So, to be honest, I posted in a delayed fashion my blogs throughout our IVF process. I wrote everything as I was going through it, but waited to publish them. My thought, if it worked and I became pregnant, by the time we got to that part in the story, I would be far enough along to announce I was pregnant and not have to worry about the miscarriage risk and if it didn't work, I would have time to deal with this.
Unfortunately, it didn't work. And honestly, I have needed the time to mourn and work through not being pregnant. Reading through my thoughts on the process as I went has been therapeutic, though sometimes reading it is hard too.
The shock of it not working and dealing with that the first weekend was fair. I actually didn't cry like I thought I would, though trust me I cried. I spent the weekend with Mom, Dad, and Alan and our friends the Carrs at home, so was quite busy and entertained! It wasn't until the next week, it hit. And depression hit. Once you come off all of those hormone injections, your body continues to go crazy and I was an emotional wreck and quite depressed.
Then, the inevitable happened. I was surrounded with people who announced their pregnancy. Sucker punched is probably the closest way to describe this feeling. I felt guilty for being upset that other people were pregnant. And honestly, one of my best friends who announced it did an amazing job of talking to me about it and I am so excited for her. A family member was even kind enough to call me prior to telling the remainder of the family to let me know she was pregnant......but then there was a kicker.....she was exactly how many weeks pregnant I would've been. Her due date the same that mine would have been.....and at that moment I became upset, hurt, confused, angry, struggled with being okay and why would God allow this? Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for her and the baby growing inside of her and her ability to be pregnant naturally.
I fell apart that day. I lay in the bed and sobbed. I couldn't understand, I didn't understand. I screamed at God and asked "Why?" I let it all out and let Him know exactly every raw feeling I was having. And honestly, I truly mourned and let every pent up feeling out that day. I didn't play happy and like I was okay. And just got it out. I needed that. My heart needed it. And honestly, I think it helped. I hadn't grieved through it fully. I was reminded at that time that God does have a plan. He has my perfect plan. And someone very wise told me, "None of my children would be who they are and where they are if they were born one minute, one month, or one year sooner than when they were." And that brought perspective. I don't think I was truly upset about anyone else being pregnant, but needed to get out my stresses and feelings of this not working, my work, and the death of my precious Ford. God didn't make us to keep our emotions inside and suppress them, He wants us to come to Him with them.
The family announcement came and I would lie to say it wasn't difficult. But, I am happy for her. Then, a young girl at work announced she was pregnant, accidentally and unexpectedly. I cried then too, but it was short lived, still stung. I think that it is truly Satan trying to get me to doubt and be bitter towards not being pregnant. But, I pray and I remember, God is in control and HIS PERFECT TIMING is what I am waiting on. It may never happen, but then again it may.
We continue to seek His Will and I will NOT let bitterness into my soul.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
We are.....
Well, today was the BIG day! We went in for our HCG levels to find out if we were pregnant or not. Didn't seem real to me that it was finally here and we became so anxious last night to get the results!
So, I woke up at 4 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Just prayed and tried to fall back asleep. I went to the fertility center and got my blood taken. They let me know that I would probably have the results back around lunch and it would be on our voicemail. The LONGEST four hours! I incessantly kept checking our voicemail box all morning as Alan text me "any messages yet?" Along with it. Finished my morning in clinic and went to the hospital to round on patients. As soon as I got to the hospital, checked the voicemail ehich told us we had a message....so I ran back to my car and drove to Alan's work because we wanted to listen to it together.
So, we sat in the car and called in and listened "Hi Mrs. Swartwood, I am calling about your test results from this morning and I really hate this but I regret to inform you, your test came back negative." STING TO THE HEART.....tears rolling down both our cheeks and I started sobbing.
I honestly feel like I have lost two babies. I saw pictures of our embryos, there was an ultrasound picture, I prayed over them......what did I do wrong? Was I too stressed? Did I lift something I shouldn't have? I obeyed all the rules and have done everything they have told me! What is wrong with me??????
Here's the answer.....it's not in God's timing yet. It's not about anything other than that. Can I be sad, yes. Can I grieve, yes. Can I wonder why, yes. But can I be bitter at God, no. Can I focus only on it didn't work, no. I look ahead at the future and what He has planned for our life.
