Transplant Day Take Two...

     The morning began around 6:30. I had the option of sleeping in later, since I was off today, but Alan actually had a test on his gallbladder and had to be up, so with my nerves, there was no going back to sleep. Alan left around 7:30 for his test, I made us call our voicemail once before he left to see if we had our message regarding our embryos and the unfreezing process. There was no message. So, he left, and I got busy. By 8:45, I had dusted the whole house, vacuumed, swept, straightened, cleaned carpets, started two loads of laundry, folded laundry, and finished packing for our upcoming trip. Girls gotta stay busy to keep her mind off things!

       Alan's test was to last two hours, so the fact our transfer was delayed an hour was actually a blessing. At 9:20, Alan text me to say part one was done and part two was starting, which lasted another hour......my stress level escalated....we needed to leave our house by 10:15 to get to the fertility clinic on time. Alan assured me we would be fine, but seeing as I had no message from our embryologist regarding our embryos yet, I had decided who knows if we needed to even leave to make it there. We were to get a voicemail by 9:30. 9:26 - no message. I was almost in tears. Called back at 9:29 and one new message. My stomach was in knots, my heart going 90 to nothing, and holding my breath. We had a successful unfreezing process. I started bawling and thanking God. He had provided His first miracles of the day.

     So, Alan made it home by 10:35. I was a stress case (for those of you who know me I am way anal about being places early and not late). I was ready and we hurriedly made it to the fertility clinic. I jumped out and Alan went to  park. They were calling our name as I ran in and by the time Alan got back to the surgery center, I had signed my consent form, taken my Valium (praying they actually worked this time since they doubled my dose) and changed into my beautiful hospital gown. 

       The embryologist came in and showed us the pictures of our babies -

Aren't they cute?? This is 6 day old unfrozen embryos...since usually the normal person doesn't get to see their babies at this time. 

So, after we saw our embryos, we met with our doctor, Dr. Eblen. I was so happy she was performing our transfer this time since I am so comfortable with her. I was definitely feeling relaxed at this point, which we were also happy about! 

     They wheeled me back with Alan in tow in his scrubs

      The transfer process wasn't as bad this time. I hardly felt a thing. She talked us through the whole process and Alan got to watch and see everything under ultrasound which he loved. We again received our first sonogram picture of their placement.

     After that, I had to lie for an hour with my feet elevated. Thankfully I didn't have to pee as badly this time! I actually fell asleep, I think. So we left for home and got much needed lunch on the way. Once we got home, I got in bed and Alan packed for our trip. I had to be on bed rest for the remainder of the day, which we got approval for it to be in the back of the car as we traveled to Georgia. I got a good 4 hours of sleeping in prior to the car ride and once we got to my parents, lying down was priority. 

   Overall, it was a lot less stressful than the first transfer. We left the next day for a family vacation and as long as I don't lift or exercise, I am good. 

     I have been cramping consistently, which is scaring me, but it hasn't changed in consistency even while in sleeping at night, so who knows. I'm trying to be calm and praying a ton for peace and for these babies to implant. If you could continue to pray with us. We know only our God can perform this miracle. 

Three days and counting....

Three days away. THREE DAYS!! To say I am not anxious would be a lie. I am, my nerves are hitting me, especially today. Maybe it is the fact I am home by myself this week and have an excessive amount of time to think about it, or it is that reality is hitting as the injections increase. I don't know, but it is here. My prayers have been for God to take full control and for Him to take my anxiety away. And believe me, y'alls prayers are being felt because I have been mostly calm.
      This round, I am not nearly as stressed as I was last cycle. I remember being UBER stressed last time at this same point. Not knowing when we were going to implant, my schedule with work, conflicts at work, and other drama surrounding me made me a balled up mess....and that doesn't even include the crazyness of hormones!! I am a lot calmer and like I said, a lot less stressed. But, I am still anxious about these embryos unfreezing. I pray and pray and ask you to pray and pray.
     I had three injections today. One in my stomach (only 2 more days of this one!!!!) and two in my buttocks. They hurt.....but I am getting used to someone else giving them to me. As long as someone else will keep giving them to me, I will be good to go! They make your gluteal muscles really, really sore. So, I have been going around limping because I can't walk right. It got better throughout the day....but if you notice me limping or wincing when I sit down or stand up, that is why. These injections continue through the transfer and if I get pregnant, then 8 - 10 weeks more of them.....I just remind myself, it is for a great reason.
     My mood this week has been irritable, but not too bad. I think I have snapped a few times, but I have quickly snapped out of it. I haven't cried at all compared to last cycle, which is super!
     And, I want to let you all know God works miracles. As of Sunday, I was ready to have surgery Monday on my neck because it hurt so badly and was back into my shoulder and arm. I prayed for a miracle and Monday I had not a single symptom and it was even an OR day. Today has been good, as well. So, just praying it continues!
      Anyway, three days. We check before 9:30 AM for results on our embryos unfreezing, so please continue prayers for this. Then, if they are unfrozen, we will implant at 11 AM central (so noon for all my east coast folks). Prayers are much appreciated and I so appreciate all of you. We will keep you posted!

Faith in the One That Counts.....

    So, where to begin. Last week, the new PA who was to take over the surgery portion of my job began. She lasted one day in the OR and decided to quit. To say disappointed in how she did it, is an understatement, but it seems I will be staying in the OR for now. My doctor and I have figured out a schedule to last into the new year and all will be good, I hope! But, just another example of how when I look forward to something, it doesn't happen. Not for a pity party, but just why I am so apprehensive about being excited or even optimistic about IVF working.
      Also, last week, I got an epidural in my neck for all my issues. The wonderfulness is...it has helped! Thankfully! I have stayed 80% pain-free since last Friday. Today in the OR was painful, but after some icing tonight, I seem to be doing well! This is a definite answer to prayers. My shoulder pain has almost completely gone away, but I seem to still have some numbness/tingling in my arm. Nothing I can't handle.
     So, back to the IVF stuff. I began injections of estrogen on Tuesdays and Saturdays. They are in the booty and not as bad as the progesterone from last cycle, but still not the most pleasant things in the world. I am continuing on my Lupron injections in the abdomen, which aren't bruising me so much this past week! Thankfully! So, today, I had my doctor's appointment for my blood levels and ulrasound. It went really well! My estrogen levels are  exactly where they want them and my lining is perfect, per the ultrasound. So, we are on target for our transfer next Friday.....omg, it is next Friday. That totally just hit me right this second as I typed it. Wow.
     So, today, I was given my instructions for the next few weeks. I start my third injection on Sunday. It is the progesterone injection which hurts like crazy. So, I will have my Lupron in my stomach and the progesterone in my buttocks every day, then estrogen on Tuesday and Saturdays. I am going to be honest. I am not looking forward to the buttocks injections every day. But, I will do what I need to do.
     We were given instructions for our implantation day, as well. We have to call by 9:30 in the morning to see if our embryos were able to unfreeze. I AM SO ANXIOUS about this part and not able to pray hard enough. I am trying my hardest to give this to God, but it is so hard. It is the deciding factor this time. I ask you to pray for these embryos and for me and my anxiety over this. My nurse practicioner is great and gave me encouragement about this today, but as I said above, I am so scared to be optimistic, because when I am things seem to go awry. So, I am focusing on today. And tomorrow, I will focus on tomorrow. And I will let God hold me and lead me to next Friday one day at a time.
      I'm guessing I am only going to get more emotional over the next week as my amount of hormones increase. So, please keep everyone around me in your prayers as they have to be patient with me and my antics. If you could please continuing praying for the embryos and the unfreezing process, my mindset and stress level, and for God to continue to surround this whole process and use it for His glory. It has gone by super fast this time. I am excited to see what the future holds. Until next time.....

