, family just isn't blood relatives, but friends too. Including those that have no one close and involve them in your family is only spreading the joy that we should all have….my philosophy has always been the more the merrier! And I have to say the years we have been apart of the "Parson Family Thanksgiving" when we can't make it to our own family events has become a tradition I am going to miss.
Thirdly, food. Now, we all know that I do not lack in eating, nor anyone in my family (sorry folks). But man, that is one reason why I love my family! We have some of the best cooks in the world! And, NO ONE can be unhappy around some good cooking and amazing desserts. Have you ever seen someone eating something good that is mad? Ham, turkey, barbecue, casseroles, pies, cakes, and every side you can ever think of…I don't even attempt diets when holidays are around. If for any reason, put aside your differences and just enjoy a good meal…you may surprise yourself at how much fun you will have.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are fastly approaching as we all know. I am truly excited this year because it is my first year with my own children to enjoy it (though they won't remember one thing about it), but also because it is the first year that we will have both holidays with both sides of our families. I live for this. I love making memories and I am so excited that my children, nephews, and step-kids can have memories that will last for years to come. It's not about gifts (though I love watching the joy on people's faces as they open them), it is about the quality time with those we love and making memories with them. It is soaking in each moment so that one day, because yes, one day, someone will no longer be here to enjoy them with us and we want to remember those moments. It is laughing until tears roll down your cheeks at stories from years past. And it is watching new relationships form as a new generation arises below us.
See, the true meaning of Christmas is celebrating Jesus' birth. God's love for us in sending his Son began a reason in of itself for us to celebrate daily. Each day isn't just "another day" they are all reasons to celebrate. But, in our world, people have set aside days where we can truly relax and commemorate those days. So, this year, I challenge you not to treat holidays as just another day or not attend a family event because someone has upset you, but embrace it all. Let yourself go and enjoy people, the ones who love you and who think you are weird and still want to be around you (whether you believe it or not). Don't let your own insecurities get to you this holiday season. Embrace your family and friends and loved ones. Make memories. It's what it's all about.
And if you need somewhere to spend holidays, know our door is always open :)
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Life With Twins
Life is crazy with twins. I am sure any twin parent can attest. It is all about controlled chaos though. Schedules are my best friend. When we get off our schedule, it is brutal. For all of us. Alan, actually, learned last night why I am so strict on the babies finishing their bottles at night….it isn't fun waking up only a few hours later instead of sleeping through the night. Mornings are our best time. After our first bottle feed between 6-7 AM, the babies go back to sleep until 10-11 AM, which is a wonderful thing. When they wake up, they are the happiest of the day. Cooing and playing and smiles galore. Afternoons are a little chancier. And if you think you have a chance after 4 PM to guess moods, think again!
Going out in public has become a feat in itself, as well. I've only forgotten the pacis once and nipples to the bottles once. They usually are pretty good as long as we are moving. I try to keep them in their carseats in their stroller as much as possible, but when grocery shopping it is easier to put one in the buggy in the carseat and wear the other one in the baby bjorn. And, like all things, we do it all quickly.
It is quite funny going out with the boys. I actually took them when I went to vote the other day. While standing in line the man behind me counted how many times I was asked certain questions. Now let me preface this with I had blue blankets on the boys. He said to me, "You just need to make a sign. Yes, they are twins. No, they are two boys. They are 16 weeks old. No, they are not identical." And, that is pretty much the questions I answer on a repetitive basis. He had counted over 20 times while in line for 45 minutes with people who were standing right beside each other. It, also, is like a moving spectacle. The "aw, twins" we get always make me smile. Someone told me before they were born to be prepared for people always looking at us and saying something. They were right! I don't mind it one bit, it makes me smile, and also laugh at times.
Like I said previously, schedules are our best friend. When we get off this due to sickness or one baby not cooperating, it is ROUGH. When you get to feed them at the same time and put them down to sleep at the same time, so much more can get done in the day! And, I have learned how to do all things QUICKLY in that nap time. Because you never know how long it is going to last. Thankful for advice from friends, we have developed our nighttime routine which has helped get the babies to sleep through the night. And yes, when you have twins, the best thing to do is feed them at the same time. It isn't hard.
But, what I have learned with the life of twins is a dirty house is okay and I can't freak out or fuss if everything isn't in perfect condition. Laundry may go undone, dusting lacking, and vacuuming just a dream. As long as babies are fed, bottles washed, and my children happy, life is good.
I have wonderful boys. They are such good babies and I am beyond blessed with this. They are sweet and love everyone. They love to "talk" to you and think they are hilarious. I couldn't imagine twins any other way. It's so fun to watch their continued personalities come out. Zach is the more sensitive of the two and his feelings are hurt pretty quickly. He also has quite the temper that goes 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. He loves to talk and be verbal. He also loves his sleep. We have had a few 10 hour sleep nights already. Ayden is a little quieter on a daily basis, but when he gets upset, he has a high pitch cry that can pierce anyone's ears! He is a mobile little thing and loves moving his arms and legs all of the time. He continues to love being a social being. They are both snugglers. They are no longer premie looking and Ayden has tripled his birth weight (something he is supposed to do by the age of 1, not 3 months). Zach is one pound from tripling his birthweight. We are eaters! Enjoying my moments with them.
Going out in public has become a feat in itself, as well. I've only forgotten the pacis once and nipples to the bottles once. They usually are pretty good as long as we are moving. I try to keep them in their carseats in their stroller as much as possible, but when grocery shopping it is easier to put one in the buggy in the carseat and wear the other one in the baby bjorn. And, like all things, we do it all quickly.
It is quite funny going out with the boys. I actually took them when I went to vote the other day. While standing in line the man behind me counted how many times I was asked certain questions. Now let me preface this with I had blue blankets on the boys. He said to me, "You just need to make a sign. Yes, they are twins. No, they are two boys. They are 16 weeks old. No, they are not identical." And, that is pretty much the questions I answer on a repetitive basis. He had counted over 20 times while in line for 45 minutes with people who were standing right beside each other. It, also, is like a moving spectacle. The "aw, twins" we get always make me smile. Someone told me before they were born to be prepared for people always looking at us and saying something. They were right! I don't mind it one bit, it makes me smile, and also laugh at times.
Like I said previously, schedules are our best friend. When we get off this due to sickness or one baby not cooperating, it is ROUGH. When you get to feed them at the same time and put them down to sleep at the same time, so much more can get done in the day! And, I have learned how to do all things QUICKLY in that nap time. Because you never know how long it is going to last. Thankful for advice from friends, we have developed our nighttime routine which has helped get the babies to sleep through the night. And yes, when you have twins, the best thing to do is feed them at the same time. It isn't hard.
But, what I have learned with the life of twins is a dirty house is okay and I can't freak out or fuss if everything isn't in perfect condition. Laundry may go undone, dusting lacking, and vacuuming just a dream. As long as babies are fed, bottles washed, and my children happy, life is good.
I have wonderful boys. They are such good babies and I am beyond blessed with this. They are sweet and love everyone. They love to "talk" to you and think they are hilarious. I couldn't imagine twins any other way. It's so fun to watch their continued personalities come out. Zach is the more sensitive of the two and his feelings are hurt pretty quickly. He also has quite the temper that goes 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. He loves to talk and be verbal. He also loves his sleep. We have had a few 10 hour sleep nights already. Ayden is a little quieter on a daily basis, but when he gets upset, he has a high pitch cry that can pierce anyone's ears! He is a mobile little thing and loves moving his arms and legs all of the time. He continues to love being a social being. They are both snugglers. They are no longer premie looking and Ayden has tripled his birth weight (something he is supposed to do by the age of 1, not 3 months). Zach is one pound from tripling his birthweight. We are eaters! Enjoying my moments with them.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Cough and Sneeze Stay Away Please
It is officially the start of RSV season on November 1st. They have moved it back from the month of October, so we had an extra month to actually be able to get out and enjoy the weather. This disease is a very dangerous one in premies. It is the leading cause of pediatric intensive care stays in the hospital during November until February. It isn't dangerous in adults and most of us either suffer from this at some point during the winter months with just cold symptoms or are carriers. Even though our boys don't look like premies anymore, they are still at a higher risk. Just like they are at a higher risk for any type of infection…and sometimes even I forget that because they are such big babies.
So, that being said, for all adults and children alike, if you or your child feel like the sniffles are coming on, or a catch in your throat or are beginning to sneeze or cough - stay away from all little babies. Their mommies will thank you. Though we want you to hold and gawk over our babies, we are not going to be happy with you in the aftermath when we are up all night with babies that can't breathe and sleep and may have to rush them to the emergency room. This is, also, why it is SO important to wash your hands frequently and DEFINITELY wash your hands or use sanitizer before touching or holding a baby. And though we all love those little hands and feet of a baby, please refrain from touching them with yours or their faces because it is just an instant way of germs to get into their mouths and increase their risk of being sick.
One thing I love that the NICU did at Centennial where the boys stayed was give classes for the parents during the week every other week. One of those classes was a RSV class. At the end of the class we were handed out "Stop" signs to put on the carseats that read "Please wash your hands before touching mine." If you have seen us out and about, then you have seen these on their carseats. Thankfully it helps some with people doing just that, but other times it doesn't. So, before you touch any baby, please step back and take a moment to think. Think about how you feel (physically), if you've been around someone sick recently or someone in your home is sick then be extra careful in being around babies, think about if you've washed your hands, and then go ahead, if you are clear in all of those areas, love on the babies.
All of that being said, we have gotten to experience the past 4 days our first sickness in the Swartwood household. The boys have come down with the dreaded GI bug that has been going around. It is so sad to see these little ones dealing with it, though I have to admit they are taking it like champs! So, since we are back in town and at our house, we are sitting in quarantine and riding it out at home. Trying to fill up on some Pedialite and plenty of rest! It just reminds me that I can't go out and do like we used to do (though we have cut back quite a bit) and even though I want to be social in all events, sometimes we just need to stay home.
Lessons we can all learn this time of year to help everyone.
So, that being said, for all adults and children alike, if you or your child feel like the sniffles are coming on, or a catch in your throat or are beginning to sneeze or cough - stay away from all little babies. Their mommies will thank you. Though we want you to hold and gawk over our babies, we are not going to be happy with you in the aftermath when we are up all night with babies that can't breathe and sleep and may have to rush them to the emergency room. This is, also, why it is SO important to wash your hands frequently and DEFINITELY wash your hands or use sanitizer before touching or holding a baby. And though we all love those little hands and feet of a baby, please refrain from touching them with yours or their faces because it is just an instant way of germs to get into their mouths and increase their risk of being sick.
One thing I love that the NICU did at Centennial where the boys stayed was give classes for the parents during the week every other week. One of those classes was a RSV class. At the end of the class we were handed out "Stop" signs to put on the carseats that read "Please wash your hands before touching mine." If you have seen us out and about, then you have seen these on their carseats. Thankfully it helps some with people doing just that, but other times it doesn't. So, before you touch any baby, please step back and take a moment to think. Think about how you feel (physically), if you've been around someone sick recently or someone in your home is sick then be extra careful in being around babies, think about if you've washed your hands, and then go ahead, if you are clear in all of those areas, love on the babies.
All of that being said, we have gotten to experience the past 4 days our first sickness in the Swartwood household. The boys have come down with the dreaded GI bug that has been going around. It is so sad to see these little ones dealing with it, though I have to admit they are taking it like champs! So, since we are back in town and at our house, we are sitting in quarantine and riding it out at home. Trying to fill up on some Pedialite and plenty of rest! It just reminds me that I can't go out and do like we used to do (though we have cut back quite a bit) and even though I want to be social in all events, sometimes we just need to stay home.
Lessons we can all learn this time of year to help everyone.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
12 Weeks Old
It's so weird to think that 12 weeks ago today, these two precious little boys were born into this world. It has gone by way too fast! To think we waited to what seemed like forever to tell everyone the news we were pregnant at 12 weeks, their first twelve weeks of life has flown by way too fast. They are amazing little guys.
Their little personalities continue to come out and shine through. So, for my recollection in years to come, I am going to talk about them :)
Oh my sweet Zachary Barrett. In utero, he was my laid back child. I hardly felt him move and he let me lie on my left side to sleep without pitching a "fit" like his brother. He was always asleep in ultrasounds and was not easily bothered. This trend continued in the NICU. He was the laid back "lazy" boy. Not much startled him and he could finish a bottle without even opening an eye. He slept all of the time and we hardly heard anything out of him. Bring him home, and he blossomed! He found his voice quickly and became quick to let us know when he is hungry, that he doesn't like to be naked, and he definitely doesn't like to be laid on his back! He is my first child to start "cooing" and on a regular basis. He talks to us every day and about so many different things. He is quite the snuggle bug, too. He loves lying on your chest and I believe would be snuggling up to someone 24/7 if it was allowed. He smiles when seeing his Daddy and loves those cuddles. He is such a sweet baby. That being said, my mom says he is like me because he is sweet but has quite the temper. He is QUICK to let us know he isn't happy and learned quickly how to kick his legs, scream, hold his breath, and arch his back in revolt against whatever he doesn't like. He loves his paci and usually goes to bed really easily (hopefully that will continue). No matter how hard we try though, he does not like lying on his back, so he is a belly baby. He is really good at self-soothing, as well.