We still have two embryos that are frozen and we plan to try again. We don't know when but we are going to try again. We are going to pray for God's leading and timing with this. So, we thank you for your prayers thusfar and ask you continue to pray for us.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Not Feeling Pregnant....
I don't know what it feels like to feel pregnant, but we are still awaiting our pregnancy test and a week out from our transfer, and I don't feel any different. At first I felt bloated and crampy, but now it is just back to normal. Don't get me wrong....my ovaries are still hurting, but other than that, well, I am "normal." I know it is all in God's will and His timing and I don't need to be anxious about this. Alan says I over analyze things....it's hard being in my position and not analyzing.
In this process, you become UBER aware of every normal and abnormal feeling of your body. You can feel every organ, every cramp, every weird thing. Being in medicine and knowing a lot about anatomy and processes too, makes it even harder to ignore symptoms. So you analyze. Is that cramping from my ovaries hyperstimulating? uterus contracting? implantation taking place? losing embryos? But the thing is, you can't let these thoughts overpower you.
It has been a hard week this week. Alan and my parents have been on me like crazy to be calm, not stress, and relax, relax, relax. With work, the relaxation point is out. There have been some other situations, as well, that have caused some excess stress on my body. We have just been praying that these haven't effected implantation. And my emotions are crazy, so of course being calm isn't the easiest emotion! We are praying fervently.
They tell you after the transplant that you may spot which is normal during implantation.....I haven't had that.....they said it doesn't always happen, but it scares me it hasn't. My hormone levels drastically dropped between my first and second hormone check since my transplant and that scares me. The thing is, I have to have faith. God knows what is happening. God has a plan. And me worrying and over-analyzing isn't getting me anywhere but more stress and not relying on my Savior.
So, we continue to wait for the pregnancy test.....just a little while longer and we will know. Praying for His will and name to be praised!
In this process, you become UBER aware of every normal and abnormal feeling of your body. You can feel every organ, every cramp, every weird thing. Being in medicine and knowing a lot about anatomy and processes too, makes it even harder to ignore symptoms. So you analyze. Is that cramping from my ovaries hyperstimulating? uterus contracting? implantation taking place? losing embryos? But the thing is, you can't let these thoughts overpower you.
It has been a hard week this week. Alan and my parents have been on me like crazy to be calm, not stress, and relax, relax, relax. With work, the relaxation point is out. There have been some other situations, as well, that have caused some excess stress on my body. We have just been praying that these haven't effected implantation. And my emotions are crazy, so of course being calm isn't the easiest emotion! We are praying fervently.
They tell you after the transplant that you may spot which is normal during implantation.....I haven't had that.....they said it doesn't always happen, but it scares me it hasn't. My hormone levels drastically dropped between my first and second hormone check since my transplant and that scares me. The thing is, I have to have faith. God knows what is happening. God has a plan. And me worrying and over-analyzing isn't getting me anywhere but more stress and not relying on my Savior.
So, we continue to wait for the pregnancy test.....just a little while longer and we will know. Praying for His will and name to be praised!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
The Big Day.....Implantation
So, we have waited almost 6 long weeks to be at this day! It's what all of the medications, injections, blood tests, and ultrasounds have led us to and wow, it's ACTUALLY HERE!!! We woke up extra early, I felt like it was Christmas morning. The instructions were that I couldn't urinate for 2 hours prior to the procedure because I needed a full bladder, so my first priority was to do that as much as I could prior to those two hours.....I have the world's smallest bladder. We prayed over the day before we left and headed to the surgery center at the fertility center. Asking Alan previously if he was going to go back with me if it was an option, he said "no" because he doesn't do too well with watching things and felt he might pass out. Well, he didn't get an option.....his scrubs were ready as soon as we got to our room lying right beside my gown....
