Granny,
It's been 23 years today. Twenty-three years since I sat beside you, saw your face, and held your hand. I can't believe it, because it just seems like yesterday. I can recall every minute of that day in my head and I often relive it over and over. I remember seeing your last moments and running out to my bike riding around the yard screaming at God to "heal my Granny." And "please don't let her go." Asking Him, "Why???" But I know why and He did heal you. You are healed and praising His name every second of every day. But still, I miss you.
You were an amazing woman. Someone I still admire and still consider my hero. Your love for Jesus still radiates in my mind and I can just see you showing Jesus to people through your actions. You praising Him while you were sick and having me read the Bible to you every night has had such an impact on my life. I do believe, that if it wasn't for you and your constant heart for God, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. Your love for people is something I strive for. I strive to treat everyone like you did, as God's prince and princess. To make each and every person feel special. Thank you for teaching me that. Thank you for loving people like you loved Jesus and Jesus loved you. Thank you for caring about the important stuff and convicting me of the same, people's hearts. Your smile and laugh were contagious, something you have passed down to your daughter and granddaughters. And as my Momma says, she still sees your temper in me…I guess I got it honest.
A lot has happened this past year. And honestly, I have really wished you were here to witness it all. Three of your four great grandsons were born. I think you would love them more than you loved Sally and me. They would love you too. They even growl like Sally did with you, so it would've been a perfect match! They would've loved your snuggles, floor time play, singing and dancing, constant praise, and love and I am sure we would want for nothing and have houses piled with the cutest outfits and toys because you would be spoiling them rotten, more than they already are. But, I want you to know, you raised a daughter who has become the best Lolli that they could have. She is a lot like you. She is on the floor playing with these four boys, even when she doesn't feel good. I think she gets that stamina and love from you. She walks in the room and the look on the boys' faces is the same as what Sally and I had when you walked into the room. We knew that love and excitement and fun was here. So, thank you, Granny, for raising my Momma to be like you. You would be so proud of her. She has grown to be a woman of God that loves the unloveable and loves her family to almost a fault. These boys are her world, just like your grandchildren were your's.
I think you would be proud of Sally and me, too. Sally now brushes her hair without having to be told (at least I think so!) and she has become the greatest mom to her boys. It's surprising that crazy Sally has turned out to be such a wonderful woman. She still has that same joy and silliness that she had when you were around. And her boys knew how to make animal sounds and play with sticks before they even talked. But, you would be proud of her. A college degree, a God-fearing husband, and a love for Jesus that you prayed over us.
But, I still miss you. I still think of how I wish you had been here when I got married, found out I was pregnant, and at the hospital when the boys were born. I think of how I would've had to fight you out of spending the night in the NICU every night….and maybe even getting onto a nurse or two that upset me. I wish that you could've watched them come home, helped me with questions I had, and even spent a few weeks with Mom and me on bed rest. Oh the conversations we could've had! I wish you were here for birthday parties….we would have a lot more cake that way! And make sure everyone was celebrated. I hope we continue on your tradition. Making each and every child feel special for every occasion, just like you did. But, I think you are here. In spirit, you are here for all of it, I know. I miss your hugs, your talks, and you just being my best friend.
You were always someone I could turn to and knew that you would be there for me no matter, but I also knew that I could have to go get a switch out of the back yard if need be, as well. There are moments, I won't lie, that I cry and just ask for you to come back and be here. You are missed more than you know, and it is all aspects of you that are remembered.
As the years go by, it doesn't get any easier not having you here. But, the thing that keeps us all going is that we know that we will be reunited again. It will be a marvelous day on more than one accord. We anticipate the day we see Jesus and we see you. So, until that day, know we miss you, Granny. We all miss you. We love you and think of you often and how life would be with you here. Thank you for being such an example to me and everyone around you. I hope I make you proud.
Forever love you,
Lauren
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Identity to 11 months
Eleven months is coming upon us, and quickly. It is hard to believe that last year, at this time, I was on strict bed rest. And I am almost wishing I was back at that spot, just to get a good night's rest again! Haha. Also , it is a period of transition. I am reflecting over the past few weeks on my identity.
Some people have an instant "mom" identity when they have babies born. I was a bit different. I think that some of that had to do with the babies being in the NICU and some with my post-partum depression I dealt with. I feel like my attachment with my boys didn't come instantaneously and really has taken a long time to happen. I always thought that when I had babies I would be so selfish in holding them and not letting anyone get that extra second, but yet I have been the first to let them be held. It wasn't until I went back to work this second time that I became super attached to these kiddos. I'm not sure if it was the fact that the boys have gotten super clingy to me, or what. But my identity hasn't been that of a pure "mom" since they have been born. I finally have that identity. I finally have that role deep into me, and though people told me it would get easier going to work, it has become immeasurably hard to leave them each morning. My "mom" title has hit and hit hard and the "physician assistant" title has taken a far third or fourth running. Even today, when I heard from our nanny that Ayden had been crying inconsolably for some time, I broke as a Mom. It used to not be so heart-breaking to me, which I hate to say, but it's changed and now my heart breaks every time I hear something sad going on.
So, as I pick up writing this, again, it is the turn of being 11 months old. I got my "Facebook history" notification that one year ago today, I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor. It is crazy to think about this time a year ago. So much fear and anxiety surrounding these babies and their health. It is amazing what has come over the past year. These kids are something else.