On to my Ayden Jackson. In utero, he was quite temperamental. He was quick to kick and punch when there was pressure on his "side" of the womb. He was continuously kicking his brother in his head and always on the move. We had to chase him around on ultrasounds. He did not like me to lie on my right side (which was his) and made this known nightly! In the NICU, he continued to be temperamental. He was quick to let all the nurses know when he was wet, hungry, or just needing attention. He is one that loves to be awake and doesn't want to miss a second of life - he continues this today. At home, he loves to lie on his back and watch the butterflies and lights of his play mat. He has yet to vocalize when he is trying to talk to us, but he sure knows how to smile and has started to socially smile. He thinks he is hilarious and in the middle of the night one night after feeding, he began chuckling laughing in his sleep. Alan and I loved it. He has developed a best friend in the fan in our living room and barely looks away from it when he is in the vicinity. His Lolli has determined if he talks to it before her, he is in trouble. He has become quite the laid back child. He will let you lie him down to get something done (as long as it isn't when he is hungry). He isn't as good at self-soothing, but is learning to pretty well and he is not as in-love with his paci as his brother. He loves to cuddle, as well, but would much rather look at you then lie on your chest.
It is just amazing how quickly they grow and develop. We saw a newborn the other day and I noticed how big my boys really are. It is bittersweet! They both are in 0-3 month clothes and quickly growing out of them. They are past double their birth weights and seem to be gaining quickly towards triple. I am trying to slow down the time, but we all know that isn't possible. We are truly blessed by our Savior for these boys. They are such miracles and we are so grateful.
Twelve weeks….it's amazing how much changes in pregnancy and in the first twelve weeks of life. The miracle of God is seen in each of these scenarios. We are looking forward to the next twelve weeks and praying it doesn't go by too quickly but that our boys continue to stay healthy through it all.
Their little personalities continue to come out and shine through. So, for my recollection in years to come, I am going to talk about them :)
Oh my sweet Zachary Barrett. In utero, he was my laid back child. I hardly felt him move and he let me lie on my left side to sleep without pitching a "fit" like his brother. He was always asleep in ultrasounds and was not easily bothered. This trend continued in the NICU. He was the laid back "lazy" boy. Not much startled him and he could finish a bottle without even opening an eye. He slept all of the time and we hardly heard anything out of him. Bring him home, and he blossomed! He found his voice quickly and became quick to let us know when he is hungry, that he doesn't like to be naked, and he definitely doesn't like to be laid on his back! He is my first child to start "cooing" and on a regular basis. He talks to us every day and about so many different things. He is quite the snuggle bug, too. He loves lying on your chest and I believe would be snuggling up to someone 24/7 if it was allowed. He smiles when seeing his Daddy and loves those cuddles. He is such a sweet baby. That being said, my mom says he is like me because he is sweet but has quite the temper. He is QUICK to let us know he isn't happy and learned quickly how to kick his legs, scream, hold his breath, and arch his back in revolt against whatever he doesn't like. He loves his paci and usually goes to bed really easily (hopefully that will continue). No matter how hard we try though, he does not like lying on his back, so he is a belly baby. He is really good at self-soothing, as well.
On to my Ayden Jackson. In utero, he was quite temperamental. He was quick to kick and punch when there was pressure on his "side" of the womb. He was continuously kicking his brother in his head and always on the move. We had to chase him around on ultrasounds. He did not like me to lie on my right side (which was his) and made this known nightly! In the NICU, he continued to be temperamental. He was quick to let all the nurses know when he was wet, hungry, or just needing attention. He is one that loves to be awake and doesn't want to miss a second of life - he continues this today. At home, he loves to lie on his back and watch the butterflies and lights of his play mat. He has yet to vocalize when he is trying to talk to us, but he sure knows how to smile and has started to socially smile. He thinks he is hilarious and in the middle of the night one night after feeding, he began chuckling laughing in his sleep. Alan and I loved it. He has developed a best friend in the fan in our living room and barely looks away from it when he is in the vicinity. His Lolli has determined if he talks to it before her, he is in trouble. He has become quite the laid back child. He will let you lie him down to get something done (as long as it isn't when he is hungry). He isn't as good at self-soothing, but is learning to pretty well and he is not as in-love with his paci as his brother. He loves to cuddle, as well, but would much rather look at you then lie on your chest.
It is just amazing how quickly they grow and develop. We saw a newborn the other day and I noticed how big my boys really are. It is bittersweet! They both are in 0-3 month clothes and quickly growing out of them. They are past double their birth weights and seem to be gaining quickly towards triple. I am trying to slow down the time, but we all know that isn't possible. We are truly blessed by our Savior for these boys. They are such miracles and we are so grateful.
Twelve weeks….it's amazing how much changes in pregnancy and in the first twelve weeks of life. The miracle of God is seen in each of these scenarios. We are looking forward to the next twelve weeks and praying it doesn't go by too quickly but that our boys continue to stay healthy through it all.
Sentimental
As I sit here holding the boys on my chest as they sleep, I decided to write this blog that has been streaming through my head throughout this week. Hopefully I can remember what has been running through it! I'm a sentimental person. Always have been. I would rather spend time with people or have something homemade than any worldly possession. Needless to say, my love language is quality time.
That being said, my heart has been overwhelmed with joy and love when people give up their time to come and visit us and see the boys. It is the biggest gift anyone can give me. This week, my Uncle Billy and Aunt Joy came from south Georgia to meet their great, great nephews. It meant more than they knew. We got to have our "Breeden shower" from the remainder of the family. It was so sweet and overwhelmed me how much our babies are loved by their family. It was a sweet time and I just so enjoyed them sitting here holding our boys. It is so wonderful, too, that they have their Lolli, Pa, and Aunt Tara right here most days to hold them and love on them. For me, this shows true love.
Now, back to my sentimental state…..see, I long for these relationships for my children. That they are so close to their family and value the important things. Not what they get, but the time they get with the people they love. This whole pregnancy/birth has brought our family closer. I am so grateful for the sacrifice of time from mostly, my mother. She has sacrificed her weekly life to sit with me during bed rest and NICU days and helped so much since the babies have gotten home. My father-in-law has sacrificed his time to come watch the boys and give me a nap or minute of solitude since the babies have come home (and not to forget to mention that he is an AMAZING cook!). Alan's sister has been such a blessing, as well, with snuggles of the boys, food, and conversation. These boys have brought us into a relationship that I am cherishing and seeing her and her husband and son cherish these boys and hold them brings a joy to my heart I never knew was possible. And this is only some of the people. I cherish each person holding my children. I cherish the moments of time with family.
Then just the sentiment of holding my boys. I know these will most likely be my only two biological children and I am trying to just breathe in and soak in every moment with them. I just think with every sleepless night or every cry or smile or coo, this will be the only ones I get, enjoy them. I couldn't take enough pictures to document every moment of their lives, and yes, I will be "that mom" who documents it all. I don't want to miss a moment. So, I'm sentimental, and I love it. These children have truly shown me what's important in life - the love of the Lord and family.
That being said, my heart has been overwhelmed with joy and love when people give up their time to come and visit us and see the boys. It is the biggest gift anyone can give me. This week, my Uncle Billy and Aunt Joy came from south Georgia to meet their great, great nephews. It meant more than they knew. We got to have our "Breeden shower" from the remainder of the family. It was so sweet and overwhelmed me how much our babies are loved by their family. It was a sweet time and I just so enjoyed them sitting here holding our boys. It is so wonderful, too, that they have their Lolli, Pa, and Aunt Tara right here most days to hold them and love on them. For me, this shows true love.
Now, back to my sentimental state…..see, I long for these relationships for my children. That they are so close to their family and value the important things. Not what they get, but the time they get with the people they love. This whole pregnancy/birth has brought our family closer. I am so grateful for the sacrifice of time from mostly, my mother. She has sacrificed her weekly life to sit with me during bed rest and NICU days and helped so much since the babies have gotten home. My father-in-law has sacrificed his time to come watch the boys and give me a nap or minute of solitude since the babies have come home (and not to forget to mention that he is an AMAZING cook!). Alan's sister has been such a blessing, as well, with snuggles of the boys, food, and conversation. These boys have brought us into a relationship that I am cherishing and seeing her and her husband and son cherish these boys and hold them brings a joy to my heart I never knew was possible. And this is only some of the people. I cherish each person holding my children. I cherish the moments of time with family.
Then just the sentiment of holding my boys. I know these will most likely be my only two biological children and I am trying to just breathe in and soak in every moment with them. I just think with every sleepless night or every cry or smile or coo, this will be the only ones I get, enjoy them. I couldn't take enough pictures to document every moment of their lives, and yes, I will be "that mom" who documents it all. I don't want to miss a moment. So, I'm sentimental, and I love it. These children have truly shown me what's important in life - the love of the Lord and family.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Growing up
It's so crazy to believe the babies are two months old. It is going WAY too fast! They are growing so big and at the doctor last week weighed in at 10 lbs 5 oz and 9 lbs 4 oz. They are in the 90% or above for their measurements and don't look like little premie babies, anymore. They moved out of newborn diapers and even harder on me, out of newborn clothes! Well, Zachary has 100% anyway. Ayden can still wear some newborn stuff. I didn't think it would effect me, since nothing else has seemed to as of yet. But today, as I separated out newborn clothes that were too small for the both of them and grabbed 0-3 month clothes out of the drawer to reorganize, I shed a tear or two! Time just needs to freeze!
We had to go to the hospital today for blood draws. Both babies are anemic and have been placed on iron fortified formula and iron vitamins, plus I'm supposed to be taking extra iron so they can have extra in my milk, as well. Our first visit a few weeks ago for their blood draws didn't effect me. They cried, I consoled, all was okay. Today, it was so different! The first round wasn't too bad, but I still felt awful as they cried…maybe because it took the lady several minutes to get the blood out of their foot. Then, I got a phone call after we left that Ayden's blood had clotted in the tube and they needed to redraw it. I shed a tear. While holding him as she pricked his foot a second and then a third time, I hurt for my little baby. He screamed and looked up at me helplessly. I promised him ice cream and steak. It broke my heart, and I finally feel like a mother for that.
On a lighter note, we had a first yesterday! We met one of the nurses from the NICU that I have become friends with and her little boy at a park across town. We were having fun playing at the multiple playgrounds. Both babies needed to eat as soon as we got there so I fed them. Shortly after, Zach needed a diaper change for a poop diaper. No biggie, moms change diapers in their laps all the time. So laid him down, changed that diaper, no biggie. Then Ayden had a wet diaper so i just held him up the other way and changed his…oh yes, pretending to be a pro! Well, we continued playing and I smelled a dirty diaper from Zach again. Got back out another diaper, more wipes, plopped him in my lap. Not for the faint of heart…but we had a major blow out. Up his back, stomach and covering his onesie, which before I even saw covered my shorts and legs. I think that was my true entering into motherhood! AND I had just taken out their change of clothes earlier this week because they had grown out of them…so we had naked baby and no change of clothes for me either! Quite a sight! Haha.
These boys are truly a blessing from God and their little personalities continue to just shine through. Surprisingly, Ayden is the bigger eater and is going to let us know when it is time to eat. There is no consoling until a bottle is in his mouth. I think that Zach could probably go longer without eating, but is thankful when his brother wakes him up to let him know it is time to eat! Ayden is still a spit fire and he loves to stay awake many hours during the day and observe everything going on, especially if there are people around! Zachary is not so laid back anymore and has quite a temper. He knows how to truly pitch a temper tantrum, which may mean trouble in the future! He sleeps some more than his brother but is still alert when he is awake. He has occasionally begun cooing. He loves his Daddy more than anything and easily is consoled by him. They don't really have much to do with each other, but sometimes I will catch them holding hands if I lie them down beside each other with tummy time. Which, speaking of, they hold their heads up for long periods of time and have great head control! But, most of the time they are beside each other, arms are just being flung and hitting each other and kicking each other is the activity of choice! They are eating every 4 hours during the day and every 5-6 at night.
We are over the moon in-love and I am enjoying every second of watching them grow. It is a blessing to have this time off work to spend with them. We are blessed.
We had to go to the hospital today for blood draws. Both babies are anemic and have been placed on iron fortified formula and iron vitamins, plus I'm supposed to be taking extra iron so they can have extra in my milk, as well. Our first visit a few weeks ago for their blood draws didn't effect me. They cried, I consoled, all was okay. Today, it was so different! The first round wasn't too bad, but I still felt awful as they cried…maybe because it took the lady several minutes to get the blood out of their foot. Then, I got a phone call after we left that Ayden's blood had clotted in the tube and they needed to redraw it. I shed a tear. While holding him as she pricked his foot a second and then a third time, I hurt for my little baby. He screamed and looked up at me helplessly. I promised him ice cream and steak. It broke my heart, and I finally feel like a mother for that.
On a lighter note, we had a first yesterday! We met one of the nurses from the NICU that I have become friends with and her little boy at a park across town. We were having fun playing at the multiple playgrounds. Both babies needed to eat as soon as we got there so I fed them. Shortly after, Zach needed a diaper change for a poop diaper. No biggie, moms change diapers in their laps all the time. So laid him down, changed that diaper, no biggie. Then Ayden had a wet diaper so i just held him up the other way and changed his…oh yes, pretending to be a pro! Well, we continued playing and I smelled a dirty diaper from Zach again. Got back out another diaper, more wipes, plopped him in my lap. Not for the faint of heart…but we had a major blow out. Up his back, stomach and covering his onesie, which before I even saw covered my shorts and legs. I think that was my true entering into motherhood! AND I had just taken out their change of clothes earlier this week because they had grown out of them…so we had naked baby and no change of clothes for me either! Quite a sight! Haha.
These boys are truly a blessing from God and their little personalities continue to just shine through. Surprisingly, Ayden is the bigger eater and is going to let us know when it is time to eat. There is no consoling until a bottle is in his mouth. I think that Zach could probably go longer without eating, but is thankful when his brother wakes him up to let him know it is time to eat! Ayden is still a spit fire and he loves to stay awake many hours during the day and observe everything going on, especially if there are people around! Zachary is not so laid back anymore and has quite a temper. He knows how to truly pitch a temper tantrum, which may mean trouble in the future! He sleeps some more than his brother but is still alert when he is awake. He has occasionally begun cooing. He loves his Daddy more than anything and easily is consoled by him. They don't really have much to do with each other, but sometimes I will catch them holding hands if I lie them down beside each other with tummy time. Which, speaking of, they hold their heads up for long periods of time and have great head control! But, most of the time they are beside each other, arms are just being flung and hitting each other and kicking each other is the activity of choice! They are eating every 4 hours during the day and every 5-6 at night.