So, first thing was the embryologist to come and talk to us about our embryos. We had two ready to transfer and one they were going to freeze that day. 6 more they were watching but were unsure of what they were going to do, so we would find out tomorrow how many we get to freeze total. We were shocked out of 25 eggs and 10 fertilized eggs we had so few embryos. But, our prayer has been we have the perfect amount of embryos we need. At that point I was allowed to take my Valium, since that was my "relaxation" medicine of the day. The doctor came in to talk to us and make sure we were aligned on the transfer amount and then we were to "let the games begin!" The cool thing was that we saw pictures of our embryos that they were implanting. So, we waited for the Valium to take effect.....I'm supposed to be loopy and relaxed......well, I am as my mother calls it "a hard drunk" when it comes to medications. And though I have never taken Valium before and it was a high dose, it didn't even effect me. I wasn't stressing and felt at peace, but definitely not "relaxed" as they wanted me to be. So.....we were off to the OR! Alan in tow....
Once we were in the OR, the embryologist came in with our embryos in an incubator. She told Alan to come over and he got to look through the microscope at them......SO COOL AND SO UNFAIR! It is just no doubt that God is in control of creation and how amazing the forming of life is! He said they had changed a little from the picture. So, we waited for the doctor and I was bladder full.
Dr. Hill came in and got us ready. It was probably the most uncomfortable portion of any of this process so far. Because the muscle relaxer had not effected me and I wasn't loopy, I felt everything. I just clinched Alan's hand and tried not to cry or come off the table. That was just the prepping portion. And an ultrasound pushing down on a full bladder isn't the most fun of sensations! But the procedure itself was very quick and I only felt a pinch, so it wasn't bad. Then bam, the embryologist said the tubing was clear and we were implanted! Alan and I looked at each other in amazement!
We even got an ultrasound picture.....which we only pray is the first of many...
Circled is the placement of the embryos.
So, now we just wait. And Pray. And Pray. And Pray. We will find out by blood tests then confirm with ultrasound a few weeks later. But right now is bed rest....two days of it to be exact. It's kinda nice having Alan and Momma waiting on me! We just pray over these embryos. Each has a 50% chance of implanting and we just hope that one of them does. So, the next news will be letting you know! Until then, I will continue my injections and start on another oral hormone. Until then, we pray.
So, first thing was the embryologist to come and talk to us about our embryos. We had two ready to transfer and one they were going to freeze that day. 6 more they were watching but were unsure of what they were going to do, so we would find out tomorrow how many we get to freeze total. We were shocked out of 25 eggs and 10 fertilized eggs we had so few embryos. But, our prayer has been we have the perfect amount of embryos we need. At that point I was allowed to take my Valium, since that was my "relaxation" medicine of the day. The doctor came in to talk to us and make sure we were aligned on the transfer amount and then we were to "let the games begin!" The cool thing was that we saw pictures of our embryos that they were implanting. So, we waited for the Valium to take effect.....I'm supposed to be loopy and relaxed......well, I am as my mother calls it "a hard drunk" when it comes to medications. And though I have never taken Valium before and it was a high dose, it didn't even effect me. I wasn't stressing and felt at peace, but definitely not "relaxed" as they wanted me to be. So.....we were off to the OR! Alan in tow....
Once we were in the OR, the embryologist came in with our embryos in an incubator. She told Alan to come over and he got to look through the microscope at them......SO COOL AND SO UNFAIR! It is just no doubt that God is in control of creation and how amazing the forming of life is! He said they had changed a little from the picture. So, we waited for the doctor and I was bladder full.
Dr. Hill came in and got us ready. It was probably the most uncomfortable portion of any of this process so far. Because the muscle relaxer had not effected me and I wasn't loopy, I felt everything. I just clinched Alan's hand and tried not to cry or come off the table. That was just the prepping portion. And an ultrasound pushing down on a full bladder isn't the most fun of sensations! But the procedure itself was very quick and I only felt a pinch, so it wasn't bad. Then bam, the embryologist said the tubing was clear and we were implanted! Alan and I looked at each other in amazement!
We even got an ultrasound picture.....which we only pray is the first of many...
So, now we just wait. And Pray. And Pray. And Pray. We will find out by blood tests then confirm with ultrasound a few weeks later. But right now is bed rest....two days of it to be exact. It's kinda nice having Alan and Momma waiting on me! We just pray over these embryos. Each has a 50% chance of implanting and we just hope that one of them does. So, the next news will be letting you know! Until then, I will continue my injections and start on another oral hormone. Until then, we pray.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
So Surreal.....