Zachary is getting stronger by the day. He actually pulled himself up from a sitting position to standing this past weekend….I cried. He, also, has stopped pitching a full out temper tantrum when he goes to his stomach (and even puts himself in that position!). He moved a little bit "crawling" the other day with Alan….again, I cried. It is amazing how strong he is becoming as we work with him, daily. He loves to stand up and be like his brother. He is so proud of himself. He even knows how to turn around as he is sitting and scoot on his bottom. He is still the talker of the two. Babbles all day and night and still loves to make everyone laugh. He has been teething like crazy the past two weeks, chewing on EVERYTHING, but we have yet to see a tooth. Poor little buddy. He loves eating "table" food, even without teeth he does a pretty good job of getting it down. He is funny because he loves to pick out clothes. He gets so excited when I take him to his closet and he grabs the outfit he wants with the day and just grins.
Ayden is on the move and fast. He went from limited crawling last month to full force. He is into EVERYTHING. He loves to stand up on everything and pull up on everything. He has learned he can crawl out of the living room and that the kitchen and formal dining room have lots of goodies. He knows what he can and can't get into. He has, also, learned the meaning of the word "No" this past week and is a really good pouter when he is told it! I even experienced his first meltdown over it! He has been teething, as well, and this morning had his third tooth break through. He is still picky in eating, loves his fruit and veggies, but is very picky on consistency. He loves to growl at people and it is his form of communication. He has no bubble (like his Momma) and crawls all over his brother (much to Zach's chagrin) and everyone else. He, also, had his first busted lip this month…..mean bath tubs when you are trying to dance and get dried off.
They both have contagious grins and love to smile at everyone. They are both social babies and love being around people. They are loving the water and outside. I am hoping this continue to transfers to the love of the beach! They both are developing so quickly and it is just amazing to sit and watch them sleep and be able to hold them, when they let you. Time passes by way too quickly and I am trying to truly soak in every moment. I know when I blink, it will be their first birthday. Having these twins is truly a blessing. They have been the best gift that I have received. We just look forward to what God has in store for us here forward.
Some people have an instant "mom" identity when they have babies born. I was a bit different. I think that some of that had to do with the babies being in the NICU and some with my post-partum depression I dealt with. I feel like my attachment with my boys didn't come instantaneously and really has taken a long time to happen. I always thought that when I had babies I would be so selfish in holding them and not letting anyone get that extra second, but yet I have been the first to let them be held. It wasn't until I went back to work this second time that I became super attached to these kiddos. I'm not sure if it was the fact that the boys have gotten super clingy to me, or what. But my identity hasn't been that of a pure "mom" since they have been born. I finally have that identity. I finally have that role deep into me, and though people told me it would get easier going to work, it has become immeasurably hard to leave them each morning. My "mom" title has hit and hit hard and the "physician assistant" title has taken a far third or fourth running. Even today, when I heard from our nanny that Ayden had been crying inconsolably for some time, I broke as a Mom. It used to not be so heart-breaking to me, which I hate to say, but it's changed and now my heart breaks every time I hear something sad going on.
So, as I pick up writing this, again, it is the turn of being 11 months old. I got my "Facebook history" notification that one year ago today, I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor. It is crazy to think about this time a year ago. So much fear and anxiety surrounding these babies and their health. It is amazing what has come over the past year. These kids are something else.
Zachary is getting stronger by the day. He actually pulled himself up from a sitting position to standing this past weekend….I cried. He, also, has stopped pitching a full out temper tantrum when he goes to his stomach (and even puts himself in that position!). He moved a little bit "crawling" the other day with Alan….again, I cried. It is amazing how strong he is becoming as we work with him, daily. He loves to stand up and be like his brother. He is so proud of himself. He even knows how to turn around as he is sitting and scoot on his bottom. He is still the talker of the two. Babbles all day and night and still loves to make everyone laugh. He has been teething like crazy the past two weeks, chewing on EVERYTHING, but we have yet to see a tooth. Poor little buddy. He loves eating "table" food, even without teeth he does a pretty good job of getting it down. He is funny because he loves to pick out clothes. He gets so excited when I take him to his closet and he grabs the outfit he wants with the day and just grins.
Ayden is on the move and fast. He went from limited crawling last month to full force. He is into EVERYTHING. He loves to stand up on everything and pull up on everything. He has learned he can crawl out of the living room and that the kitchen and formal dining room have lots of goodies. He knows what he can and can't get into. He has, also, learned the meaning of the word "No" this past week and is a really good pouter when he is told it! I even experienced his first meltdown over it! He has been teething, as well, and this morning had his third tooth break through. He is still picky in eating, loves his fruit and veggies, but is very picky on consistency. He loves to growl at people and it is his form of communication. He has no bubble (like his Momma) and crawls all over his brother (much to Zach's chagrin) and everyone else. He, also, had his first busted lip this month…..mean bath tubs when you are trying to dance and get dried off.
They both have contagious grins and love to smile at everyone. They are both social babies and love being around people. They are loving the water and outside. I am hoping this continue to transfers to the love of the beach! They both are developing so quickly and it is just amazing to sit and watch them sleep and be able to hold them, when they let you. Time passes by way too quickly and I am trying to truly soak in every moment. I know when I blink, it will be their first birthday. Having these twins is truly a blessing. They have been the best gift that I have received. We just look forward to what God has in store for us here forward.
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