I never wanted to be a step-mother. Like EVER. I never dreamed of it and actually, in my mind for years and years, I promised I would NEVER marry a divorced man with children. God laughed (like He usually does when I say I will never do something). That being said, I am a step-mother. And though I do no mothering, nor do I want to, I am still a step-mother.
There is a lot that comes with being a step-mother. First, getting acceptance. This is the hardest and most complicated part. And honestly, it may never happen. I have a hard time with this part. I want to be loved by all and don't understand when someone can dislike me for no reason, other than that I married their father and I am not their mother. Which, I guess in itself is plenty of reason to dislike someone. But, to just dislike someone without knowing them, is quite unfair. But, I also don't want to be used to be accepted, which happens a lot in mixed families. There are many factors that go into acceptance. The relationship your spouse has with their children, the relationship the ex has with their children, and the way that relationship ended. It isn't an easy place to be in, an outsider coming in. Also, a lot can be placed on the ages of the children. I used to think it would be harder to be a step parent to young children, boy was I wrong. I think "adult" children are more difficult. I am still working on this part, and it is hard, especially when you hardly get to see your step-children and they are waiting for you to mess up for affirmation from the words their mother has spoken about you.
Second, dealing with your step children. It is hard, because you aren't their parent and you aren't allowed to impose the way you would do things on them. They aren't your children, so any expectations and consequences you would like to have in place aren't necessarily allowed. With me, this is hard. I know how I was raised and believe in tough love and consequences, which I plan to use with my boys, but can't on my step-children. When I see no effort put into a relationship or my husband hurt by them I am the first and quickest to say "They deserve nothing and don't let them return to this house." But then my temper settles and I realize how wrong I am in saying that. And then, well I get convicted. Because how many times does my heavenly Father want to spend time with me and call me to sit with him and visit and I am "too busy" with life or "don't know what my plans are" or any other excuse in the book. He doesn't disown me, He is hurt, but he shows grace. And man have I had to learn that, and am still learning. But, it is the perfect example, which I have to remind myself on a frequent basis that my relationship with my step-children needs to look like my Father's relationship with me.
Thirdly, scheduling holidays. It is quite hard. Now that there are our own two little ones in tow, we are starting our own family traditions and for the first time our holidays don't revolve around the schedule of my step-children. This has entailed them missing every holiday with us this year. It's hurtful that they haven't made the effort and it is hurtful to see their dad so sad, but I have to remember, they are adults and we are focusing on our boys. Between their mother, her father, my parents, his dad and sister, cousins, and their significant others it gets quite difficult to get it all in sync.
Fourth would be blending. Once you start a family of your own, it is very important and difficult to show them you are not "replacing" them but just expanding their family. This is also, extremely difficult. Especially with older children who have been used to their lives with their parent. I don't have advice for this because, well, frankly we are in the midst of it.
I read a book when we first got married called "Super Step Mom." It was actually one of the best books I read regarding this. It let my high expectations be broken and realize we are like a crock pot. Some things get blended and cooked faster than others. Like a friend of mine was discussing with me a few weeks ago who is in a similar situation, we love the men we married and know we are supposed to be with them. There is no doubt and our love is unconditional, it is just hard adjusting to having a child that isn't your own and you have no control over.
So, I will continue to pray, and ask forgiveness, and hope that life as a blended family becomes blended. That I do my part like my Father wants me to, no matter the circumstances on the other end. And beyond all, that I continue to love my husband and support him and his relationship with them.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
The Balancing Act: Wife, Mother, and now again a PA
Balancing roles is a difficult thing. It's definitely a juggling act on a daily basis. My first role in my "adult" world was physician assistant. Being a physician assistant was pretty easy to me, I love it. I was very picky in the role I chose to work in so that I could have weekends free and plenty of vacation time - most of you all saw my travels because that's what I enjoyed. I transitioned into that role pretty easily and didn't have a problem leaving work at work and enjoying life at home. The single life.
Then came marriage. Balancing between work identity and wife was pretty easy too. I took on my most challenging and demanding (both intellectually and by hours worked) job when I got married. Since Alan traveled a good amount, it was still pretty easy to balance wife and PA. When I was finished with work, I was done (most of the time) and my weekends were still free….so we had our moments together and life was good. We had date nights weekly (or biweekly) and still were able to travel a fair amount. No schedule, really, and just fly by the seat of our pants. The only real struggle was finding who I was in a new city, knowing no one but Alan's family. That transition, still continues.