This whole process has been surreal, but it has become even more surreal over the past few days since our retrieval and the fertilization process. Most people become pregnant the old fashioned way, finding out four or so weeks later they are pregnant....never even thinking about the daily process from fertilization to embryo. IVF participants on the other side know each minute detail of the process. I have learned more about fertility going through this than in PA school! Which hormones are needed for each stage of egg making, maturation, ovulation, and implantation is just the start on what we've learned.
So, we got a call on the day after our egg retrieval to let us know that we had officially 22 eggs retrieved and under half of them fertilized. They were still in the "fertilized egg" period at that time. So, we hurry up and waited for the next phone call. Our lives for those few days consisted of awaiting phone calls. We prayed continuously and anxiously awaited our next news. We both had a peace throughout this waiting period as we prayed God provided us with exactly the number of embryos we need.
I was still cramping up until today, about 2 days after my retrieval, and the anesthesia wasn't the nicest to me (still feeling some of those effects!). Another new thing that started on retrieval day was the start of steroids and antibiotic and a new injection. Thankfully Alan has been home this week and is able to give me this injection! It is in my gluteal region (alternating sides each day) and is for progesterone which is a hormone that helps with the lining of your uterus and keeps the embryo implanted and the placenta forming. If I become pregnant from this process, I have to continue these for approximately 10-12 weeks. Another thing about these injections......they make you SORE!!! So sitting isn't my favorite activity! Haha.
So, today, day 2, we received a second phone call from the lab...."most" of the fertilized eggs had progressed to 2 days embryos....which means 4 cells. We needed this to keep us on our day 5 transfer. Why does that matter you ask? Well, the day 5 embryo tells you a little bit more about the embryo itself. They grade them on an A to F scale and try to only place the ones most likely to be viable back in utero or freeze for future use. Even with "A's" though, we only have a 50% chance that this procedure will result in a pregnancy. So, the message was very vague which I didn't like.....but we knew it was coming.
Each day, we look at our picture/information sheet and think of what process our embryos are supposed to be forming. It is kinda weird (okay not kinda but really) that there are these embryos forming but I'm not pregnant yet, and I have no clue if I will even have a viable pregnancy. And it amazes us even more how God is so awesome and detail oriented that he has how a baby is conceived as miraculous as it is!!!
So, our next news is the morning of our embryo transfer. They will give us how many embryos we have, their grades, and discuss with the doctor how many embryos we will transfer. We are continuing to pray for our embryos, my womb, and our decisions. We want this to work so badly and know God has His perfect plans. So until the next time.....
So, we got a call on the day after our egg retrieval to let us know that we had officially 22 eggs retrieved and under half of them fertilized. They were still in the "fertilized egg" period at that time. So, we hurry up and waited for the next phone call. Our lives for those few days consisted of awaiting phone calls. We prayed continuously and anxiously awaited our next news. We both had a peace throughout this waiting period as we prayed God provided us with exactly the number of embryos we need.
I was still cramping up until today, about 2 days after my retrieval, and the anesthesia wasn't the nicest to me (still feeling some of those effects!). Another new thing that started on retrieval day was the start of steroids and antibiotic and a new injection. Thankfully Alan has been home this week and is able to give me this injection! It is in my gluteal region (alternating sides each day) and is for progesterone which is a hormone that helps with the lining of your uterus and keeps the embryo implanted and the placenta forming. If I become pregnant from this process, I have to continue these for approximately 10-12 weeks. Another thing about these injections......they make you SORE!!! So sitting isn't my favorite activity! Haha.
So, today, day 2, we received a second phone call from the lab...."most" of the fertilized eggs had progressed to 2 days embryos....which means 4 cells. We needed this to keep us on our day 5 transfer. Why does that matter you ask? Well, the day 5 embryo tells you a little bit more about the embryo itself. They grade them on an A to F scale and try to only place the ones most likely to be viable back in utero or freeze for future use. Even with "A's" though, we only have a 50% chance that this procedure will result in a pregnancy. So, the message was very vague which I didn't like.....but we knew it was coming.
Each day, we look at our picture/information sheet and think of what process our embryos are supposed to be forming. It is kinda weird (okay not kinda but really) that there are these embryos forming but I'm not pregnant yet, and I have no clue if I will even have a viable pregnancy. And it amazes us even more how God is so awesome and detail oriented that he has how a baby is conceived as miraculous as it is!!!
