So What Now??

Well, we finally went to the fertility clinic to discuss why our cycle didn't work, what's the next step, and what our options are. Alan and I were both nervous going in but prayed through it. By this time, I am so much more relaxed and at peace with this whole process. I think that my mental/emotional breakdown and prayers of everyone has put me at a really good place.
     My doctor, Dr. Eblin, came into the room and began with condolences. We told her we appreciated it, but we were okay and honestly, I wasn't lying. We are okay with it. Do we wish it happened, yes, but do we trust in God's goodness, yes. So, I digress. She started going through our chart with us and the details of how she looked at our whole process. My labs - perfect, my eggs - perfect, my uterus - perfect, the embryo - great graded (because none are perfect in medicine's eyes). She looked up and said, "I honestly can't tell you why it didn't work."
      So, what's next? We still have two frozen embryos. She suggests we start there. There is a 70% chance that each will "dethaw" and we won't know until we go in for implantation. The good part is, I don't have to take as many injections and I will not have to have my ovaries stimulated which means for a healthier/happier pelvic region. It takes just as long, but I won't have to go into the doctor as much and have as many tests. Also, it is more flexible to when we have to go in for implantation which means I can actually plan and prepare!
    So when do we do this? Well, as soon as we want! But, she suggested to let me be emotionally ready and mentally ready. Which, any week prior to this, I definitely wasn't. We, also, found out this process doesn't cost as much, which means it won't take as long to save up for it! But foremost, we need to do it when God calls us to. And when we feel He has given us the peace to begin. And honestly, I'm not feeling rushed to start back into it.
     With the frozen embryo cycle, as they call it, there is only a 40% chance of implantation, so slightly less than a fresh cycle. They would implant both of the embryos if they survive the unfreezing process. Dr. Eblin stated that both her children were frozen babies, which was encouraging.
     I feel more at peace with this process. Alan said that he saw such a different attitude and peace about it in my face and that encouraged him. I guess, I know kinda what to expect now, and I have a different perspective. I went into the first one confident it would work and in this one, I am confident God's plan will work, even if we don't get pregnant again.
     And the inevitable, what we do if this doesn't work.....well, we have to start the whole process over like I did last time. We pray that we don't have to do that! But, we accept if we do. So, I have to go do one test before I can start. And we really aren't sure when we will begin because, like I said, I feel no rush. But, we will keep you posted! Prayers much appreciated!

The Truth

So, to be honest, I posted in a delayed fashion my blogs throughout our IVF process. I wrote everything as I was going through it, but waited to publish them. My thought, if it worked and I became pregnant, by the time we got to that part in the story, I would be far enough along to announce I was pregnant and not have to worry about the miscarriage risk and if it didn't work, I would have time to deal with this.
      Unfortunately, it didn't work. And honestly, I have needed the time to mourn and work through not being pregnant. Reading through my thoughts on the process as I went has been therapeutic, though sometimes reading it is hard too.
      The shock of it not working and dealing with that the first weekend was fair. I actually didn't cry like I thought I would, though trust me I cried. I spent the weekend with Mom, Dad, and Alan and our friends the Carrs at home, so was quite busy and entertained! It wasn't until the next week, it hit. And depression hit. Once you come off all of those hormone injections, your body continues to go crazy and I was an emotional wreck and quite depressed.
      Then, the inevitable happened. I was surrounded with people who announced their pregnancy. Sucker punched is probably the closest way to describe this feeling. I felt guilty for being upset that other people were pregnant. And honestly, one of my best friends who announced it did an amazing job of talking to me about it and I am so excited for her. A family member was even kind enough to call me prior to telling the remainder of the family to let me know she was pregnant......but then there was a kicker.....she was exactly how many weeks pregnant I would've been. Her due date the same that mine would have been.....and at that moment I became upset, hurt, confused, angry, struggled with being okay and why would God allow this? Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy for her and the baby growing inside of her and her ability to be pregnant naturally.
     I fell apart that day. I lay in the bed and sobbed. I couldn't understand, I didn't understand. I screamed at God and asked "Why?" I let it all out and let Him know exactly every raw feeling I was having. And honestly, I truly mourned and let every pent up feeling out that day. I didn't play happy and like I was okay. And just got it out. I needed that. My heart needed it. And honestly, I think it helped. I hadn't grieved through it fully. I was reminded at that time that God does have a plan. He has my perfect plan. And someone very wise told me, "None of my children would be who they are and where they are if they were born one minute, one month, or one year sooner than when they were." And that brought perspective. I don't think I was truly upset about anyone else being pregnant, but needed to get out my stresses and feelings of this not working, my work, and the death of my precious Ford. God didn't make us to keep our emotions inside and suppress them, He wants us to come to Him with them.
     The family announcement came and I would lie to say it wasn't difficult. But, I am happy for her. Then, a young girl at work announced she was pregnant, accidentally and unexpectedly. I cried then too, but it was short lived, still stung. I think that it is truly Satan trying to get me to doubt and be bitter towards not being pregnant. But, I pray and I remember, God is in control and HIS PERFECT TIMING is what I am waiting on. It may never happen, but then again it may.
      We continue to seek His Will and I will NOT let bitterness into my soul.

