Life in the NICU

    My plan was to skip the NICU. Make it to 35 weeks gestation and just bring these babies home. It sounded good to me, it was my goal. God had other plans.
      Even with my plan, we picked the hospital we were to deliver at based on their NICU. Yes, this was a hospital 30-45 minutes from our home, but we wanted the best care if circumstances presented themselves. I will say up front that we have been beyond blessed with the care and kindness of our NICU staff - doctors, nurse practitioners, nurses, occupational therapist, and speech therapist. They have been personable, understanding, and supportive which we don't think we could find anywhere else. Also, we know we are beyond blessed with how healthy our boys were when they were born, and could be a lot sicker in the NICU.
      So our NICU story began -
      Both Zachary and Ayden were whisked away to the NICU almost immediately after birth. I got to see them both for approximately one minute a piece. There was no time for "skin to skin" to bond, no time to hold them and truly soak in my babies every features. They had to be stabilized (moreso Zachary), so off they went. Alan followed them. He watched them be cleaned up and weighed. He watched as a more permanent CPAP was placed on their faces and those perfect little babies were then transformed to wires and machinery taking over.
      After my procedure was completed, I was wheeled to my room for recovery and told I wouldn't be able to see the babies until at least 4 hours later. I immediately was heartbroken. What happened to this "skin to skin" that they preached was so important within an hour of their birth that would help regulate everything? Alan came back down from the NICU to let me know their lengths and weights. Big boys! For a moment I felt excited they may not be have to stay there long.
      I got to go up after about 4 hours, once I was "stable." Being in the medical field, the lines and monitors didn't seem to phase me much, but the fact I couldn't see my babies' faces did. And the fact I couldn't touch my children broke me. Originally, they were hooked up to CPAP for breathing, Ayden had a peripheral IV, both had central lines through their umbilical cord, then leads for EKG and respirations, a probe for their temperature and an O2 Saturation monitor. I was told at that point we could come visit them every three hours to "touch" them and change their diaper. This is hard for a new mom, especially a first time mom who just wanted to have her babies in her arms.
     Alan spent a lot of time in the NICU, while I was wheeled back and forth as I was able to in between pumping sessions and my own vitals being taken. Mom and Dad had their watchful eyes, as well. The nurse practitioners were always available to answer questions and seemed to ease our fears. And I was preached at that I needed to take care of myself. I don't understand how any mother can "take care of herself" when her babies are in the NICU. You just live for the moment of being able to stare at your babies through the plastic incubator and watch them breathe. Many hours were spent tearfully praying. And it was really hard to get connected with my babies, to feel as if they were mine.
     On Sunday morning, Alan and I woke up and had listened to praise and worship music as we pumped and he was preparing to go upstairs to the NICU. I had my usual morning cry but was feeling like everything was going to be okay and it was a good day. He went upstairs to the NICU as I stayed in my room to get dressed and my vitals taken. When he returned, their were tears in his eyes and I knew something was wrong. He sat down on the bed and began talking to me about Zachary. He had stopped breathing during the night and when he had just gone upstairs, they were bagging him a second time because he stopped breathing, again. He was at that time on his way to CT and many tests were going to be performed. I lost it. This IS my baby and I'm supposed to be there protecting him. Why hadn't the NICU nurses called us during the night or even right then? I was angry, sad, and overwhelmed all at once. Why God? Why? This was probably the hardest day of my life. And we lived moment by moment waiting on test results. We went up to visit the babies and Zachary looked so sad. He screamed and cried as he was hungry and they couldn't feed him. It's a horrible thing to watch your child suffer like that. Then you have the tugging of making sure you spread attention evenly between the babies. Thankfully everything turned out to be within normal limits and he did not have any more episodes. But those moments of fear will forever be etched in my mind. We believe because of prayers by thousands, he was healed with everything normal.
       I was actually grateful for the fact I had medical problems going on that kept me in the hospital. That meant I was closer to my babies and could see them easily. I was not looking forward to my discharge. At one week, the babies got off their CPAP and were transferred over to a different NICU which meant they were "healthier." From this point forward, they were considered "feeders and growers." We finally got to hold them once their central line was removed. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I FINALLY got to hold my child. Even though it was only for 15 minutes, my babies were in my arms, separately, but in my arms. It is a moment I still live for every day. To get my babies in my arms. We were still limited on the amount of time we could hold them and how often. Everything is on schedules in the NICU. It is very hard to let someone tell you when you can do something with your child/children. It just doesn't seem right or fair.
      When they were 10 days old, I was discharged home. My nurse told me even though I was discharged I could stay in my room all day so that I could visit the babies easier and then go home whenever I wanted that night. She was a blessing. Alan came by after work and we went to see the babies and decided after their 6 o'clock feeding, we would go home. Walking out of that hospital was the hardest thing to do. I'm supposed to be leaving with two babies, two car seats, and happiness. The feelings that were in me were emptiness, sadness, and guilt. Was I neglecting my children by leaving?
       Now each day consists of visiting the babies. It is still a feeding schedule of 12, 3, 6, 9, 12, 3, 6, 9 which is when we are able to actually touch them and hold them and feed them. Our time is limited on how long we get to hold them and when. But, we wake up each morning and head to the hospital. If it is a weekday, Alan leaves to go to work after saying good morning to the babies and I stay, usually taking a break from the 3 o'clock feeding and back for Alan to return after work at 6. It is equally as hard to leave each night without my babies. I cry every time I see a new mom leaving with her baby and just yearn for that moment, knowing it is coming. We wait each day for the NP's and doctors to round and hear an update on what the babies will be doing next, hoping it is a step forward to getting them home. Knowing it can't come soon enough.
      The life of a NICU parent is not an easy one. We are blessed, like I said, that our children are healthy and only waiting to learn how to eat and breathe and regulate temperature. It is an exhausting life, going from hospital to home, trying to pump like you are instructed to to have food for your children and getting the "rest" that your doctor and family prescribe. Their is no rest for the weary though. Because if someone asked me to sleep or see my babies, I'm going to see my babies each time. There is an internal struggle of what is enough time with your babies. What is neglectful? I can't seem to miss a feeding without feeling horrible about it, yet so many mothers are not in their to see their children at all. You add the hormones onto the sleepless nights and tiring schedules, you can only imagine the emotions and tears filling our house.
        But, it isn't all bad. Our babies will have a schedule coming home! Which we, of course, say is a perk. We have wonderful nurses and physicians watching our children to make sure they are healthy and that hopefully nothing will happen when they come home. And we have healthy babies that are growing and getting the care that they need.
       I told Alan today, I am just ready for conventional at this point. We didn't have a conventional conception or even pregnancy. I didn't get a conventional baby shower. Their birth wasn't conventional and neither has their hospital stay. So, "normal" moms. Be thankful you get to have a photographer come into your hospital room to take newborn pictures, don't take it for granted. Think about how blessed you are to have your baby beside you in the bed and can hold them at any time and take them home with you. And when you see a NICU mom, give her a special hug and prayer, because we all need it.