So, I woke up at 4 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Just prayed and tried to fall back asleep. I went to the fertility center and got my blood taken. They let me know that I would probably have the results back around lunch and it would be on our voicemail. The LONGEST four hours! I incessantly kept checking our voicemail box all morning as Alan text me "any messages yet?" Along with it. Finished my morning in clinic and went to the hospital to round on patients. As soon as I got to the hospital, checked the voicemail ehich told us we had a message....so I ran back to my car and drove to Alan's work because we wanted to listen to it together.
So, we sat in the car and called in and listened "Hi Mrs. Swartwood, I am calling about your test results from this morning and I really hate this but I regret to inform you, your test came back negative." STING TO THE HEART.....tears rolling down both our cheeks and I started sobbing.
I honestly feel like I have lost two babies. I saw pictures of our embryos, there was an ultrasound picture, I prayed over them......what did I do wrong? Was I too stressed? Did I lift something I shouldn't have? I obeyed all the rules and have done everything they have told me! What is wrong with me??????
Here's the answer.....it's not in God's timing yet. It's not about anything other than that. Can I be sad, yes. Can I grieve, yes. Can I wonder why, yes. But can I be bitter at God, no. Can I focus only on it didn't work, no. I look ahead at the future and what He has planned for our life.
We still have two embryos that are frozen and we plan to try again. We don't know when but we are going to try again. We are going to pray for God's leading and timing with this. So, we thank you for your prayers thusfar and ask you continue to pray for us.
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