Faith in the One That Counts.....

    So, where to begin. Last week, the new PA who was to take over the surgery portion of my job began. She lasted one day in the OR and decided to quit. To say disappointed in how she did it, is an understatement, but it seems I will be staying in the OR for now. My doctor and I have figured out a schedule to last into the new year and all will be good, I hope! But, just another example of how when I look forward to something, it doesn't happen. Not for a pity party, but just why I am so apprehensive about being excited or even optimistic about IVF working.
      Also, last week, I got an epidural in my neck for all my issues. The wonderfulness is...it has helped! Thankfully! I have stayed 80% pain-free since last Friday. Today in the OR was painful, but after some icing tonight, I seem to be doing well! This is a definite answer to prayers. My shoulder pain has almost completely gone away, but I seem to still have some numbness/tingling in my arm. Nothing I can't handle.
     So, back to the IVF stuff. I began injections of estrogen on Tuesdays and Saturdays. They are in the booty and not as bad as the progesterone from last cycle, but still not the most pleasant things in the world. I am continuing on my Lupron injections in the abdomen, which aren't bruising me so much this past week! Thankfully! So, today, I had my doctor's appointment for my blood levels and ulrasound. It went really well! My estrogen levels are  exactly where they want them and my lining is perfect, per the ultrasound. So, we are on target for our transfer next Friday.....omg, it is next Friday. That totally just hit me right this second as I typed it. Wow.
     So, today, I was given my instructions for the next few weeks. I start my third injection on Sunday. It is the progesterone injection which hurts like crazy. So, I will have my Lupron in my stomach and the progesterone in my buttocks every day, then estrogen on Tuesday and Saturdays. I am going to be honest. I am not looking forward to the buttocks injections every day. But, I will do what I need to do.
     We were given instructions for our implantation day, as well. We have to call by 9:30 in the morning to see if our embryos were able to unfreeze. I AM SO ANXIOUS about this part and not able to pray hard enough. I am trying my hardest to give this to God, but it is so hard. It is the deciding factor this time. I ask you to pray for these embryos and for me and my anxiety over this. My nurse practicioner is great and gave me encouragement about this today, but as I said above, I am so scared to be optimistic, because when I am things seem to go awry. So, I am focusing on today. And tomorrow, I will focus on tomorrow. And I will let God hold me and lead me to next Friday one day at a time.
      I'm guessing I am only going to get more emotional over the next week as my amount of hormones increase. So, please keep everyone around me in your prayers as they have to be patient with me and my antics. If you could please continuing praying for the embryos and the unfreezing process, my mindset and stress level, and for God to continue to surround this whole process and use it for His glory. It has gone by super fast this time. I am excited to see what the future holds. Until next time.....

Suppressed or Not Suppressed

Yesterday was my first appointment in this cycle. By this point last cycle, I had already gone to around 3-5 appointments for bloodwork and ultrasounds, so to have yesterday as a first, was very weird! It, also, has made things a lot less stressful! I still don't fully feel like I am even in the midst of a fertility cycle. Besides the bruising of my stomach.....it has gotten a lot worse this time then last and I look like I am wearing a constant black belt across the front of my abdomen, it hasn't been so bad! The actual injections don't hurt too badly. I did finally feel the suppression of my hormones this past Friday, but I haven't been crying uncontrollably like last time, I just have a very short fuse and feel like I am in a constant bad mood.
      So, back to my appointment. It was the suppression check which checks to make sure my estrogen is depleted and my uterus and ovaries aren't preparing for ovulation. So, blood work and the wonderful ultrasound it was! Had to get used to that again. Then, had an appointment with my nurse practicioner for a physical. Waited until my 3:00 pm voicemail and was told I am beautifully suppressed! So, that means we are on track so far! I got to decrease my injection that suppresses everything and start estrogen injections tomorrow......I am afraid my mood swings are going to start!
      Also, yesterday, I got to book our transfer date and time!!!! If everything goes as planned, we get to transfer December 13 at 11:00 AM. So many prayers are much appreciated up until that time and at that time. I still have another round of blood work and ultrasounds to go to fully determine if we get that date AND we are praying the embryos come out of freezing.
       The biggest problem right now, though, is my neck. It has been getting worse, unfortunately. I am trying not to take any medications, even Tylenol or Aleve, just to see if I can handle it. If y'all could please pray for a miracle healing there with it. I have had constant pain into my shoulder from it and pain down my arm and I have not been able to sleep through the night at all this week. So, needless to say, something needs to change so I can even proceed with the transfer. The new PA starts in the OR later this week, so hopefully that will help me get the rest I need from it and enough for my herniation to heal a little.
      Anyway, this is long enough. The next appointment is December 2, so may not update until then. Please just continue to keep us in your prayers throughout this process.