Then came babies. Becoming a mom was the thing I had dreamed of my whole life. I remember at 4 years old "birthing" my baby dolls and being their mom. I had it covered. Transition was kind of slow because of the NICU but then came on quick being the mom of twins. It's hard! Being a mother (or parent) is a 24 hour a day job. There are no breaks (and I know everyone is going, well duh) and honestly, being away from my babies was something I didn't want to happen because I knew they are my only babies and time goes by so quickly. But, I also knew that Alan's and my relationship is one of the most important (most under God of course) and that it has to be a priority. While on maternity leave, it wasn't too hard to make time for each other. I didn't mind leaving them for a night with my parents a few times and one weekend, because I knew my days would be filled with them. It has been a slow adjustment to being a good wife and mother and I am still working on it.
They say that becoming a parent is one of the hardest things on a marriage. Lack of sleep, crazy schedules, all the duties of taking care of a child, and just the busyness of life come into play and a lot of times the relationship between husband and wife takes on the back burner role….it is dangerous. It is important for those date nights and quality conversation. It is important for you to stay friends with your spouse and do things to show that you love each other, even in the craziness of parenthood.
Then came becoming a working mom. Though I am only working part-time, it is back to being a role I am playing. Honestly, right now, it is the lowest priority on my totem pole of life, but yet it takes up three days a week and takes away time from me being "mommy." Transitioning back into being a PA has been harder than I thought. I love my patients, they make the days go by, but leaving my children is hard. (Though I am super blessed to have my mom take care of them so I don't have to worry about them). Transitioning into PA, wife and mother is harder than I though in multiple ways. I feel like I am not as good of a mom because I leave my children and they have shown their disapproval through staying awake most nights when I am working the next day. That being said, the exhaustion we have from that takes away time from being able to have that quality time with my husband after our babies go to bed. We are just ready to fall asleep! (And they are not "early to bed" children.)
It's a struggle to get out to date nights, now. Most weekends are the only time we truly get to be a family of four (Alan still has to travel) and it is our only quality time together. Having twins, it is harder to obtain a babysitter than with a singleton….most people find it overwhelming at just the thought of two, so to actually have someone agree or volunteer to babysit is few and far between. I'm not complaining, it's just the real of my life. It's been 3 months since we've been out on a date by ourselves (and trust me I never imagined that!). Our dates mostly consist of ordering in and sitting at the kitchen table talking. And let me tell you, those moments are good moments! And vital to our relationship.
It's hard to find a balance in life. I'm no where close to finding it. All I know is, I want to be able to find it and be a good wife and mother. Our life has become quite routine, I mean, we've been on a schedule that has been for the most part strict since the boys arrived. But, I don't want my life to be routine. I long for adventure and spontaneity and being social and being able to go and I want the same for my husband and my kids.
Everything is for a season, and I know this season of hardship will pass. We will have babysitters that aren't scared of twins and allow us to go for a dinner or movie out. We will have our boys grow up way too fast and go and do their own things that will allow us to have that time together, again. So now, I cherish the fact that we get to spend our evenings together, laughing and watching and playing. But, I also know that I have to get better at prioritizing and making sacrifices (like an hour of sleep) to be able to spend that quality time with my husband. God calls us to do it because it is vital.
So, as I continue to juggle life and work on balancing life, I pray. I know that spreading myself thin is not the answer, but I know HE is and God will give me the strength and ability to be what I am supposed to be.
Then came marriage. Balancing between work identity and wife was pretty easy too. I took on my most challenging and demanding (both intellectually and by hours worked) job when I got married. Since Alan traveled a good amount, it was still pretty easy to balance wife and PA. When I was finished with work, I was done (most of the time) and my weekends were still free….so we had our moments together and life was good. We had date nights weekly (or biweekly) and still were able to travel a fair amount. No schedule, really, and just fly by the seat of our pants. The only real struggle was finding who I was in a new city, knowing no one but Alan's family. That transition, still continues.
Then came babies. Becoming a mom was the thing I had dreamed of my whole life. I remember at 4 years old "birthing" my baby dolls and being their mom. I had it covered. Transition was kind of slow because of the NICU but then came on quick being the mom of twins. It's hard! Being a mother (or parent) is a 24 hour a day job. There are no breaks (and I know everyone is going, well duh) and honestly, being away from my babies was something I didn't want to happen because I knew they are my only babies and time goes by so quickly. But, I also knew that Alan's and my relationship is one of the most important (most under God of course) and that it has to be a priority. While on maternity leave, it wasn't too hard to make time for each other. I didn't mind leaving them for a night with my parents a few times and one weekend, because I knew my days would be filled with them. It has been a slow adjustment to being a good wife and mother and I am still working on it.