So, our next news is the morning of our embryo transfer. They will give us how many embryos we have, their grades, and discuss with the doctor how many embryos we will transfer. We are continuing to pray for our embryos, my womb, and our decisions. We want this to work so badly and know God has His perfect plans. So until the next time.....
Friday, September 13, 2013
Like a Puppet with Strings
Life in IVF is like being a puppet with strings. You aren't yourself, you aren't in control of yourself. Your natural hormone cycle isn't in control, your natural response isn't there. Everything is controlled by doctors looking at every aspect of you and deciding what and when things need to be done. You are either ingesting or injecting different hormones or hormone suppressors into your body and those bring on all kinds of fun side effects. All this to say......you become crazy!
The biggest thing you need when you start IVF is a very UNDERSTANDING and COMPASSIONATE partner. Along with that, surround yourself with a close knit group to pray for you and people who understand if you snap their head off because a minor thing in life went wrong that it isn't personal and please don't react. Thankfully, for the most part, I have had these things. I couldn't ask for a better husband who has consoled me on countless occasions as I lay crying because of dust, busyness, someone hurting my uber sensitive feelings, scheduling of tests being array, and the list goes on.....if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have made it through (not that we are through yet). My boss says I have had a lot less of a filter and a lot more emotion throughout this, he has never seen of me....I told him welcome to the real me, haha. I think even he is scared of me on most days! (which I'm not proud of....)
So, saying all of this to say....if you know someone who is going through this, please be patient with them. Love them a little more. Bite your tongue a little harder. And make them feel as if all is okay in the world because if not, tears that may cause a torrential flood of Noah's day may be ahead of you!
Thank you to all of the people who have put up with me over the past few months because I couldn't be here without you.
The biggest thing you need when you start IVF is a very UNDERSTANDING and COMPASSIONATE partner. Along with that, surround yourself with a close knit group to pray for you and people who understand if you snap their head off because a minor thing in life went wrong that it isn't personal and please don't react. Thankfully, for the most part, I have had these things. I couldn't ask for a better husband who has consoled me on countless occasions as I lay crying because of dust, busyness, someone hurting my uber sensitive feelings, scheduling of tests being array, and the list goes on.....if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have made it through (not that we are through yet). My boss says I have had a lot less of a filter and a lot more emotion throughout this, he has never seen of me....I told him welcome to the real me, haha. I think even he is scared of me on most days! (which I'm not proud of....)
So, saying all of this to say....if you know someone who is going through this, please be patient with them. Love them a little more. Bite your tongue a little harder. And make them feel as if all is okay in the world because if not, tears that may cause a torrential flood of Noah's day may be ahead of you!
Thank you to all of the people who have put up with me over the past few months because I couldn't be here without you.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Retrieving
I'm going to be quite honest about today, so details and complaints insue for those of you who don't want to read further. I have committed myself to being quite honest and open with exactly what we are going through because I don't believe enough people do this and a lot of people don't know what to expect when they are going through this. That being said....we begin.
The morning began earlier than my alarm clock due to cramping. The "trigger" injection is HCG (the pregnancy hormone) which makes you ovulate 36 hours after the injection (as I said in my previous post). This meaning your muscles in your ovaries start cramping once the time gets close. Yesterday was actually my first non-cramping, non-bloated feeling in over a week, which was exciting, but then it returned full force this morning. So, we got up and headed our way into the surgery center at the fertility clinic. The fertility clinic we use has the ultimate best staff and doctors. They do nothing but make you feel calm and answer any and all questions. We parked, Alan prayed, and we entered into the center. I had an overwhelming peace this whole morning and never once got nervous. God's presence was definitely surrounding us.
Once we got checked in, they had me gown up, sign consents, and get my IV. Alan and I had such a great mood around us, the nurses told us we were having way too much fun and way too relaxed for this. We knew it was a total God thing. The doctor who performed the procedure wasn't my usual doctor, but he was so nice and I felt comfortable with him, as well. So, kissed Alan good-bye and they gave me the good drugs. For egg retrieval, you are given anesthesia which is pretty much conscious sedation (no tube down your throat). I remember them wheeling me back and telling me to change tables, after scooting over, I have no recollection of anything else. I barely remember the doctor talking to me afterward and once I woke up, I freaked out thinking Alan and I had overslept and missed the whole thing!