We are.....

Well, today was the BIG day! We went in for our HCG levels to find out if we were pregnant or not. Didn't seem real to me that it was finally here and we became so anxious last night to get the results!

    So, I woke up at 4 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Just prayed and tried to fall back asleep. I went to the fertility center and got my blood taken. They let me know that I would probably have the results back around lunch and it would be on our voicemail. The LONGEST four hours! I incessantly kept checking our voicemail box all morning as Alan text me "any messages yet?" Along with it. Finished my morning in clinic and went to the hospital to round on patients. As soon as I got to the hospital, checked the voicemail ehich told us we had a message....so I ran back to my car and drove to Alan's work because we wanted to listen to it together. 

      So, we sat in the car and called in and listened "Hi Mrs. Swartwood, I am calling about your test results from this morning and I really hate this but I regret to inform you, your test came back negative." STING TO THE HEART.....tears rolling down both our cheeks and I started sobbing.

   I honestly feel like I have lost two babies. I saw pictures of our embryos, there was an ultrasound picture, I prayed over them......what did I do wrong? Was I too stressed? Did I lift something I shouldn't have? I obeyed all the rules and have done everything they have told me! What is wrong with me?????? 

    Here's the answer.....it's not in God's timing yet. It's not about anything other than that. Can I be sad, yes. Can I grieve, yes. Can I wonder why, yes. But can I be bitter at God, no. Can I focus only on it didn't work, no. I look ahead at the future and what He has planned for our life. 

   We still have two embryos that are frozen and we plan to try again. We don't know when but we are going to try again. We are going to pray for God's leading and timing with this. So, we thank you for your prayers thusfar and ask you continue to pray for us. 

Not Feeling Pregnant....

I don't know what it feels like to feel pregnant, but we are still awaiting our pregnancy test and a week out from our transfer, and I don't feel any different. At first I felt bloated and crampy, but now it is just back to normal. Don't get me wrong....my ovaries are still hurting, but other than that, well, I am "normal." I know it is all in God's will and His timing and I don't need to be anxious about this. Alan says I over analyze things....it's hard being in my position and not analyzing.
    In this process, you become UBER aware of every normal and abnormal feeling of your body. You can feel every organ, every cramp, every weird thing. Being in medicine and knowing a lot about anatomy and processes too, makes it even harder to ignore symptoms. So you analyze. Is that cramping from my ovaries hyperstimulating? uterus contracting? implantation taking place? losing embryos? But the thing is, you can't let these thoughts overpower you.
    It has been a hard week this week. Alan and my parents have been on me like crazy to be calm, not stress, and relax, relax, relax. With work, the relaxation point is out. There have been some other situations, as well, that have caused some excess stress on my body. We have just been praying that these haven't effected implantation. And my emotions are crazy, so of course being calm isn't the easiest emotion! We are praying fervently.
     They tell you after the transplant that you may spot which is normal during implantation.....I haven't had that.....they said it doesn't always happen, but it scares me it hasn't. My hormone levels drastically dropped between my first and second hormone check since my transplant and that scares me. The thing is, I have to have faith. God knows what is happening. God has a plan. And me worrying and over-analyzing isn't getting me anywhere but more stress and not relying on my Savior.
    So, we continue to wait for the pregnancy test.....just a little while longer and we will know. Praying for His will and name to be praised!

