Balancing roles is a difficult thing. It's definitely a juggling act on a daily basis. My first role in my "adult" world was physician assistant. Being a physician assistant was pretty easy to me, I love it. I was very picky in the role I chose to work in so that I could have weekends free and plenty of vacation time - most of you all saw my travels because that's what I enjoyed. I transitioned into that role pretty easily and didn't have a problem leaving work at work and enjoying life at home. The single life.
Then came marriage. Balancing between work identity and wife was pretty easy too. I took on my most challenging and demanding (both intellectually and by hours worked) job when I got married. Since Alan traveled a good amount, it was still pretty easy to balance wife and PA. When I was finished with work, I was done (most of the time) and my weekends were still free….so we had our moments together and life was good. We had date nights weekly (or biweekly) and still were able to travel a fair amount. No schedule, really, and just fly by the seat of our pants. The only real struggle was finding who I was in a new city, knowing no one but Alan's family. That transition, still continues.
Then came babies. Becoming a mom was the thing I had dreamed of my whole life. I remember at 4 years old "birthing" my baby dolls and being their mom. I had it covered. Transition was kind of slow because of the NICU but then came on quick being the mom of twins. It's hard! Being a mother (or parent) is a 24 hour a day job. There are no breaks (and I know everyone is going, well duh) and honestly, being away from my babies was something I didn't want to happen because I knew they are my only babies and time goes by so quickly. But, I also knew that Alan's and my relationship is one of the most important (most under God of course) and that it has to be a priority. While on maternity leave, it wasn't too hard to make time for each other. I didn't mind leaving them for a night with my parents a few times and one weekend, because I knew my days would be filled with them. It has been a slow adjustment to being a good wife and mother and I am still working on it.
They say that becoming a parent is one of the hardest things on a marriage. Lack of sleep, crazy schedules, all the duties of taking care of a child, and just the busyness of life come into play and a lot of times the relationship between husband and wife takes on the back burner role….it is dangerous. It is important for those date nights and quality conversation. It is important for you to stay friends with your spouse and do things to show that you love each other, even in the craziness of parenthood.
Then came becoming a working mom. Though I am only working part-time, it is back to being a role I am playing. Honestly, right now, it is the lowest priority on my totem pole of life, but yet it takes up three days a week and takes away time from me being "mommy." Transitioning back into being a PA has been harder than I thought. I love my patients, they make the days go by, but leaving my children is hard. (Though I am super blessed to have my mom take care of them so I don't have to worry about them). Transitioning into PA, wife and mother is harder than I though in multiple ways. I feel like I am not as good of a mom because I leave my children and they have shown their disapproval through staying awake most nights when I am working the next day. That being said, the exhaustion we have from that takes away time from being able to have that quality time with my husband after our babies go to bed. We are just ready to fall asleep! (And they are not "early to bed" children.)
It's a struggle to get out to date nights, now. Most weekends are the only time we truly get to be a family of four (Alan still has to travel) and it is our only quality time together. Having twins, it is harder to obtain a babysitter than with a singleton….most people find it overwhelming at just the thought of two, so to actually have someone agree or volunteer to babysit is few and far between. I'm not complaining, it's just the real of my life. It's been 3 months since we've been out on a date by ourselves (and trust me I never imagined that!). Our dates mostly consist of ordering in and sitting at the kitchen table talking. And let me tell you, those moments are good moments! And vital to our relationship.
It's hard to find a balance in life. I'm no where close to finding it. All I know is, I want to be able to find it and be a good wife and mother. Our life has become quite routine, I mean, we've been on a schedule that has been for the most part strict since the boys arrived. But, I don't want my life to be routine. I long for adventure and spontaneity and being social and being able to go and I want the same for my husband and my kids.
Everything is for a season, and I know this season of hardship will pass. We will have babysitters that aren't scared of twins and allow us to go for a dinner or movie out. We will have our boys grow up way too fast and go and do their own things that will allow us to have that time together, again. So now, I cherish the fact that we get to spend our evenings together, laughing and watching and playing. But, I also know that I have to get better at prioritizing and making sacrifices (like an hour of sleep) to be able to spend that quality time with my husband. God calls us to do it because it is vital.
So, as I continue to juggle life and work on balancing life, I pray. I know that spreading myself thin is not the answer, but I know HE is and God will give me the strength and ability to be what I am supposed to be.
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