Suppressed or Not Suppressed

Yesterday was my first appointment in this cycle. By this point last cycle, I had already gone to around 3-5 appointments for bloodwork and ultrasounds, so to have yesterday as a first, was very weird! It, also, has made things a lot less stressful! I still don't fully feel like I am even in the midst of a fertility cycle. Besides the bruising of my stomach.....it has gotten a lot worse this time then last and I look like I am wearing a constant black belt across the front of my abdomen, it hasn't been so bad! The actual injections don't hurt too badly. I did finally feel the suppression of my hormones this past Friday, but I haven't been crying uncontrollably like last time, I just have a very short fuse and feel like I am in a constant bad mood.
      So, back to my appointment. It was the suppression check which checks to make sure my estrogen is depleted and my uterus and ovaries aren't preparing for ovulation. So, blood work and the wonderful ultrasound it was! Had to get used to that again. Then, had an appointment with my nurse practicioner for a physical. Waited until my 3:00 pm voicemail and was told I am beautifully suppressed! So, that means we are on track so far! I got to decrease my injection that suppresses everything and start estrogen injections tomorrow......I am afraid my mood swings are going to start!
      Also, yesterday, I got to book our transfer date and time!!!! If everything goes as planned, we get to transfer December 13 at 11:00 AM. So many prayers are much appreciated up until that time and at that time. I still have another round of blood work and ultrasounds to go to fully determine if we get that date AND we are praying the embryos come out of freezing.
       The biggest problem right now, though, is my neck. It has been getting worse, unfortunately. I am trying not to take any medications, even Tylenol or Aleve, just to see if I can handle it. If y'all could please pray for a miracle healing there with it. I have had constant pain into my shoulder from it and pain down my arm and I have not been able to sleep through the night at all this week. So, needless to say, something needs to change so I can even proceed with the transfer. The new PA starts in the OR later this week, so hopefully that will help me get the rest I need from it and enough for my herniation to heal a little.
      Anyway, this is long enough. The next appointment is December 2, so may not update until then. Please just continue to keep us in your prayers throughout this process.

A Needle a Day

      So, the initial injections began today! Well, injection. Lupron injection is the first to begin. This is the injection which suppresses all of my hormones and made me the craziest last time (i.e. crying over the dust on my furniture plus everything else in the world). These injections go into the abdomen and are small needles, so not too bad. Alan and I were actually talking last night of how this process is so much more laid back. It doesn't even feel like we are in the middle of another cycle yet! In the last cycle, I was so worried about doing everything perfectly and so into each step, I think I was overwhelmed. With this cycle, it hasn't been so rule oriented so it is much more laid back. Besides birth control and daily vitamins, life hadn't changed until today.
      So, I woke up and got ready for my injection and psyched myself up for it. Remembering the pain of the "big needles" into my gluteal muscles, this injection is nothing! That's what I told myself, at least. Injections are never fun, but it wasn't too bad and I had my typical allergic reaction to the injection but it went away.
      Also today, we had to have our consents signed and turned in. So we signed for declining genetic counseling, because upon reading on it, at that point I think it is taking a little more control in the process than we should be allowed as humans. So, my embryos aren't the "perfect" ones that some may think, they still have a chance of having learning disabilities or genetic abnormalities. We prayerfully decided we wanted to make the choices that were least invasive and along the lines of what my body would do naturally in making a baby or not. We, also, had to sign our consents for the whole procedure again, which is always fun too.
      So, we have officially begun the suppression portion. I take these injections by themselves until next Tuesday when I have to go into the office for a suppression check. If I am suppressed, then I get to start on other injections. So, we will see! But, until then, it is happy poking....and hopefully not too much crying!

Faith

Faith - being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see - Hebrews 11:1

Faith - assurance that God's promises will never fail, even if sometimes we do not experience their fulfillment in our mortal existence.

Faith - confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1 NLT

One thing that I have found division in with IVF is the question with if Christians should even do it. I have been told by some that if God has not allowed me to have children naturally, I should accept this because it is His sign I shouldn't have a child of my own and move on. I have been asked why I didn't first run to the choice of adoption as He says that we should care for orphans. I have been told that this is allowing science to rule instead of God. But, I think that the thing that has hurt the most is saying that I shouldn't be allowed to try IVF because God has not allowed me to get pregnant naturally.

     So how does faith play into IVF? Well, I put it simply. Science cannot create a life no matter how much they are involved. GOD CREATES LIFE. He develops each cell and each embryo. He makes the decision if they implant and if a pregnancy occurs. That has nothing to do with science. If anything, this has only STRENGTHENED my relationship with God and showed me how He is so involved in each step.

      My answer to those that have a problem with IVF. If you had a cancer diagnosis, a cold, the flu, an ear infection, or any other medical issue, would you not seek out medical treatment? If you did seek medical treatment and used the science we have and resources we have in this day and age, would someone question your faith in God to heal? I simply believe not. It is an accepted decision to seek medical advice and treatment for any ailment and God has blessed us with these resources.

     So why question my faith in what God can do and His miracles because I choose to try to conceive a baby through the resources God has provided? It will still be that much of a miracle if it does work. I have assurance that God gave me this HUGE desire in my heart to conceive a child of my own with the faith that HE will make it happen. His grace is enough. His way is enough.

     I only pray my faith will not faulter if I do not ever become pregnant with my own child. But I do have the faith He has somthing great planned. Something far greater than I can ask or imagine.

     So I hope you see, faith is the center of this journey. Not my faith in science or myself, but my faith in God. And to those people that say anything different, I ask that you check yourself at the door. Do not judge me or my faith. My heart has a desire that God has placed in me to proceed with this method. He has placed a blanket of peace over Alan and me. And He has grown me more in the past 6 months than I have grown in many years. His grace is sufficient. He comforts those in need. He carries us through trials and tirbulations. He has a Will far greater than anything we can imagine. And for that I have faith in my God.

We're at it again.....

So, we begin again....the time has come to start our frozen embryo cycle. I actually was worried we wouldn't be able to begin it because of our travel schedule in December, but it looks like we will make it just in the knick of time!

      So, what are we doing?? Well, first step begins today. Alan and I get to take a round of antibiotics (to make sure that we don't spread any germs back and forth) and I get to start my month long birth control! I actually have spent the past few days paying for our cycle and paying for my meds. Though I know injections are coming, I am so excited about ordering all of it! I am excited for this cycle! 

     So, birth control for this month and I get to begin my injections in 17 days. That's when the fun begins, until then it is pretty boring. 

      I ask for prayer during this time. Y'all are such prayer warriors for me and I covet them and Alan covets them more than you know. We can both tell you that God is our strength and the only way we have been able to face this process. We ask you to specifically pray for our embryos. Pray that they are prepared adequately and that they survive our unfreezing process in December. Pray that God protects them and provides them with what they need. And also, begin praying for me, as my body transitions into one that is accepting of these embryos. Pray that they implant and that we are able to carry these embryos. 

