Living through Death

A guest blog:

I will never forget this day one year ago. I will never forget that sinking feeling when multiple phone calls went unanswered. I will never forget the moment my worst fear was confirmed. It was a literal gut wrenching, bring you to your knees, absolutely horrible feeling. It was his birthday. We were supposed to celebrate later that evening. The next few days brought so much pain. Decisions had to be made, papers signed, and legal matters handled. The hardest was the final goodbye. It was very difficult to let go. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It took all the literal physical and emotional strength I had to walk out of that room. That is a day I want to forget. Three days prior to his death, we had Judah's second birthday party. Had I known it would be the last time I ever spoke to or saw my dad again I would have cherished that moment longer. I would have talked more to him. I would have hugged him a little longer. I would have been less concerned with cleaning my house and more concerned with listening to what he had to say. He had to get home before it rained. He always said he couldn't see to drive in the rain. Losing a parent is hard, especially when it's unexpected. Life changed dramatically one year ago today. I changed dramatically. This has been one of the most tumultuous years of my life. There have been many good times this year but there have also been many dark times. It's part of grief. It's part of healing and dealing with emotions that can't be put into words. I started a new job. I made new friends this year. I deepened some friendships but, unfortunately, I've also lost some friendships. I've turned to God and I've also turned from God. I renewed my passion for missions. I've searched for happiness and anything that would take away the pain. My family has been through it this year in more ways than most people know. The people that have stood beside us through it all will never fully grasp the magnitude of my appreciation. These are the people that have been there from the moment they got the phone call to the present time. They have supported us through the tears, the anger, and the long, hard conversations. You see, grief doesn't immediately disappear after the funeral. It's a process that takes much longer and I believe everyone deals with it differently and in different stages. Some people deal with it faster than others and some don't deal with it at all. The funeral is still a state of shock and a disconnection with reality. It's making small talk with people you haven't seen in a while that come to pay their respects. People ask how you're doing and you give the standard "ok" reply. People tell you that you are being so strong like it's a complement. Being "strong" is only a temporary state that occurs in order to avoid dealing with emotions. Eventually everything will come at you like a freight train. It's actually the weeks and months after the funeral that are the hardest as reality sets in. It's adjusting to your new life without your loved one and also accepting the change that occurs within yourself. Most people avoid the subject with the grieved. They think bringing it up will cause negative emotions. Pretending it never happened is the worst anyone can do to help someone through grief. Ask someone weeks and months down the road how they are doing. Check up on them because I guarantee they are still hurting. Talking about it is part of the healing but the grieved doesn't want to feel like they are being Debbie Downers by mentioning the subject to friends and family. One of the most prominent lessons I've learned from my dad's death is to love and love hard, even if that means rejection and disappointment are in the future. In his own way, he loved us with everything he had. Loving others is a central Biblical theme and one Jesus speaks about often. It's often said but there is a blatant truth in "life is short." It's too short to hold grudges and too short to hate one another. People are the way they are for a reason. Get to know people and you will realize their life's events have shaped the core of who they are. People are hurting and people want to be loved. We were created to love and be loved. Some are more readily accepting than others but that doesn't mean give up on them. I believe loving someone consists of accepting them through the good times and the bad. It means that you are willing to accept them regardless of how screwed up they may or may not be. It means you will be there for them during the tough, vulnerable times of their life. I'm so thankful I've had people stick with me this year. While this has been a tough year I try to look forward and hang on to the memories of my dad. Even a year later there are times I start to pick up the phone to call him. There are so many things I want to tell him. He would love to know he was getting another grandchild. He loved his grandchildren so much. He would be so proud of Xander playing baseball and doing well in school. He would laugh at the endless adventures Judah finds. Harper's precious dancing and singing performances would make him smile big time. He would be proud of Carim making huge improvements in school. He also never hesitated to tell me how proud he was of Matt, Jenna, John, and myself. While there are many things I doubt in life, one constant truth remains that he loved me very much. Even at 32 I was still his baby girl. I miss him every day. I tell stories of him to my boys so they won't forget him. I tell them how much he loved them. Though they didn't have him long, he will always be their Grandad. I'm thankful for the 32 years I had with him. I'm thankful for everything he taught me. I'm thankful he loved Matt and I so much. I'm thankful he was my Dad. If my life wasn't changed by his death then I wasn't affected by his life. He was the best Dad I could have wanted. I will always love him. He is my Dad.

Clinging

           Clinging. Latching on. Attached. Grasping. Adhered.

      My children have started over the past six months to be extremely clingy to me. I am guessing it is because I am home more now with them. But, I'm not going to lie, I kinda like it...that is unless they are whining, crying, screaming, yelling, or fussing while doing it - which they usually are. But then, there are those moments they cling to my side just because they want to hold me or touch me or be comforted. The moments they cling onto me on the couch as we watch "trains" or Mickey Mouse. Or when we are just outside and they need reassurance I am there and paying attention...they cling to my hand.

     Clinging can be such a sweet thing and it warms my heart that being near me, attached to me, is what brings security and comfort to my boys. You feel them relax a little and not be so tense. The crying/whining/fussing usually stops and there ends up being a sweet moment. The boys like for me to hold them as we go down the stairs first thing in the morning. Yes, it is quite an arm workout and balancing act since they have gotten heavy, but they cling to me as we walk down those stairs. Arms and legs wrapped around me on both sides. Knowing that as long as they do that they will be okay.

      So, yesterday I started thinking about this clinging. It was like a whole new perspective came over my eyes. We are told so many times in life to "cling to the cross" and verses throughout the Old Testament state to "cling to God." How often do I wrap my arms and legs around my Father and hold on for dear life? Not letting go for the life of me because I know He can carry me through? I associate this clinging from my boys with how much they love me and desire to be with me and trust me to comfort and care and take care of them. There is a trust there. Do we exude the same emotions towards God? Believing that Him holding us will walk us through it all and all we need to do is cling, attach, adhere, grasp for Him. Do we show Him we love Him by doing this?

       I don't believe we are supposed to only cling to God in bad or scary situations. Just like my boys cling to me when we are watching a show, we are to cling to God in the every day situations too. Just hanging out, clinging to our Savior. It is heartwarming He even wants that type of a relationship with us.

     So, I ask you, do you cling to your Savior? In uncomfortable times and comfortable ones? Did you know you have the option of having that relationship with Jesus? Where it isn't just turning your life over and following rules and trying to be good but ACTUALLY clinging to Him and having such a sweet connection with Him? It's so neat to see through my relationship with my children a new understanding of the relationship God/Jesus wants with me (and has always wanted but I didn't understand). Cling to Jesus.

My Mouth

        My mouth has been an integral part of my identity. It started when I was young. Everyone commented on my pretty smile and how it lit up a room. I found pride in that smile. It made me smile more, subconsciously, and I was glad to be able to share it with the world. There was always someone complimenting me on my smile or my straight teeth (after braces) or just how contagious my smile was. It brought smiles to other people, ease for conversations, and out of that mouth brought words of encouragement.

       Out of my mouth was laughter. Something that was frequently surrounding me. A lot of people consider it a loud laugh, but it was a laugh, none the less. My laugh and my mouth brought other people laughs and happy times.

       But see, there was more than just that. Because though I had such pride in my smile and my mouth, there was another side. A side that struggled. My mouth was perverse. My mouth was hurtful. My mouth was untamed.

       I can only imagine this started as a toddler as I screamed the word "NO!" to my parents or anyone passing by. It then grew into hurtful words of slandering my sister, that grew into slandering my parents, and slandering friends. My mouth voiced opinions of hurtful disdain when I didn't get my way. It screamed at my mother and father, "I hate you!" and other things that I am not proud of. It was/is quick to fire back when I was/am hurt. My mouth turned from a point of joy to a point of pure hurt.

       See, words are my defense. And that isn't a good thing. God speaks on the tongue and our mouth several times:

Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Proverbs 15:1 - A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

James 1:26 - If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.

Matthew 12:33-37 - “Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit. You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Titus 3:2 - To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.

Colossians 3:7-8 - In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.

James 3:8 “But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

1 Peter 3:10 “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit.”


    So, I read on the tongue and the mouth and words more than anything else, probably. And it convicts me more than anything. And I freak out about my mouth more than anything. I pray and ask repentance over this probably more than anything else! It is my vice. 

    See, I am good at being quick with my tongue and not having it controlled. It is a practice that I try to control over and over - when my in-laws hurt me/us, when my step-children hurt my husband and myself, when my mother or father get on my last nerve (because even though we are far better than we were years ago it still happens), when someone hurts someone I love I am quick to respond - try going after my husband or my sons - I sadly will take you down. It is the thing that everyone can hold against me - though it is mainly because I want good in the end or a positive change. I know how to hurt. I know how to hurt you because you hurt me and words hurt deeper than anything physical to me.  BUT, how is this what God calls me to do? It isn't. 

    

   Therefore, I pray. I ask forgiveness. I read God's words on the mouth and tongue. And I struggle. I try to show love. I try to control my tongue and I try to let my smile be the thing that I can spread. Not hurtful words. 