We are over the moon in-love and I am enjoying every second of watching them grow. It is a blessing to have this time off work to spend with them. We are blessed.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Gratefulness
Luke 2:19 - "but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often."
I understand this passage. Finally, I understand the feeling Mary had when she thought these things. I had the pleasure of spending the past week in Dalton with my mom and dad as Alan was out of town for the week for work. It was such an enjoyable week with my parents. I love how they love me and especially my boys. And what else was exciting was the fact I got to be a "normal" mom with having people visit and finally meet my boys!
It has been such a hard part/experience not having people I love and am close to be able to see my babies. That is the exciting part of having babies is getting to show them off! I sat there observing as people came to my parent's house to meet the boys. I just took it all in and my heart was warmed. This is what it is like to be a mom and feel like a mom. I so enjoyed watching people dote over the boys as they held them. And, the boys loved it too! So, thank you to all who came to visit. You warmed my heart!
After talking to my boss and having it behind me about my return to work, my maternity leave has become quite enjoyable. I have truly gotten to focus on bonding with the boys and let the worry of work pass behind me. I have truly felt bonded to the boys and enjoy watching them change each day.
I have also learned over the past week that traveling with babies is not anything like traveling with adults! They were so good in the car to travel to Knoxville, Dalton, and back to Nashville. The only difficult thing was bedtime routine once we were in Dalton…I think they missed their normal bed! But, they are such good babies and enjoyed their Papa and Lollie holding them! (I think a little too much because now that we are home that is all that they want!).
I am truly blessed with these two boys and even more blessed with the friends and church family who have prayed for them. We are overwhelmed with love and we appreciate each and every one of you showing this to us in one way or another. The boys turn two months tomorrow and it is so hard to believe it! Time is running way too fast!
I understand this passage. Finally, I understand the feeling Mary had when she thought these things. I had the pleasure of spending the past week in Dalton with my mom and dad as Alan was out of town for the week for work. It was such an enjoyable week with my parents. I love how they love me and especially my boys. And what else was exciting was the fact I got to be a "normal" mom with having people visit and finally meet my boys!
It has been such a hard part/experience not having people I love and am close to be able to see my babies. That is the exciting part of having babies is getting to show them off! I sat there observing as people came to my parent's house to meet the boys. I just took it all in and my heart was warmed. This is what it is like to be a mom and feel like a mom. I so enjoyed watching people dote over the boys as they held them. And, the boys loved it too! So, thank you to all who came to visit. You warmed my heart!
After talking to my boss and having it behind me about my return to work, my maternity leave has become quite enjoyable. I have truly gotten to focus on bonding with the boys and let the worry of work pass behind me. I have truly felt bonded to the boys and enjoy watching them change each day.
I have also learned over the past week that traveling with babies is not anything like traveling with adults! They were so good in the car to travel to Knoxville, Dalton, and back to Nashville. The only difficult thing was bedtime routine once we were in Dalton…I think they missed their normal bed! But, they are such good babies and enjoyed their Papa and Lollie holding them! (I think a little too much because now that we are home that is all that they want!).
I am truly blessed with these two boys and even more blessed with the friends and church family who have prayed for them. We are overwhelmed with love and we appreciate each and every one of you showing this to us in one way or another. The boys turn two months tomorrow and it is so hard to believe it! Time is running way too fast!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Life At Home
It is hard to believe that the boys will be 8 weeks old tomorrow and we have been home almost 4 weeks! Time has flown by and the NICU almost seems like a distant memory. The boys are doing great and we met their due date with two healthy weight kiddos!
Transition has gone pretty smoothly, though we all have our moments! Like I've said before, the NICU schedule is a blessing because the boys have been on a consistent 3 - 4 hour schedule since being home. There have been some quicker feedings, but I think they were going through a growth spurt! Alan was able to stay home with us for the first two weeks which was wonderful! We really got bonding time in with the boys and got to "gel" as a family. My mom and Alan's dad have been amazing in helping, as well, and have helped while Alan has gone back to work. We couldn't do it without them!
The boys have had biweekly visits with their pediatrician to keep tabs on everything. They have grown like champs! They have gained almost 4 pounds a piece since leaving the hospital (which means they are taken off their specialty high calorie formula twice a day!). This past week, they had blood work to check their iron, which was a little low, so we were put on a regular calorie formula with iron and an extra vitamin. If that is all we have to do, we are happy! But it does mean they have to go back in 3 weeks and get pricked again for labs. I feel like a bad mom because I don't cry or get upset when they have to be pricked.
And on that note….life is definitely different then what I ever imagined being a mom. It kind of scares me. I imagined feeling differently then I do and immediate bonding. I have gone into not feeling like I got to really bond with the babies while in the NICU on an earlier post. I figured once we had them home, the bonding would be immediate. I have to say that that was a hard pill to swallow when they came home and I didn't feel that instant connection. They are my babies, no doubt. And I love them with all that I am. But, something just hasn't felt normal. I cried every day over this. I worried sick over having to return to work without fully bonding and connecting with my children. They are such WONDERFUL babies and yet they still didn't feel like mine. Alan hurt when they hurt, was able to console them with ease, makes bottles and cleaned for them. I told him on multiple occasions how horrible I felt because I did not hurt when they hurt. I cried to my doctor about all of this and we discussed it. She said she expected me to have some difficulties like this especially since all three of us had been through so much, and this made me feel a little better. Then I got to have a discussion with my doctor and he and I agreed I would come back part time in January! Relief and definitely has brought down my level of anxiety and strain to connect quickly with the boys. So, things are getting better and my connection with the babies is getting stronger. It just goes to show you that not everything is cookie cutter and immediate as many expect. I have enjoyed every minute home with these boys and they are such a blessing.
So, back to the boys. They are now weighing a hefty 9 lbs 7 oz and 8 lbs 3 oz for their due date. Just like newborn babies! Ayden is still awake more than Zachary. They both like to stay awake after their morning feeding until lunch, then it is hit or miss after that on when they wake up for a long stretch. Ayden has surprisingly become quite laid back and Zach has become the feisty one! He has learned what a temper tantrum is and likes to throw them! Both boys let us know when they are hungry and it quickly becomes dramatic (eating of their own arms is quite a sad feat!). It is fun to watch their personalities come out.
I am continually learning to be a mom to twins and I am loving it. They are quite messes but have every single person they meet wrapped around their finger. I hate to admit that they are already quite spoiled. We are so blessed and are excited to continue watching them grow.
Transition has gone pretty smoothly, though we all have our moments! Like I've said before, the NICU schedule is a blessing because the boys have been on a consistent 3 - 4 hour schedule since being home. There have been some quicker feedings, but I think they were going through a growth spurt! Alan was able to stay home with us for the first two weeks which was wonderful! We really got bonding time in with the boys and got to "gel" as a family. My mom and Alan's dad have been amazing in helping, as well, and have helped while Alan has gone back to work. We couldn't do it without them!
The boys have had biweekly visits with their pediatrician to keep tabs on everything. They have grown like champs! They have gained almost 4 pounds a piece since leaving the hospital (which means they are taken off their specialty high calorie formula twice a day!). This past week, they had blood work to check their iron, which was a little low, so we were put on a regular calorie formula with iron and an extra vitamin. If that is all we have to do, we are happy! But it does mean they have to go back in 3 weeks and get pricked again for labs. I feel like a bad mom because I don't cry or get upset when they have to be pricked.
And on that note….life is definitely different then what I ever imagined being a mom. It kind of scares me. I imagined feeling differently then I do and immediate bonding. I have gone into not feeling like I got to really bond with the babies while in the NICU on an earlier post. I figured once we had them home, the bonding would be immediate. I have to say that that was a hard pill to swallow when they came home and I didn't feel that instant connection. They are my babies, no doubt. And I love them with all that I am. But, something just hasn't felt normal. I cried every day over this. I worried sick over having to return to work without fully bonding and connecting with my children. They are such WONDERFUL babies and yet they still didn't feel like mine. Alan hurt when they hurt, was able to console them with ease, makes bottles and cleaned for them. I told him on multiple occasions how horrible I felt because I did not hurt when they hurt. I cried to my doctor about all of this and we discussed it. She said she expected me to have some difficulties like this especially since all three of us had been through so much, and this made me feel a little better. Then I got to have a discussion with my doctor and he and I agreed I would come back part time in January! Relief and definitely has brought down my level of anxiety and strain to connect quickly with the boys. So, things are getting better and my connection with the babies is getting stronger. It just goes to show you that not everything is cookie cutter and immediate as many expect. I have enjoyed every minute home with these boys and they are such a blessing.
So, back to the boys. They are now weighing a hefty 9 lbs 7 oz and 8 lbs 3 oz for their due date. Just like newborn babies! Ayden is still awake more than Zachary. They both like to stay awake after their morning feeding until lunch, then it is hit or miss after that on when they wake up for a long stretch. Ayden has surprisingly become quite laid back and Zach has become the feisty one! He has learned what a temper tantrum is and likes to throw them! Both boys let us know when they are hungry and it quickly becomes dramatic (eating of their own arms is quite a sad feat!). It is fun to watch their personalities come out.
I am continually learning to be a mom to twins and I am loving it. They are quite messes but have every single person they meet wrapped around their finger. I hate to admit that they are already quite spoiled. We are so blessed and are excited to continue watching them grow.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Coming Home!
The boys decided to straighten up and not have any more spells after I blogged last. They had "harsh" talking to's from both Alan and me and all of their nurses - I am glad they listen! This, also, meant that they got to come home together, which is rare we were told! God answers prayers. The process of being discharged from our NICU is pretty strict, which I love. The babies had to meet a list of criteria and Alan and I had to watch three films, one including CPR training. Also, part of the discharge process is "rooming in" with the babies. This entails us in a room in the hospital with both babies, a refrigerator, a breast pump, and two rocking chairs for the night. The nurse comes in every few hours to check the babies and make sure we are able to handle it all. I personally think this would be great for every mom who delivers a baby to have to do (but then again I guess most parents have their babies in the rooms when they are born and we hadn't, so never mind).
The day before the boys were discharged they had their circumcisions and because they were somewhat tongue tied, they had frenulotomies, as well. They did so well and are much like their mom in not going to miss a meal, even after being cut on top and bottom! We had a wonderful doctor in the NICU who decided to come back to the unit after her last day, just to discharge our babies. We felt blessed by this. So, we roomed in, everything went smoothly, we were visited by our favorite nurses to say good bye and given our discharge instructions to go home.
Now coming home with a NICU premie is different than coming home with a full term baby. Little did I know how restrictive things would be! I mean, I figured on some of it, but not all. I learned that babies usually gain the majority of their ability to fight infection during the last trimester of pregnancy. Due to our boys lacking in a good portion of this being in utero, it is easier for them to get sick from people. So, that means that there are limitations on people holding them and them being in large groups. (This is awful for me because I want everyone to hold my babies and to show them off to everyone!). We have to wait to go to church and can't go out to Target or Walmart or even grocery stores with the boys. On top of that, everyone who is planning to spend time with them has to be vaccinated against Pertussis, which I knew this already. I just didn't realize how serious it was until some of the nurses were talking about babies who had returned to the PICU with this infection. It was awfully sad. Also, due to RSV, after October 1st, we will be home bound until February (for the most part). Because of their premie state, the RSV infection is easier to get and harder to fight. They will be getting a shot to hopefully help with this once a month from October until February. And of course, hand washing is a must before they are touched or held by everyone!
Those are the starts of our exciting rules over the next few months. It is disheartening to not be able to go show these cuties off, but I want my babies to be healthy and continue to grow strong. So, for that, I will make sacrifices and hopefully you will bear with me as I post probably way too many Facebook pictures!
We were truly blessed in the NICU. I miss seeing the familiar faces of nurses and I never thought I would say that. We made some friends of other NICU babies' parents and that is a blessing, as well. We are very thankful for the things that our nurses did and thankful for the schedule they put these kids on! We have been able to continue the schedule and the boys sleep almost 4 hours at a time at night, which is great for mom and dad! It has been an adjustment to bring them home and we are so glad we got to bring them home together because that made it so much easier. Alan is beyond wonderful and has gotten every bottle ready for the boys. My Momma has been beyond a blessing in serving us and we would not be able to have survived without her (still not able to).
So now it is onto the trek of being a wonderful family of six (though four under this roof). We have truly been blessed by our God in this whole situation and looking back on it, I wouldn't have it any other way. The testimony of God throughout this whole thing has just been rampant and vivid. We thank you for the prayers for the boys and can't wait for a time we can really show them off. Until then, we will just be hanging out at home, getting our snuggles in.
The day before the boys were discharged they had their circumcisions and because they were somewhat tongue tied, they had frenulotomies, as well. They did so well and are much like their mom in not going to miss a meal, even after being cut on top and bottom! We had a wonderful doctor in the NICU who decided to come back to the unit after her last day, just to discharge our babies. We felt blessed by this. So, we roomed in, everything went smoothly, we were visited by our favorite nurses to say good bye and given our discharge instructions to go home.
Now coming home with a NICU premie is different than coming home with a full term baby. Little did I know how restrictive things would be! I mean, I figured on some of it, but not all. I learned that babies usually gain the majority of their ability to fight infection during the last trimester of pregnancy. Due to our boys lacking in a good portion of this being in utero, it is easier for them to get sick from people. So, that means that there are limitations on people holding them and them being in large groups. (This is awful for me because I want everyone to hold my babies and to show them off to everyone!). We have to wait to go to church and can't go out to Target or Walmart or even grocery stores with the boys. On top of that, everyone who is planning to spend time with them has to be vaccinated against Pertussis, which I knew this already. I just didn't realize how serious it was until some of the nurses were talking about babies who had returned to the PICU with this infection. It was awfully sad. Also, due to RSV, after October 1st, we will be home bound until February (for the most part). Because of their premie state, the RSV infection is easier to get and harder to fight. They will be getting a shot to hopefully help with this once a month from October until February. And of course, hand washing is a must before they are touched or held by everyone!