       Like I said in my previous post, this one is live this time. So my raw emotions are true to moment and so are my prayer needs. Thank you for your love and support and we will keep you posted!

A Kink in the Plan.....

So, we have prayed and prayed and seeked and have found peace in proceeding with our frozen cycle this year. We wanted to allow me to have a regular cycle and then start again after that. Then, a kink was thrown in our plans.....

    Last December, I began having some pain in my shoulder and it bothered me enough that I couldn't carry my purse on my right side. It got somewhat better but bothered me every once in awhile. It began bothering me again this summer and just happened that we joined a group in our practice that had an ortho shoulder guy. So I asked him his thoughts. Diagnosed with a torn rhomboid muscle but he said he thought it might have something to do with my neck too. I did some stretches and it improved. About a month and a half ago it got HORRIBLE. It began going down my arm and I couldn't sleep for days and I started having numbness in my hands. Told my doc, and after 2 weeks of persuasion, he convinced me to have an MRI. His response to my MRI "Holy crap how did you do that?" And "if my neck looked like your's, I would be in bed crying." Needless to say, I had a huge herniated disc in my neck. He and I talked and we know the only solution to my problem is surgery to fix it. But both of us don't want to do this. So, what to do.....

    I've been on steroids and muscle relaxers and now antiinflammatories and thankfully we have a wonderful physical therapist in our office who has been working with me. It has helped a lot actually. But we have the thought...do we proceed with the frozen cycle or do we proceed with surgery? We are praying about it and have been. 

       So, I have decided that I'm going to suck it up. I have tried to stay off aleve  and see how I am. As long as I am not I  the OR, my symptoms aren't as bad. Being in the OR this week, I have hurt more than usual and I can't feel my right arm and have pain into my shoulder. But, I know my days in the OR are limited and I think I will be good off anti-inflammatories if I am not in the OR. It's like God worked his perfect timing in my office hiring a new PA to work in the OR for me and all of this happening. 

      So now, we are ready to just get pregnant!!!!! We will let you know when it begins! It's just a waiting game for the moment.....and it will all be live this time, I can't give up all the prayers and support from  you!

So What Now??

Well, we finally went to the fertility clinic to discuss why our cycle didn't work, what's the next step, and what our options are. Alan and I were both nervous going in but prayed through it. By this time, I am so much more relaxed and at peace with this whole process. I think that my mental/emotional breakdown and prayers of everyone has put me at a really good place.
     My doctor, Dr. Eblin, came into the room and began with condolences. We told her we appreciated it, but we were okay and honestly, I wasn't lying. We are okay with it. Do we wish it happened, yes, but do we trust in God's goodness, yes. So, I digress. She started going through our chart with us and the details of how she looked at our whole process. My labs - perfect, my eggs - perfect, my uterus - perfect, the embryo - great graded (because none are perfect in medicine's eyes). She looked up and said, "I honestly can't tell you why it didn't work."
      So, what's next? We still have two frozen embryos. She suggests we start there. There is a 70% chance that each will "dethaw" and we won't know until we go in for implantation. The good part is, I don't have to take as many injections and I will not have to have my ovaries stimulated which means for a healthier/happier pelvic region. It takes just as long, but I won't have to go into the doctor as much and have as many tests. Also, it is more flexible to when we have to go in for implantation which means I can actually plan and prepare!
    So when do we do this? Well, as soon as we want! But, she suggested to let me be emotionally ready and mentally ready. Which, any week prior to this, I definitely wasn't. We, also, found out this process doesn't cost as much, which means it won't take as long to save up for it! But foremost, we need to do it when God calls us to. And when we feel He has given us the peace to begin. And honestly, I'm not feeling rushed to start back into it.
     With the frozen embryo cycle, as they call it, there is only a 40% chance of implantation, so slightly less than a fresh cycle. They would implant both of the embryos if they survive the unfreezing process. Dr. Eblin stated that both her children were frozen babies, which was encouraging.
     I feel more at peace with this process. Alan said that he saw such a different attitude and peace about it in my face and that encouraged him. I guess, I know kinda what to expect now, and I have a different perspective. I went into the first one confident it would work and in this one, I am confident God's plan will work, even if we don't get pregnant again.
     And the inevitable, what we do if this doesn't work.....well, we have to start the whole process over like I did last time. We pray that we don't have to do that! But, we accept if we do. So, I have to go do one test before I can start. And we really aren't sure when we will begin because, like I said, I feel no rush. But, we will keep you posted! Prayers much appreciated!

The Truth

So, to be honest, I posted in a delayed fashion my blogs throughout our IVF process. I wrote everything as I was going through it, but waited to publish them. My thought, if it worked and I became pregnant, by the time we got to that part in the story, I would be far enough along to announce I was pregnant and not have to worry about the miscarriage risk and if it didn't work, I would have time to deal with this.
      Unfortunately, it didn't work. And honestly, I have needed the time to mourn and work through not being pregnant. Reading through my thoughts on the process as I went has been therapeutic, though sometimes reading it is hard too.
      The shock of it not working and dealing with that the first weekend was fair. I actually didn't cry like I thought I would, though trust me I cried. I spent the weekend with Mom, Dad, and Alan and our friends the Carrs at home, so was quite busy and entertained! It wasn't until the next week, it hit. And depression hit. Once you come off all of those hormone injections, your body continues to go crazy and I was an emotional wreck and quite depressed.
      Then, the inevitable happened. I was surrounded with people who announced their pregnancy. Sucker punched is probably the closest way to describe this feeling. I felt guilty for being upset that other people were pregnant. And honestly, one of my best friends who announced it did an amazing job of talking to me about it and I am so excited for her. A family member was even kind enough to call me prior to telling the remainder of the family to let me know she was pregnant......but then there was a kicker.....she was exactly how many weeks pregnant I would've been. Her due date the same that mine would have been.....and at that moment I became upset, hurt, confused, angry, struggled with being okay and why would God allow this? Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for her and the baby growing inside of her and her ability to be pregnant naturally.
     I fell apart that day. I lay in the bed and sobbed. I couldn't understand, I didn't understand. I screamed at God and asked "Why?" I let it all out and let Him know exactly every raw feeling I was having. And honestly, I truly mourned and let every pent up feeling out that day. I didn't play happy and like I was okay. And just got it out. I needed that. My heart needed it. And honestly, I think it helped. I hadn't grieved through it fully. I was reminded at that time that God does have a plan. He has my perfect plan. And someone very wise told me, "None of my children would be who they are and where they are if they were born one minute, one month, or one year sooner than when they were." And that brought perspective. I don't think I was truly upset about anyone else being pregnant, but needed to get out my stresses and feelings of this not working, my work, and the death of my precious Ford. God didn't make us to keep our emotions inside and suppress them, He wants us to come to Him with them.
     The family announcement came and I would lie to say it wasn't difficult. But, I am happy for her. Then, a young girl at work announced she was pregnant, accidentally and unexpectedly. I cried then too, but it was short lived, still stung. I think that it is truly Satan trying to get me to doubt and be bitter towards not being pregnant. But, I pray and I remember, God is in control and HIS PERFECT TIMING is what I am waiting on. It may never happen, but then again it may.
      We continue to seek His Will and I will NOT let bitterness into my soul.

We are.....

Well, today was the BIG day! We went in for our HCG levels to find out if we were pregnant or not. Didn't seem real to me that it was finally here and we became so anxious last night to get the results!