A Needle a Day

      So, the initial injections began today! Well, injection. Lupron injection is the first to begin. This is the injection which suppresses all of my hormones and made me the craziest last time (i.e. crying over the dust on my furniture plus everything else in the world). These injections go into the abdomen and are small needles, so not too bad. Alan and I were actually talking last night of how this process is so much more laid back. It doesn't even feel like we are in the middle of another cycle yet! In the last cycle, I was so worried about doing everything perfectly and so into each step, I think I was overwhelmed. With this cycle, it hasn't been so rule oriented so it is much more laid back. Besides birth control and daily vitamins, life hadn't changed until today.
      So, I woke up and got ready for my injection and psyched myself up for it. Remembering the pain of the "big needles" into my gluteal muscles, this injection is nothing! That's what I told myself, at least. Injections are never fun, but it wasn't too bad and I had my typical allergic reaction to the injection but it went away.
      Also today, we had to have our consents signed and turned in. So we signed for declining genetic counseling, because upon reading on it, at that point I think it is taking a little more control in the process than we should be allowed as humans. So, my embryos aren't the "perfect" ones that some may think, they still have a chance of having learning disabilities or genetic abnormalities. We prayerfully decided we wanted to make the choices that were least invasive and along the lines of what my body would do naturally in making a baby or not. We, also, had to sign our consents for the whole procedure again, which is always fun too.
      So, we have officially begun the suppression portion. I take these injections by themselves until next Tuesday when I have to go into the office for a suppression check. If I am suppressed, then I get to start on other injections. So, we will see! But, until then, it is happy poking....and hopefully not too much crying!

Faith

Faith - being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see - Hebrews 11:1

Faith - assurance that God's promises will never fail, even if sometimes we do not experience their fulfillment in our mortal existence.

Faith - confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1 NLT

One thing that I have found division in with IVF is the question with if Christians should even do it. I have been told by some that if God has not allowed me to have children naturally, I should accept this because it is His sign I shouldn't have a child of my own and move on. I have been asked why I didn't first run to the choice of adoption as He says that we should care for orphans. I have been told that this is allowing science to rule instead of God. But, I think that the thing that has hurt the most is saying that I shouldn't be allowed to try IVF because God has not allowed me to get pregnant naturally.

     So how does faith play into IVF? Well, I put it simply. Science cannot create a life no matter how much they are involved. GOD CREATES LIFE. He develops each cell and each embryo. He makes the decision if they implant and if a pregnancy occurs. That has nothing to do with science. If anything, this has only STRENGTHENED my relationship with God and showed me how He is so involved in each step.

      My answer to those that have a problem with IVF. If you had a cancer diagnosis, a cold, the flu, an ear infection, or any other medical issue, would you not seek out medical treatment? If you did seek medical treatment and used the science we have and resources we have in this day and age, would someone question your faith in God to heal? I simply believe not. It is an accepted decision to seek medical advice and treatment for any ailment and God has blessed us with these resources.

     So why question my faith in what God can do and His miracles because I choose to try to conceive a baby through the resources God has provided? It will still be that much of a miracle if it does work. I have assurance that God gave me this HUGE desire in my heart to conceive a child of my own with the faith that HE will make it happen. His grace is enough. His way is enough.

     I only pray my faith will not faulter if I do not ever become pregnant with my own child. But I do have the faith He has somthing great planned. Something far greater than I can ask or imagine.

     So I hope you see, faith is the center of this journey. Not my faith in science or myself, but my faith in God. And to those people that say anything different, I ask that you check yourself at the door. Do not judge me or my faith. My heart has a desire that God has placed in me to proceed with this method. He has placed a blanket of peace over Alan and me. And He has grown me more in the past 6 months than I have grown in many years. His grace is sufficient. He comforts those in need. He carries us through trials and tirbulations. He has a Will far greater than anything we can imagine. And for that I have faith in my God.

We're at it again.....

So, we begin again....the time has come to start our frozen embryo cycle. I actually was worried we wouldn't be able to begin it because of our travel schedule in December, but it looks like we will make it just in the knick of time!

      So, what are we doing?? Well, first step begins today. Alan and I get to take a round of antibiotics (to make sure that we don't spread any germs back and forth) and I get to start my month long birth control! I actually have spent the past few days paying for our cycle and paying for my meds. Though I know injections are coming, I am so excited about ordering all of it! I am excited for this cycle! 

     So, birth control for this month and I get to begin my injections in 17 days. That's when the fun begins, until then it is pretty boring. 