Those are the starts of our exciting rules over the next few months. It is disheartening to not be able to go show these cuties off, but I want my babies to be healthy and continue to grow strong. So, for that, I will make sacrifices and hopefully you will bear with me as I post probably way too many Facebook pictures!
We were truly blessed in the NICU. I miss seeing the familiar faces of nurses and I never thought I would say that. We made some friends of other NICU babies' parents and that is a blessing, as well. We are very thankful for the things that our nurses did and thankful for the schedule they put these kids on! We have been able to continue the schedule and the boys sleep almost 4 hours at a time at night, which is great for mom and dad! It has been an adjustment to bring them home and we are so glad we got to bring them home together because that made it so much easier. Alan is beyond wonderful and has gotten every bottle ready for the boys. My Momma has been beyond a blessing in serving us and we would not be able to have survived without her (still not able to).
So now it is onto the trek of being a wonderful family of six (though four under this roof). We have truly been blessed by our God in this whole situation and looking back on it, I wouldn't have it any other way. The testimony of God throughout this whole thing has just been rampant and vivid. We thank you for the prayers for the boys and can't wait for a time we can really show them off. Until then, we will just be hanging out at home, getting our snuggles in.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
NICU Continued
Yesterday, I cried. I cried when I walked into the NICU. Trying to not let the nurses hear. Thankfully my mom was standing there seeing the tears run down my cheeks and my soft gulps for air and she wrapped her arms around me and let me cry. I wiped the tears away, trying to appear strong. Trying to appear like everything is okay. But it wasn't. See, my boys had been doing so well. We hadn't had any spells (occurrences where both the heart rate and oxygen saturation decline) since July 13 and 14th and all of a sudden, Ayden had 3 within the past 12 hours. This messed up my plan. We were looking at bringing them home in the next week as soon as they got their feeds in and I wasn't worried about spells. But now, we would have to wait, at least 5 days or more, until he quit these spells. And most likely the boys would be coming home at separate times.
Today, I cried again. Alan and I were sitting at lunch during a break between feedings (our lunches seem to be late and our dinners even later). He asked me what we were going to do if we brought one home before the other and asked me my plan for it. I broke, I don't want to think about that. I couldn't answer. Then on our way home, after we found out that Zach had had a spell yesterday, as well, that we weren't informed of, I cried again. My boys will be 4 weeks old, a full month, on Wednesday. The earliest day we could possibly get to think about coming home (if there are no other spells) is Wednesday. And my babies will have spent the first full month of their life in a NICU. Not cuddled and loved on at home. But in a NICU, in an isollette or crib with limited contact from their Mom and Dad and other relatives and friends. They do not know what life is without pokes and prods and wires and beeps of alarms. They have lived in a hospital and I can never get this month of their life back. It's a hard pill to swallow.
A friend of mine sent me an article/letter this NICU mother wrote to her twin boys who spent a lot more time in the NICU than my boys will, hopefully. And it talked about the things she wanted her boys to forget about NICU life, which is what I pray my boys won't remember. It also talked about what she hopes they remember - love, not being alone, strength, privileges. Of course I cried as I read this and hope my boys remember the same. It is very hard to be okay with yourself and acknowledge that your babies will not remember these times. That bonding will happen when they get home and you will be able to have the time to snuggle and spend every waking moment with them. But it is hard as you are going through it to even think that is coming. My children are loved, prayed for, not alone, strong, and privileged. This is what has to get me through.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am just trying to not get my hopes up and not make that light too close. Trying to take in every second I have with my boys in holding them and take in every feature they have and memorize them for when I come home. And until the time we can bring them home, I will ride up to the hospital, hold my babies, feed them, and pray over them. Praying for their strength and that they come home to us soon, healthy and ready.
I will still have my weak moments, but in those, I will be strong in my Lord. Being reminded that God's timing will ensue and that these babies will be home soon. No matter if it is 5 days or 10, together or separate.
Today, I cried again. Alan and I were sitting at lunch during a break between feedings (our lunches seem to be late and our dinners even later). He asked me what we were going to do if we brought one home before the other and asked me my plan for it. I broke, I don't want to think about that. I couldn't answer. Then on our way home, after we found out that Zach had had a spell yesterday, as well, that we weren't informed of, I cried again. My boys will be 4 weeks old, a full month, on Wednesday. The earliest day we could possibly get to think about coming home (if there are no other spells) is Wednesday. And my babies will have spent the first full month of their life in a NICU. Not cuddled and loved on at home. But in a NICU, in an isollette or crib with limited contact from their Mom and Dad and other relatives and friends. They do not know what life is without pokes and prods and wires and beeps of alarms. They have lived in a hospital and I can never get this month of their life back. It's a hard pill to swallow.
A friend of mine sent me an article/letter this NICU mother wrote to her twin boys who spent a lot more time in the NICU than my boys will, hopefully. And it talked about the things she wanted her boys to forget about NICU life, which is what I pray my boys won't remember. It also talked about what she hopes they remember - love, not being alone, strength, privileges. Of course I cried as I read this and hope my boys remember the same. It is very hard to be okay with yourself and acknowledge that your babies will not remember these times. That bonding will happen when they get home and you will be able to have the time to snuggle and spend every waking moment with them. But it is hard as you are going through it to even think that is coming. My children are loved, prayed for, not alone, strong, and privileged. This is what has to get me through.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am just trying to not get my hopes up and not make that light too close. Trying to take in every second I have with my boys in holding them and take in every feature they have and memorize them for when I come home. And until the time we can bring them home, I will ride up to the hospital, hold my babies, feed them, and pray over them. Praying for their strength and that they come home to us soon, healthy and ready.
I will still have my weak moments, but in those, I will be strong in my Lord. Being reminded that God's timing will ensue and that these babies will be home soon. No matter if it is 5 days or 10, together or separate.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Life in the NICU
My plan was to skip the NICU. Make it to 35 weeks gestation and just bring these babies home. It sounded good to me, it was my goal. God had other plans.
Even with my plan, we picked the hospital we were to deliver at based on their NICU. Yes, this was a hospital 30-45 minutes from our home, but we wanted the best care if circumstances presented themselves. I will say up front that we have been beyond blessed with the care and kindness of our NICU staff - doctors, nurse practitioners, nurses, occupational therapist, and speech therapist. They have been personable, understanding, and supportive which we don't think we could find anywhere else. Also, we know we are beyond blessed with how healthy our boys were when they were born, and could be a lot sicker in the NICU.
So our NICU story began -
Both Zachary and Ayden were whisked away to the NICU almost immediately after birth. I got to see them both for approximately one minute a piece. There was no time for "skin to skin" to bond, no time to hold them and truly soak in my babies every features. They had to be stabilized (moreso Zachary), so off they went. Alan followed them. He watched them be cleaned up and weighed. He watched as a more permanent CPAP was placed on their faces and those perfect little babies were then transformed to wires and machinery taking over.
After my procedure was completed, I was wheeled to my room for recovery and told I wouldn't be able to see the babies until at least 4 hours later. I immediately was heartbroken. What happened to this "skin to skin" that they preached was so important within an hour of their birth that would help regulate everything? Alan came back down from the NICU to let me know their lengths and weights. Big boys! For a moment I felt excited they may not be have to stay there long.
I got to go up after about 4 hours, once I was "stable." Being in the medical field, the lines and monitors didn't seem to phase me much, but the fact I couldn't see my babies' faces did. And the fact I couldn't touch my children broke me. Originally, they were hooked up to CPAP for breathing, Ayden had a peripheral IV, both had central lines through their umbilical cord, then leads for EKG and respirations, a probe for their temperature and an O2 Saturation monitor. I was told at that point we could come visit them every three hours to "touch" them and change their diaper. This is hard for a new mom, especially a first time mom who just wanted to have her babies in her arms.
Alan spent a lot of time in the NICU, while I was wheeled back and forth as I was able to in between pumping sessions and my own vitals being taken. Mom and Dad had their watchful eyes, as well. The nurse practitioners were always available to answer questions and seemed to ease our fears. And I was preached at that I needed to take care of myself. I don't understand how any mother can "take care of herself" when her babies are in the NICU. You just live for the moment of being able to stare at your babies through the plastic incubator and watch them breathe. Many hours were spent tearfully praying. And it was really hard to get connected with my babies, to feel as if they were mine.
On Sunday morning, Alan and I woke up and had listened to praise and worship music as we pumped and he was preparing to go upstairs to the NICU. I had my usual morning cry but was feeling like everything was going to be okay and it was a good day. He went upstairs to the NICU as I stayed in my room to get dressed and my vitals taken. When he returned, their were tears in his eyes and I knew something was wrong. He sat down on the bed and began talking to me about Zachary. He had stopped breathing during the night and when he had just gone upstairs, they were bagging him a second time because he stopped breathing, again. He was at that time on his way to CT and many tests were going to be performed. I lost it. This IS my baby and I'm supposed to be there protecting him. Why hadn't the NICU nurses called us during the night or even right then? I was angry, sad, and overwhelmed all at once. Why God? Why? This was probably the hardest day of my life. And we lived moment by moment waiting on test results. We went up to visit the babies and Zachary looked so sad. He screamed and cried as he was hungry and they couldn't feed him. It's a horrible thing to watch your child suffer like that. Then you have the tugging of making sure you spread attention evenly between the babies. Thankfully everything turned out to be within normal limits and he did not have any more episodes. But those moments of fear will forever be etched in my mind. We believe because of prayers by thousands, he was healed with everything normal.
I was actually grateful for the fact I had medical problems going on that kept me in the hospital. That meant I was closer to my babies and could see them easily. I was not looking forward to my discharge. At one week, the babies got off their CPAP and were transferred over to a different NICU which meant they were "healthier." From this point forward, they were considered "feeders and growers." We finally got to hold them once their central line was removed. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I FINALLY got to hold my child. Even though it was only for 15 minutes, my babies were in my arms, separately, but in my arms. It is a moment I still live for every day. To get my babies in my arms. We were still limited on the amount of time we could hold them and how often. Everything is on schedules in the NICU. It is very hard to let someone tell you when you can do something with your child/children. It just doesn't seem right or fair.
When they were 10 days old, I was discharged home. My nurse told me even though I was discharged I could stay in my room all day so that I could visit the babies easier and then go home whenever I wanted that night. She was a blessing. Alan came by after work and we went to see the babies and decided after their 6 o'clock feeding, we would go home. Walking out of that hospital was the hardest thing to do. I'm supposed to be leaving with two babies, two car seats, and happiness. The feelings that were in me were emptiness, sadness, and guilt. Was I neglecting my children by leaving?
Now each day consists of visiting the babies. It is still a feeding schedule of 12, 3, 6, 9, 12, 3, 6, 9 which is when we are able to actually touch them and hold them and feed them. Our time is limited on how long we get to hold them and when. But, we wake up each morning and head to the hospital. If it is a weekday, Alan leaves to go to work after saying good morning to the babies and I stay, usually taking a break from the 3 o'clock feeding and back for Alan to return after work at 6. It is equally as hard to leave each night without my babies. I cry every time I see a new mom leaving with her baby and just yearn for that moment, knowing it is coming. We wait each day for the NP's and doctors to round and hear an update on what the babies will be doing next, hoping it is a step forward to getting them home. Knowing it can't come soon enough.
The life of a NICU parent is not an easy one. We are blessed, like I said, that our children are healthy and only waiting to learn how to eat and breathe and regulate temperature. It is an exhausting life, going from hospital to home, trying to pump like you are instructed to to have food for your children and getting the "rest" that your doctor and family prescribe. Their is no rest for the weary though. Because if someone asked me to sleep or see my babies, I'm going to see my babies each time. There is an internal struggle of what is enough time with your babies. What is neglectful? I can't seem to miss a feeding without feeling horrible about it, yet so many mothers are not in their to see their children at all. You add the hormones onto the sleepless nights and tiring schedules, you can only imagine the emotions and tears filling our house.
But, it isn't all bad. Our babies will have a schedule coming home! Which we, of course, say is a perk. We have wonderful nurses and physicians watching our children to make sure they are healthy and that hopefully nothing will happen when they come home. And we have healthy babies that are growing and getting the care that they need.
I told Alan today, I am just ready for conventional at this point. We didn't have a conventional conception or even pregnancy. I didn't get a conventional baby shower. Their birth wasn't conventional and neither has their hospital stay. So, "normal" moms. Be thankful you get to have a photographer come into your hospital room to take newborn pictures, don't take it for granted. Think about how blessed you are to have your baby beside you in the bed and can hold them at any time and take them home with you. And when you see a NICU mom, give her a special hug and prayer, because we all need it.
Even with my plan, we picked the hospital we were to deliver at based on their NICU. Yes, this was a hospital 30-45 minutes from our home, but we wanted the best care if circumstances presented themselves. I will say up front that we have been beyond blessed with the care and kindness of our NICU staff - doctors, nurse practitioners, nurses, occupational therapist, and speech therapist. They have been personable, understanding, and supportive which we don't think we could find anywhere else. Also, we know we are beyond blessed with how healthy our boys were when they were born, and could be a lot sicker in the NICU.
So our NICU story began -
Both Zachary and Ayden were whisked away to the NICU almost immediately after birth. I got to see them both for approximately one minute a piece. There was no time for "skin to skin" to bond, no time to hold them and truly soak in my babies every features. They had to be stabilized (moreso Zachary), so off they went. Alan followed them. He watched them be cleaned up and weighed. He watched as a more permanent CPAP was placed on their faces and those perfect little babies were then transformed to wires and machinery taking over.