They say that becoming a parent is one of the hardest things on a marriage. Lack of sleep, crazy schedules, all the duties of taking care of a child, and just the busyness of life come into play and a lot of times the relationship between husband and wife takes on the back burner role….it is dangerous. It is important for those date nights and quality conversation. It is important for you to stay friends with your spouse and do things to show that you love each other, even in the craziness of parenthood.
Then came becoming a working mom. Though I am only working part-time, it is back to being a role I am playing. Honestly, right now, it is the lowest priority on my totem pole of life, but yet it takes up three days a week and takes away time from me being "mommy." Transitioning back into being a PA has been harder than I thought. I love my patients, they make the days go by, but leaving my children is hard. (Though I am super blessed to have my mom take care of them so I don't have to worry about them). Transitioning into PA, wife and mother is harder than I though in multiple ways. I feel like I am not as good of a mom because I leave my children and they have shown their disapproval through staying awake most nights when I am working the next day. That being said, the exhaustion we have from that takes away time from being able to have that quality time with my husband after our babies go to bed. We are just ready to fall asleep! (And they are not "early to bed" children.)
It's a struggle to get out to date nights, now. Most weekends are the only time we truly get to be a family of four (Alan still has to travel) and it is our only quality time together. Having twins, it is harder to obtain a babysitter than with a singleton….most people find it overwhelming at just the thought of two, so to actually have someone agree or volunteer to babysit is few and far between. I'm not complaining, it's just the real of my life. It's been 3 months since we've been out on a date by ourselves (and trust me I never imagined that!). Our dates mostly consist of ordering in and sitting at the kitchen table talking. And let me tell you, those moments are good moments! And vital to our relationship.
It's hard to find a balance in life. I'm no where close to finding it. All I know is, I want to be able to find it and be a good wife and mother. Our life has become quite routine, I mean, we've been on a schedule that has been for the most part strict since the boys arrived. But, I don't want my life to be routine. I long for adventure and spontaneity and being social and being able to go and I want the same for my husband and my kids.
Everything is for a season, and I know this season of hardship will pass. We will have babysitters that aren't scared of twins and allow us to go for a dinner or movie out. We will have our boys grow up way too fast and go and do their own things that will allow us to have that time together, again. So now, I cherish the fact that we get to spend our evenings together, laughing and watching and playing. But, I also know that I have to get better at prioritizing and making sacrifices (like an hour of sleep) to be able to spend that quality time with my husband. God calls us to do it because it is vital.
So, as I continue to juggle life and work on balancing life, I pray. I know that spreading myself thin is not the answer, but I know HE is and God will give me the strength and ability to be what I am supposed to be.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
6 Months and Returning to Work
I can't believe half a year has passed (tomorrow) since these little ones have arrived in our lives! Though, they aren't so little anymore! The time has flown past and well, I am wishing already it would slow down a little bit!
Zachary is a whopping 18 lbs 8 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds since birth! He loves to talk and will "talk" your ears off all morning and night. He actually wakes up in his crib "talking" in the morning and from naps. He has found his foot and loves admiring it. And, this week, his Lolli got him to sit on his own for the first time! Such a big boy. We began solids this past week and he loves them. He will gobble down anything you put into his mouth….so not a picky eater! He loves his naps and we have learned we don't wake him from them, because pitching a fit will begin. He has been the more consistent "sleeper through the night." He loves to snuggle and would stay that way all day if he could. He loves looking in the mirror and thinks he is a good looking baby. He continues to be the more sensitive one and very much the more opinionated/tempermental one of the two.
Ayden is catching up to his brother at 17 lbs 6 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds, as well, since birth and quadrupled his birth weight….let's just say these boys don't miss a meal! He is more picky of the two eating. He does not like any vegetable, thus far, but will "suffer" eating them as long as it is mixed with prunes - which he has been getting in his bottle since he was around 2 months old. He loves to laugh and figure things out. He is the more serious of the two and when in his exersaucer or playing with a toy really tries to "figure it out." Looks like a future engineer. He is the more active of the two and full of energy. He loves to be held and snuggle too, but has to have his energy out so it is more "jumping" in your lap. He loves looking at himself in the mirror, too. He continues to have stomach issues, so we are hoping those dissipate over the next few weeks with baby food.