      I ask for prayer during this time. Y'all are such prayer warriors for me and I covet them and Alan covets them more than you know. We can both tell you that God is our strength and the only way we have been able to face this process. We ask you to specifically pray for our embryos. Pray that they are prepared adequately and that they survive our unfreezing process in December. Pray that God protects them and provides them with what they need. And also, begin praying for me, as my body transitions into one that is accepting of these embryos. Pray that they implant and that we are able to carry these embryos. 

       Like I said in my previous post, this one is live this time. So my raw emotions are true to moment and so are my prayer needs. Thank you for your love and support and we will keep you posted!

A Kink in the Plan.....

So, we have prayed and prayed and seeked and have found peace in proceeding with our frozen cycle this year. We wanted to allow me to have a regular cycle and then start again after that. Then, a kink was thrown in our plans.....

    Last December, I began having some pain in my shoulder and it bothered me enough that I couldn't carry my purse on my right side. It got somewhat better but bothered me every once in awhile. It began bothering me again this summer and just happened that we joined a group in our practice that had an ortho shoulder guy. So I asked him his thoughts. Diagnosed with a torn rhomboid muscle but he said he thought it might have something to do with my neck too. I did some stretches and it improved. About a month and a half ago it got HORRIBLE. It began going down my arm and I couldn't sleep for days and I started having numbness in my hands. Told my doc, and after 2 weeks of persuasion, he convinced me to have an MRI. His response to my MRI "Holy crap how did you do that?" And "if my neck looked like your's, I would be in bed crying." Needless to say, I had a huge herniated disc in my neck. He and I talked and we know the only solution to my problem is surgery to fix it. But both of us don't want to do this. So, what to do.....

    I've been on steroids and muscle relaxers and now antiinflammatories and thankfully we have a wonderful physical therapist in our office who has been working with me. It has helped a lot actually. But we have the thought...do we proceed with the frozen cycle or do we proceed with surgery? We are praying about it and have been. 

       So, I have decided that I'm going to suck it up. I have tried to stay off aleve  and see how I am. As long as I am not I  the OR, my symptoms aren't as bad. Being in the OR this week, I have hurt more than usual and I can't feel my right arm and have pain into my shoulder. But, I know my days in the OR are limited and I think I will be good off anti-inflammatories if I am not in the OR. It's like God worked his perfect timing in my office hiring a new PA to work in the OR for me and all of this happening. 

      So now, we are ready to just get pregnant!!!!! We will let you know when it begins! It's just a waiting game for the moment.....and it will all be live this time, I can't give up all the prayers and support from  you!

So What Now??

Well, we finally went to the fertility clinic to discuss why our cycle didn't work, what's the next step, and what our options are. Alan and I were both nervous going in but prayed through it. By this time, I am so much more relaxed and at peace with this whole process. I think that my mental/emotional breakdown and prayers of everyone has put me at a really good place.
     My doctor, Dr. Eblin, came into the room and began with condolences. We told her we appreciated it, but we were okay and honestly, I wasn't lying. We are okay with it. Do we wish it happened, yes, but do we trust in God's goodness, yes. So, I digress. She started going through our chart with us and the details of how she looked at our whole process. My labs - perfect, my eggs - perfect, my uterus - perfect, the embryo - great graded (because none are perfect in medicine's eyes). She looked up and said, "I honestly can't tell you why it didn't work."
      So, what's next? We still have two frozen embryos. She suggests we start there. There is a 70% chance that each will "dethaw" and we won't know until we go in for implantation. The good part is, I don't have to take as many injections and I will not have to have my ovaries stimulated which means for a healthier/happier pelvic region. It takes just as long, but I won't have to go into the doctor as much and have as many tests. Also, it is more flexible to when we have to go in for implantation which means I can actually plan and prepare!
    So when do we do this? Well, as soon as we want! But, she suggested to let me be emotionally ready and mentally ready. Which, any week prior to this, I definitely wasn't. We, also, found out this process doesn't cost as much, which means it won't take as long to save up for it! But foremost, we need to do it when God calls us to. And when we feel He has given us the peace to begin. And honestly, I'm not feeling rushed to start back into it.
     With the frozen embryo cycle, as they call it, there is only a 40% chance of implantation, so slightly less than a fresh cycle. They would implant both of the embryos if they survive the unfreezing process. Dr. Eblin stated that both her children were frozen babies, which was encouraging.
     I feel more at peace with this process. Alan said that he saw such a different attitude and peace about it in my face and that encouraged him. I guess, I know kinda what to expect now, and I have a different perspective. I went into the first one confident it would work and in this one, I am confident God's plan will work, even if we don't get pregnant again.
     And the inevitable, what we do if this doesn't work.....well, we have to start the whole process over like I did last time. We pray that we don't have to do that! But, we accept if we do. So, I have to go do one test before I can start. And we really aren't sure when we will begin because, like I said, I feel no rush. But, we will keep you posted! Prayers much appreciated!