    That being said, I ask you to look at yourself. Are you good at lifting people up? How about talking about people or what they have done to hurt you or others? Tearing people down? What are you known for? What are your conversations about? I can tell you all of these I am guilty of. But, I am called for something greater. Something I pray for God to give me the strength to strive above. And that is what I pray for all of you. 

Death

Death.

      We've all heard of it. It's on the news. It's personal. It's our family member's passing. It is a friend passing. It is a dream dying. A realization of something no longer existing.

       Death comes in various forms. I've always been a little morbid in thinking of death often. I don't know whether it is because I am in the line of work I am in and can think of situations that can happen way too quickly to kill someone or it is just me. But, it is a part of all of our lives. Lately, I have seen a best friend from college's father die (way too young), young lives tragically ended too early through freak accidents, and then, of course, these acts of terror that seem more and more frequent. It is one thing that I am actually scared of. I know that we shouldn't be, as Christians, because we know what awaits us, BUT, I selfishly don't want anyone around me to be gone or to be gone myself. It's a hard realization to see it happen and to see how finite each life is. I just hope that we all hug a little tighter and love a little more knowing and being reminded of this fact. Death is VERY REAL and comes unexpectedly and way too soon for us all.

     Death in the realization of reality has hit me hard lately, too. When we got pregnant with the boys, we used our last two frozen embryos. We knew at that point that we were most likely done with children and had a peace about it. But, the dream was still alive that we could have more. We have had frozen sperm still available if we wanted to start over in the IVF process. Well, to keep that, we have to pay for it to be stored. And we have paid over the past two years. We know the piece of paper that tells us our "lease" is up comes in May and we have to make the decision by July 1 on whether or not to keep or destroy our goods. We have prayerfully gone forward with storing these past years and prayerfully considered it this year. Alan and I had to have some hard discussions this year as that piece of paper showed up. We both knew that we most likely wouldn't start over in our journey of IVF - mostly because it is costly and we don't want to risk having an abundance of embryos because we would not destroy any of them. So, the decision was made that we would no longer store our frozen goods.

      This has been a hard reality for me. A death of sorts. I am so happy with my two little spunky boys. They are a handful and when I am around babies I know that it would be difficult to handle more. BUT, the dream and option was still there. This puts a pretty finite end to our reproducing and the end of our biological family. It is a very hard decision for us both. We have a peace about it and believe it is what is right for our family, but that does not make the decision any easier. There are up days and down days. But in it all, I know God is good and He has planned our family perfectly. AND, we can always adopt or foster. But, our journey in this infertility world, is now over.

      Infertility is a life long struggle. Even after having the blessings of children, seeing others accidentally or easily getting pregnant can continue to play with your psyche. People asking if you are having more children is still painful. So, I ask you take that into consideration of people before you ask these questions or flaunt how easy it is for you to get pregnant.

    In life, we know all things are for purpose. We know that our journey in infertility was for a purpose of growth not only for us, but for others. We know that when a horrific death happens, it is for a purpose far greater than we can expect. There is purpose in our loved ones passing, though it is more painful and hard to see good in than we could ever imagine.

     I challenge you to be there for those who are going through a death. No matter what that death may be. Physical. Emotional. I, also, challenge those of you who do not have a personal relationship with God to seek this out. It is the most important choice you can make. It has been the ONLY way I have been able to survive my life and be sustained in knowing the good that prevails. He gives us a peace that surpasses all understanding in ALL things and is ALWAYS there for us. Not expecting perfection, but a relationship.

    So, as I end my blog journey of infertility, I look forward to the next journey He has me on. Still running towards the prize.

Community

What does COMMUNITY mean to you?

      I think in our generation, the meaning of this word has become lost in a lot of ways. Through technology and social media, our ideas of community have changed. It has broadened our "community" online, but what has happened to community in the "Real World."


      After having a meal with a friend this past week, it was confirmed that this is not an issue I only face here in Nashville, but that several suffer within other places. And honestly, I think it is a time for reform. We have become a society who is very focused on our phones, social media accounts, and employment that the reality of community with your neighbors and those close to you has taken a beating.


     I was a nomad (in all sense of the word) growing up. We moved around every 3-4 years and were always in different schools. However, I ALWAYS remember my parents making quick friends, developing meaningful relationships, having people over to the house or vice versa, and these relationships are still ongoing though we haven't lived in those cities for years. Those friendships have developed me to have family all over to visit. I continue to move a lot in my adult life and long for the friendships my parents had/have. But, for some reason, developing actual friendships is so much harder now.


     When I moved to Nashville, I was excited to move to this town and start a life here with my husband. We became involved with our church and both of our jobs. When a year had gone by without developing friendships that were meaningful, I chalked it up to Alan's traveling schedule and my work schedule. Give it another year. As the time has passed, it seems as though being more involved in things and invitations extended does not get you far in these developments. Repeated invitations were either declined or some excuse would appear at the last minute. Is it me or is there a deeper issue? I tend to believe a deeper rooted issue.


      My social media life, I would say, is very full. I have a lot of "friends" and keep up with them pretty well. I post pictures of my life and people like them. That's what friends do, right? We comment back and forth and keep up to date on each other's lives. It's all quite easy and we can text or message or e-mail someone when we need something. I would say it is a pretty fulfilling social life, in that aspect, and I am sure every one of you can say the same. BUT, when is the last time you dug deeper?


      When was the last time you invited someone to do something? Dinner over, lunch, movie, play dates, etc? When was the last time you accepted an invitation from someone? When was the last time you invited someone new to your neighborhood/church/social circle to do something so you could get to know them better....instead of befriending them on Facebook? How long has it been since you invited someone to do something other than an event at church or small group, just to be able to dig deeper with that person? When was the last time you INVESTED in a person outside of the four walls of your house?


       I feel like all of these things are being thrown by the wayside as we can "learn" a person through their social media accounts, which is often superficial. I believe the phenomena of social media has decreased our concern for those around us and decreased the relationships God intended us to have, as humans. We can so easily voice our opinions, learn just what we want about people, make and break plans without hearing a disappointed voice on the other end, and live a virtual life. I believe that we are lacking in what God meant most for us and are therefore shorting ourselves of the pleasures we can obtain from community.


       Life is hard. It is even harder when you are facing it alone in a world full of people. These personal relationships that dig deeper are what we all need and what God meant for us to have. It's easy to go to church events or social events and see people, make simple conversations, and go home, but we are wired for deeper relationships. So many of us struggle from similar things yet feel isolated in this world because our superficial relationships make everyone else's life seem wonderful. We need to go through life with people where we can share the struggles and the good times.


    So, this all being said, I challenge you. I challenge you to invite someone to get deeper. I challenge you to become vulnerable and take a chance on a deeper relationship with someone. I challenge you to invite a new family to dinner or sit down with someone you met at an event one on one. I challenge you to not use social media as your social event of the day, but make it be with a neighbor or someone from work or from some other event. Let's return this world to how it's supposed to be. Because we can all face the world when it is done in community.

So, when's the next one?

     It's a question everyone asks.....after you get married, it's when's a baby coming? This question was always hard for me to hear because I didn't know the answer to that, or even if that was a possibility. Once we had the boys, I thought, I'm good. People would ask me if we wanted anymore and my thought was, "God has blessed us with these two and we are done." I was at piece with that. Now that the boys are getting older, a lot more people ask - "So, when is the next one?" "Are you wanting anymore?" "Aren't you going to try for a girl?" And, seeing a lot of my friends be pregnant and get pregnant and having babies, it has made it hard for me to answer.


      I wish I could just say, well, we are trying and if it happens it happens. But, life isn't that easy for us to have a baby. I won't lie. There are times now that I long for another baby. It is a desire. But, it isn't that easy. How would we make this happen? Do another round of in vitro? We would have to start all over since we don't have any more embryos and that is a lot of money and a chance for multiple embryos that I am not okay with not using. There is the option to adopt, but we haven't truly felt led to do this. Foster care is an option, too, but we are unsure of this option, as well. Then, it is the thought of truly being finished with children. We have four and we are aging and should we just be content?


      "When is the next one?" "You need a girl?" - pains to my heart and stinging takes place. Something I thought I was over once I had the boys. Infertility sucks. That's all I have to say. And even when you beat the odds and have a successful birth through infertility, it still isn't fun to know you are through. I still have secret hopes a miracle will happen like it does to others and we will be surprised with a miraculous pregnancy. But, the realistic person in me knows that isn't the case.


     This all being said, be careful when asking people when they are going to have a child or when they will have the next. You don't know their struggles. Even if they do have children, there may have been hardships in that. So in all, be sensitive to one another. Especially if you know they have had hardships and just rejoice in what is present instead of focusing on what is ahead.

Post Partum Depression - My Story

        I don't know anyone who went through post partum depression, that I know of anyway. But then again, I have never asked someone if they are struggling or maybe even paid attention enough to pick up on it. It's kind of a cliché in our society. We see the mother's harm their children in our world and think "How could they do that?" But, we never truly talk about it and it is something that strong, good mothers don't suffer with, right? WRONG. This is my story.