Woke up feeling okay but a little groggy and cramping a lot. They had the medicine handy. The embryologist came in to let us know that they retrieved 25 eggs! Way beyond what we expected! We were told the exact number of mature eggs are unknown, but we should find out tomorrow. As well as, the eggs will be fertilized tomorrow and we will see how many turn into embryos. We are praying the perfect amount!
Once that was completed, we began getting ready to go home. I was feeling fine until that point and once I stood up I got majorly nauseated. They gave me some medicine for the nausea which didn't really help and by the time we went by the pharmacy and returned home, I was sick. The majority of the day was spent trying to become not nauseated and keep the cramps under control. Right now, I am still drugged and feeling slightly less nauseated. The fun of anesthesia. Alan has taken wonderful care of me and I have been unable to get up except going to the bathroom.....which is a hard feat of itself for those who know me!
So the next step is waiting....there is a lot of that in this process! We most likely get to transfer in 5 days and it is then waiting game again! Will keep you posted. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!
The morning began earlier than my alarm clock due to cramping. The "trigger" injection is HCG (the pregnancy hormone) which makes you ovulate 36 hours after the injection (as I said in my previous post). This meaning your muscles in your ovaries start cramping once the time gets close. Yesterday was actually my first non-cramping, non-bloated feeling in over a week, which was exciting, but then it returned full force this morning. So, we got up and headed our way into the surgery center at the fertility clinic. The fertility clinic we use has the ultimate best staff and doctors. They do nothing but make you feel calm and answer any and all questions. We parked, Alan prayed, and we entered into the center. I had an overwhelming peace this whole morning and never once got nervous. God's presence was definitely surrounding us.
Once we got checked in, they had me gown up, sign consents, and get my IV. Alan and I had such a great mood around us, the nurses told us we were having way too much fun and way too relaxed for this. We knew it was a total God thing. The doctor who performed the procedure wasn't my usual doctor, but he was so nice and I felt comfortable with him, as well. So, kissed Alan good-bye and they gave me the good drugs. For egg retrieval, you are given anesthesia which is pretty much conscious sedation (no tube down your throat). I remember them wheeling me back and telling me to change tables, after scooting over, I have no recollection of anything else. I barely remember the doctor talking to me afterward and once I woke up, I freaked out thinking Alan and I had overslept and missed the whole thing!
Woke up feeling okay but a little groggy and cramping a lot. They had the medicine handy. The embryologist came in to let us know that they retrieved 25 eggs! Way beyond what we expected! We were told the exact number of mature eggs are unknown, but we should find out tomorrow. As well as, the eggs will be fertilized tomorrow and we will see how many turn into embryos. We are praying the perfect amount!
Once that was completed, we began getting ready to go home. I was feeling fine until that point and once I stood up I got majorly nauseated. They gave me some medicine for the nausea which didn't really help and by the time we went by the pharmacy and returned home, I was sick. The majority of the day was spent trying to become not nauseated and keep the cramps under control. Right now, I am still drugged and feeling slightly less nauseated. The fun of anesthesia. Alan has taken wonderful care of me and I have been unable to get up except going to the bathroom.....which is a hard feat of itself for those who know me!
So the next step is waiting....there is a lot of that in this process! We most likely get to transfer in 5 days and it is then waiting game again! Will keep you posted. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Pull the trigger
So, after a frustrating day of being pushed back, I had a reality check and accepted God's timing. Yesterday, I got to go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork. The results sounded good on my ultrasound while I was there, but had to await my bloodwork. Was quite anxious for my 3:30 voicemail. So, it came and stated we were ready for our "trigger" injection! I was so excited and called Alan immediately (we were both at work still) and we celebrated over the phone.
Last night was the night for the injection, which was different than previous injections. It included two syringes of medication, one on each side of my abdomen. We were given a specific time to give the injections because it is exactly 36 hours later I ovulate, which means they have to retrieve the eggs at 35 hours. The injections burned some, but weren't too bad. I had been cramping all day and it seemed to ease that down some. So, we are triggered and on our way to egg retrieval!