The Big Day.....Implantation

So, we have waited almost 6 long weeks to be at this day! It's what all of the medications, injections, blood tests, and ultrasounds have led us to and wow, it's ACTUALLY HERE!!! We woke up extra early, I felt like it was Christmas morning. The instructions were that I couldn't urinate for 2 hours prior to the procedure because I needed a full bladder, so my first priority was to do that as much as I could prior to those two hours.....I have the world's smallest bladder. We prayed over the day before we left and headed to the surgery center at the fertility center. Asking Alan previously if he was going to go back with me if it was an option, he said "no" because he doesn't do too well with watching things and felt he might pass out. Well, he didn't get an option.....his scrubs were ready as soon as we got to our room lying right beside my gown....
        So, first thing was the embryologist to come and talk to us about our embryos. We had two ready to transfer and one they were going to freeze that day. 6 more they were watching but were unsure of what they were going to do, so we would find out tomorrow how many we get to freeze total. We were shocked out of 25 eggs and 10 fertilized eggs we had so few embryos. But, our prayer has been we have the perfect amount of embryos we need.     At that point I was allowed to take my Valium, since that was my "relaxation" medicine of the day. The doctor came in to talk to us and make sure we were aligned on the transfer amount and then we were to "let the games begin!" The cool thing was that we saw pictures of our embryos that they were implanting. So, we waited for the Valium to take effect.....I'm supposed to be loopy and relaxed......well, I am as my mother calls it "a hard drunk" when it comes to medications. And though I have never taken Valium before and it was a high dose, it didn't even effect me. I wasn't stressing and felt at peace, but definitely not "relaxed" as they wanted me to be. So.....we were off to the OR! Alan in tow....

Once we were in the OR, the embryologist came in with our embryos in an incubator. She told Alan to come over and he got to look through the microscope at them......SO COOL AND SO UNFAIR! It is just no doubt that God is in control of creation and how amazing the forming of life is! He said they had changed a little from the picture. So, we waited for the doctor and I was bladder full.
   Dr. Hill came in and got us ready. It was probably the most uncomfortable portion of any of this process so far. Because the muscle relaxer had not effected me and I wasn't loopy, I felt everything. I just clinched Alan's hand and tried not to cry or come off the table. That was just the prepping portion. And an ultrasound pushing down on a full bladder isn't the most fun of sensations! But the procedure itself was very quick and I only felt a pinch, so it wasn't bad. Then bam, the embryologist said the tubing was clear and we were implanted! Alan and I looked at each other in amazement!
We even got an ultrasound picture.....which we only pray is the first of many...

 Circled is the placement of the embryos.

So, now we just wait. And Pray. And Pray. And Pray. We will find out by blood tests then confirm with ultrasound a few weeks later. But right now is bed rest....two days of it to be exact. It's kinda nice having Alan and Momma waiting on me! We just pray over these embryos. Each has a 50% chance of implanting and we just hope that one of them does. So, the next news will be letting you know! Until then, I will continue my injections and start on another oral hormone. Until then, we pray.

So Surreal.....