    So, I woke up at 4 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Just prayed and tried to fall back asleep. I went to the fertility center and got my blood taken. They let me know that I would probably have the results back around lunch and it would be on our voicemail. The LONGEST four hours! I incessantly kept checking our voicemail box all morning as Alan text me "any messages yet?" Along with it. Finished my morning in clinic and went to the hospital to round on patients. As soon as I got to the hospital, checked the voicemail ehich told us we had a message....so I ran back to my car and drove to Alan's work because we wanted to listen to it together. 

      So, we sat in the car and called in and listened "Hi Mrs. Swartwood, I am calling about your test results from this morning and I really hate this but I regret to inform you, your test came back negative." STING TO THE HEART.....tears rolling down both our cheeks and I started sobbing.

   I honestly feel like I have lost two babies. I saw pictures of our embryos, there was an ultrasound picture, I prayed over them......what did I do wrong? Was I too stressed? Did I lift something I shouldn't have? I obeyed all the rules and have done everything they have told me! What is wrong with me?????? 

    Here's the answer.....it's not in God's timing yet. It's not about anything other than that. Can I be sad, yes. Can I grieve, yes. Can I wonder why, yes. But can I be bitter at God, no. Can I focus only on it didn't work, no. I look ahead at the future and what He has planned for our life. 

   We still have two embryos that are frozen and we plan to try again. We don't know when but we are going to try again. We are going to pray for God's leading and timing with this. So, we thank you for your prayers thusfar and ask you continue to pray for us. 

Not Feeling Pregnant....

I don't know what it feels like to feel pregnant, but we are still awaiting our pregnancy test and a week out from our transfer, and I don't feel any different. At first I felt bloated and crampy, but now it is just back to normal. Don't get me wrong....my ovaries are still hurting, but other than that, well, I am "normal." I know it is all in God's will and His timing and I don't need to be anxious about this. Alan says I over analyze things....it's hard being in my position and not analyzing.
    In this process, you become UBER aware of every normal and abnormal feeling of your body. You can feel every organ, every cramp, every weird thing. Being in medicine and knowing a lot about anatomy and processes too, makes it even harder to ignore symptoms. So you analyze. Is that cramping from my ovaries hyperstimulating? uterus contracting? implantation taking place? losing embryos? But the thing is, you can't let these thoughts overpower you.
    It has been a hard week this week. Alan and my parents have been on me like crazy to be calm, not stress, and relax, relax, relax. With work, the relaxation point is out. There have been some other situations, as well, that have caused some excess stress on my body. We have just been praying that these haven't effected implantation. And my emotions are crazy, so of course being calm isn't the easiest emotion! We are praying fervently.
     They tell you after the transplant that you may spot which is normal during implantation.....I haven't had that.....they said it doesn't always happen, but it scares me it hasn't. My hormone levels drastically dropped between my first and second hormone check since my transplant and that scares me. The thing is, I have to have faith. God knows what is happening. God has a plan. And me worrying and over-analyzing isn't getting me anywhere but more stress and not relying on my Savior.
    So, we continue to wait for the pregnancy test.....just a little while longer and we will know. Praying for His will and name to be praised!

The Big Day.....Implantation

So, we have waited almost 6 long weeks to be at this day! It's what all of the medications, injections, blood tests, and ultrasounds have led us to and wow, it's ACTUALLY HERE!!! We woke up extra early, I felt like it was Christmas morning. The instructions were that I couldn't urinate for 2 hours prior to the procedure because I needed a full bladder, so my first priority was to do that as much as I could prior to those two hours.....I have the world's smallest bladder. We prayed over the day before we left and headed to the surgery center at the fertility center. Asking Alan previously if he was going to go back with me if it was an option, he said "no" because he doesn't do too well with watching things and felt he might pass out. Well, he didn't get an option.....his scrubs were ready as soon as we got to our room lying right beside my gown....
        So, first thing was the embryologist to come and talk to us about our embryos. We had two ready to transfer and one they were going to freeze that day. 6 more they were watching but were unsure of what they were going to do, so we would find out tomorrow how many we get to freeze total. We were shocked out of 25 eggs and 10 fertilized eggs we had so few embryos. But, our prayer has been we have the perfect amount of embryos we need.     At that point I was allowed to take my Valium, since that was my "relaxation" medicine of the day. The doctor came in to talk to us and make sure we were aligned on the transfer amount and then we were to "let the games begin!" The cool thing was that we saw pictures of our embryos that they were implanting. So, we waited for the Valium to take effect.....I'm supposed to be loopy and relaxed......well, I am as my mother calls it "a hard drunk" when it comes to medications. And though I have never taken Valium before and it was a high dose, it didn't even effect me. I wasn't stressing and felt at peace, but definitely not "relaxed" as they wanted me to be. So.....we were off to the OR! Alan in tow....

Once we were in the OR, the embryologist came in with our embryos in an incubator. She told Alan to come over and he got to look through the microscope at them......SO COOL AND SO UNFAIR! It is just no doubt that God is in control of creation and how amazing the forming of life is! He said they had changed a little from the picture. So, we waited for the doctor and I was bladder full.
   Dr. Hill came in and got us ready. It was probably the most uncomfortable portion of any of this process so far. Because the muscle relaxer had not effected me and I wasn't loopy, I felt everything. I just clinched Alan's hand and tried not to cry or come off the table. That was just the prepping portion. And an ultrasound pushing down on a full bladder isn't the most fun of sensations! But the procedure itself was very quick and I only felt a pinch, so it wasn't bad. Then bam, the embryologist said the tubing was clear and we were implanted! Alan and I looked at each other in amazement!
We even got an ultrasound picture.....which we only pray is the first of many...

 Circled is the placement of the embryos.

So, now we just wait. And Pray. And Pray. And Pray. We will find out by blood tests then confirm with ultrasound a few weeks later. But right now is bed rest....two days of it to be exact. It's kinda nice having Alan and Momma waiting on me! We just pray over these embryos. Each has a 50% chance of implanting and we just hope that one of them does. So, the next news will be letting you know! Until then, I will continue my injections and start on another oral hormone. Until then, we pray.

So Surreal.....

This whole process has been surreal, but it has become even more surreal over the past few days since our retrieval and the fertilization process. Most people become pregnant the old fashioned way, finding out four or so weeks later they are pregnant....never even thinking about the daily process from fertilization to embryo. IVF participants on the other side know each minute detail of the process. I have learned more about fertility going through this than in PA school! Which hormones are needed for each stage of egg making, maturation, ovulation, and implantation is just the start on what we've learned.
      So, we got a call on the day after our egg retrieval to let us know that we had officially 22 eggs retrieved and under half of them fertilized. They were still in the "fertilized egg" period at that time. So, we hurry up and waited for the next phone call. Our lives for those few days consisted of awaiting phone calls. We prayed continuously and anxiously awaited our next news. We both had a peace throughout this waiting period as we prayed God provided us with exactly the number of embryos we need.
      I was still cramping up until today, about 2 days after my retrieval, and the anesthesia wasn't the nicest to me (still feeling some of those effects!). Another new thing that started on retrieval day was the start of steroids and antibiotic and a new injection. Thankfully Alan has been home this week and is able to give me this injection! It is in my gluteal region (alternating sides each day) and is for progesterone which is a hormone that helps with the lining of your uterus and keeps the embryo implanted and the placenta forming. If I become pregnant from this process, I have to continue these for approximately 10-12 weeks. Another thing about these injections......they make you SORE!!! So sitting isn't my favorite activity! Haha.
     So, today, day 2, we received a second phone call from the lab...."most" of the fertilized eggs had progressed to 2 days embryos....which means 4 cells. We needed this to keep us on our day 5 transfer. Why does that matter you ask? Well, the day 5 embryo tells you a little bit more about the embryo itself. They grade them on an A to F scale and try to only place the ones most likely to be viable back in utero or freeze for future use. Even with "A's" though, we only have a 50% chance that this procedure will result in a pregnancy. So, the message was very vague which I didn't like.....but we knew it was coming.