They have grown so much and their personalities keep developing. They are actually doing really well on their "corrected age" scale of things they should be doing - though they have yet to really roll over because they love sleeping on their belly and think that is what you are making them do when they have tummy time. They love being around people and being held and are such good babies. I couldn't imagine having better babies! Thank heavens they aren't like me when I was an infant!
The BIG change happened this week with my return to work. Monday night was a very hard night for me putting the babies to bed, but they knew I needed to see them before I left for work so were up extra early that morning….thankfully went back to sleep so their Lolli could rest before she had to keep them. I think I wouldn't be able to work if it wasn't for my mom keeping them. She is BEYOND a blessing. Thankfully, too, my work schedule is progressing me back into work and I didn't start off with an impossibly hard and busy schedule. It has kept me busy enough to get through the day and make it home at a decent time to see the boys. I have a great boss who has been wonderful through this whole process. Unfortunately my three day work week continues tomorrow and Saturday of this week, but it shouldn't be too bad. I remembered right when I first went into a patient's room on Tuesday why I do what I do and why I love it. Love my patients. Loving my patients makes it a little easier to know that I have to leave my babies. It's also funny because what should take no time to round in the hospital this week has taken me at least 3 hours due to everyone welcoming me back and wanting to see pictures of the babies….felt good to be missed, in a way!
I look forward to the months ahead and the growth these boys are going to do. It is just crazy that half a year of their life is over already and the second half is fastly going to pass as well. Trying to take in each moment with them. Thank you all for your prayers over this past week, they were definitely felt and I appreciate it more than you know…think it is what has made work bearable.
Zachary is a whopping 18 lbs 8 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds since birth! He loves to talk and will "talk" your ears off all morning and night. He actually wakes up in his crib "talking" in the morning and from naps. He has found his foot and loves admiring it. And, this week, his Lolli got him to sit on his own for the first time! Such a big boy. We began solids this past week and he loves them. He will gobble down anything you put into his mouth….so not a picky eater! He loves his naps and we have learned we don't wake him from them, because pitching a fit will begin. He has been the more consistent "sleeper through the night." He loves to snuggle and would stay that way all day if he could. He loves looking in the mirror and thinks he is a good looking baby. He continues to be the more sensitive one and very much the more opinionated/tempermental one of the two.
Ayden is catching up to his brother at 17 lbs 6 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds, as well, since birth and quadrupled his birth weight….let's just say these boys don't miss a meal! He is more picky of the two eating. He does not like any vegetable, thus far, but will "suffer" eating them as long as it is mixed with prunes - which he has been getting in his bottle since he was around 2 months old. He loves to laugh and figure things out. He is the more serious of the two and when in his exersaucer or playing with a toy really tries to "figure it out." Looks like a future engineer. He is the more active of the two and full of energy. He loves to be held and snuggle too, but has to have his energy out so it is more "jumping" in your lap. He loves looking at himself in the mirror, too. He continues to have stomach issues, so we are hoping those dissipate over the next few weeks with baby food.
They have grown so much and their personalities keep developing. They are actually doing really well on their "corrected age" scale of things they should be doing - though they have yet to really roll over because they love sleeping on their belly and think that is what you are making them do when they have tummy time. They love being around people and being held and are such good babies. I couldn't imagine having better babies! Thank heavens they aren't like me when I was an infant!
The BIG change happened this week with my return to work. Monday night was a very hard night for me putting the babies to bed, but they knew I needed to see them before I left for work so were up extra early that morning….thankfully went back to sleep so their Lolli could rest before she had to keep them. I think I wouldn't be able to work if it wasn't for my mom keeping them. She is BEYOND a blessing. Thankfully, too, my work schedule is progressing me back into work and I didn't start off with an impossibly hard and busy schedule. It has kept me busy enough to get through the day and make it home at a decent time to see the boys. I have a great boss who has been wonderful through this whole process. Unfortunately my three day work week continues tomorrow and Saturday of this week, but it shouldn't be too bad. I remembered right when I first went into a patient's room on Tuesday why I do what I do and why I love it. Love my patients. Loving my patients makes it a little easier to know that I have to leave my babies. It's also funny because what should take no time to round in the hospital this week has taken me at least 3 hours due to everyone welcoming me back and wanting to see pictures of the babies….felt good to be missed, in a way!
I look forward to the months ahead and the growth these boys are going to do. It is just crazy that half a year of their life is over already and the second half is fastly going to pass as well. Trying to take in each moment with them. Thank you all for your prayers over this past week, they were definitely felt and I appreciate it more than you know…think it is what has made work bearable.
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