This whole process has been surreal, but it has become even more surreal over the past few days since our retrieval and the fertilization process. Most people become pregnant the old fashioned way, finding out four or so weeks later they are pregnant....never even thinking about the daily process from fertilization to embryo. IVF participants on the other side know each minute detail of the process. I have learned more about fertility going through this than in PA school! Which hormones are needed for each stage of egg making, maturation, ovulation, and implantation is just the start on what we've learned.
      So, we got a call on the day after our egg retrieval to let us know that we had officially 22 eggs retrieved and under half of them fertilized. They were still in the "fertilized egg" period at that time. So, we hurry up and waited for the next phone call. Our lives for those few days consisted of awaiting phone calls. We prayed continuously and anxiously awaited our next news. We both had a peace throughout this waiting period as we prayed God provided us with exactly the number of embryos we need.
      I was still cramping up until today, about 2 days after my retrieval, and the anesthesia wasn't the nicest to me (still feeling some of those effects!). Another new thing that started on retrieval day was the start of steroids and antibiotic and a new injection. Thankfully Alan has been home this week and is able to give me this injection! It is in my gluteal region (alternating sides each day) and is for progesterone which is a hormone that helps with the lining of your uterus and keeps the embryo implanted and the placenta forming. If I become pregnant from this process, I have to continue these for approximately 10-12 weeks. Another thing about these injections......they make you SORE!!! So sitting isn't my favorite activity! Haha.
     So, today, day 2, we received a second phone call from the lab...."most" of the fertilized eggs had progressed to 2 days embryos....which means 4 cells. We needed this to keep us on our day 5 transfer. Why does that matter you ask? Well, the day 5 embryo tells you a little bit more about the embryo itself. They grade them on an A to F scale and try to only place the ones most likely to be viable back in utero or freeze for future use. Even with "A's" though, we only have a 50% chance that this procedure will result in a pregnancy. So, the message was very vague which I didn't like.....but we knew it was coming.


       Each day, we look at our picture/information sheet and think of what process our embryos are supposed to be forming. It is kinda weird (okay not kinda but really) that there are these embryos forming but I'm not pregnant yet, and I have no clue if I will even have a viable pregnancy. And it amazes us even more how God is so awesome and detail oriented that he has how a baby is conceived as miraculous as it is!!!
       So, our next news is the morning of our embryo transfer. They will give us how many embryos we have, their grades, and discuss with the doctor how many embryos we will transfer. We are continuing to pray for our embryos, my womb, and our decisions. We want this to work so badly and know God has His perfect plans. So until the next time.....

Like a Puppet with Strings

Life in IVF is like being a puppet with strings. You aren't yourself, you aren't in control of yourself. Your natural hormone cycle isn't in control, your natural response isn't there. Everything is controlled by doctors looking at every aspect of you and deciding what and when things need to be done. You are either ingesting or injecting different hormones or hormone suppressors into your body and those bring on all kinds of fun side effects. All this to say......you become crazy!
     The biggest thing you need when you start IVF is a very UNDERSTANDING and COMPASSIONATE partner. Along with that, surround yourself with a close knit group to pray for you and people who understand if you snap their head off because a minor thing in life went wrong that it isn't personal and please don't react. Thankfully, for the most part, I have had these things. I couldn't ask for a better husband who has consoled me on countless occasions as I lay crying because of dust, busyness, someone hurting my uber sensitive feelings, scheduling of tests being array, and the list goes on.....if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have made it through (not that we are through yet). My boss says I have had a lot less of a filter and a lot more emotion throughout this, he has never seen of me....I told him welcome to the real me, haha. I think even he is scared of me on most days! (which I'm not proud of....)
      So, saying all of this to say....if you know someone who is going through this, please be patient with them. Love them a little more. Bite your tongue a little harder. And make them feel as if all is okay in the world because if not, tears that may cause a torrential flood of Noah's day may be ahead of you!
    Thank you to all of the people who have put up with me over the past few months because I couldn't be here without you.