       Each day, we look at our picture/information sheet and think of what process our embryos are supposed to be forming. It is kinda weird (okay not kinda but really) that there are these embryos forming but I'm not pregnant yet, and I have no clue if I will even have a viable pregnancy. And it amazes us even more how God is so awesome and detail oriented that he has how a baby is conceived as miraculous as it is!!!
       So, our next news is the morning of our embryo transfer. They will give us how many embryos we have, their grades, and discuss with the doctor how many embryos we will transfer. We are continuing to pray for our embryos, my womb, and our decisions. We want this to work so badly and know God has His perfect plans. So until the next time.....

Like a Puppet with Strings

Life in IVF is like being a puppet with strings. You aren't yourself, you aren't in control of yourself. Your natural hormone cycle isn't in control, your natural response isn't there. Everything is controlled by doctors looking at every aspect of you and deciding what and when things need to be done. You are either ingesting or injecting different hormones or hormone suppressors into your body and those bring on all kinds of fun side effects. All this to say......you become crazy!
     The biggest thing you need when you start IVF is a very UNDERSTANDING and COMPASSIONATE partner. Along with that, surround yourself with a close knit group to pray for you and people who understand if you snap their head off because a minor thing in life went wrong that it isn't personal and please don't react. Thankfully, for the most part, I have had these things. I couldn't ask for a better husband who has consoled me on countless occasions as I lay crying because of dust, busyness, someone hurting my uber sensitive feelings, scheduling of tests being array, and the list goes on.....if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have made it through (not that we are through yet). My boss says I have had a lot less of a filter and a lot more emotion throughout this, he has never seen of me....I told him welcome to the real me, haha. I think even he is scared of me on most days! (which I'm not proud of....)
      So, saying all of this to say....if you know someone who is going through this, please be patient with them. Love them a little more. Bite your tongue a little harder. And make them feel as if all is okay in the world because if not, tears that may cause a torrential flood of Noah's day may be ahead of you!
    Thank you to all of the people who have put up with me over the past few months because I couldn't be here without you.

Retrieving

        I'm going to be quite honest about today, so details and complaints insue for those of you who don't want to read further. I have committed myself to being quite honest and open with exactly what we are going through because I don't believe enough people do this and a lot of people don't know what to expect when they are going through this. That being said....we begin.
       The morning began earlier than my alarm clock due to cramping. The "trigger" injection is HCG (the pregnancy hormone) which makes you ovulate 36 hours after the injection (as I said in my previous post). This meaning your muscles in your ovaries start cramping once the time gets close. Yesterday was actually my first non-cramping, non-bloated feeling in over a week, which was exciting, but then it returned full force this morning. So, we got up and headed our way into the surgery center at the fertility clinic. The fertility clinic we use has the ultimate best staff and doctors. They do nothing but make you feel calm and answer any and all questions. We parked, Alan prayed, and we entered into the center. I had an overwhelming peace this whole morning and never once got nervous. God's presence was definitely surrounding us.
      Once we got checked in, they had me gown up, sign consents, and get my IV. Alan and I had such a great mood around us, the nurses told us we were having way too much fun and way too relaxed for this. We knew it was a total God thing. The doctor who performed the procedure wasn't my usual doctor, but he was so nice and I felt comfortable with him, as well. So, kissed Alan good-bye and they gave me the good drugs. For egg retrieval, you are given anesthesia which is pretty much conscious sedation (no tube down your throat). I remember them wheeling me back and telling me to change tables, after scooting over, I have no recollection of anything else. I barely remember the doctor talking to me afterward and once I woke up, I freaked out thinking Alan and I had overslept and missed the whole thing!
      Woke up feeling okay but a little groggy and cramping a lot. They had the medicine handy. The embryologist came in to let us know that they retrieved 25 eggs! Way beyond what we expected! We were told the exact number of mature eggs are unknown, but we should find out tomorrow. As well as, the eggs will be fertilized tomorrow and we will see how many turn into embryos. We are praying the perfect amount!
       Once that was completed, we began getting ready to go home. I was feeling fine until that point and once I stood up I got majorly nauseated. They gave me some medicine for the nausea which didn't really help and by the time we went by the pharmacy and returned home, I was sick. The majority of the day was spent trying to become not nauseated and keep the cramps under control. Right now, I am still drugged and feeling slightly less nauseated. The fun of anesthesia. Alan has taken wonderful care of me and I have been unable to get up except going to the bathroom.....which is a hard feat of itself for those who know me!
       So the next step is waiting....there is a lot of that in this process! We most likely get to transfer in 5 days and it is then waiting game again! Will keep you posted. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!

Pull the trigger

So, after a frustrating day of being pushed back, I had a reality check and accepted God's timing. Yesterday, I got to go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork. The results sounded good on my ultrasound while I was there, but had to await my bloodwork. Was quite anxious for my 3:30 voicemail. So, it came and stated we were ready for our "trigger" injection! I was so excited and called Alan immediately (we were both at work still) and we celebrated over the phone.
     Last night was the night for the injection, which was different than previous injections. It included two syringes of medication, one on each side of my abdomen. We were given a specific time to give the injections because it is exactly 36 hours later I ovulate, which means they have to retrieve the eggs at 35 hours. The injections burned some, but weren't too bad. I had been cramping all day and it seemed to ease that down some. So, we are triggered and on our way to egg retrieval!
      This morning, I had to return to the doctor's for more bloodwork and my plan. Got the instructions for tomorrow.....no injections today!! So, tomorrow is the one day I get to get knocked out with anesthesia for the retrieval. They have given me the spill that they are a little more concerned about hyperstimulation ovarian syndrome with me because of my diagnosis and some of my blood levels, so we are praying that doesn't happen because it would prohibit us from proceeding further with the embryo transfer and I could get really sick. We ask for prayers regarding that.
   We are excited about this next week but very prayerful too. Only God can get us through this and we know He is carrying us through this which makes it easier. He continues to give us a peace.
    My hormones haven't been so bad this week either.....Alan is hoping this continues through if I get pregnant! We pray for that too! Until the next time....thank you for your continued prayers!

