Death.
We've all heard of it. It's on the news. It's personal. It's our family member's passing. It is a friend passing. It is a dream dying. A realization of something no longer existing.
Death comes in various forms. I've always been a little morbid in thinking of death often. I don't know whether it is because I am in the line of work I am in and can think of situations that can happen way too quickly to kill someone or it is just me. But, it is a part of all of our lives. Lately, I have seen a best friend from college's father die (way too young), young lives tragically ended too early through freak accidents, and then, of course, these acts of terror that seem more and more frequent. It is one thing that I am actually scared of. I know that we shouldn't be, as Christians, because we know what awaits us, BUT, I selfishly don't want anyone around me to be gone or to be gone myself. It's a hard realization to see it happen and to see how finite each life is. I just hope that we all hug a little tighter and love a little more knowing and being reminded of this fact. Death is VERY REAL and comes unexpectedly and way too soon for us all.
Death in the realization of reality has hit me hard lately, too. When we got pregnant with the boys, we used our last two frozen embryos. We knew at that point that we were most likely done with children and had a peace about it. But, the dream was still alive that we could have more. We have had frozen sperm still available if we wanted to start over in the IVF process. Well, to keep that, we have to pay for it to be stored. And we have paid over the past two years. We know the piece of paper that tells us our "lease" is up comes in May and we have to make the decision by July 1 on whether or not to keep or destroy our goods. We have prayerfully gone forward with storing these past years and prayerfully considered it this year. Alan and I had to have some hard discussions this year as that piece of paper showed up. We both knew that we most likely wouldn't start over in our journey of IVF - mostly because it is costly and we don't want to risk having an abundance of embryos because we would not destroy any of them. So, the decision was made that we would no longer store our frozen goods.
This has been a hard reality for me. A death of sorts. I am so happy with my two little spunky boys. They are a handful and when I am around babies I know that it would be difficult to handle more. BUT, the dream and option was still there. This puts a pretty finite end to our reproducing and the end of our biological family. It is a very hard decision for us both. We have a peace about it and believe it is what is right for our family, but that does not make the decision any easier. There are up days and down days. But in it all, I know God is good and He has planned our family perfectly. AND, we can always adopt or foster. But, our journey in this infertility world, is now over.
Infertility is a life long struggle. Even after having the blessings of children, seeing others accidentally or easily getting pregnant can continue to play with your psyche. People asking if you are having more children is still painful. So, I ask you take that into consideration of people before you ask these questions or flaunt how easy it is for you to get pregnant.
In life, we know all things are for purpose. We know that our journey in infertility was for a purpose of growth not only for us, but for others. We know that when a horrific death happens, it is for a purpose far greater than we can expect. There is purpose in our loved ones passing, though it is more painful and hard to see good in than we could ever imagine.
I challenge you to be there for those who are going through a death. No matter what that death may be. Physical. Emotional. I, also, challenge those of you who do not have a personal relationship with God to seek this out. It is the most important choice you can make. It has been the ONLY way I have been able to survive my life and be sustained in knowing the good that prevails. He gives us a peace that surpasses all understanding in ALL things and is ALWAYS there for us. Not expecting perfection, but a relationship.
So, as I end my blog journey of infertility, I look forward to the next journey He has me on. Still running towards the prize.