After my procedure was completed, I was wheeled to my room for recovery and told I wouldn't be able to see the babies until at least 4 hours later. I immediately was heartbroken. What happened to this "skin to skin" that they preached was so important within an hour of their birth that would help regulate everything? Alan came back down from the NICU to let me know their lengths and weights. Big boys! For a moment I felt excited they may not be have to stay there long.
I got to go up after about 4 hours, once I was "stable." Being in the medical field, the lines and monitors didn't seem to phase me much, but the fact I couldn't see my babies' faces did. And the fact I couldn't touch my children broke me. Originally, they were hooked up to CPAP for breathing, Ayden had a peripheral IV, both had central lines through their umbilical cord, then leads for EKG and respirations, a probe for their temperature and an O2 Saturation monitor. I was told at that point we could come visit them every three hours to "touch" them and change their diaper. This is hard for a new mom, especially a first time mom who just wanted to have her babies in her arms.
Alan spent a lot of time in the NICU, while I was wheeled back and forth as I was able to in between pumping sessions and my own vitals being taken. Mom and Dad had their watchful eyes, as well. The nurse practitioners were always available to answer questions and seemed to ease our fears. And I was preached at that I needed to take care of myself. I don't understand how any mother can "take care of herself" when her babies are in the NICU. You just live for the moment of being able to stare at your babies through the plastic incubator and watch them breathe. Many hours were spent tearfully praying. And it was really hard to get connected with my babies, to feel as if they were mine.
On Sunday morning, Alan and I woke up and had listened to praise and worship music as we pumped and he was preparing to go upstairs to the NICU. I had my usual morning cry but was feeling like everything was going to be okay and it was a good day. He went upstairs to the NICU as I stayed in my room to get dressed and my vitals taken. When he returned, their were tears in his eyes and I knew something was wrong. He sat down on the bed and began talking to me about Zachary. He had stopped breathing during the night and when he had just gone upstairs, they were bagging him a second time because he stopped breathing, again. He was at that time on his way to CT and many tests were going to be performed. I lost it. This IS my baby and I'm supposed to be there protecting him. Why hadn't the NICU nurses called us during the night or even right then? I was angry, sad, and overwhelmed all at once. Why God? Why? This was probably the hardest day of my life. And we lived moment by moment waiting on test results. We went up to visit the babies and Zachary looked so sad. He screamed and cried as he was hungry and they couldn't feed him. It's a horrible thing to watch your child suffer like that. Then you have the tugging of making sure you spread attention evenly between the babies. Thankfully everything turned out to be within normal limits and he did not have any more episodes. But those moments of fear will forever be etched in my mind. We believe because of prayers by thousands, he was healed with everything normal.
I was actually grateful for the fact I had medical problems going on that kept me in the hospital. That meant I was closer to my babies and could see them easily. I was not looking forward to my discharge. At one week, the babies got off their CPAP and were transferred over to a different NICU which meant they were "healthier." From this point forward, they were considered "feeders and growers." We finally got to hold them once their central line was removed. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I FINALLY got to hold my child. Even though it was only for 15 minutes, my babies were in my arms, separately, but in my arms. It is a moment I still live for every day. To get my babies in my arms. We were still limited on the amount of time we could hold them and how often. Everything is on schedules in the NICU. It is very hard to let someone tell you when you can do something with your child/children. It just doesn't seem right or fair.
When they were 10 days old, I was discharged home. My nurse told me even though I was discharged I could stay in my room all day so that I could visit the babies easier and then go home whenever I wanted that night. She was a blessing. Alan came by after work and we went to see the babies and decided after their 6 o'clock feeding, we would go home. Walking out of that hospital was the hardest thing to do. I'm supposed to be leaving with two babies, two car seats, and happiness. The feelings that were in me were emptiness, sadness, and guilt. Was I neglecting my children by leaving?
Now each day consists of visiting the babies. It is still a feeding schedule of 12, 3, 6, 9, 12, 3, 6, 9 which is when we are able to actually touch them and hold them and feed them. Our time is limited on how long we get to hold them and when. But, we wake up each morning and head to the hospital. If it is a weekday, Alan leaves to go to work after saying good morning to the babies and I stay, usually taking a break from the 3 o'clock feeding and back for Alan to return after work at 6. It is equally as hard to leave each night without my babies. I cry every time I see a new mom leaving with her baby and just yearn for that moment, knowing it is coming. We wait each day for the NP's and doctors to round and hear an update on what the babies will be doing next, hoping it is a step forward to getting them home. Knowing it can't come soon enough.
The life of a NICU parent is not an easy one. We are blessed, like I said, that our children are healthy and only waiting to learn how to eat and breathe and regulate temperature. It is an exhausting life, going from hospital to home, trying to pump like you are instructed to to have food for your children and getting the "rest" that your doctor and family prescribe. Their is no rest for the weary though. Because if someone asked me to sleep or see my babies, I'm going to see my babies each time. There is an internal struggle of what is enough time with your babies. What is neglectful? I can't seem to miss a feeding without feeling horrible about it, yet so many mothers are not in their to see their children at all. You add the hormones onto the sleepless nights and tiring schedules, you can only imagine the emotions and tears filling our house.
But, it isn't all bad. Our babies will have a schedule coming home! Which we, of course, say is a perk. We have wonderful nurses and physicians watching our children to make sure they are healthy and that hopefully nothing will happen when they come home. And we have healthy babies that are growing and getting the care that they need.
I told Alan today, I am just ready for conventional at this point. We didn't have a conventional conception or even pregnancy. I didn't get a conventional baby shower. Their birth wasn't conventional and neither has their hospital stay. So, "normal" moms. Be thankful you get to have a photographer come into your hospital room to take newborn pictures, don't take it for granted. Think about how blessed you are to have your baby beside you in the bed and can hold them at any time and take them home with you. And when you see a NICU mom, give her a special hug and prayer, because we all need it.
Monday, July 21, 2014
The After Story
After Zach and Ayden were born, life got a little interesting to say the least, and not just with the babies. During delivery, I lost over two liters of blood alone. Between that and hormones going crazy, I got the "shakes" really badly...which of course made everyone freak out, though I knew it was not anything major. At that point, they began monitoring my blood levels. Also, after delivery there was a big issue with my uterus not wanting to contract. So, I was given several medications to help with this. It began helping, some, but even into the next day I was borderline with where they wanted my uterus to be contracted and my fluid loss. And to top if all off, my blood pressure decided to shoot through the roof the night the babies were born.
I had decided I was going to breast feed, so we began pumping right away, this actually wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. The only set back was, I had no blood in my system which means not a lot of fluid, so it meant a harder time. By Friday my blood levels had decreased to a pretty low amount, and I was feeling quite crappy so my doctor decided a transfusion was needed. Friday night was spent receiving a transfusion and I was restricted to my room and unable to see the babies.
By Saturday morning, my blood levels were on the rise and my babies were visited. I was rounded on by the physician on call and she decided that my blood pressure was still questionable, so she wanted me to stay another night….I wasn't opposed to that!! By Sunday, my blood pressure had only increased but my blood levels had equaled out to a reasonable level. That morning, Zachary had apnea episodes and was being bagged and then several tests performed, so my emotions were everywhere. The doctor decided I needed to stay again, and I was not opposed. The more nights close to my babies, the better, especially with the day we had. By Monday, my blood pressure had risen even more, I was swollen like crazy, and I began having headaches. I was diagnosed with post-partum pre-eclampsia. At this point, I was started on Magnesium for 24 hours, which meant back to bed rest, catheters, and no food. This also meant that for 24 hours, I would not be able to visit my babies. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to go through, especially after the day before.
I had purposefully forgotten what it was like to be on Magnesium, and I hopefully will purposefully forget, again! By the end of my 24 hours, I told Mom and Alan that I was ready to not be Jesus to people. It was awful. Along with the Magnesium, I was on blood pressure medication, which I ended up being allergic to. My blood pressures had not really gone down any at that point. By Wednesday morning, my doctor decided that I was done with complications. She literally came in and said "IVF, twin pregnancy, gestational diabetes, preterm labor, bed rest, cholestasis, premature rupture of membranes, premie babies with c-section, transfusion, and now postpartum pre-eclampsia. My discharge summary is long enough!" I was started on a new blood pressure medication which seemed to help moreso than the previous. By Thursday, my blood pressure had decreased enough for me to be discharged home. Another hard day. No mom wants to go home without her precious bundles of joy.
Sorry for the long post of my health problems, but its part of my journey. It hasn't been the easiest road. I think the hardest part of my time in the hospital was not having my babies by my bedside, like so many "normal" pregnancies/births have. It wasn't that I got to hold them and feed them and take them home with me. I was told an hour I could see them and I might get to touch them for 2 minutes, but that was it. I wasn't able to hold them when they cried or even just to connect. I wasn't even able to feed them. t cried many times in that hospital bed to Alan because I didn't feel like a "Mom" yet, these babies didn't feel like mine but me visiting someone else's. I didn't know what to do and it made me horribly upset and like a bad person. What kind of mother doesn't feel connected to her children immediately? It has been a big struggle. And the superimposed health problems have not helped with this. But, it is part of my journey and God has a plan and a testimony for it all. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and know He has a plan in this all, like He has had from the beginning.
I'll post about being a NICU mom when I get a chance, for now, I am going to work on my hour of sleep and rest before up to pump! Thank you all for the prayers through all of this.
By Saturday morning, my blood levels were on the rise and my babies were visited. I was rounded on by the physician on call and she decided that my blood pressure was still questionable, so she wanted me to stay another night….I wasn't opposed to that!! By Sunday, my blood pressure had only increased but my blood levels had equaled out to a reasonable level. That morning, Zachary had apnea episodes and was being bagged and then several tests performed, so my emotions were everywhere. The doctor decided I needed to stay again, and I was not opposed. The more nights close to my babies, the better, especially with the day we had. By Monday, my blood pressure had risen even more, I was swollen like crazy, and I began having headaches. I was diagnosed with post-partum pre-eclampsia. At this point, I was started on Magnesium for 24 hours, which meant back to bed rest, catheters, and no food. This also meant that for 24 hours, I would not be able to visit my babies. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to go through, especially after the day before.
I had purposefully forgotten what it was like to be on Magnesium, and I hopefully will purposefully forget, again! By the end of my 24 hours, I told Mom and Alan that I was ready to not be Jesus to people. It was awful. Along with the Magnesium, I was on blood pressure medication, which I ended up being allergic to. My blood pressures had not really gone down any at that point. By Wednesday morning, my doctor decided that I was done with complications. She literally came in and said "IVF, twin pregnancy, gestational diabetes, preterm labor, bed rest, cholestasis, premature rupture of membranes, premie babies with c-section, transfusion, and now postpartum pre-eclampsia. My discharge summary is long enough!" I was started on a new blood pressure medication which seemed to help moreso than the previous. By Thursday, my blood pressure had decreased enough for me to be discharged home. Another hard day. No mom wants to go home without her precious bundles of joy.
Sorry for the long post of my health problems, but its part of my journey. It hasn't been the easiest road. I think the hardest part of my time in the hospital was not having my babies by my bedside, like so many "normal" pregnancies/births have. It wasn't that I got to hold them and feed them and take them home with me. I was told an hour I could see them and I might get to touch them for 2 minutes, but that was it. I wasn't able to hold them when they cried or even just to connect. I wasn't even able to feed them. t cried many times in that hospital bed to Alan because I didn't feel like a "Mom" yet, these babies didn't feel like mine but me visiting someone else's. I didn't know what to do and it made me horribly upset and like a bad person. What kind of mother doesn't feel connected to her children immediately? It has been a big struggle. And the superimposed health problems have not helped with this. But, it is part of my journey and God has a plan and a testimony for it all. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and know He has a plan in this all, like He has had from the beginning.
I'll post about being a NICU mom when I get a chance, for now, I am going to work on my hour of sleep and rest before up to pump! Thank you all for the prayers through all of this.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Our Birth Story
(This may be a little graphic)
After an eventful Monday, we had a rather relaxing Tuesday. Mom and I laid around the house in our normal routine - breakfast, catching up on shows, lunch, nap, reading and crafting and then welcoming Alan home to dinner. It was a relatively uneventful day. No contractions and just feeling big! Alan had work to do from home, so he was set up in the dining room and Mom and I decided to hit the sack right before 11 pm. Went to bed, got up my 4 times in 8 minutes to use the bathroom. The fourth time, I felt a pop and gush. "Okay, what just happened? ALAN!!!! ALAN!!!" He came running and I began crying…."My water broke!" No question, it was definitely like in the movies! He yelled for Mom and I kept crying. This wasn't supposed to be happening right now. I had been good on my bed rest today and they were supposed to "cook" for 2 more weeks!! It was the plan! I wasn't ready. As I sobbed, Alan tried to calm me down in the midst of the franticness of getting everything in the car (thankfully it was all packed in the house). I was terrified.
We called the doctor and headed to the hospital. Within minutes of arriving at the hospital, we were checked and I had dilated in 1 day to 2 cm and 50% effaced. Thankfully I wasn't having consistent contractions at that point, but it was admission for me. By Wednesday morning, I began having contractions. When you have your water break before 34 weeks, they try to keep you undelivered until the 34 week mark, so that was the original plan. They pumped me with fluids just in case I was dehydrated causing contractions, I wasn't allowed even Tylenol so they could monitor my "true pain" of contractions, and I was constrained to bed rest. (I found out I am a pansy and I wouldn't be able to truly handle natural labor (so much respect for those of you that do!)). They finally decided to check me at 10 AM when the fluids seemed to be only making the contractions worse. I was 4 cm and fully effaced, Baby A was deep in my pelvis and his head was ready to be delivered. Just to make sure that was true though because Baby A's head was so so low they couldn't quite get to my cervix, I was checked by 4 separate people…..let's just say that isn't a pleasure! My OB was called, we called Mom and Dad (who had frantically driven through the night to be here), and Alan's dad to let them know we were delivering.