       When I went in for my 6 weeks post-partum visit, my doctor asked me how I was feeling. I burst into tears and said "I think I am having baby blues. I cry all of the time and don't feel like I am bonding with the babies." At this point the babies had only been home from the hospital 2 weeks. She looked at me and said, "It's over two weeks, so the blues are gone and post-partum depression is what you have." She then began to ask me if I had digested and truly had it "hit me" what all I had experienced with the pregnancy, birthing process, and babies in the NICU. Of course my answer was "No." I mean, I was a new mom with twins and a rigorous schedule....who has time to process! She told me it was going to hit me one day and it was going to be rough. After discussion, she put me on an anti-depressant and wanted to see me back in a month.

      That was the beginning of my journey with post-partum depression. I thought of work, I cried; I thought of leaving the house, I cried; I wasn't as bonded with my babies as I thought I would be, I cried; they would cry and my heart wouldn't break like Alan's and my mom's, I felt like an awful mother, I cried. I was exhausted, not where or how I wanted to be as a mother, hormonal, and had yet to even process the past 3 months of my life. Overwhelmed and didn't know where to turn.

       I started on the anti-depressant and waited the two weeks for it to kick in. I didn't like the side effects, though I was starting to feel better, so I quit the medication, thinking I could handle this. I'm a strong person and stubborn. I've got this. I had my follow up and talked with my OB that I thought I was doing better, still not having processed anything. So, life went on......I kept myself busy between baby duty, housework, work, etc. I was/am really good at smiling and doing the southern answer of "everything is going really well." Knowing deep in my heart that I was building up so many struggles.

       Dr. Tony Harbin, the OB/GYN in Dalton and a close friend of mine, once said, "Every person has a coffee cup. Some are bigger than others, but life is like pouring coffee into that cup continuously. Eventually, that cup is going to overfill and you are going to have to have help." I tell this to patients all the time who feel bad that they are having hardships in life. And, it honestly brought me comfort.

       Over the next few months, life got busier as I went back to work. I had a very hard time leaving the boys just knowing I wasn't there for them and my desire to be a stay at home mom wasn't a reality. It sunk me deeper in. Then, I had some hardships with people not understanding that I cannot/could not be on my best game every day. It's hard to put forth the energy of being chipper when honestly, all I wanted was to be in solitude. Being in a city with none of my family brought even bigger sorrows (even though my mom is always up here, I miss not having my dad and her down the road to just stop by). Because of my consumption with work prior to babies, I hadn't made any friends in Nashville, so being able to call up a friend and go out for a night wasn't an option. Then add on the stress of being in a blended family, family drama (which we all have), and the struggle of hardly seeing my husband due to travels and work schedules. (None of this is intended for complaining because I am truly blessed, but it is my story and it adds up.) Life seemed to be getting more difficult and more difficult.

      About 5 months ago, things started becoming more than overwhelming, again. I was crying at the drop of a hat at about anything. I could fly off the handle at the smallest inconvenience or disagreement. It only grew worse and my usual social self became quite reclusive and I began becoming really shy. I wanted to be all alone, but I wanted to have people care and friends to interact with. I had no energy and no desire to do anything. I then, began having panic and anxiety attacks. I had never had these before in my life. It scared me. I was terrified and terrified this was happening to me. I couldn't even go into a church event without freaking out and having an anxiety attack and want to turn around and go home. I don't know who I had become. And, at about this time, since I had so many days alone at home, it hit me. Every emotion, physical symptom, stress, reality of twin pregnancy, bed rest, multiple complications from delivery and health complications of myself, NICU babies, twins, etc. hit me. I ran into this wall and I could no longer keep my head above water. I was literally drowning in emotions. All of the "processing" was happening. Hopeless and helpless.

         My support system became very concerned and finally Alan put his foot down. He told me it was time to go back to the doctor and get some help. I resisted. I'm proud of myself for being a strong person who can handle anything. I didn't want to appear weak, unable to handle life, or even a complainer. But, we both knew it was deeper than that. And, I realized in moments of prayer and reflection that it is a bigger thing for me to get help then to keep drowning in my attempts to stay strong.

        About this time, I had the opportunity to join a mom's group at church. Now, it wasn't easy, but I was excited. That is when one of my anxiety attacks hit and I literally said to the babies when walking in, what are we doing here? Let's go home. I had tears in my eyes and could hardly breathe walking in. Since when did I get social anxiety? This semester, the series Bible study is called a Beautiful Mess. And man, does God know how to talk directly to me when I am in need of Him most. It was speaking (and is continuing to speak) directly to me. It was like all of my thoughts and concerns were told and the authors wrote to them. A crack in the isolation. God knows what I need. Other women feel like me, some days hopeless, insufficient, unworthy, a mess. He seems to always lead me to the Bible and scripture or a Bible study I need, just at the right time.

       I finally gave in and was seen by my family medicine doctor. She sees the boys and Alan and myself, so has been able to follow us over the past few years. She was encouraging to me. She reassured me that I am not weak but oh so strong to be able to parent twin boys and hold a full-time job. We talked and discussed and decided it was best at this point to start on a different anti-depressant without so many side effects. At this point, this is what I need to help and I am not ashamed.....or at least I hope I am not since I am sharing this with the world.

      What I have realized is, it is okay to receive help. It is okay to ask and say I need you. It is okay to not be able to do or handle everything and every situation (I am remembering my post when I was pregnant regarding help during bed rest). We all need support and being a mother is no different. So, if you are struggling from post-partum depression, I encourage you to receive the help you need.
        
 

An Update - 18 months of Life

      According to my "TimeHop," two years ago today, we found out we were having twins. It is crazy to think that it was only two years ago because it seems so long ago!! Now this journey has led us to two thriving eighteen month olds (in a few days) and it has been quite the ride!

     A lot has happened since I last blogged. In the past 6 months, these boys have blossomed into two little men. As a family, we have had several changes and dealt with several stresses, but the New Year is bringing about a great new beginning!

     Zachary has definitely come out of his shell and has become a very confident little man. At 12 and 13 months, his pediatrician was concerned that he was barely crawling, so she ordered him physical therapy. Those 3 months of physical therapy were the confidence boost he needed. He crawled faster than Ayden could walk within a few weeks and by the end was a walking champ. He has now "caught up" to his brother and surpassed him sometimes in his speed (especially if there is food involved!). He is a good 27 pounds, so that slows him down a little. His Lolli's nickname for him is "Chubbs." It is kinda funny, though, because he has now become a picky eater and eats less than Ayden. He has begun talking real words and loves to repeat what you say. He is really good at "Daddy," "Eat", "Lolli," "Bye, Bye," "Thank You," and "Uh-oh." He makes animal sounds and really does repeat whatever else you say to him. He talks from waking up until going to bed in whatever language he decides. He loves his "stinky feet" and for you to smell them. He can point out body parts, but anyone's belly button is his favorite. He loves to sing and dance and play the drums. He is definitely our musical child! He loves for people to laugh at him, so will do about anything to make someone smile or laugh. He has an angelic smile about him and will just melt you when he comes to give you a kiss and hug and smile. He is also our temper tantrum thrower. He was blessed (haha) with his Momma's temper…no doubt. It is a spitting image of what I have seen of me in home videos when I was his age. Somehow he has learned to stomp his feet and a good screaming fit can happen in a second. But, it can also turn off in a second, too. He is the more sensitive of the two, as well, just like his Momma, too. He is very independent in wanting to accomplish things himself, but loves to cuddle. He has become very attached to his blanket and over the past 2 days the plastic play spoon. He loves to feed you and "make" things in his kitchen. He loves to put puzzles together or fit the pieces of the train track or race track together. It is funny to watch him get onto Ayden for things and he is definitely the quiet leader of the two. Though he is not anything quiet. He is a Daddy's boy and will take him any time he can have him.

    Ayden is just a spit fire. He is our "jackrabbit" as my mom calls him. If he is awake, he is moving. He has been walking since around 13 months and hasn't looked back since. He loves pushing things, whether it is a train, play car/train/jeep, box, chair, table, or anything in-between. If it is able to be moved, he is going to move it all over the house. He loves going up and down the stairs. He is, also, our climber of furniture. He has made it to 24.5 pounds, so gained 3 pounds in the past 3 months. He has become our eater, FINALLY! He loves about everything. Once he decided he was done with baby food/soft food, it was on! His favorite is chicken nuggets with bar-b-que sauce. He isn't talking as much as Zach, but can definitely get his point across. He does say "Zach", "Daddy," any sound an animal makes, "Bye bye," and occasionally I get a "Momma" from him! He is good at "uh-oh" too….probably a favorite. He is very into trains and cars. He is our little "supervisor" and will watch whatever you are doing to make sure it is done right, or you aren't out of line. If something is going on, he's involved! He can focus in on things pretty well! I think he takes after his Daddy on all of those things. He has a smile that is going to get him in trouble one day. He isn't as attached to his blanket, but is becoming that way because his brother is. It's funny watching him follow his big brother's lead on things. He is independent in his own way, but doesn't mind you helping him out every once in awhile. He loves to dance and has some popping moves. He is a big flirt and it is hilarious in stores to watch him just out of the blue wave, give his charming smile and "talk" to women/girls. He loves his Momma and is definitely a Momma's boy. He loves the outdoors and probably would be out there all of the time if we let him, even in the cold. He loves the water, as well, and probably would stay in a bath for hours if I let him (along with his brother). He is our adventurer.