Frustration

      So, frustration has hit....I went into the doctor's office today for what I assumed would be my last ultrasound and bloodwork before we went in for retrieval. Well, come to find out it wasn't. My fast growing follicles decided to slow down over the weekend and they are wanting me to wait another day. You may say, one day and you are frustrated? Well, yes....because I had a plan! Another way for God to show me I haven't learned my patience lesson or His timing. Never said I was a quick learner, and I am so glad God has the patience to handle me! My friend Nikki encouraged me today with what we like to now call ourselves (she can take total credit for this) soon to be former control freaks. We've started a club. And hopefully the soon to be will be sooner rather than later!
       So, I cried this morning. I tried to keep it in until I got into the car and called Alan. See, the day we were supposed to go in for retrieval was already an "off" day for me for work, pushing it back a day meant I had to cancel a full day of clinic and meant there was no chance for us to have implantation of our embryos on the weekend....which means more time off work.....wasn't my last post on me not worrying about work???? So, Alan, after hearing me ramble my issues, reminded me breathing is good, our future with children is our number one priority, and I needed to calm down and not worry about work. Some things are beyond our control. After about 10 minutes of crying, hormones and things out of my control (or not going my way) is not a good combination, Alan had me calm enough to head onto my days activities.
       I have noticed a lot of cramping lately, which is normal for the fact that both of my ovaries are HUGE! It is not exactly the most fun thing and doesn't hurt, just is uncomfortable. It worsens with activity, too, which is probably why I'm not supposed to exercises or lift!
    So, I get to go tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work and will find out if I get to proceed with my retrieval just one day pushed back. I think both Alan and I are anxious for this portion to get here because it is what we've been working toward the whole time! So, I pray and pray that I don't get frustrated and don't let me emotions get the best of me. I just have to remember, in God's timing everything is perfect.....

Flexibility

FLEXIBILITY is probably one of the biggest challenges in IVF. Those of you who know me, know that I am a planner. One lesson God has continuously tried to teach me is that I need to lean on Him for HIS plan, not my own. This process has been another trying lesson in leaning on Him for His plan and allowing my stress level to not go through the roof when I can't tell people at work what my schedule looks like the next week.
      The way in vitro fertilization works, especially when you are on the injection portion, is that blood work and ultrasounds done every other day tell you what your next step is. Your injections, dosaging, days to come in, whether the procedure can continue or be cancelled is all dependent on that one day's results. You call your little voicemail at 3:30 PM every afternoon and get your plan for the next day, then you go into the office every other morning and the same process continues. Initially, we thought my retrieval would be at one point, which would have been very convenient as my doctor was on vacation that week, but now it looks to be later and I will miss work with a very busy surgery day and a working doctor. Hence, my stress level shoots through the roof. I try not to inconvenience people, I try to make my schedule work with everyone else's, and I try not to offend people.....a weakness in this regard. It's hard to be flexible as a working woman especially in neurosurgery. So, I'm learning. And one thing I am praying for and working on daily this week is changing my mindset. Not only towards flexibility, but towards making this situation my number one situation and not work. Taking what is good for me and hopefully a future baby into account over other people's feelings. Man is it hard! Especially when you are emotionally labile to begin with!
     I've been praying a lot extra this week on this subject and these verses have been my prayers in regards to our in vitro fertilization process and in regards to work:
   Phillipians 4:6-7 - ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
   Matthew 6:34 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
   Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
    Matthew 11:28 - 30 - Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

It is so neat to see how memory verses from when I was young continue to come into play for my lowest moments. Praying these verses brings such peace and I know He is in control of my future. He will give me the answers on work when the time comes, but today, I need to focus on today, not what tomorrow brings. So, I think of my injections and my time with my husband relaxing and enjoying what we have today. I need to rejoice in this moment and this opportunity. Give myself the flexibility to enjoy today and give God the future.

Transitioning

So, the first big day came for me to go to the doctor and make sure my medicines were working. It was my "big day" of a complete physical, blood work, and ultrasounds. On top of that, they did a "trial embryo" transfer to see exactly how they needed to go about the real thing. I can say, I was nervous. And EMOTIONAL. I didn't know whether it was just me or my wonderful Lupron injections that had me crying.....but for the past 3 days I had spilt into tears on several occasions about the most minute things.......bawling over the fact my furniture was dusty, for example. But I digress.....there are so many people and different types of situations that sat in those waiting rooms with me and I got to hear some of their stories, and I cried and I prayed. I want every single one of us to come out pregnant.
      The poking and prodding wasn't too bad. I got the results of my blood work and ultrasound by the end of the day and it was just as we wanted (and were hoping), I am suppressed! Which is exciting, because it means we are on to the next step, but scary none-the-less because it means we are on to the next step! What is the next step you may ask? Well, of course it would be no more than adding in an injection. Now, as Alan would tell you , I should be excited because I got the needle that I wanted, haha. Oh the small things in this process that we get excited about! Actually, when he had woken up from his procedure, after he found out we had what we needed, his words were....and you have the needle you want! I think he is more excited about my injection device than me!
     So, we started Lupron in my abdomen every morning and our FSH injection in my abdomen every night. My poor little abdomen is full of needle marks, but it is worth it. We do this injection for 4 days and I return to the doctor for more blood work and an ultrasound. The FSH is to stimulate my ovaries to make multiple eggs. So, in 5 days I return to see if it is doing its job and they will adjust my doses accordingly. Then 2 days after that I return again for the same thing and 2 days after that. If they are well stimulated, well....that means next week we get to retrieve and implant! It has gone by really fast!
     Also, since I began my FSH injection, it means I am no longer allowed to exercise or lift greater than 10 pounds! Woohoo! Also, I have to eat like I am pregnant.....so no more sushi or glasses of wine. So, it is just hitting us harder and harder each transition state. It is kinda neat. And besides my labile emotions, everything is going smoothly so far! It is amazing how God has made me so calm through this and truly able to trust Him. He has answered prayer after prayer. I know that without Him, I would not be able to go through this. What an awesome God we serve.
    So, I will keep you posted as the transition continues....only a few steps left!

Step one down

   So step one, birth control, is officially over! I think Alan is more excited about this because he is hoping my emotionally liable state was due to the birth control. I was told I lost my "processing" trait and went straight to emotion. We hope that is over, anyway! It went REALLY fast. Actually, ALL of this is going by super fast! Alan and I were looking at the calendar tonight and realized in two weeks we will possible be retrieving my eggs. Two weeks!!

       So, I've been reading a lot of infertility blogs lately that friends have sent me. It is so encouraging to read other people's journeys and see their faith in God throughout. The one thing I have seen missing from these blogs is the process of IVF. So, I am kinda glad I am including the specifics as I blog because I had no idea what to expect!

      So, I am continuing on my Lupron shots still. I have come to have an allergic reaction to the injections. They itch really badly and turn red for about 30 minutes and it goes away. Of course I called to make sure this was okay, and it is. 

      I go Friday for my trial embryo transfer and suppression check. What this entails is an ultrasound to make sure I am not producing anything (hence the birth control and Lupron suppressing it all) and make sure my ovaries are ready to be stimulated for the next 2 weeks. They will also do all the ground work for going in as they will when they do the embryo transfer. It's a "dry run" as they say. Plus get the wonderful history and physical and more blood work. They said the appointment should take 2-3 hours, so I am taking my first morning off work....this also starts me off on adding in injections for the process. AND it means I have to start my no exercising rule!!!! Pretty much, they said at this point on Friday/Saturday I have to act as if I am pregnant. 

      On that note, I have successfully dropped my caffeine consumption to 50 mg a day....HUGE FEAT!!! And I have, almost, cut out diet colas....another big feat! Now if the headaches from it would cease!

    Well, this has gotten long enough.....I will blog more later on. And, last but not least, we are continuing to ask for prayers and looking to God's will on this. He has gotten me through all of my emotionally distraught episodes thus far and is ever patient with me having to continuously give this to Him. To God's glory be!