Because Ayden was breach, the plan was for a c-section. We were rushed to the OR (which I was really impressed with that whole process), except we couldn't wait 5 minutes for my parents to get there. Spinal was performed which is so weird feeling, and we got started. Zachary Barrett was born quickly at 10:40 AM and we heard him cry which warmed my heart. He immediately after that had some trouble breathing, though, so they immediately put him on CPAP. He was a whopping 5 lbs 2 oz and 19 inches long, which is great for 32 weeks gestation! Now was my feisty child. His amniotic fluid was a sight to see, I was told, when it was "popped" and the attempt to turn him was made. He decided he didn't want to turn easy and just made it to transverse at first. He kept sticking his little arm out and the doctor had to keep sticking it back in. I don't know how Alan watched all of this, by the way. At about that time, the laborist was called for because an extra set of hands was needed. Ayden decided he wanted to get wedged in between the two placentas. It was quite a frantic time, I prayed and Alan said it seemed like forever before they got a handle on it. Thankfully, he made it out kinda quickly after that and at 10:43 Ayden Jackson was born into this world with his little scream! He weighed in at 4 lbs 5 oz and was 17.5 inches long. He wasn't originally placed on CPAP, but once they were in the NICU, he decided to act up, so they placed him on it as well.
Alan was able to go with them straight to the NICU while I was finished up. When rolled out of the OR, it was amazing at the amount of family and friends waiting on us to deliver. The love abounded! Our little bundles came earlier than expected, but it is definitely a blessing. Thankfully they had no other problems other than breathing and eating, we are truly blessed! Now to live the life of a NICU Mom and Dad. That will be posted on later.
After an eventful Monday, we had a rather relaxing Tuesday. Mom and I laid around the house in our normal routine - breakfast, catching up on shows, lunch, nap, reading and crafting and then welcoming Alan home to dinner. It was a relatively uneventful day. No contractions and just feeling big! Alan had work to do from home, so he was set up in the dining room and Mom and I decided to hit the sack right before 11 pm. Went to bed, got up my 4 times in 8 minutes to use the bathroom. The fourth time, I felt a pop and gush. "Okay, what just happened? ALAN!!!! ALAN!!!" He came running and I began crying…."My water broke!" No question, it was definitely like in the movies! He yelled for Mom and I kept crying. This wasn't supposed to be happening right now. I had been good on my bed rest today and they were supposed to "cook" for 2 more weeks!! It was the plan! I wasn't ready. As I sobbed, Alan tried to calm me down in the midst of the franticness of getting everything in the car (thankfully it was all packed in the house). I was terrified.
We called the doctor and headed to the hospital. Within minutes of arriving at the hospital, we were checked and I had dilated in 1 day to 2 cm and 50% effaced. Thankfully I wasn't having consistent contractions at that point, but it was admission for me. By Wednesday morning, I began having contractions. When you have your water break before 34 weeks, they try to keep you undelivered until the 34 week mark, so that was the original plan. They pumped me with fluids just in case I was dehydrated causing contractions, I wasn't allowed even Tylenol so they could monitor my "true pain" of contractions, and I was constrained to bed rest. (I found out I am a pansy and I wouldn't be able to truly handle natural labor (so much respect for those of you that do!)). They finally decided to check me at 10 AM when the fluids seemed to be only making the contractions worse. I was 4 cm and fully effaced, Baby A was deep in my pelvis and his head was ready to be delivered. Just to make sure that was true though because Baby A's head was so so low they couldn't quite get to my cervix, I was checked by 4 separate people…..let's just say that isn't a pleasure! My OB was called, we called Mom and Dad (who had frantically driven through the night to be here), and Alan's dad to let them know we were delivering.
Because Ayden was breach, the plan was for a c-section. We were rushed to the OR (which I was really impressed with that whole process), except we couldn't wait 5 minutes for my parents to get there. Spinal was performed which is so weird feeling, and we got started. Zachary Barrett was born quickly at 10:40 AM and we heard him cry which warmed my heart. He immediately after that had some trouble breathing, though, so they immediately put him on CPAP. He was a whopping 5 lbs 2 oz and 19 inches long, which is great for 32 weeks gestation! Now was my feisty child. His amniotic fluid was a sight to see, I was told, when it was "popped" and the attempt to turn him was made. He decided he didn't want to turn easy and just made it to transverse at first. He kept sticking his little arm out and the doctor had to keep sticking it back in. I don't know how Alan watched all of this, by the way. At about that time, the laborist was called for because an extra set of hands was needed. Ayden decided he wanted to get wedged in between the two placentas. It was quite a frantic time, I prayed and Alan said it seemed like forever before they got a handle on it. Thankfully, he made it out kinda quickly after that and at 10:43 Ayden Jackson was born into this world with his little scream! He weighed in at 4 lbs 5 oz and was 17.5 inches long. He wasn't originally placed on CPAP, but once they were in the NICU, he decided to act up, so they placed him on it as well.
Alan was able to go with them straight to the NICU while I was finished up. When rolled out of the OR, it was amazing at the amount of family and friends waiting on us to deliver. The love abounded! Our little bundles came earlier than expected, but it is definitely a blessing. Thankfully they had no other problems other than breathing and eating, we are truly blessed! Now to live the life of a NICU Mom and Dad. That will be posted on later.
Monday, July 7, 2014
There Isn't a Dull Moment
Last Thursday, we had an ultrasound for what is called a BPP. It pretty much looks at the amniotic fluid levels, the umbilical cord blood flow, their movement, their heart rates, their "breathing" (practicing breathing since they don't actually breathe), and a few other things. Thankfully, both of them scored an 8 out of 8! We then had a follow up appointment with my OB. Alan had to work, so his dad and Louise took me to my appointments, which I was really excited they were able to see the ultrasounds of the babies! It also meant I went into my OB appointment by myself. She and I had a good discussion on the cholestasis and what this meant going forward, as well as delivery.
Thankfully, my medicine seems to be helping my symptoms of cholestasis, my itching has not been nearly as bad as it once was. Also, I had gained 10 pounds in 10 days, which was crazy to me and I had started swelling. Due to the cholestasis, however, we discussed an earlier delivery. Because of the risk of fetal death/stillborn in later gestation, she says we will deliver prior to 37 weeks, if I have not gone into labor by that point naturally. Of course this risk puts Alan and myself at heightened alert on the movement of the babies. We are journaling their movement. Like I said, we decided their method of delivery, as well, c-section vs. natural delivery. I really appreciate my OB and her honesty with risks and benefits in everything she does. So, I felt that it was a really good visit. A lot of questions were answered. But, after the visit I was a mess and definitely shed tears and was stressing about them being okay. Pregnancy just seems so much harder then what everyone seemed to make it seem before I became pregnant.
Which leads to today, our next of our two a week appointments. We had a NST this morning, which is where they monitor the babies' heartbeats and my contractions. They want the babies to have an "active" strip which means that their heartbeat accelerates a certain amount in a certain time period. Well, my babies decided not to be "active" today and I was having some pretty good contractions. So, the lady who administered the test let me OB know and we were immediately set up for an ultrasound for a BPP and to be examined by my OB. Also, I haven't been feeling the greatest the past few days with nausea and my ribs/stomach killing me (which I figured was Baby B being his stubborn self). Also, I had gained 3 more pounds since Thursday. She checked me, thankfully I have not dilated any further. Baby A is deep in my wonderful pelvis and Baby B is continuing to stay breech with his head in my ribs/liver. She pressed on my stomach and over my liver which wasn't comfortable and also stated I had swollen more. So, she is checking more labs to check for HELLP syndrome.
We then had our ultrasound/BPP. The babies were a little sleepy, but once they were "zapped" a few times, I ate some peanut butter crackers, and FINALLY I had to drink a Coke, Baby A practiced his breathing (just don't tell Alan it was a coke that made his baby behave!). They ended up passing the test right at an hour (which is all that time they have to complete their activities). So, we were sent home on stricter bed rest and waiting on lab results. Needless to say, it has been a highly emotional day, really few days. We are just praying they continue to grow (they are now at 5 lbs and 4 and a half pounds) and develop. All of these uncertainties are just making me fall into God's arms more. I know He has it all in his control, but it is hard to handle at times.
Sorry for the long post, but thank you for your prayers. We will keep you posted!
Thankfully, my medicine seems to be helping my symptoms of cholestasis, my itching has not been nearly as bad as it once was. Also, I had gained 10 pounds in 10 days, which was crazy to me and I had started swelling. Due to the cholestasis, however, we discussed an earlier delivery. Because of the risk of fetal death/stillborn in later gestation, she says we will deliver prior to 37 weeks, if I have not gone into labor by that point naturally. Of course this risk puts Alan and myself at heightened alert on the movement of the babies. We are journaling their movement. Like I said, we decided their method of delivery, as well, c-section vs. natural delivery. I really appreciate my OB and her honesty with risks and benefits in everything she does. So, I felt that it was a really good visit. A lot of questions were answered. But, after the visit I was a mess and definitely shed tears and was stressing about them being okay. Pregnancy just seems so much harder then what everyone seemed to make it seem before I became pregnant.
Which leads to today, our next of our two a week appointments. We had a NST this morning, which is where they monitor the babies' heartbeats and my contractions. They want the babies to have an "active" strip which means that their heartbeat accelerates a certain amount in a certain time period. Well, my babies decided not to be "active" today and I was having some pretty good contractions. So, the lady who administered the test let me OB know and we were immediately set up for an ultrasound for a BPP and to be examined by my OB. Also, I haven't been feeling the greatest the past few days with nausea and my ribs/stomach killing me (which I figured was Baby B being his stubborn self). Also, I had gained 3 more pounds since Thursday. She checked me, thankfully I have not dilated any further. Baby A is deep in my wonderful pelvis and Baby B is continuing to stay breech with his head in my ribs/liver. She pressed on my stomach and over my liver which wasn't comfortable and also stated I had swollen more. So, she is checking more labs to check for HELLP syndrome.
We then had our ultrasound/BPP. The babies were a little sleepy, but once they were "zapped" a few times, I ate some peanut butter crackers, and FINALLY I had to drink a Coke, Baby A practiced his breathing (just don't tell Alan it was a coke that made his baby behave!). They ended up passing the test right at an hour (which is all that time they have to complete their activities). So, we were sent home on stricter bed rest and waiting on lab results. Needless to say, it has been a highly emotional day, really few days. We are just praying they continue to grow (they are now at 5 lbs and 4 and a half pounds) and develop. All of these uncertainties are just making me fall into God's arms more. I know He has it all in his control, but it is hard to handle at times.
Sorry for the long post, but thank you for your prayers. We will keep you posted!
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Itching and Scratching and Itching and Scratching
Well, two weeks ago I began having intense itching of my soles of my feet and palms of my hands, as well as general itching all over. After it disrupted me from sleep for a few nights and having an upcoming appointment, I decided to mention it to my doctor (especially after Mom and Alan had done their research). I had tried benadryl and hydrocortisone cream which hadn't helped, at all. The only thing that seemed to help was cold packs on the bottom of my feet. Weird, I know.
So, like I said, I brought it up to my OB and she ordered some labs to be performed on my liver. So, we have been waiting on the results. My itching hasn't been as bad, but still am itching. Today, I got a call from my doctor herself, which is enough to freak any patient out! And she let me know that my bile acids and liver functions were elevated. This is called obstetrical cholestasis. This means that my bile from my liver/gallbladder is slow or not releasing. This builds up the levels in my blood which causes itching mostly but if it is severe enough you can have jaundice among other symptoms, but most likely just itching. It also can effect the babies. If it is not controlled and gets high enough, it can lead to fetal distress, preterm labor, or babies being stillborn or fetal death. She is now starting me on a medication to help decrease the levels of bile acids. Hopefully that will help not only with the itching, but with the possible complications, as well.
Also, next week I start my "two a weeks" which means I go to the doctor on Mondays and Thursdays for ultrasounds (because I have temperamental babies that don't like to stay on the fetal monitors) and now blood work and a check up. I was going to have to begin these anyway because of the gestational diabetes, but now I have to add in the blood work to keep watch over my liver. As well as, I have to make sure to be conscious to the movement of the babies on a daily basis.
For someone who had this pregnancy "under control" and was not going to take medications to save her life during pregnancy, it has definitely become a 180 of what I expected! I know all is in God's hands and we are just going to lie here and do what we are told. We are just praying for these little boys' safety and making it into this world plump and perfect! So, this is our latest update and we will keep trekking! Thank you, again, for the prayers!
So, like I said, I brought it up to my OB and she ordered some labs to be performed on my liver. So, we have been waiting on the results. My itching hasn't been as bad, but still am itching. Today, I got a call from my doctor herself, which is enough to freak any patient out! And she let me know that my bile acids and liver functions were elevated. This is called obstetrical cholestasis. This means that my bile from my liver/gallbladder is slow or not releasing. This builds up the levels in my blood which causes itching mostly but if it is severe enough you can have jaundice among other symptoms, but most likely just itching. It also can effect the babies. If it is not controlled and gets high enough, it can lead to fetal distress, preterm labor, or babies being stillborn or fetal death. She is now starting me on a medication to help decrease the levels of bile acids. Hopefully that will help not only with the itching, but with the possible complications, as well.
Also, next week I start my "two a weeks" which means I go to the doctor on Mondays and Thursdays for ultrasounds (because I have temperamental babies that don't like to stay on the fetal monitors) and now blood work and a check up. I was going to have to begin these anyway because of the gestational diabetes, but now I have to add in the blood work to keep watch over my liver. As well as, I have to make sure to be conscious to the movement of the babies on a daily basis.