    We have finally completed building our new home and have started settling into it. It was quite the hassle and headache towards the end, and middle, well really the whole thing, but we are happy to  be in a home we can call our own with enough room for the boys to grow and play. In our last home we were all on top of each other, literally, so it is nice for everyone to have their own space. The whole building process is a venture. We are still working to have everything on the "list" completed that needs to be fixed. Alan and I did well during the building process. They say if you can build a house together you can outlast anything. We never had a disagreement with each other about the house, but sure did get mad together at the builders. It is definitely an extra stress, but we are happy with what we have and are truly blessed! The boys love that our backyard has cows come up to it and they will run to the window or if it's warm enough out the backdoor to find the cows every morning. They will even "moo" at them. We built the house with intentions of people coming and visiting, so if you are wanting to visit Nashville, let us know and you have a place to stay!

     We are extremely happy that my mom continues to come and watch the boys while I work. She is extremely glad she has her own bedroom and doesn't have to be shoved into Alan's office any longer! They love her more than life itself and it is so fun and joyous to watch their faces light up when she enters in the room. Lolli trumps everyone in this house. She is even our go to FaceTime call to calm any screaming baby. She is truly a blessing in our lives and we thank her and my Dad all of the time for sacrificing for her to do this for us.

    We are excited about this new year and the fact we aren't starting off with a lot of projects ahead. It seems we are always going and we decided this year was going to be the year to be present in each day and enjoy it. So, hopefully not as much traveling (though Alan still will for work and we can't live without a beach vacation or two!) or building a home or IVF or having a baby or moving. That we know of anyway! We will be settling in our new home and continuing to enjoy the moments of the boys growing. They are growing way too fast and I am ready for it to slow down. I just cherish the times they both crawl in my lap and let me hold them. Though that only lasts for a few minutes now instead of hours on end, I cherish it more and more.

     We are truly blessed by God over this past year in all things. We look forward to the blessings of this new year.

Reflections

     Over the past few days, I've done a lot of reflecting on this past year. Today, specifically has hit me in my heart. A year ago today, Alan and I were in the hospital room listening to praise music, reading a devotional and of course, pumping. Alan went to go take my milk up to the NICU, we would both go up when it was the mark for us being able to visit the babies. When he returned, his face was gray and our pleasant morning did an 180 degree turn before our eyes. It was this morning, a year ago, Zachary stopped breathing twice and had to be bagged and have several tests performed on him. It was this day, a year ago, that my parents' church stopped in the middle of the benediction and prayed for my son. Many of your prayed. It was this day, a year ago, that miracles of healing took place. His outcome could have been much worse. He could've been placed on a ventilator and spent several months in the NICU, like many babies we saw, but he was healed. He had a brain bleed that was of the 1st grade, not a 2nd or 3rd or even more detrimental 4th. God performed a miracle (one of many) last year on this day. There was a lot of fear on this day last year, but God carried us through. And through this past year, God has carried us through.

     I've reflected on a life with twins and how it is different then with a singleton. Some differences are quite humorous, some challenging, and some bittersweet. There are the usual common things - twice the diapers, at once; twice the food; twice the clothes; twice the toys; and twice the cribs/pack'n'plays. I think the hardest part of these past 12 months is the month they spent in the NICU. I have had tears thinking back to those days. I am a picture fanatic (as you all know) and as I have been going through pictures these past few weeks, it saddens me that I don't have many pictures of the day they were born (other than in the OR). It makes me cry thinking back how I didn't get to hold them until they were a week old and didn't get to just "be their mom" for those first few weeks. I want to go back and change that so badly. But, I will continue to say even to this day that we are grateful for the NICU. Grateful for their care for our boys and for the awesome schedule they were on when they returned home. That has been the key to our sanity! A schedule that has kept them doing the same thing at the same time. There's something about having two babies lie on your chest sleeping. Man how I miss those days! There's something about the conversations they have begun to have and watch them laugh at each other. Priceless. It is always humorous to me to the stares in the store and that I know going in that I will be asked at least 5 times if they are twins. It may get old, but it never stops being funny to me. You get a lot of attention with twins. So, there is no quick shopping trip - therefore, I have slowly learned going near or at nap time is a sure "no, no" because these people will wake up your sleeping children "just to get a peak" at your twins. Then, as we have started, the jealousy of each other when one is getting held or having attention and the other isn't. Double the temper tantrums has begun, which sometimes are just humorous, and are quickly nipped in the butt. I think it is easier to have two at the same age. I'm not chasing after one and trying to make it "not wake the baby." But, the thing that is bittersweet is that I have two babies that are growing up quickly and I know they are my only babies. It is hard knowing they don't snuggle as much and when I get those moments of them lying on my chest, I savor it….even if it is them pushing each other out of the way or trying to take over my whole chest.

     I have learned over the past year that life passes by way too fast, and it is so finite. It has made me realize even more how important time with those you love is and how important it is to make time for those you love. It has shown me true friendship and how much love we have for Alan and myself, along with these boys. We have developed new friendships and stronger relationships that just are overwhelming in love.

      I really wouldn't change this last year for the world. It is amazing how much babies grow and develop! Zachary and Ayden continue to amaze us and I believe they have just blossomed like crazy over the past few weeks. Zachary is actually moving around when he crawls and we just are amazed! AND, last night he actually pulled up twice without assistance! We were in tears so excited, and so was he! Ayden is crawling and into EVERYTHING. He has stood without holding onto anything a few times, as well. Ayden has begun to actually babble now, instead of just growling at us! It is stinkin' adorable. Zachary says "dog", "Dada", and "Lolli." Yea, no "Momma" yet. Their personalities are so different but they are both so hilarious. Zachary is definitely the clown of the two and loves to make people laugh. Ayden is a definite flirt! They are 5 times their birth weight. Zach is 23 lbs 3 oz and Ayden 20 lbs 1 oz and 30 inches and 29 inches, respectively. Still undergrowth of a 1 year old, but getting there! Ayden is still picky with food and will be eating baby food until he is 14, Zach will eat pretty much anything. They may be drinking bottles until then, too.

     It is amazing all that God has done with them in this past year and how much they have grown and developed. We are grateful for them and the impact they have had on our extended family relationships and relationship with God. We are looking forward to this coming year!

A Letter to my Granny

Granny,
     It's been 23 years today. Twenty-three years since I sat beside you, saw your face, and held your hand. I can't believe it, because it just seems like yesterday. I can recall every minute of that day in my head and I often relive it over and over. I remember seeing your last moments and running out to my bike riding around the yard screaming at God to "heal my Granny." And "please don't let her go." Asking Him, "Why???" But I know why and He did heal you. You are healed and praising His name every second of every day. But still, I miss you.
     You were an amazing woman. Someone I still admire and still consider my hero. Your love for Jesus still radiates in my mind and I can just see you showing Jesus to people through your actions. You praising Him while you were sick and having me read the Bible to you every night has had such an impact on my life. I do believe, that if it wasn't for you and your constant heart for God, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. Your love for people is something I strive for. I strive to treat everyone like you did, as God's prince and princess. To make each and every person feel special. Thank you for teaching me that. Thank you for loving people like you loved Jesus and Jesus loved you. Thank you for caring about the important stuff and convicting me of the same, people's hearts. Your smile and laugh were contagious, something you have passed down to your daughter and granddaughters. And as my Momma says, she still sees your temper in me…I guess I got it honest.
      A lot has happened this past year. And honestly, I have really wished you were here to witness it all. Three of your four great grandsons were born. I think you would love them more than you loved Sally and me. They would love you too. They even growl like Sally did with you, so it would've been a perfect match! They would've loved your snuggles, floor time play, singing and dancing, constant praise, and love and I am sure we would want for nothing and have houses piled with the cutest outfits and toys because you would be spoiling them rotten, more than they already are. But, I want you to know, you raised a daughter who has become the best Lolli that they could have. She is a lot like you. She is on the floor playing with these four boys, even when she doesn't feel good. I think she gets that stamina and love from you. She walks in the room and the look on the boys' faces is the same as what Sally and I had when you walked into the room. We knew that love and excitement and fun was here. So, thank you, Granny, for raising my Momma to be like you. You would be so proud of her. She has grown to be a woman of God that loves the unloveable and loves her family to almost a fault. These boys are her world, just like your grandchildren were your's.
       I think you would be proud of Sally and me, too. Sally now brushes her hair without having to be told (at least I think so!) and she has become the greatest mom to her boys. It's surprising that crazy Sally has turned out to be such a wonderful woman. She still has that same joy and silliness that she had when you were around. And her boys knew how to make animal sounds and play with sticks before they even talked. But, you would be proud of her. A college degree, a God-fearing husband, and a love for Jesus that you prayed over us.
       But, I still miss you. I still think of how I wish you had been here when I got married, found out I was pregnant, and at the hospital when the boys were born. I think of how I would've had to fight you out of spending the night in the NICU every night….and maybe even getting onto a nurse or two that upset me. I wish that you could've watched them come home, helped me with questions I had, and even spent a few weeks with Mom and me on bed rest. Oh the conversations we could've had! I wish you were here for birthday parties….we would have a lot more cake that way! And make sure everyone was celebrated. I hope we continue on your tradition. Making each and every child feel special for every occasion, just like you did. But, I think you are here. In spirit, you are here for all of it, I know. I miss your hugs, your talks, and you just being my best friend.
        You were always someone I could turn to and knew that you would be there for me no matter, but I also knew that I could have to go get a switch out of the back yard if need be, as well. There are moments, I won't lie, that I cry and just ask for you to come back and be here. You are missed more than you know, and it is all aspects of you that are remembered.
        As the years go by, it doesn't get any easier not having you here. But, the thing that keeps us all going is that we know that we will be reunited again. It will be a marvelous day on more than one accord. We anticipate the day we see Jesus and we see you. So, until that day, know we miss you, Granny. We all miss you. We love you and think of you often and how life would be with you here. Thank you for being such an example to me and everyone around you. I hope I make you proud.