This morning, I had to return to the doctor's for more bloodwork and my plan. Got the instructions for tomorrow.....no injections today!! So, tomorrow is the one day I get to get knocked out with anesthesia for the retrieval. They have given me the spill that they are a little more concerned about hyperstimulation ovarian syndrome with me because of my diagnosis and some of my blood levels, so we are praying that doesn't happen because it would prohibit us from proceeding further with the embryo transfer and I could get really sick. We ask for prayers regarding that.
We are excited about this next week but very prayerful too. Only God can get us through this and we know He is carrying us through this which makes it easier. He continues to give us a peace.
My hormones haven't been so bad this week either.....Alan is hoping this continues through if I get pregnant! We pray for that too! Until the next time....thank you for your continued prayers!
Last night was the night for the injection, which was different than previous injections. It included two syringes of medication, one on each side of my abdomen. We were given a specific time to give the injections because it is exactly 36 hours later I ovulate, which means they have to retrieve the eggs at 35 hours. The injections burned some, but weren't too bad. I had been cramping all day and it seemed to ease that down some. So, we are triggered and on our way to egg retrieval!
This morning, I had to return to the doctor's for more bloodwork and my plan. Got the instructions for tomorrow.....no injections today!! So, tomorrow is the one day I get to get knocked out with anesthesia for the retrieval. They have given me the spill that they are a little more concerned about hyperstimulation ovarian syndrome with me because of my diagnosis and some of my blood levels, so we are praying that doesn't happen because it would prohibit us from proceeding further with the embryo transfer and I could get really sick. We ask for prayers regarding that.
We are excited about this next week but very prayerful too. Only God can get us through this and we know He is carrying us through this which makes it easier. He continues to give us a peace.
My hormones haven't been so bad this week either.....Alan is hoping this continues through if I get pregnant! We pray for that too! Until the next time....thank you for your continued prayers!
Monday, September 9, 2013
Frustration
So, frustration has hit....I went into the doctor's office today for what I assumed would be my last ultrasound and bloodwork before we went in for retrieval. Well, come to find out it wasn't. My fast growing follicles decided to slow down over the weekend and they are wanting me to wait another day. You may say, one day and you are frustrated? Well, yes....because I had a plan! Another way for God to show me I haven't learned my patience lesson or His timing. Never said I was a quick learner, and I am so glad God has the patience to handle me! My friend Nikki encouraged me today with what we like to now call ourselves (she can take total credit for this) soon to be former control freaks. We've started a club. And hopefully the soon to be will be sooner rather than later!
So, I cried this morning. I tried to keep it in until I got into the car and called Alan. See, the day we were supposed to go in for retrieval was already an "off" day for me for work, pushing it back a day meant I had to cancel a full day of clinic and meant there was no chance for us to have implantation of our embryos on the weekend....which means more time off work.....wasn't my last post on me not worrying about work???? So, Alan, after hearing me ramble my issues, reminded me breathing is good, our future with children is our number one priority, and I needed to calm down and not worry about work. Some things are beyond our control. After about 10 minutes of crying, hormones and things out of my control (or not going my way) is not a good combination, Alan had me calm enough to head onto my days activities.
I have noticed a lot of cramping lately, which is normal for the fact that both of my ovaries are HUGE! It is not exactly the most fun thing and doesn't hurt, just is uncomfortable. It worsens with activity, too, which is probably why I'm not supposed to exercises or lift!
So, I get to go tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work and will find out if I get to proceed with my retrieval just one day pushed back. I think both Alan and I are anxious for this portion to get here because it is what we've been working toward the whole time! So, I pray and pray that I don't get frustrated and don't let me emotions get the best of me. I just have to remember, in God's timing everything is perfect.....
So, I cried this morning. I tried to keep it in until I got into the car and called Alan. See, the day we were supposed to go in for retrieval was already an "off" day for me for work, pushing it back a day meant I had to cancel a full day of clinic and meant there was no chance for us to have implantation of our embryos on the weekend....which means more time off work.....wasn't my last post on me not worrying about work???? So, Alan, after hearing me ramble my issues, reminded me breathing is good, our future with children is our number one priority, and I needed to calm down and not worry about work. Some things are beyond our control. After about 10 minutes of crying, hormones and things out of my control (or not going my way) is not a good combination, Alan had me calm enough to head onto my days activities.