For someone who had this pregnancy "under control" and was not going to take medications to save her life during pregnancy, it has definitely become a 180 of what I expected! I know all is in God's hands and we are just going to lie here and do what we are told. We are just praying for these little boys' safety and making it into this world plump and perfect! So, this is our latest update and we will keep trekking! Thank you, again, for the prayers!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Superwoman has lost her flight
My mentality and personality has been that of Superwoman pretty much my whole adult life. If someone has told me they don't think I can do something or have too much on my plate, it just gives me energy and drive to prove everyone wrong. That has not been any different with my pregnancy life, as well.
When we first found out we were having twins, a lot of people's first reaction was "you are going to have to go on bed rest." I personally found this quite offensive. Why would you think that first off and why do you think I am inadequate to carry these babies full term while doing life? So, I put it in my mind, this was not going to happen and neither was me changing my daily routine. I am a workaholic. My boss told me that I would be out of commission at 5 months pregnant and I strove to prove him wrong, and I did! He gave me every opportunity to rest and put my feet up during my whole pregnancy and because I didn't want to "look like a bum or lazy" I would find other work tasks to complete during my "resting breaks." I managed our home, ran errands, worked, and tried to remain normal as much as possible. Even when I was initially placed on bed rest a few weeks ago, my doctor telling me "if we stop your contractions over the next 2 weeks, you may go back to work" made me strive and be the optimistic, I am going back to work. I even told mom to continue with planning a baby shower. I was dead set that I would be "normal" again and able to travel.
This all being said, "Superwoman" was knocked down. Yes, in the initial bed rest I rested, but it was a struggle to lie there and I spent a lot of time sitting and walking around doing things because I just couldn't give up control. We had a shower with Pepsi on Friday (which was amazing and I was so grateful for) and Saturday was our Labor and Delivery class. Now, I propped my feet up during both of these things, but probably did a lot of walking I shouldn't have. Sunday, I was worn out. I was lying down all day and extra good, but then contractions began to come more regularly. I was having them every 4 minutes and they were lasting longer than my previous contractions. After about 2-3 hours, through every "trick" I could think of, they settled down. On Monday, it was the same. I was "good" as I counted it. Alan went to work, I was at home and only got up to eat, and then around 3 pm, contractions began to be more regular again. This time they were lasting up to 2 minutes and coming every 4 minutes. I text Alan to let him know and that I was calling the doctor. We of course were told to get to the hospital.
What comes next was what I needed. A wake up call. A you aren't Superwoman so get off your high horse and realize this is reality. When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to monitors and confirmed I was in active labor. They then checked me. I had dilated. I had failed at being a protective mother for these babies and I messed up. I freaked out, began crying, and Alan gave me his stern "you can't get upset because it will only make things worse" speech. So needless to say we were admitted and started on Magnesium Sulfate and steroids. This was probably the hardest part to date. Not because of how the medications make you feel, but because I didn't know about the safety of my babies. The reality that they would be premature and who knows what kind of complications would entail. So, we prayed (which we already were doing) and we asked all of you to pray. And peace came.
You see, God has this funny way of working. We think we can do it all. We think we can control and prove and show how strong we are and what WE CAN DO. But the truth of the matter is we can't do any of that. I can't control whether these babies stay in me or not, neither can the doctors but God can. I have learned, again, that I need to rely on Him and His strength to get me through this. After the seriousness of this last event, I know that and I just hate that I was too stubborn and "superwoman" to get it before this. He says "rest in me, my child" and I need to follow through with that. Not, let me see how much I can do on my own and then I will rest.
So now, we are on permanent, strict bed rest until these two little boys make their arrival. And I am at peace with this. I am resting in my Father's arms. He has a plan for these boys and for me. He is allowing me to be okay with other people serving me, something I have never been too good at in the past. He is showing me that being in control isn't what I need, but resting in Him and His sovereignty provides an all consuming rest which is far better than anything else.
So, we rest. Thankfully I have my mom here throughout the week as Alan works and Alan's traveling scheduling has come to a screeching halt and he is here to take care of us, as well. Every time I stand up there is at least one voice asking "Is everything ok?" and I reassure them, it is just a pregnant woman's bladder that needs to be addressed, haha. Prayers have definitely gotten us through this far and continuing. Without prayer, I would not have the peace I have, right now. I would still be worrying over what week these babies would be born. Instead, I am just enjoying them kick and punch each other throughout the night and day from within me. Nothing seems like a rush, just in God's timing, all will be well. Thank you for the prayers and please continue as we walk (or lie) these next weeks, hopefully several, together.
This all being said, "Superwoman" was knocked down. Yes, in the initial bed rest I rested, but it was a struggle to lie there and I spent a lot of time sitting and walking around doing things because I just couldn't give up control. We had a shower with Pepsi on Friday (which was amazing and I was so grateful for) and Saturday was our Labor and Delivery class. Now, I propped my feet up during both of these things, but probably did a lot of walking I shouldn't have. Sunday, I was worn out. I was lying down all day and extra good, but then contractions began to come more regularly. I was having them every 4 minutes and they were lasting longer than my previous contractions. After about 2-3 hours, through every "trick" I could think of, they settled down. On Monday, it was the same. I was "good" as I counted it. Alan went to work, I was at home and only got up to eat, and then around 3 pm, contractions began to be more regular again. This time they were lasting up to 2 minutes and coming every 4 minutes. I text Alan to let him know and that I was calling the doctor. We of course were told to get to the hospital.
What comes next was what I needed. A wake up call. A you aren't Superwoman so get off your high horse and realize this is reality. When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to monitors and confirmed I was in active labor. They then checked me. I had dilated. I had failed at being a protective mother for these babies and I messed up. I freaked out, began crying, and Alan gave me his stern "you can't get upset because it will only make things worse" speech. So needless to say we were admitted and started on Magnesium Sulfate and steroids. This was probably the hardest part to date. Not because of how the medications make you feel, but because I didn't know about the safety of my babies. The reality that they would be premature and who knows what kind of complications would entail. So, we prayed (which we already were doing) and we asked all of you to pray. And peace came.
You see, God has this funny way of working. We think we can do it all. We think we can control and prove and show how strong we are and what WE CAN DO. But the truth of the matter is we can't do any of that. I can't control whether these babies stay in me or not, neither can the doctors but God can. I have learned, again, that I need to rely on Him and His strength to get me through this. After the seriousness of this last event, I know that and I just hate that I was too stubborn and "superwoman" to get it before this. He says "rest in me, my child" and I need to follow through with that. Not, let me see how much I can do on my own and then I will rest.
So now, we are on permanent, strict bed rest until these two little boys make their arrival. And I am at peace with this. I am resting in my Father's arms. He has a plan for these boys and for me. He is allowing me to be okay with other people serving me, something I have never been too good at in the past. He is showing me that being in control isn't what I need, but resting in Him and His sovereignty provides an all consuming rest which is far better than anything else.
So, we rest. Thankfully I have my mom here throughout the week as Alan works and Alan's traveling scheduling has come to a screeching halt and he is here to take care of us, as well. Every time I stand up there is at least one voice asking "Is everything ok?" and I reassure them, it is just a pregnant woman's bladder that needs to be addressed, haha. Prayers have definitely gotten us through this far and continuing. Without prayer, I would not have the peace I have, right now. I would still be worrying over what week these babies would be born. Instead, I am just enjoying them kick and punch each other throughout the night and day from within me. Nothing seems like a rush, just in God's timing, all will be well. Thank you for the prayers and please continue as we walk (or lie) these next weeks, hopefully several, together.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
A Kink In My Plan
Well our rode to babies has hit a bump in my plan, and I realize I am saying "my" instead of God's (because He always has a reason). It was a normal week this past week. Short due to Memorial Day (which actually was spent with a lot of walking and shopping and purchasing of two recliners for our babies) and not too bad at work. Everything was going pretty normal. I had contractions while at work some, but that is nothing out of the ordinary. Alan was home for the week, which always makes my life less stressful! I was just looking forward to my endocrine appointment Friday so that I could get my crazy sugar under control!
Thursday was a clinic day in Kentucky with only a half day scheduled. It was kind of crazy because our computer system was down, but nothing too pressing. I had a few contractions throughout the day, but it was nothing out of the ordinary and just random and short lived. On my way home, I decided to go by hhGregg because we were purchasing a freezer, so I got that over with, went by the grocery store for dinner supplies and headed home. Then it began, I sat down to wait on Alan to get home before I was going to cook. I began having a contraction, then another one, and another one. This was weird, never did I have them at home and never were there any that were consistent. So, I just kinda blew it off. By the time Alan got home an hour later, I was having them pretty consistently and I had started timing them. Every four and a half to five minutes and they were last a minute. I figured it was maybe because I was starving to death, as it was almost 8 o'clock and I hadn't eaten anything since 2. Alan noticed I was wincing a little, and then he got concerned. I rested, drank some water and he cooked dinner. Every time I stood up to go help him, the contractions got stronger. So, he made me call my OB. We were immediately told to go be evaluated at the ED. I told Alan we were going to eat before we left, because we all know that you don't get food at the ED and we would be there forever!
At the emergency department, they took me in, evaluated me for being dehydrated, and began me with fluids. All the monitors were hooked up and the babies looked good. It also confirmed I was contracting every 5 minutes or so consistently. The fluids didn't help, actually started making the contractions worse. So, they gave me Procardia to see if it helped with the contractions, that was a no go. Thankfully, when they checked me I was closed and didn't appear to be dilating. So, they ordered an ultrasound to measure the depth of my cervix. I also received an injection of terbutaline to see if this would slow them down. My cervix depth was good, babies looked good (baby B had actually turned back around to being breech and Baby A is head down on my cervix, both are very feisty). The terbutaline slowed the contractions down minutely, but not for long. The doctor at the ED decided since I wasn't dilating I could go home (at 2 am) and follow up with my OB.
Friday was filled with doctor's appointments. The endocrinologist put me on an oral medication and got me set on a diabetic diet. Then was my OB appointment, where she was on the edge of putting me in the hospital for observation for the weekend or letting me go home on strict bed rest and call if contractions were worse. We agreed we would call and I agreed I would give up being stubborn and do what's best for the babies.
So, we are home on bed rest and only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom. It was kinda nice to be told I couldn't cook or clean :). We were to return to my OB on Monday, but since I had an appointment on Wednesday, already, she said to follow up then. I am on bed rest until then. She, also, started me on Procardia 4 times a day for the reduction of the contractions. We are hoping this completely stops them, but they seem to think I won't stop and will be a "contracting lady" for the rest of my pregnancy. So far, they have calmed down, but are continuing every time I stand up and are not consistently occurring as I am lying down.
I have to remember how blessed I am to make it this far without any complications or bed rest. I made it farther than what other's thought and don't have any indication of labor right now, which makes me happy. I'm just having a hard time coming to grips with possibly being on bed rest for the rest of this pregnancy. I wanted to work as long as I could up to the birth so I could have more time off with the babies once they are born. I don't want them to be early or in the NICU because it scares me more than anything and knowing Alan had that experience with his two first children, I don't want that to be another experience for him. But, I want more than anything these babies to "cook" as long as they can and be healthy, so I accept this bed rest for that reason. Now, I just have to pick out a new hobby!
Please pray for our precious boys as this pregnancy continues. Pray they stay put until at least 34 weeks and that everything goes smoothly. Also, pray that I keep things in perspective and remember that God has a plan far greater than mine!
Thursday was a clinic day in Kentucky with only a half day scheduled. It was kind of crazy because our computer system was down, but nothing too pressing. I had a few contractions throughout the day, but it was nothing out of the ordinary and just random and short lived. On my way home, I decided to go by hhGregg because we were purchasing a freezer, so I got that over with, went by the grocery store for dinner supplies and headed home. Then it began, I sat down to wait on Alan to get home before I was going to cook. I began having a contraction, then another one, and another one. This was weird, never did I have them at home and never were there any that were consistent. So, I just kinda blew it off. By the time Alan got home an hour later, I was having them pretty consistently and I had started timing them. Every four and a half to five minutes and they were last a minute. I figured it was maybe because I was starving to death, as it was almost 8 o'clock and I hadn't eaten anything since 2. Alan noticed I was wincing a little, and then he got concerned. I rested, drank some water and he cooked dinner. Every time I stood up to go help him, the contractions got stronger. So, he made me call my OB. We were immediately told to go be evaluated at the ED. I told Alan we were going to eat before we left, because we all know that you don't get food at the ED and we would be there forever!
At the emergency department, they took me in, evaluated me for being dehydrated, and began me with fluids. All the monitors were hooked up and the babies looked good. It also confirmed I was contracting every 5 minutes or so consistently. The fluids didn't help, actually started making the contractions worse. So, they gave me Procardia to see if it helped with the contractions, that was a no go. Thankfully, when they checked me I was closed and didn't appear to be dilating. So, they ordered an ultrasound to measure the depth of my cervix. I also received an injection of terbutaline to see if this would slow them down. My cervix depth was good, babies looked good (baby B had actually turned back around to being breech and Baby A is head down on my cervix, both are very feisty). The terbutaline slowed the contractions down minutely, but not for long. The doctor at the ED decided since I wasn't dilating I could go home (at 2 am) and follow up with my OB.
Friday was filled with doctor's appointments. The endocrinologist put me on an oral medication and got me set on a diabetic diet. Then was my OB appointment, where she was on the edge of putting me in the hospital for observation for the weekend or letting me go home on strict bed rest and call if contractions were worse. We agreed we would call and I agreed I would give up being stubborn and do what's best for the babies.
So, we are home on bed rest and only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom. It was kinda nice to be told I couldn't cook or clean :). We were to return to my OB on Monday, but since I had an appointment on Wednesday, already, she said to follow up then. I am on bed rest until then. She, also, started me on Procardia 4 times a day for the reduction of the contractions. We are hoping this completely stops them, but they seem to think I won't stop and will be a "contracting lady" for the rest of my pregnancy. So far, they have calmed down, but are continuing every time I stand up and are not consistently occurring as I am lying down.