Forever love you,

Lauren
     

Identity to 11 months

     Eleven months is coming upon us, and quickly. It is hard to believe that last year, at this time, I was on strict bed rest. And I am almost wishing I was back at that spot, just to get a good night's rest again! Haha. Also , it is a period of transition. I am reflecting over the past few weeks on my identity.
   
      Some people have an instant "mom" identity when they have babies born. I was a bit different. I think that some of that had to do with the babies being in the NICU and some with my post-partum depression I dealt with. I feel like my attachment with my boys didn't come instantaneously and really has taken a long time to happen. I always thought that when I had babies I would be so selfish in holding them and not letting anyone get that extra second, but yet I have been the first to let them be held. It wasn't until I went back to work this second time that I became super attached to these kiddos. I'm not sure if it was the fact that the boys have gotten super clingy to me, or what. But my identity hasn't been that of a pure "mom" since they have been born. I finally have that identity. I finally have that role deep into me, and though people told me it would get easier going to work, it has become immeasurably hard to leave them each morning. My "mom" title has hit and hit hard and the "physician assistant" title has taken a far third or fourth running. Even today, when I heard from our nanny that Ayden had been crying inconsolably for some time, I broke as a Mom. It used to not be so heart-breaking to me, which I hate to say, but it's changed and now my heart breaks every time I hear something sad going on.

      So, as I pick up writing this, again, it is the turn of being 11 months old. I got my "Facebook history" notification that one year ago today, I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor. It is crazy to think about this time a year ago. So much fear and anxiety surrounding these babies and their health. It is amazing what has come over the past year. These kids are something else.

      Zachary is getting stronger by the day. He actually pulled himself up from a sitting position to standing this past weekend….I cried. He, also, has stopped pitching a full out temper tantrum when he goes to his stomach (and even puts himself in that position!). He moved a little bit "crawling" the other day with Alan….again, I cried. It is amazing how strong he is becoming as we work with him, daily. He loves to stand up and be like his brother. He is so proud of himself. He even knows how to turn around as he is sitting and scoot on his bottom. He is still the talker of the two. Babbles all day and night and still loves to make everyone laugh. He has been teething like crazy the past two weeks, chewing on EVERYTHING, but we have yet to see a tooth. Poor little buddy. He loves eating "table" food, even without teeth he does a pretty good job of getting it down. He is funny because he loves to pick out clothes. He gets so excited when I take him to his closet and he grabs the outfit he wants with the day and just grins.

      Ayden is on the move and fast. He went from limited crawling last month to full force. He is into EVERYTHING. He loves to stand up on everything and pull up on everything. He has learned he can crawl out of the living room and that the kitchen and formal dining room have lots of goodies. He knows what he can and can't get into. He has, also, learned the meaning of the word "No" this past week and is a really good pouter when he is told it! I even experienced his first meltdown over it! He has been teething, as well, and this morning had his third tooth break through. He is still picky in eating, loves his fruit and veggies, but is very picky on consistency. He loves to growl at people and it is his form of communication. He has no bubble (like his Momma) and crawls all over his brother (much to Zach's chagrin) and everyone else. He, also, had his first busted lip this month…..mean bath tubs when you are trying to dance and get dried off.

     They both have contagious grins and love to smile at everyone. They are both social babies and love being around people. They are  loving the water and outside. I am hoping this continue to transfers to the love of the beach! They both are developing so quickly and it is just amazing to sit and watch them sleep and be able to hold them, when they let you. Time passes by way too quickly and I am trying to truly soak in every moment. I know when I blink, it will be their first birthday. Having these twins is truly a blessing. They have been the best gift that I have received. We just look forward to what God has in store for us here forward.

10 Months Old and New Job

     Looking back on this month for the boys, it is just crazy to see how they have transformed and changed. They are just hilarious and developing so well! We are truly blessed with them and I can't believe that we are coming up on a year, quickly!

      Zachary is slowly gaining strength. His "low tone" is definitely still noticeable, but we are so proud of him when he practices moving with his legs and how he has improved on standing up (even up against objects and without our support, at times!)! He gets so proud of himself when he does it and looks so happy! He just grins so big and laughs. He knows he isn't able to move as much as Ayden and it is quite sad, because he cries, at times, over it. Breaks my heart, but we just encourage him and Alan is really good at telling him he is "Big and Strong." He continues to talk up a storm. He thinks he is HILARIOUS. He dances and it is just past adorable. He continues to love to make everyone laugh and smile. He continues to be sensitive, as well. He does not like his brother to touch or pull on him (or his cousin Jonathan for that matter!). He makes it known (and quite dramatically) whenever this happens. His blonde hair is just growing and he is looking more and more like a little boy, everyday.

    Ayden is a true mess. He has begun to crawl and once he got the hang of going forward, he hasn't slowed down! He loves to move ALWAYS and is never in the same position we leave him, even in bed! He is loving climbing up on things and so proud of himself for climbing off the recliners….you should see the big grin on his face when that happens! He loves to dance, too. His dancing is much more of a bouncing and jumping. He has not started to truly "talk" yet but he is really good at growling and saying "Huh." His poor little bald head is staying bald, but we think his hair is turning blonde! We have had to lower his bed, too, for him climbing up the sides. He is our little monkey!

     They love their Daddy and seeing him first thing in the morning and love him making them laugh, at night. Momma comes second at those times! They love their Lolli keeping them, too, while I work. They have had a new experience of a nanny keeping them on days when my mom couldn't and have adjusted really well! Ayden is clingy but it began before the nanny. They are such good social babies.

      My new job is great! It has been an adjustment working 12 hour shifts, but not nearly as difficult as I thought. I love the work I am doing now, it is what I enjoyed before my neurosurgery stint and what I have wanted to do for a long time. I am happy I can go to work, work my shift, and come home without worrying about being on call, hospital calling me, or having to go back into work. The office is nice and so are the people I work with. It has been a BIG adjustment to have someone other than a family member take care of my children. Though when I'm writing this we are in the process of getting a new nanny, she was really good with the kids. I had a hard time with her telling me how much they loved her and how they did things. I really secretly wanted them to have a little bit of an issue since I'm their mom! It was nice, too, not having to worry about doing dishes or washing bottles or doing laundry. A nice perk!

      I think the hardest part, this month, has been people asking if they are crawling and walking yet. It is a weekly struggle to not compare them to other babies their age (or even younger). I get a weekly e-mail about what they are to be doing that month, milestone wise, and several weeks I am just deleting it because I know they aren't doing those things. I started crying a few weeks ago when someone asked me if they were crawling yet, then proceeds to say, well why not? My sons started crying at 6-7 months. Yea, well thanks for making me extremely upset and even more sad for Zach. It's hard not to compare. Hard not to get upset. Hard to just focus on the moment and where they are right now knowing that it is going by WAY too fast and I'm not wanting them to move around like crazy yet. I want them to revert to my week old babies that just snuggle and eat! (Though really, I want them to grow and be healthy and still snuggle). I think society, and women in general, compare things with others way too much. So, I pray for my boys to develop regularly, be healthy, and me to focus on their achievements and not what they haven't done.

     So, we will see what the next month holds and I will just stare and take pictures and video and play and take in every moment with these boys…..

9 Months

     Where has the time gone??? It seems like yesterday we were all in the hospital and they were these tiny little creatures and now they are big and not looking anything like a premie! I saw a new baby the other day at the store that was 2 weeks old and bigger than both of them at birth and I just though, oh my word how tiny is she! It's hard to believe these big boys were so small and that it was 9 months ago!