Shots, shots, shots shots shots shots.....

   This saying had a whole different meaning on our honeymoon to Turks and Caicos (I actually think we heard this moniker way too much across the whole resort and would stop to watch what concoction they had fixed up then).

  

Now, this moniker explains my life over the next many weeks.......so we got all the supplies for the shots in the day after Alan's procedure

Might not look like a ton to you, but those three bags of needles make my stomach churn! But, it meant it was real and we are truly starting! 

     So this week began injections and of course Alan was out of town on day one which made my nerves crazy! So read, re-read, watched videos, and more videos on the instructions (cause even being in medicine you want to make sure it is right and not used to injecting yourself! Especially on something so important)! So, opened the medication, filled the needle, alcohol on my stomach, and pinch....open needle, breathe, and breathe again.....and again.....attempt to go towards stabbing myself.....fail, breathe again

Ok...I can do it....stuck myself and injected the goods (Lupron first). Burned a little and took it out. HOLY COW how am I going to do that every morning????

So, I went on my way and looked down, 

Bruised.....well, at least I'll know where I injected prior and not use the same site! And that ended day 1 of injections.....

     Day 2, Alan was home and wanted to watch me inject so he could do it to me tomorrow....I was freaking out because I didn't want it to hurt again. May I go into tangent that I have the most wonderful and calming husband. He sat there and talked to me and then said, "Go" just do it and not think it is yourself....well, I did it and it didn't hurt or burn!!! So day 2 was a success. I think it is all because of Alan's talking to me and calming me and distracting me. Too bad he travels so much while I have to do these! So we are onto day 3 tomorrow and continuing. That's our journey thus far and we'll keep you posted as it goes....Alan's just glad his part is done. Until next time...

32 Million!!!

    What a day! Yesterday was Alan's "Big Day!" We learned a HUGE lesson in when Alan has a procedure (and something I should already know NOT to do being in the medical profession) that we need NOT do! Googling the procedure or probably procedures prior to having it done (the night before)  and watching the video is NOT a good idea!! There was all types of anxiety on his part. We made it through, though.....just note taken!
    So our day began bright and early as we made it to the fertility center surgery center. We had the best nurses work him up and try to make him feel relaxed. Then, the urologist came in......he went through what he would do, what might have to happen (scalpel freaked Alan out even more), and that he has no gaurantees for us. To say we felt like we were failing before he even started was an understatement.
    So, they doped him up with all the good drugs....he was knocked out solid. And the waiting game began, my nerves were through the roof and I was praying the whole time while I had a wonderful friend/family member, Misty, there to take my mind off things. We talked and before we knew it the urologist came out to get me. I was so nervous! He looked at me and said "We got an all-star amount!" I don't think that I will ever forget those words! He hugged me and led me back to Alan. He was still knocked out.
     I was so excited and when he first opened his eyes he looked at me and asked how it went. I told him we got an all-star amount, whatever that meant. We both broke down in tears. Prayers were answered. We are continuing on our journey for a biological baby!
     It took about another hour for him to fully wake up and be ready to leave the surgery center, which meant I had to go to work before he got to go home. Misty was the life saver of the day and took him home. He spent the day resting and is back to "normal" today.
     We prayed specifically for more than 10 sperm, because we were told that is how many we needed.......Alan asked the count from the time he woke up until after I left......he was given his count.....32 million......God gives abundantly more than we ask or expect!!
      So, now we continue onto the next step.....my injections are being delivered today and we start them next week. We are proceeding cautiously and so excited and nervous at the same time. We continue to give this to God, but we feel such blessing at this moment we are rejoicing again and again. With God for us, who can be against us? I know who stands before me, beside me and behind me and He will continue throughout this process.

The First Steps......

So, our journey has begun. It is quite scary and unbelieveable! Alan and I keep looking at each other and saying "Is it really here? Are we really doing this?" And the answer is, YES! So, we keep on keeping on. I can say the NUMBER ONE thing I have had to do being the control freak that I am is constantly, and I mean constantly, praying to God to give it all to Him. I am learning this slowly but surely!
   So the journey begins with me having to take birth control for the first month. Birth control and me haven't always been the best of friends. Let's just say, my mother has made me trade them due to the fact I get more emotional (which we all know is dangerous!). I have been on the birth control for a week, so far, and I can say that it only has minimally effected my emotions (I've only cried extra about 4 different times, haha). Pray for Alan and everyone close to me that they survive this part!
    The first part of Alan's journey begins tomorrow. Well, I guess we can say it began a few weeks ago. They gave us recommendations of vitamins and supplements for him to take to help with, well, his "boys." So, he began a very detailed regimen of taking these. Let's preface this with, Alan isn't good with taking pills. So, while he is home, I hear counting.....1....2....3...4...5...6...7....8...9. It's quite humorous on my end, but poor thing. So, that leads to his true beginning tomorrow. I might have to have him guest blog about his procedure later on, but he is not looking forward to it. Alan is having to have a procedure for sperm retrieval due to some things that we have tried previously not working out. He is put under general anesthesia (which I tell him is a huge plus) and then they go in to retreive the goods. I guess no man really looks forward to people getting near them! But I digress.....this is probably where we have most anxiety and where we have to pray the most on giving it to God. Every other test we have performed has shown us exactly on my part what I have and don't have. On Alan's part, it has been blood test that tell us that things should be there, but we have no visual proof until the procedure tomorrow. Anxiety, YES! Knowing God is in control and I shouldn't be anxious, YES! Praying to live that, YES! Pretty much, once we get through tomorrow, we will have our answer on whether we are proceeding to have a biological child or if we have to change our direction in acheiving a family. We are praying for the first.
      We believe God is good in all things and all situations. We trust that He is doing what is best for us. In the meantime, we are just praying His will be done and that we will have what we need tomorrow. Until next time, with hopefully a great update......

Admiration

I admire you. Yes, you. Women who are unable to conceive naturally. Who have a desire to be pregnant and try everything under the sun without successfully carrying a child in utero. I admire your strength, courage, and determination. I admire your wisdom you gain through this process. I admire how you handle heartache on a daily occasion.
      I never truly thought of these women and their hardships until I was brought to this stage of my own. HOW SELFISH HAVE I BEEN??? Yes, I know plenty of women in this predicament and am even so blessed to call many of them friends. I have prayed alongside them, for them, and with them for children. But to truly feel their pain, I have not been successful in placing myself in their spots. And I am sorry for that. Your hearts were and are sensitive and I apologize for not being sensitive to that.
     I know many of these mothers who are now adoptive parents and are overly thrilled with that blessing that God has given them, but still, I know there is still a longing to carry a child. We, as women, have a responsibility (not only from God but His calling for us to others) to place ourselves in the shoes of the suffering. I fail this on a daily basis. Yes, these children that they have now adopted and called their own are no different than if they had their own, but there is still a sensitivity towards being pregnant. So, convicting myself, I call us to think of things we say to women in this position prior to saying/doing them. We need to encourage each other, pray for each other, and place ourselves in the other's shoes. Be honest with each other, I have found this to bring the most sanity to  me thus far! Pretending to be happy and jovial is way too much work, so having people we can be honest and open with is such a blessing!
     Thank you to those before me who have gone through infertility and taught me things. Thank you for being open with me and giving me a glimpse into your heart. Women who go through this are stronger than I ever could imagine and I admire your strength. You carry on and continue to praise God through it all. You give everyone hope who is in your shoes.

