The Truth

So, to be honest, I posted in a delayed fashion my blogs throughout our IVF process. I wrote everything as I was going through it, but waited to publish them. My thought, if it worked and I became pregnant, by the time we got to that part in the story, I would be far enough along to announce I was pregnant and not have to worry about the miscarriage risk and if it didn't work, I would have time to deal with this.
      Unfortunately, it didn't work. And honestly, I have needed the time to mourn and work through not being pregnant. Reading through my thoughts on the process as I went has been therapeutic, though sometimes reading it is hard too.
      The shock of it not working and dealing with that the first weekend was fair. I actually didn't cry like I thought I would, though trust me I cried. I spent the weekend with Mom, Dad, and Alan and our friends the Carrs at home, so was quite busy and entertained! It wasn't until the next week, it hit. And depression hit. Once you come off all of those hormone injections, your body continues to go crazy and I was an emotional wreck and quite depressed.
      Then, the inevitable happened. I was surrounded with people who announced their pregnancy. Sucker punched is probably the closest way to describe this feeling. I felt guilty for being upset that other people were pregnant. And honestly, one of my best friends who announced it did an amazing job of talking to me about it and I am so excited for her. A family member was even kind enough to call me prior to telling the remainder of the family to let me know she was pregnant......but then there was a kicker.....she was exactly how many weeks pregnant I would've been. Her due date the same that mine would have been.....and at that moment I became upset, hurt, confused, angry, struggled with being okay and why would God allow this? Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for her and the baby growing inside of her and her ability to be pregnant naturally.
     I fell apart that day. I lay in the bed and sobbed. I couldn't understand, I didn't understand. I screamed at God and asked "Why?" I let it all out and let Him know exactly every raw feeling I was having. And honestly, I truly mourned and let every pent up feeling out that day. I didn't play happy and like I was okay. And just got it out. I needed that. My heart needed it. And honestly, I think it helped. I hadn't grieved through it fully. I was reminded at that time that God does have a plan. He has my perfect plan. And someone very wise told me, "None of my children would be who they are and where they are if they were born one minute, one month, or one year sooner than when they were." And that brought perspective. I don't think I was truly upset about anyone else being pregnant, but needed to get out my stresses and feelings of this not working, my work, and the death of my precious Ford. God didn't make us to keep our emotions inside and suppress them, He wants us to come to Him with them.
     The family announcement came and I would lie to say it wasn't difficult. But, I am happy for her. Then, a young girl at work announced she was pregnant, accidentally and unexpectedly. I cried then too, but it was short lived, still stung. I think that it is truly Satan trying to get me to doubt and be bitter towards not being pregnant. But, I pray and I remember, God is in control and HIS PERFECT TIMING is what I am waiting on. It may never happen, but then again it may.
      We continue to seek His Will and I will NOT let bitterness into my soul.