      My how quick this month has passed. It doesn't seem like it has been 2 months since I last worked and hard to believe I go back next week. We have been extremely busy this month, but the nice part is that we've been able to travel with Alan a lot of is, so it has been great family time. The boys have been on their first vacation to Charleston. They loved the beach, which makes this Momma extremely happy! Hopefully it will continue! We were so happy to get to introduce them to all our friends in Charleston, as well. We then took on the trek to Virginia and Knoxville with Alan and they handled a 9 days trip like champs!

      The boys:
          Zachary is weighing a whopping 21 lbs 8 oz! He hasn't slowed down on the gaining weight! He and Ayden eat the same amount, he just packs it on! He is quite the ham and entertainer. He has learned this month to growl like a dog (thanks to Brady and Beau being at our house for a few weeks) and growls at people and animals just alike….he thinks that is how you get attention. He, also, has continued on his fake cough (which he learned that Ayden got attention when he was sick with a cough). He even fooled the doctor's office receptionists with this trick! He loves making people laugh. He LOVES his Daddy, even more. Alan will just peek in a room and he lights up. He has started making his brother laugh and they are having a lot more conversations! They are, also, learning to play together, even more. He still isn't into crawling and is quite content where you leave him most times. His hair is growing long and is quite blonde! He is becoming more assertive in playing with his brother. He is working hard at it, but still no teeth!

         Ayden is weighing in at 18 lbs 6 oz. He is loving more foods and has become quite the eater. He is crazy busy, though, so the weight doesn't stick on him. He loves to be moving at all times, even in bed. He has crawling backwards down pack, but now has to learn to go forwards. He can get pretty much anywhere he really wants with rolling and reaching. We went to the GI doctor this month and he believes he has food allergies which are causing his GI issues and eczema, so we are working on figuring those out! He is king of stealing toys away from his brother, because you know whatever he is playing with isn't as fun as what his brother just grabbed! Zach is getting better about not letting this happen as often. He has pushed through his second tooth! It is so crazy seeing my baby boy with two teeth! He is becoming a little more vocal. He is definitely the clingy child and loves to be attached to his Momma's shoulder at all times (if it was up to him)…being on his own is quite tragic! He is still working on consistently sleeping through the night.

      They still LOVE Frozen. We even bought them other Disney movies with singing, but Frozen still wins out and stops any tantrum in its tracks! It definitely made the car ride all over the southeast doable! They have conquered the southeast (all but Florida after this weekend). This month they have traveled to Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee and this weekend will conquer Alabama and Mississippi.

      We had their neurodevelopment check up this past month. This is where the neurologist, NP, and physical therapist evaluate them from the hospital team that took care of them in the NICU. Both are doing pretty well on their milestones, hitting all of their corrected age milestones and even advanced into actual age on some of them. We were informed it could take up to age 2 for them to "catch up" to actual age. Ayden has "loosened up" and is doing perfectly well! They are still concerned with Zachary and his low tone of his muscles and ligaments. We are working with him to strengthen his muscles and joints. They are wanting some extra physical therapy for him, so we are considering that.

      I am quite nervous about returning to work but excited in the same. I have wanted to return to general medicine, so excited about that. It is just nerve wrecking to be leaving them for a full day and not being able to put them to bed at night. Also, we have hired a nanny to help Mom out so she won't have to be here every day I work. It will be the first time a "stranger" has kept them. We are excited about this opportunity, as well. We are, also, excited about our house being built and ready for it to be completed so we will be close to church and my work!
 
      We are looking forward to the next month and the changes ahead. Looking forward to celebrating Alan and my 3rd wedding anniversary in the next few weeks. It has been a wild ride and I love that it has been with him! We are excited to continue to watch these boys grow and hope it slows down, just a little!

What's Your Life Say?

    Conviction. It is a regular part of my life. And honestly, I am glad I get convicted on a regular basis, because it means I am growing and learning. It, also, reminds me I am an every day sinner. I am the first to admit that on a daily basis I do things I'm not proud of, don't put priorities right, and have a little temper or frustration that shouldn't be there. But, God has His Word and people in this world to help us learn and convict us to do better and follow Him better.

     Last weekend, we had the pleasure of being in Dalton at Grace Presbyterian for church. Randy Jackson preached a sermon on Acts 1:1-11. His points really got me thinking, and well, he hit a few things that got me running. Things that we REALLY need to EXAMINE ourselves as Christians and people. Don't stop reading now. I think this is important.

    Churches are big on outreach (majority of them that is).  It was the Great Commission that Jesus gave us. "Go to the ends of the earth and preach about Me." Randy asked a question to the church: "We outreach to prisons and different cultures but are we as a church ready for them to be a PART of our church?" Profound. A lot of us are okay with mission's trips to foreign countries, prison fellowship, and outreach to needy communities. But when the people we outreach to actually come to our church, how do we respond?

     I am one quick to judge those that treat people differently but I am also one that doesn't treat people the same when it comes down to it. Funny thing, our preacher preached on judging this past Sunday (talk about conviction, again!). But I digress. I want us to truly examine ourselves. How would you feel if someone who was a convicted burglar came into your church home? He/She has served their time, repented of their doings, and accepted Christ and is a new believer. How do you treat them when they enter your comfort zone? How about a convicted child molester? How about a convicted murderer? How would you respond as they sat next to you in church? Do you greet them? Invite them to lunch? How would you respond if their children want to play with your children? How about if they wanted to join your small group? Would you isolate them because they are a convicted felon? I am one to think that yes, we quickly would. And it isn't what would you do, what do you do?

     That brings to my next question. How are we any different in our Father's eyes than a convicted felon? Guess what? When they are redeemed through His grace, He doesn't see them any different. We are just as awful. Why then, do we feel like we can quickly judge and isolate those different then us? How is that enveloping the whole truth of the Gospel?

     Sadly, I have seen how preconceived ideas can isolate the best people. For example, my step son has long hair (I am actually jealous of how pretty it is) and gauges in his ears. He has a single tattoo and loves loud music. He is quickly to be judged by others in a negative way. BUT, I can tell you that he is one of the sweetest, most caring and sensitive men I know. He is so kind and never fails to give me and his dad a hug when entering and leaving our home. He is the most appreciative for all we do. Yet, if I had judged him on appearance, I could lose a relationship with an amazing person who needs Jesus' love. So, what are you missing? What are you allowing your child to miss? How quickly we say "My child isn't going to play with that child, have you seen their parents? Do you know what they do?" It sickens me.

     So, we have to look at ourselves. Are we too comfortable in our lives to daily reach out to others? Do we have the "too good" attitude to truly accept and love the prisoners and "different" people into our daily life? Are we "fake" acceptors? It's good from afar and being able to leave them at prison or their neighborhood but if they enter our daily life it is a different story? What do we teach our children to do? Accept everyone for their differences and teach them Jesus or judge those that aren't in our social circle/social class? Do you not make them go to youth group because of the different "culture" that is there?

     I remember a song by DC Talk when I was growing up "The single most cause of atheism in the world today is Christians. Who accept Him with our mouths but deny him with our lives." Take action and get busy being friends outside your comfort circle. You will be blessed far more than expected and dreamed. We are called to do so. God calls us to and we need to accept this challenge. Be prepared to be blessed!

   

8 Months

    The boys are 8 months old today!!! It is really hard to believe and process. 2/3 of a year has just flown by and my tiny babies are no longer tiny! They are quite the pair.

    People who had twins told me that if you make it past the first four months, you are good. Well, I hate to disagree with them, but it seems that it is harder with twins right now than it was back then! Yes, you are up every 3-4 hours, but it was on a rigid schedule you knew about and not craziness of times dependent if they wake up or not during the night. Also, back then, they just slept and ate and pooped and slept and really just laid there…..now they know what's going on and it is all too hard!

    Both boys have started to get jealous of the other. If one is being held, the other immediately notices and more times than not acts out to get the same attention. If you put one down to go get the other, well,  expect crying until that other baby is doing the exact same thing as he is. It's humorous at times but trying, too, as I am home with them without help a lot. Zach has noticed that Ayden has gotten noticed for coughing and just today has begun to fake cough to see if I will pay attention to him about it. It is actually quite cute and funny….he will "cough cough cough" then turn and smile big and laugh. He's a ham. They both are.

     Both boys are becoming more mobile, as well. Ayden has surpassed Zachary (as we fully expected because he is the more active of the two). He is all over the place in his bed, during tummy time, while they sit on the floor to play, and in his jumparoo and exersaucer. He will definitely be keeping me busy! Zachary, for the most part, is content wherever you put him. He does role over in his bed but mostly stays put and only roles over when he wakes up. He continues to be the more talkative of the two. He starts when he wakes up and we hear "dada-dada" continuously. He is our early riser, as well. He doesn't stop talking all the days long!! Ayden isn't making his syllables yet, but he makes plenty of noise, too! It is funny to listen them talk back and forth and laugh at each other. They also like to steal toys from each other, back and forth. Neither seems to mind, yet.

      Ayden has cut his first tooth, this month. It just popped up last Saturday out of no where. I figured that Zach was teething because he was drooling and gnawing on everything and low and behold Ayden got his tooth! Zach is still working on it, pretty hard core. And I think Ayden is cutting his second tooth, already.
 