I have to remember how blessed I am to make it this far without any complications or bed rest. I made it farther than what other's thought and don't have any indication of labor right now, which makes me happy. I'm just having a hard time coming to grips with possibly being on bed rest for the rest of this pregnancy. I wanted to work as long as I could up to the birth so I could have more time off with the babies once they are born. I don't want them to be early or in the NICU because it scares me more than anything and knowing Alan had that experience with his two first children, I don't want that to be another experience for him. But, I want more than anything these babies to "cook" as long as they can and be healthy, so I accept this bed rest for that reason. Now, I just have to pick out a new hobby!
Please pray for our precious boys as this pregnancy continues. Pray they stay put until at least 34 weeks and that everything goes smoothly. Also, pray that I keep things in perspective and remember that God has a plan far greater than mine!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
And That's Where the Cookie Crumbles….
We had our next OB appointment last Friday. We were 24 weeks and 6 days at that time and got to have another ultrasound! Our little men are growing wonderfully at 1 lb 14 oz and 1 lb 11 oz (which is just along the lines of what they should weigh if they were a singleton pregnancy)! All looks well with them and they are both head down at the moment.
We got to ask a lot of questions this visit and got a lot of answers. First, contractions are normal for pregnancy at this point, especially with twins, when you move around too much. So that brought some ease of mind to both of us. We were given the information of when contractions are too much. We also found out that I'm very limited on my travel from this point forward (so it was a great thing we did our baby moon the week before!!). Looks like my traveling ways are halted for awhile now!
Then we discussed upcoming appointments and my previous glucose test. We get to go back in 3 weeks with the usual heart ultrasound and then she said, and it isn't going to be a fun appointment. I was confused for a minute and asked if it was because I would have my group B strep test. "No" she replied, you have to do your next glucose test. I immediately went into tears. I then told her the nurse had told me I wouldn't have to do one again this pregnancy. I guess the nurse was wrong, because I barely passed my last test, she told me. I had the choice of repeating the 3 hour test (which I was trying to keep my tears in when she said I had to) or test my glucose at home by pricking my finger 4 times a day. I picked the latter. I can handle a finger prick a whole lot better than that torture again!!
So, I started checking my glucose at home starting Saturday morning. My fasting blood sugar is supposed to be less than 95 and so far on my fasting numbers, I have read 115, 136, 125, and 115. Needless to say, I am above what I need to be. So, I called her yesterday and let her know I was elevated (thinking it was best to not wait three weeks until my appointment). I am now officially a "Gestational Diabetic." Congratulations, they said, say good bye to sweets and starches and start a diabetic diet. Woohoo! What is crazy is I haven't really eaten sweets my whole pregnancy and maybe french fries and mashed potatoes have become too staple! Then, I was informed that I have to get in with an endocrinologist as soon as possible, because with twins it is even more dangerous to be diabetic.
A sense of sadness has overcome me because I wanted to be healthy and everything perfect this whole pregnancy. I didn't want to have to take medicines (which I have had to for iron, indigestion, and now diabetes). I want my babies to be perfect and not have risks. So, I have my appointment with the endocrinologist next week and get to find out whether I'll be on a pill or insulin injections.
So, please say a prayer for the babies' safety as this pregnancy continues. Pray that my gestational diabetes gets under control quickly and I make it without my cravings! And pray we make it full term!
We got to ask a lot of questions this visit and got a lot of answers. First, contractions are normal for pregnancy at this point, especially with twins, when you move around too much. So that brought some ease of mind to both of us. We were given the information of when contractions are too much. We also found out that I'm very limited on my travel from this point forward (so it was a great thing we did our baby moon the week before!!). Looks like my traveling ways are halted for awhile now!
Then we discussed upcoming appointments and my previous glucose test. We get to go back in 3 weeks with the usual heart ultrasound and then she said, and it isn't going to be a fun appointment. I was confused for a minute and asked if it was because I would have my group B strep test. "No" she replied, you have to do your next glucose test. I immediately went into tears. I then told her the nurse had told me I wouldn't have to do one again this pregnancy. I guess the nurse was wrong, because I barely passed my last test, she told me. I had the choice of repeating the 3 hour test (which I was trying to keep my tears in when she said I had to) or test my glucose at home by pricking my finger 4 times a day. I picked the latter. I can handle a finger prick a whole lot better than that torture again!!
So, I started checking my glucose at home starting Saturday morning. My fasting blood sugar is supposed to be less than 95 and so far on my fasting numbers, I have read 115, 136, 125, and 115. Needless to say, I am above what I need to be. So, I called her yesterday and let her know I was elevated (thinking it was best to not wait three weeks until my appointment). I am now officially a "Gestational Diabetic." Congratulations, they said, say good bye to sweets and starches and start a diabetic diet. Woohoo! What is crazy is I haven't really eaten sweets my whole pregnancy and maybe french fries and mashed potatoes have become too staple! Then, I was informed that I have to get in with an endocrinologist as soon as possible, because with twins it is even more dangerous to be diabetic.
A sense of sadness has overcome me because I wanted to be healthy and everything perfect this whole pregnancy. I didn't want to have to take medicines (which I have had to for iron, indigestion, and now diabetes). I want my babies to be perfect and not have risks. So, I have my appointment with the endocrinologist next week and get to find out whether I'll be on a pill or insulin injections.
So, please say a prayer for the babies' safety as this pregnancy continues. Pray that my gestational diabetes gets under control quickly and I make it without my cravings! And pray we make it full term!
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
My Identity
This last weekend was Mother's Day weekend and I began to reflect on Mother's Day and on this time last year. You see, this time last year, I was in a state of sadness. We had just found out that conception the natural way was not in our cards and we were unsure if even fertility treatments would work. I became a woman without children. A woman who didn't know if she would be able to have children which is what I longed for my whole life.
This time last year, we had told a few friends of the position we were in and man do I have some encouraging friends. They sent blogs of women they knew or didn't know who had gone through the same season, Bible verses to read, and prayed for us. During that time, I received a blog, and I wish I could find it now, but it had to do with Mother's Day for the motherless and how we need to approach this situation.
I had never been sad on Mother's Day, but I also had never been told I might not become a mother naturally. Mother's Day was always celebrating my mom and that sufficed. I never thought of it as my holiday (unless it was my birthday too of course!). But last year changed things. And it changed my view on how we all need to be tender-hearted to women who are childless or who have lost a child. There is a sadness deep within. And I suffered from a "Why God?" and "Why Me?" mentality. It's almost as if Satan knows your longing and wants it to sting a little bit more and for you to build up a bitterness.
So, I have been thinking about this off and on since that day last year. And this whole process has brought me to a deeper understanding and a deeper affection for those who have difficulties getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or just being a mom.
Something I say to all mother's who have not been through this and know someone who is going through the process is this. Be compassionate, be understanding, and please do not try to give advice to us. Don't tell us it will happen and don't promise things only God is in control of, it doesn't make the situation better. Be a supportive listening ear. And let it be okay with your friend/sister for them to have some sadness and share it with you at certain times. It's what we need more than advice.
But to those who are going through this process (which is where this long blog is supposed to start) I have this advice. Where is your identity? Not only did I read a blog last year about this, but our preacher preached on this Sunday during his "Mother's Day" sermon. Where is your identity? Is it in being a mother? Is it in being a wife? Is it in being a friend? Or is it in being in Christ? Those first things are wonderful things to be, but they don't make us who we are and shouldn't define us. Our life in Christ is what should define us! It's such great news and such a wonderful perspective!
Being identified in Christ is how we should live our lives and once we have this mindset, it is amazing what He can accomplish through us. Even in those hard times when we don't understand why. He does. And He has a plan. Our focus needs to be on our relationship with Him and looking to what he has for us in this moment. We are beautiful, amazing creatures no matter if we are a mother or wife or not. Begin thinking of all the things you can do for Him and areas you can serve without having a husband or child to keep you busy. It is amazing at the opportunities! We are all wonderfully made and it doesn't matter what earthly title we hold. It only matters the title we hold with Christ.
So, though it is hard and I know we all have our frustrated, pity-party, sad, depressing days (because believe me I have had quite a few) come back to the question of "Where is your identity?" Because this brings encouragement to me and has throughout this process. God knows our hearts. He knows our desires. He knows what He has for us. We just have to trust in Him and live for Him.
My Identity is not in being a Mother, but in Jesus Christ.
This time last year, we had told a few friends of the position we were in and man do I have some encouraging friends. They sent blogs of women they knew or didn't know who had gone through the same season, Bible verses to read, and prayed for us. During that time, I received a blog, and I wish I could find it now, but it had to do with Mother's Day for the motherless and how we need to approach this situation.
I had never been sad on Mother's Day, but I also had never been told I might not become a mother naturally. Mother's Day was always celebrating my mom and that sufficed. I never thought of it as my holiday (unless it was my birthday too of course!). But last year changed things. And it changed my view on how we all need to be tender-hearted to women who are childless or who have lost a child. There is a sadness deep within. And I suffered from a "Why God?" and "Why Me?" mentality. It's almost as if Satan knows your longing and wants it to sting a little bit more and for you to build up a bitterness.
So, I have been thinking about this off and on since that day last year. And this whole process has brought me to a deeper understanding and a deeper affection for those who have difficulties getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or just being a mom.
Something I say to all mother's who have not been through this and know someone who is going through the process is this. Be compassionate, be understanding, and please do not try to give advice to us. Don't tell us it will happen and don't promise things only God is in control of, it doesn't make the situation better. Be a supportive listening ear. And let it be okay with your friend/sister for them to have some sadness and share it with you at certain times. It's what we need more than advice.
But to those who are going through this process (which is where this long blog is supposed to start) I have this advice. Where is your identity? Not only did I read a blog last year about this, but our preacher preached on this Sunday during his "Mother's Day" sermon. Where is your identity? Is it in being a mother? Is it in being a wife? Is it in being a friend? Or is it in being in Christ? Those first things are wonderful things to be, but they don't make us who we are and shouldn't define us. Our life in Christ is what should define us! It's such great news and such a wonderful perspective!
Being identified in Christ is how we should live our lives and once we have this mindset, it is amazing what He can accomplish through us. Even in those hard times when we don't understand why. He does. And He has a plan. Our focus needs to be on our relationship with Him and looking to what he has for us in this moment. We are beautiful, amazing creatures no matter if we are a mother or wife or not. Begin thinking of all the things you can do for Him and areas you can serve without having a husband or child to keep you busy. It is amazing at the opportunities! We are all wonderfully made and it doesn't matter what earthly title we hold. It only matters the title we hold with Christ.
So, though it is hard and I know we all have our frustrated, pity-party, sad, depressing days (because believe me I have had quite a few) come back to the question of "Where is your identity?" Because this brings encouragement to me and has throughout this process. God knows our hearts. He knows our desires. He knows what He has for us. We just have to trust in Him and live for Him.
My Identity is not in being a Mother, but in Jesus Christ.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Two Years of Bliss and 3 Hours of Torture
So, last week marked Alan's and my 2 year anniversary. To say we are blessed truly by God in our marriage and relationship is an understatement. We had a whirlwind romance (which began from a wonderful friendship) and a very eventful marriage, thus far. We are only where we are today because of the grace of God. He has truly brought us through so much. We know that our faith in Him and His will is what to lean on and not of our own accord, which in my ever controlling personality is hard at times!
We celebrated our anniversary fairly simply, as we had a trip upcoming for some relaxation. Pedicures and pizza was our night and it was perfect.
That Friday I had my three hour glucose tolerance test. In a twin pregnancy, they require you to take your glucose test earlier than a singleton pregnancy. So, at my 20 week mark I took the one hour test and failed it pretty hardcore. Crazy thing is I have not craved or eaten a lot of sugar this whole pregnancy. Yes, I have had my occasional sweet tea or bowl of ice cream, but it's been rare. I was an emotional basket case when they told me I failed it. All this meant at that point was I had to take the three hour test.
The three hour test is different then the one hour. The one hour you eat normal, then go drink this awful (though fruit punch flavored wasn't that bad) sugar drink as fast as you can, wait an hour and get your blood drawn. The three hour test is a different story. You first begin with fasting for 12 hours.....now let's remember that there are two babies in this belly that really like to eat, or maybe that's their mom, but either way, 12 hours is a long time in our book! You then go get your blood drawn (stick #1) and head to get your lovely flavored drink...they only had orange flavored this time which makes me gag in real world drinks, but hey, what can you do?! So we chugged it. That first hour is awful....nausea, ready to vomit, indigestion feeling, headache, and just feeling awful. The babies were definitely on a sugar high though! They were going crazy in my belly which was actually pretty funny. At the hour mark you go get your blood drawn (stick #2), then get to wait another hour. The second hour wasn't so bad. Still a little nausea, but I could actually get comfortable. At the end of that hour, it's back to the lab for more bloodwork (stick #3). Then waiting another hour, which means it's been almost 15 hours since I've eaten and my stomach is growling and babies ain't happy! The last blood draw (stick #4) actually came pretty quickly and we were off.
There was actually a Jamba Juice next to my OB's office which I had been craving all week, so made a pit stop by there and Newk's for some good food.
I felt like I was back at the fertility center with all the sticks, but I think it made it easier. My only concern was they took a vial of blood each time and my hemoglobin and hematocrit have dropped to a significant anemic state in the past few weeks, so didn't want it to get worse.
So, we waited about 5 days for the results (and I think I ate more sugar then than my whole pregnancy so far!). Thankfully, I passed it and won't have to take another test this pregnancy! No gestational diabetes or risk for the babies! A true blessing.
So, for now we are just waiting for our next ultrasound in a week and enjoying these two little guys moving more and more and getting stronger and stronger.
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