Overwhelmed.....

So, we attended our Fertility Class last week which was overwhelming to say the least! The class consisted of two portions, a group setting with other couples who are going to be starting this process and an individual session. So we began, we were educated on all of the medications we could possibly be placed on....holy cow. We then were taught how to inject these medications correctly. Thankfully, having experience in this, it wasn't so bad....Alan did a great job of learning, though we didn't actually inject ourselves. After the medications were covered, we went through our rules of what we can and can't do over the cycle process and into pregnancy. Let's go with the hardest things Lauren learned:
   1. Caffeine reduction to 50 mg a day. (I had a Diet Mountain Dew worth over 100 mg sitting in from of me for my "morning" drink). This will be a dramatic change that I am starting to wean myself off of as we speak (since I think it may be a long process!). It was quite humorous because Alan and I had coffee and Diet Mountain Dew while every other couple had water.....
   2. Once I begin injections I cannot exercise anymore, not even a brisk walk. Now, I was quite excited about this part because most people know I loathe running, so an excuse was music to my ears! Which also means that I need to get on it now so that I can handle not exercising and not gaining anymore weight! It was quite humorous because the lady beside me was upset beyond words she would not be able to exercise (I was like "OMG, not that serious."). She was more upset than I was about caffeine! haha.
   3. Pelvic rest......3 months of it......look it up. They don't tell ya that part.

So, once we had that covered, we went on to more and more information about each day of the cycle and the schedule of blood work, ultrasounds, and transfers. It was all OVERWHELMING! We then had to go through paperwork for decisions we wanted to make concerning genetic counseling, freezing of embryos, placement of embryos, etc. Lots to decide about!

    So after we completed that information, we met with an IVF nurse, she went over our individual plan, asked when we would like to begin, and answered some further questions. She was the teacher of the class and when she found out I was in the medical field apologized for the class being so simple.....my eyes got big, I was like, um, there was nothing simple about that! Even us medical people don't know the ins and outs of infertility!
  
   So the journey continues, we are making our final decisions and I probably will not be posting as much in detail as some things I want to keep private and don't want to expose our exact cycle until it is completed. I am going to continue keeping track and will be posting the process after we are completed. That being said, we ask for prayers over the next several months as we make our decision of when to begin this process, the process itself, and its outcome. We want God's will to be done in this and His grace to be upon us. Until next time.....

Pre-requisites.....

     So, before you can even start the process of fertility treatments you have a load of plentiful pre-requisites. It feels like a never ending list and I just see $$ and wonder why some of them are even necessary. I guess that is the bad part of me knowing too much in the medical field.
     So, this past week, we had a meeting with the urologist for Alan's consultation. I think we are a go, though he probably is the most confusing doctor I have ever met....football and fraternity analogies aren't for me! The other fun appointment we had last week was for a hystersalpingogram. What a fun word is that??? I like saying the word better than the test itself. This is the one test that I think is senseless but hey, gotta do what I gotta do. So, I was told to come with someone and be expected to be sedentary for 2 hours after and have someone drive me home. My doctor even told me I could have the day off....so, onto the procedure. Alan went with me, though I told him I would be okay. It was actually not that bad of a procedure, though people had forwarned me otherwise. Alan went back with me and I think he was in more pain watching it than I was having it done. So, I felt fine afterward and decided I am wonderwoman, hahaha, and could go to work. Let's just say the afterward symptoms were worse than the whole procedure and seeing patients in clinic then going to a 4 hour brain surgery isn't really what I should've been doing! But, overall it wasn't that bad. So, it came back normal and we are onto the next steps.
        After these two appointments, I'm not going to lie, I have gotten nervous. The reality of this process is here. It isn't an idea of "what we are going to have to do" it is what we are doing. Thankfully in being vocal about this I have seen several people who have gone through this too with great stories, I just am praying our's ends up the same. Heck, I am still praying for a miracle in the next 2 weeks so we don't have to do it! But, in all this, I still have a peace from God we are doing the right thing. I have to remember that Satan wants me to worry and wants me to doubt. Plenty of prayer and family/friend support has helped for sure.
    So in the next few weeks we get to perform more pre-requisites, plenty of blood work, and we take the IVF class. Looking forward to that part because then the actual process can begin! No more pre-reqs! Anyway, that is the latest.......let the ride continue.

A Time Of Change

     So, it has almost been two years since I blogged, which I feel I have been a slacker. A lot has changed since then. I went to Australia (which is where we were when I last blogged) and had a blast, started dating my wonderful husband, got a job in neurosurgery, and got engaged. Then 3 short weeks later we eloped to Charleston to get married before I moved up to Nashville where we are now settling. It has been a ride and I have been taking it all in and what feels like running through life! It is amazing how quick the time passes and that we have already been married a year! It is the most wonderful blessing God has given me thusfar. Also, was blessed with the cutest nephew! He is my heart.
     So that catches up to now, and I am going to start blogging again, through this new journey in my life. One which I pray over and hope that helps others in my situation, as well as is some therapy for myself.
      So here begins, I was born wanting to be a mom. When my sister was born, my poor father had to stay up all night to make my "baby" a bassinet because I was a "mommy" too. I have always had the desire to be a mom and as others would tell you, I have had the maternal instinct. Growing up, I had my life planned. By the age of 26, I had it planned (written in my 12 year old journal) I would have at least 4 children and working on number 5 and 6. Their sex was planned, their names were planned, my husband was even planned. God had different plans. At the age of 26, I had friends with children who I adoringly called "my kids" and I value them and my relationships with them dearly. But something was missing, it wasn't the same as having a child to call "my own." My sister, who was never really into babies, had a baby last year. And to see her transformation as a mom and to see that precious baby even made me long for a baby moreso.
   So, Alan and I were married. He has two children of his own and I became a "Step-Mom." It was a really hard transition. They were 18 and 19 at the time and already adults. But adjusting to being a step-mom of adults is different than that of young kids. Alan and I knew from the beginning of our relationship we wanted kids of our own. So, we decided 5 months after we were married to start trying. Both of us having an inkling suspicion of our own, it wasn't going to be easy. After 5 months of trying, I went to my OB/GYN who agreed we needed to be seen by the fertility clinic. Wow, those frightful words that I had so desperately not wanted to hear. So, we set up our meeting for a consultation and on we went. Our doctor is amazing (and it probably helps that I have medical knowledge as well) and she explained so many things. We have been poked and prodded and diagnosed with things that I never wanted to hear. But, there was a peace throughout this meeting and these tests. We were told, unless a miracle happens, we won't be able to conceive a child naturally. We were counseled on IVF and given our options and our plan of action. I will admit, I cried but God filled me with peace in those moments. So we prayed and are still praying. First, that a miracle takes place, but second that God will keep a peace around this situation if it is meant to be.
    So, this is my new journey in life. I am going to blog as I may on our journey down the IVF/fertility trail. We haven't begun yet and have some more pre-requisite testing to perform (oh how I feel like I am in college and applying for grad school again with these pre-reqs) but the road has begun. I know it will be rough at times and Alan and I both aren't excited about what lies ahead with hormones! But in the end, God has a plan and we are only wanting to follow Him.
    We thank you for your prayers, in advance, and in allowing me to share my journey with you.