I never wanted to be a step-mother. Like EVER. I never dreamed of it and actually, in my mind for years and years, I promised I would NEVER marry a divorced man with children. God laughed (like He usually does when I say I will never do something). That being said, I am a step-mother. And though I do no mothering, nor do I want to, I am still a step-mother.
There is a lot that comes with being a step-mother. First, getting acceptance. This is the hardest and most complicated part. And honestly, it may never happen. I have a hard time with this part. I want to be loved by all and don't understand when someone can dislike me for no reason, other than that I married their father and I am not their mother. Which, I guess in itself is plenty of reason to dislike someone. But, to just dislike someone without knowing them, is quite unfair. But, I also don't want to be used to be accepted, which happens a lot in mixed families. There are many factors that go into acceptance. The relationship your spouse has with their children, the relationship the ex has with their children, and the way that relationship ended. It isn't an easy place to be in, an outsider coming in. Also, a lot can be placed on the ages of the children. I used to think it would be harder to be a step parent to young children, boy was I wrong. I think "adult" children are more difficult. I am still working on this part, and it is hard, especially when you hardly get to see your step-children and they are waiting for you to mess up for affirmation from the words their mother has spoken about you.
Second, dealing with your step children. It is hard, because you aren't their parent and you aren't allowed to impose the way you would do things on them. They aren't your children, so any expectations and consequences you would like to have in place aren't necessarily allowed. With me, this is hard. I know how I was raised and believe in tough love and consequences, which I plan to use with my boys, but can't on my step-children. When I see no effort put into a relationship or my husband hurt by them I am the first and quickest to say "They deserve nothing and don't let them return to this house." But then my temper settles and I realize how wrong I am in saying that. And then, well I get convicted. Because how many times does my heavenly Father want to spend time with me and call me to sit with him and visit and I am "too busy" with life or "don't know what my plans are" or any other excuse in the book. He doesn't disown me, He is hurt, but he shows grace. And man have I had to learn that, and am still learning. But, it is the perfect example, which I have to remind myself on a frequent basis that my relationship with my step-children needs to look like my Father's relationship with me.
Thirdly, scheduling holidays. It is quite hard. Now that there are our own two little ones in tow, we are starting our own family traditions and for the first time our holidays don't revolve around the schedule of my step-children. This has entailed them missing every holiday with us this year. It's hurtful that they haven't made the effort and it is hurtful to see their dad so sad, but I have to remember, they are adults and we are focusing on our boys. Between their mother, her father, my parents, his dad and sister, cousins, and their significant others it gets quite difficult to get it all in sync.
Fourth would be blending. Once you start a family of your own, it is very important and difficult to show them you are not "replacing" them but just expanding their family. This is also, extremely difficult. Especially with older children who have been used to their lives with their parent. I don't have advice for this because, well, frankly we are in the midst of it.
I read a book when we first got married called "Super Step Mom." It was actually one of the best books I read regarding this. It let my high expectations be broken and realize we are like a crock pot. Some things get blended and cooked faster than others. Like a friend of mine was discussing with me a few weeks ago who is in a similar situation, we love the men we married and know we are supposed to be with them. There is no doubt and our love is unconditional, it is just hard adjusting to having a child that isn't your own and you have no control over.
So, I will continue to pray, and ask forgiveness, and hope that life as a blended family becomes blended. That I do my part like my Father wants me to, no matter the circumstances on the other end. And beyond all, that I continue to love my husband and support him and his relationship with them.
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