I have noticed a lot of cramping lately, which is normal for the fact that both of my ovaries are HUGE! It is not exactly the most fun thing and doesn't hurt, just is uncomfortable. It worsens with activity, too, which is probably why I'm not supposed to exercises or lift!
So, I get to go tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work and will find out if I get to proceed with my retrieval just one day pushed back. I think both Alan and I are anxious for this portion to get here because it is what we've been working toward the whole time! So, I pray and pray that I don't get frustrated and don't let me emotions get the best of me. I just have to remember, in God's timing everything is perfect.....
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Flexibility
FLEXIBILITY is probably one of the biggest challenges in IVF. Those of you who know me, know that I am a planner. One lesson God has continuously tried to teach me is that I need to lean on Him for HIS plan, not my own. This process has been another trying lesson in leaning on Him for His plan and allowing my stress level to not go through the roof when I can't tell people at work what my schedule looks like the next week.
The way in vitro fertilization works, especially when you are on the injection portion, is that blood work and ultrasounds done every other day tell you what your next step is. Your injections, dosaging, days to come in, whether the procedure can continue or be cancelled is all dependent on that one day's results. You call your little voicemail at 3:30 PM every afternoon and get your plan for the next day, then you go into the office every other morning and the same process continues. Initially, we thought my retrieval would be at one point, which would have been very convenient as my doctor was on vacation that week, but now it looks to be later and I will miss work with a very busy surgery day and a working doctor. Hence, my stress level shoots through the roof. I try not to inconvenience people, I try to make my schedule work with everyone else's, and I try not to offend people.....a weakness in this regard. It's hard to be flexible as a working woman especially in neurosurgery. So, I'm learning. And one thing I am praying for and working on daily this week is changing my mindset. Not only towards flexibility, but towards making this situation my number one situation and not work. Taking what is good for me and hopefully a future baby into account over other people's feelings. Man is it hard! Especially when you are emotionally labile to begin with!
I've been praying a lot extra this week on this subject and these verses have been my prayers in regards to our in vitro fertilization process and in regards to work:
Phillipians 4:6-7 - 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Matthew 6:34 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Matthew 11:28 - 30 - Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
It is so neat to see how memory verses from when I was young continue to come into play for my lowest moments. Praying these verses brings such peace and I know He is in control of my future. He will give me the answers on work when the time comes, but today, I need to focus on today, not what tomorrow brings. So, I think of my injections and my time with my husband relaxing and enjoying what we have today. I need to rejoice in this moment and this opportunity. Give myself the flexibility to enjoy today and give God the future.
The way in vitro fertilization works, especially when you are on the injection portion, is that blood work and ultrasounds done every other day tell you what your next step is. Your injections, dosaging, days to come in, whether the procedure can continue or be cancelled is all dependent on that one day's results. You call your little voicemail at 3:30 PM every afternoon and get your plan for the next day, then you go into the office every other morning and the same process continues. Initially, we thought my retrieval would be at one point, which would have been very convenient as my doctor was on vacation that week, but now it looks to be later and I will miss work with a very busy surgery day and a working doctor. Hence, my stress level shoots through the roof. I try not to inconvenience people, I try to make my schedule work with everyone else's, and I try not to offend people.....a weakness in this regard. It's hard to be flexible as a working woman especially in neurosurgery. So, I'm learning. And one thing I am praying for and working on daily this week is changing my mindset. Not only towards flexibility, but towards making this situation my number one situation and not work. Taking what is good for me and hopefully a future baby into account over other people's feelings. Man is it hard! Especially when you are emotionally labile to begin with!
I've been praying a lot extra this week on this subject and these verses have been my prayers in regards to our in vitro fertilization process and in regards to work:
Phillipians 4:6-7 - 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Matthew 6:34 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Matthew 11:28 - 30 - Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
It is so neat to see how memory verses from when I was young continue to come into play for my lowest moments. Praying these verses brings such peace and I know He is in control of my future. He will give me the answers on work when the time comes, but today, I need to focus on today, not what tomorrow brings. So, I think of my injections and my time with my husband relaxing and enjoying what we have today. I need to rejoice in this moment and this opportunity. Give myself the flexibility to enjoy today and give God the future.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)