     They are both eating really well and Ayden is actually liking more foods (thank heavens!). Zach is a hoss. He loves his food. We are still trying to figure out if Ayden has food allergies. He continues to have some pretty bad eczema and we aren't sure the cause or what to do to make it better…..we have tried everything to no avail. He still is quite opinionated on food and will gag or cough to throw it up if he doesn't find it enjoyable.

      They went swimming for the first time, too! They both loved it, which I thought for sure Zachary would be opinionated and cry! Ayden kicked all over the place and Zachary enjoyed relaxin in the water. He is quite laid back, like his Daddy. Which, to no ones' surprise, he is QUITE the Daddy's boy. He loves his Daddy and the world stops when he walks into the room and he gets the biggest grins! I am happy they love the water and am hoping they love the water at the beach in a few weeks!!!

       I am home with them for another month and I am enjoying this time. It has flown by over the past few weeks. We have been busy but I have enjoyed traveling with Alan and spending time with family. We have a very busy next few weeks, so I know that they will fly by, too. I am still nervous about my new job, but have a peace over it. Working 12 days a month is going to be a blessing and I had a "God affirming" moment in the middle of the night the other night. SO, I am excited for this new journey, as well! We are in the process of deciding on a home for us and looking forward to the path God has for us. Looking forward to this next month and the advances the boys will make!

The Craziness of Life - 7 months old

       This has been a crazy past month! I went back to work part-time which was a blessing to be able to kind of command my schedule. The boys have had my mom come take care of them during the day and have thrived beautifully! They are now sitting up all on their own without assistance. Ayden is ready to be mobile…he tries really hard when something is just out of reach. Zachary is content with being put where ever you place him, except if Mommy or Daddy walks out of the room, then we have tears. Separation anxiety has begun!
      They had their 6 month check up (just a month behind) last week and immunizations. They took them like a champ (though it was tough on their Daddy to watch). Zachary is up to 20 lbs 5 oz (four times his birth weight) and Ayden is at 17 lbs 15 oz (over four times his birth weight). Our doctor said she isn't worried about them gaining weight anymore, it is time for a diet, haha! They are definitely eaters! Ayden is still quite picky and continues to gag himself when he doesn't like something.
      They are talking to each other up a storm. They find it quite humorous. Jealousy has also begun in the Swartwood household. Both boys don't like not to be held if the other one is being held. AND, Zachary is not okay with me holding them both at the same time (which began this past week). He is quite dramatic about it. He, also, does not like Ayden to touch him (I had no clue this started this young!). I can just hear it in the car now - "Mom, he touched me!" with screaming. They are both enamored with "Let It Go" from Frozen and it can instantaneously stop a screaming fit! Though I did not originally like this movie, it has become my favorite!
     Another change over the past week is that I quit my job. There was a lot of drama and situations I wasn't comfortable with, so after much prayer and thought, we decided it would be best for me at this moment. The nice part is that I have to give a two months notice for my resignation and my doctor decided that I could spend the two months at home spending time with the babies than working that time out. I have, also, found another job, in the meantime. I will begin at the end of the two months with an urgent care in Hendersonville, TN. This is quite exciting (as I will be back in general medicine) and scary at the same time (I will be working 12 hours shifts). It will still be 3 days a week, which is nice, but I am struggling with being a full day away from the babies and not able to put them to bed at night.
       We have had a crazy amount of options and changes in the work environment for both Alan and myself in the past week. We are looking for a home closer to my new job and church. It's proving to be a little more difficult than we thought (though it has taken almost 3 years for us to decide to buy a house and figure out what we like). So, we are praying for God's wisdom and guidance through it all. We know it will all pan out in the perfect timing (like everything in our life has)!
        That's this month's update and we are hoping that not every month is as lively and chaotic as this one. I am so grateful to get to be a stay at home mom for the next month and a half or so again. Looking forward to cherishing each moment with these boys as I watch them grow up way too fast!
     

The Step Mom Story

    I never wanted to be a step-mother. Like EVER. I never dreamed of it and actually, in my mind for years and years, I promised I would NEVER marry a divorced man with children. God laughed (like He usually does when I say I will never do something). That being said, I am a step-mother. And though I do no mothering, nor do I want to, I am still a step-mother.
     There is a lot that comes with being a step-mother. First, getting acceptance. This is the hardest and most complicated part. And honestly, it may never happen. I have a hard time with this part. I want to be loved by all and don't understand when someone can dislike me for no reason, other than that I married their father and I am not their mother. Which, I guess in itself is plenty of reason to dislike someone. But, to just dislike someone without knowing them, is quite unfair. But, I also don't want to be used to be accepted, which happens a lot in mixed families. There are many factors that go into acceptance. The relationship your spouse has with their children, the relationship the ex has with their children, and the way that relationship ended. It isn't an easy place to be in, an outsider coming in. Also, a lot can be placed on the ages of the children. I used to think it would be harder to be a step parent to young children, boy was I wrong. I think "adult" children are more difficult. I am still working on this part, and it is hard, especially when you hardly get to see your step-children and they are waiting for you to mess up for affirmation from the words their mother has spoken about you.
     Second, dealing with your step children. It is hard, because you aren't their parent and you aren't allowed to impose the way you would do things on them. They aren't your children, so any expectations and consequences you would like to have in place aren't necessarily allowed. With me, this is hard. I know how I was raised and believe in tough love and consequences, which I plan to use with my boys, but can't on my step-children. When I see no effort put into a relationship or my husband hurt by them I am the first and quickest to say "They deserve nothing and don't let them return to this house." But then my temper settles and I realize how wrong I am in saying that. And then, well I get convicted. Because how many times does my heavenly Father want to spend time with me and call me to sit with him and visit and I am "too busy" with life or "don't know what my plans are" or any other excuse in the book. He doesn't disown me, He is hurt, but he shows grace. And man have I had to learn that, and am still learning. But, it is the perfect example, which I have to remind myself on a frequent basis that my relationship with my step-children needs to look like my Father's relationship with me.
      Thirdly, scheduling holidays. It is quite hard. Now that there are our own two little ones in tow, we are starting our own family traditions and for the first time our holidays don't revolve around the schedule of my step-children. This has entailed them missing every holiday with us this year. It's hurtful that they haven't made the effort and it is hurtful to see their dad so sad, but I have to remember, they are adults and we are focusing on our boys. Between their mother, her father, my parents, his dad and sister, cousins, and their significant others it gets quite difficult to get it all in sync.
      Fourth would be blending. Once you start a family of your own, it is very important and difficult to show them you are not "replacing" them but just expanding their family. This is also, extremely difficult. Especially with older children who have been used to their lives with their parent. I don't have advice for this because, well, frankly we are in the midst of it.
      I read a book when we first got married called "Super Step Mom." It was actually one of the best books I read regarding this. It let my high expectations be broken and realize we are like a crock pot. Some things get blended and cooked faster than others. Like a friend of mine was discussing with me a few weeks ago who is in a similar situation, we love the men we married and know we are supposed to be with them. There is no doubt and our love is unconditional, it is just hard adjusting to having a child that isn't your own and you have no control over.
     So, I will continue to pray, and ask forgiveness, and hope that life as a blended family becomes blended. That I do my part like my Father wants me to, no matter the circumstances on the other end. And beyond all, that I continue to love my husband and support him and his relationship with them.

The Balancing Act: Wife, Mother, and now again a PA

      Balancing roles is a difficult thing. It's definitely a juggling act on a daily basis. My first role in my "adult" world was physician assistant. Being a physician assistant was pretty easy to me, I love it. I was very picky in the role I chose to work in so that I could have weekends free and plenty of vacation time - most of you all saw my travels because that's what I enjoyed. I transitioned into that role pretty easily and didn't have a problem leaving work at work and enjoying life at home. The single life.

    Then came marriage. Balancing between work identity and wife was pretty easy too. I took on my most challenging and demanding (both intellectually and by hours worked) job when I got married. Since Alan traveled a good amount, it was still pretty easy to balance wife and PA. When I was finished with work, I was done (most of the time) and my weekends were still free….so we had our moments together and life was good. We had date nights weekly (or biweekly) and still were able to travel a fair amount. No schedule, really, and just fly by the seat of our pants. The only real struggle was finding who I was in a new city, knowing no one but Alan's family. That transition, still continues.
 
     Then came babies. Becoming a mom was the thing I had dreamed of my whole life. I remember at 4 years old "birthing" my baby dolls and being their mom. I had it covered. Transition was kind of slow because of the NICU but then came on quick being the mom of twins. It's hard! Being a mother (or parent) is a 24 hour a day job. There are no breaks (and I know everyone is going, well duh) and honestly, being away from my babies was something I didn't want to happen because I knew they are my only babies and time goes by so quickly. But, I also knew that Alan's and my relationship is one of the most important (most under God of course) and that it has to be a priority. While on maternity leave, it wasn't too hard to make time for each other. I didn't mind leaving them for a night with my parents a few times and one weekend, because I knew my days would be filled with them. It has been a slow adjustment to being a good wife and mother and I am still working on it.
   
