NICU Continued

     Yesterday, I cried. I cried when I walked into the NICU. Trying to not let the nurses hear. Thankfully my mom was standing there seeing the tears run down my cheeks and my soft gulps for air and she wrapped her arms around me and let me cry. I wiped the tears away, trying to appear strong. Trying to appear like everything is okay. But it wasn't. See, my boys had been doing so well. We hadn't had any spells (occurrences where both the heart rate and oxygen saturation decline) since July 13 and 14th and all of a sudden, Ayden had 3 within the past 12 hours. This messed up my plan. We were looking at bringing them home in the next week as soon as they got their feeds in and I wasn't worried about spells. But now, we would have to wait, at least 5 days or more, until he quit these spells. And most likely the boys would be coming home at separate times.
      Today, I cried again. Alan and I were sitting at lunch during a break between feedings (our lunches seem to be late and our dinners even later). He asked me what we were going to do if we brought one home before the other and asked me my plan for it. I broke,  I don't want to think about that. I couldn't answer. Then on our way home, after we found out that Zach had had a spell yesterday, as well, that we weren't informed of, I cried again. My boys will be 4 weeks old, a full month, on Wednesday. The earliest day we could possibly get to think about coming home (if there are no other spells) is Wednesday. And my babies will have spent the first full month of their life in a NICU. Not cuddled and loved on at home. But in a NICU, in an isollette or crib with limited contact from their Mom and Dad and other relatives and friends. They do not know what life is without pokes and prods and wires and beeps of alarms. They have lived in a hospital and I can never get this month of their life back. It's a hard pill to swallow.
      A friend of mine sent me an article/letter this NICU mother wrote to her twin boys who spent a lot more time in the NICU than my boys will, hopefully. And it talked about the things she wanted her boys to forget about NICU life, which is what I pray my boys won't remember. It also talked about what she hopes they remember - love, not being alone, strength, privileges. Of course I cried as I read this and hope my boys remember the same. It is very hard to be okay with yourself and acknowledge that your babies will not remember these times. That bonding will happen when they get home and you will be able to have the time to snuggle and spend every waking moment with them. But it is hard as you are going through it to even think that is coming. My children are loved, prayed for, not alone, strong, and privileged. This is what has to get me through.
      There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am just trying to not get my hopes up and not make that light too close. Trying to take in every second I have with my boys in holding them and take in every feature they have and memorize them for when I come home. And until the time we can bring them home, I will ride up to the hospital, hold my babies, feed them, and pray over them. Praying for their strength and that they come home to us soon, healthy and ready.
      I will still have my weak moments, but in those, I will be strong in my Lord. Being reminded that God's timing will ensue and that these babies will be home soon. No matter if it is 5 days or 10, together or separate.