     They say that becoming a parent is one of the hardest things on a marriage. Lack of sleep, crazy schedules, all the duties of taking care of a child, and just the busyness of life come into play and a lot of times the relationship between husband and wife takes on the back burner role….it is dangerous. It is important for those date nights and quality conversation. It is important for you to stay friends with your spouse and do things to show that you love each other, even in the craziness of parenthood.
   
     Then came becoming a working mom. Though I am only working part-time, it is back to being a role I am playing. Honestly, right now, it is the lowest priority on my totem pole of life, but yet it takes up three days a week and takes away time from me being "mommy." Transitioning back into being a PA has been harder than I thought. I love my patients, they make the days go by, but leaving my children is hard. (Though I am super blessed to have my mom take care of them so I don't have to worry about them). Transitioning into PA, wife and mother is harder than I though in multiple ways. I feel like I am not as good of a mom because I leave my children and they have shown their disapproval through staying awake most nights when I am working the next day. That being said, the exhaustion we have from that takes away time from being able to have that quality time with my husband after our babies go to bed. We are just ready to fall asleep! (And they are not "early to bed" children.)

       It's a struggle to get out to date nights, now. Most weekends are the only time we truly get to be a family of four (Alan still has to travel) and it is our only quality time together. Having twins, it is harder to obtain a babysitter than with a singleton….most people find it overwhelming at just the thought of two, so to actually have someone agree or volunteer to babysit is few and far between. I'm not complaining, it's just the real of my life. It's been 3 months since we've been out on a date by ourselves (and trust me I never imagined that!). Our dates mostly consist of ordering in and sitting at the kitchen table talking. And let me tell you, those moments are good moments! And vital to our relationship.

       It's hard to find a balance in life. I'm no where close to finding it. All I know is, I want to be able to find it and be a good wife and mother. Our life has become quite routine, I mean, we've been on a schedule that has been for the most part strict since the boys arrived. But, I don't want my life to be routine. I long for adventure and spontaneity and being social and being able to go and I want the same for my husband and my kids.

     Everything is for a season, and I know this season of hardship will pass. We will have babysitters that aren't scared of twins and allow us to go for a dinner or movie out. We will have our boys grow up way too fast and go and do their own things that will allow us to have that time together, again. So now, I cherish the fact that we get to spend our evenings together, laughing and watching and playing. But, I also know that I have to get better at prioritizing and making sacrifices (like an hour of sleep) to be able to spend that quality time with my husband. God calls us to do it because it is vital.

     So, as I continue to juggle life and work on balancing life, I pray. I know that spreading myself thin is not the answer, but I know HE is and God will give me the strength and ability to be what I am supposed to be.

6 Months and Returning to Work

      I can't believe half a year has passed (tomorrow) since these little ones have arrived in our lives! Though, they aren't so little anymore! The time has flown past and well, I am wishing already it would slow down a little bit!
     Zachary is a whopping 18 lbs 8 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds since birth! He loves to talk and will "talk" your ears off all morning and night. He actually wakes up in his crib "talking" in the morning and from naps. He has found his foot and loves admiring it. And, this week, his Lolli got him to sit on his own for the first time! Such a big boy. We began solids this past week and he loves them. He will gobble down anything you put into his mouth….so not a picky eater! He loves his naps and we have learned we don't wake him from them, because pitching a fit will begin. He has been the more consistent "sleeper through the night." He loves to snuggle and would stay that way all day if he could. He loves looking in the mirror and thinks he is a good looking baby. He continues to be the more sensitive one and very much the more opinionated/tempermental one of the two.
     Ayden is catching up to his brother at 17 lbs 6 oz (as of last week). He has gained over 13 pounds, as well, since birth and quadrupled his birth weight….let's just say these boys don't miss a meal! He is more picky of the two eating. He does not like any vegetable, thus far, but will "suffer" eating them as long as it is mixed with prunes - which he has been getting in his bottle since he was around 2 months old. He loves to laugh and figure things out. He is the more serious of the two and when in his exersaucer or playing with a toy really tries to "figure it out." Looks like a future engineer. He is the more active of the two and full of energy. He loves to be held and snuggle too, but has to have his energy out so it is more "jumping" in your lap. He loves looking at himself in the mirror, too. He continues to have stomach issues, so we are hoping those dissipate over the next few weeks with baby food.
     They have grown so much and their personalities keep developing. They are actually doing really well on their "corrected age" scale of things they should be doing - though they have yet to really roll over because they love sleeping on their belly and think that is what you are making them do when they have tummy time. They love being around people and being held and are such good babies. I couldn't imagine having better babies! Thank heavens they aren't like me when I was an infant!
      The BIG change happened this week with my return to work. Monday night was a very hard night for me putting the babies to bed, but they knew I needed to see them before I left for work so were up extra early that morning….thankfully went back to sleep so their Lolli could rest before she had to keep them. I think I wouldn't be able to work if it wasn't for my mom keeping them. She is BEYOND a blessing. Thankfully, too, my work schedule is progressing me back into work and I didn't start off with an impossibly hard and busy schedule. It has kept me busy enough to get through the day and make it home at a decent time to see the boys. I have a great boss who has been wonderful through this whole process. Unfortunately my three day work week continues tomorrow and Saturday of this week, but it shouldn't be too bad. I remembered right when I first went into a patient's room on Tuesday why I do what I do and why I love it. Love my patients. Loving my patients makes it a little easier to know that I have to leave my babies. It's also funny because what should take no time to round in the hospital this week has taken me at least 3 hours due to everyone welcoming me back and wanting to see pictures of the babies….felt good to be missed, in a way!
        I look forward to the months ahead and the growth these boys are going to do. It is just crazy that half a year of their life is over already and the second half is fastly going to pass as well. Trying to take in each moment with them. Thank you all for your prayers over this past week, they were definitely felt and I appreciate it more than you know…think it is what has made work bearable.

5 Months Old

      My "Timehop" told me that a year ago today I blogged on being "three days away from implantation." I can't believe it. A year ago, I was three days from the biggest change of my life. It doesn't seem that long ago! And, to even imagine one year later that I would have not one, but two beautiful, miracle boys!
      Wow, this has gone by fast! That is all I can say! These boys are growing quickly, especially over the past month! They are continuing to be quite the social babies. They love people (like their Momma) and are full of smiles and cooes. Over the past month, they have acknowledged each other. It is quite humorous. They stare each other down, laugh at each other, and have started "talking" to each other. The exersaucers are their new toy that they love to play in. They love looking at themselves in the mirror and smile and reach for that "other baby." Ayden is obsessed with himself in the mirror in his exersaucer. He will just stare and reach and talk forever. They are great traveling babies and as long as we are moving in the car, don't mind the car seat too much. It is nice because I have gotten to travel with Alan with them (though we are stuck in a hotel room it is nice being together as a family). We, also, got to experience two Thanksgivings with family with them. They loved all the attention and weren't put down for a minute both days. They even got to taste a little "mashed potato" for the first time….let's just say Zach is a huge fan and Ayden is not. I think we might have a picky eater.
      They had their 5 month check up on Friday and they have gained 2 pounds a piece in two weeks! These boys love to eat, though they are still in the 25-50% for weight. Ayden is up to 14 lbs 11 oz and Zach is 16 lbs 7 oz. Yes, this is past triple their birth weights. Their doctor even had a moment telling them apart. They got four shots a piece and it is so funny watching how they take them. Ayden screams in pain and is over it. Zachary is so different. He is so sensitive and his feelings were definitely hurt with the shots, so his tears lasted. Every time someone new entered the room or passed by on our way out, that bottom lip came out and he began crying again. He wants all the sympathy he can get. Ayden is definitely easier to console!
     After praying over Zachary and so many people praying for him, plus us working with him, he is holding his head up so well and standing when we put his feet on surfaces. This just "clicked" this past week and we are so excited. The neurologist and physical therapist wanted the boys to be evaluated for home therapy for early intervention for disabilities. Well, we had that screening yesterday. Both were evaluated and I had a calm about me. If it was last week you asked me, I would tell you that I was a nervous wreck because of Zach. I have always had a "feeling" there was something wrong. Well, prayer works miracles. Zach actually passed the screening better than Ayden (humor of God I tell you)! So, they both are on track developmentally and physically (for their corrected age) how they are supposed to without any concerns. It makes me so excited and praising God!
     We, also, more importantly, dedicated the babies to raising them in a godly home this past Sunday. Alan and I both don't take this lightly. Having each of our parents there and my sister-in-law and her family (and my sister via internet), and Alan's cousin (and best friend) and his family there plus close friends meant a lot to us. Them being there just signified how they are supporting us and our children in growing a relationship with God and praying for them. It is an amazing thing to have this support.
      It is a busy month ahead as we prepare for Christmas and my return to work. We are excited to spend the time with family and each other and cherish each moment we have. We look forward to continue watching these boys grow (which is bittersweet as I put away now over three totes of clothes they've grown out of). We wish you the Merriest of Christmas seasons and keeping Jesus first and enjoy family.